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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this sleepover?

128 replies

ChemistryBoggle · 04/12/2021 23:22

Ds 16 yrs wants his gf to sleep over. Previously it was an easy no as she was 15 and I could use the excuse of not encouraging under age sex.
They are now both 16 and itnhas come up again.
I am uncomfortable with it. When insaid this to ds he said my discomfort should not impinge on his freedoms/rights/enjoyment.
Should add, ds also shares a room with other ds. 14.
I can't articulate why it makes sense uncomfortable in a way he understands.
He raises the point that if either other dc wanted a sleepover then i would say yes no hesitation, which is true, but they're 1) younger (but still teens) 2) not in a relationship 3)the same sex.
On point 3) ds points out that he is bi, so would I say no to another male sleeping over. No, probably not, but again, if in a relationship then yes?
I don't know. Aibu?
Please help me make sense of the reluctance!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChemistryBoggle · 04/12/2021 23:26

Sorry for typos.
Also, it seems too grown up? Butnhe says they are at the age of consent so that it is legal, so I can't use that excuse. Plus they have been together over 2 years, but feels too much, too young.

OP posts:
HunterGatherer · 04/12/2021 23:31

It's your house, just say no. None of our 3 had partners staying over until they were 18. I just felt 16 was too young.

Babyvenusplant · 04/12/2021 23:34

If he shares a room with his db I think its a bit inappropriate anyway, why would the gf want to sleep over with his db in the room with them Confused

MrsEricBana · 04/12/2021 23:37

Where are they planning to sleep if he has a shared room?

ThinWomansBrain · 04/12/2021 23:37

should not impinge on his freedoms/rights/enjoyment
absolutely, when he moces out, he is welcome th shag whoever he wants.
When he is in your home, he needs to respect your freedoms/rights & enjoyment of a peaceful life.

ShatteredDream · 04/12/2021 23:39

Nope, there will definitely be shagging going on, they think they will be being quiet and the brother won’t know. He will, it will be awkward and horrible for him, bitter experience.

Original poster
ChemistryBoggle · 04/12/2021 23:41

She would sleep in his bed apparently Hmm both single beds but high sleepers with a desk underneath.

Yes, other ds makes it feel wrong as well.
Those who are saying I am being unreasonable. Please explain from the other point of view?

OP posts:
Gregsprinkles · 04/12/2021 23:43

Well surely sharing a room with his brother makes this an easy 'no'? Can't imagine his gf would even want to do that and how awkward for your poor DS2!

Original poster
ChemistryBoggle · 04/12/2021 23:43

@ShatteredDream

Nope, there will definitely be shagging going on, they think they will be being quiet and the brother won’t know. He will, it will be awkward and horrible for him, bitter experience.
Yes I also don't want to put other ds in that position. Ds alfa says she can sleep on his pull out futon underneath his bed, but I don't think either would stay in the right places!!
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/12/2021 23:44

Tell him you and his dad are married and wouldn't have sex in the same room as him, so why does he think you should put him in a position where he might have sex in the same room as his brother? How would he feel (honestly) if his brother had a girlfriend stay in his bed in their shared room overnight?

Your house, your rules.

thevassal · 04/12/2021 23:45

I agreewith him that actually being 16 and together for two years is probably a more significant/mature relationship than most first sexual encounters, and isn't really too young or too soon,legally, physically or emotionally to be having sex if they are both happy to.

However your discomfort certainly can override his freedoms/rights/enjoyment because he wants to enjoy them in your house, and he is being a cheeky little bugger to suggest otherwise! Exactly the same if he wanted to smoke in the house - he might be legally allowed to but you are entitled to say no and override his wish!

Most of his arguments seem to be based around the fact that they are planning to have sex if she stays over, so I would say no on the basis that doing so in the same room as his younger brother is both inappropriate and illegal.

Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 04/12/2021 23:45

You cannot knowingly allow sexual activity to take place in the presence of a 14 year old child.

LawnFever · 04/12/2021 23:45

On the basis he shares a room with his younger brother it’s a no to any sleepovers full stop.

Completely and utterly unreasonable to put your younger son in the situation of being in a room where sexual activity is going on, that’s actually quite gross and completely inappropriate.

When he has his own place he can do what he likes but this isn’t on, just say no, end of story.

Janeandjohnny · 04/12/2021 23:47

Ok so you can say no, my house, my rules as you have said.
Or
You can say that you are glad to have the discussion, talk about safe sex and consent and welcome the fact they are open about their relationship. The alternative might be that they have sex elsewhere and dont come to you with contraception issues if that happened.

No answer but those are the choices as I see them.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/12/2021 23:47

"I appreciate that you feel like this is something we should let you do, but when you're an adult and if you're a parent, you'll understand that it isn't something we think is appropriate. Especially as you share a room with your brother. And especially as your girlfriend is only just 16. It's our home so as adults we are responsible for what happens under our roof and this isn't a decision designed to stop you being with your girlfriend, it's just what we feel is appropriate based on your age, her age and our family set up."

I can't imagine being 16 and feeling entitled to challenge such a reasonable rule!

Restart10 · 04/12/2021 23:48

When he is an adult then he can throw his rights lines about. For now he is just a child and lives with your house rules. And no way is it ok for your other ds to share a room with someone he doesn't know.

MamaWeasel · 04/12/2021 23:49

I thought you were being unreasonable until you said he shares a room with a sibling. For that reason, I'm saying yanbu.

Rosebel · 04/12/2021 23:49

Just say no. Your house, your rules.
My parents allowed my ex to sleep over when I was 17 but he had his own flat so my parents were aware we had plenty of opportunity to sleep together regardless.
But that's beside the point. You get to choose the rules. Besides he can't seriously expect to have his girlfriend over when he shares a room with his brother. What's his poor brother meant to do while they are sleeping together?

greenlynx · 04/12/2021 23:50

What @LawnFever said 100%

CagneyNYPD1 · 04/12/2021 23:51

You have a responsibility to ensure that your 14 year old ds isn't exposed to inappropriate sexual activity. Allowing his older brother to have his gf stay in the same bed in their shared bedroom is not providing appropriate protection to ds14. It really is that simple.

I shared a room with my sister until I was 21. During that time, I had a bf for 4years. Not once did he sleep in the same room as me when my dsis was there. Not once.

DramaAlpaca · 04/12/2021 23:53

As a parent you can say No. It's perfectly reasonable to say 'not under my roof' if that's how you feel and you don't need to give any other reason or explanation. It's your house and your decision is final, it really is that simple.

Anyway, you absolutely must say no in this case because he shares a room with his brother. It's completely inappropriate.

ImInStealthMode · 04/12/2021 23:55

If he had his own room, I'd think you were being a bit unreasonable given the length of their relationship and their ages (they'll do it somewhere if they want to, better to be safe and warm at home than in the woods or a bus stop) but given he shares a room then you're not being at all unreasonable. It'd be a hard no from me.

Original poster
ChemistryBoggle · 04/12/2021 23:55

OK, tha k you for the wordings, this is super helpful. We are both autistic so the wording is important to get right as he is so black and white about his rights etc sonorous me in circles as I struggle to articulate.
He says they won't have sex, but given hostorical bad choices - which he says are in the past (and not sex related) and I get argued at if I bring up - I cannot trust him to stick to this.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 04/12/2021 23:56

OP the answer is NO if you're uncomfortable about it. He shares a bedroom. It's all too out of my range on more than 1 level.
Your house.

BrilliantBetty · 04/12/2021 23:57

I would agree with DS that he is of age, in a serious, long term and hopefully loving relationship. They shouldn't have to sneak around / be in unsafe situations to do the deed. At 16 they are not too young.
So a sleepover now and again should be fine.
But with another person in the room..!? Absolutely out of the question!
Not a chance.
Perhaps they could stay at hers?