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To not want this sleepover?
128

ChemistryBoggle · 04/12/2021 23:22

Ds 16 yrs wants his gf to sleep over. Previously it was an easy no as she was 15 and I could use the excuse of not encouraging under age sex.
They are now both 16 and itnhas come up again.
I am uncomfortable with it. When insaid this to ds he said my discomfort should not impinge on his freedoms/rights/enjoyment.
Should add, ds also shares a room with other ds. 14.
I can't articulate why it makes sense uncomfortable in a way he understands.
He raises the point that if either other dc wanted a sleepover then i would say yes no hesitation, which is true, but they're 1) younger (but still teens) 2) not in a relationship 3)the same sex.
On point 3) ds points out that he is bi, so would I say no to another male sleeping over. No, probably not, but again, if in a relationship then yes?
I don't know. Aibu?
Please help me make sense of the reluctance!

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 19:55

@Ellen888

OP,
We still haven't heard what the girl's parents think about this idea and what his father's input is, could you clarify?

Apologies all, I was at work today.
To answer the above, 8 have no idea what her parents think. I have met her dad once or twice in passing, and cannot recall meeting her mother except at open evening briefly said hi.. I certainly couldn't pick them out of a line up - totally face blind! We've never discussed their relationship for sure. I did mention earlier him staying there has never come up.
The answer was always going to be no, as I said previously, it was more a case of how to say it.
Re DH, they have a fractious relationship. Ds certainly doesn't tell him things like he tells me, they argue a lot.
This thread has been super helpful, so thank you to all who have posted.
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gogohm · 05/12/2021 19:51

Btw don't let the asd be an excuse for his behaviour - one of my DD's is autistic and she certainly didn't get away with talking to me like that, also I have medical power of attorney from the court of public protection because when she's in poor mental health, a few times a year, she cannot make good decisions

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gogohm · 05/12/2021 19:45

On the basis that he shares say no unless his brother is away. If he had his own room I would have said yabu. I let dd from 16

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Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 19:20

Motorina,

"I do worry slightly that, given he treats his mother's discomfort with so little respect, he is equally dismissive of his girlfriend's 'No's'. Prioritising male pleasure over female discomfort is pretty common in teens anyway and clearly it's a pattern here.

I hope I'm wrong, but..."


Has been been taught about issues of consent here...?

This is why I was asking what the girls mother thinks about all this?

Could he be pressurising her for sex?

Could she be lying to her parents and be saying she's going to stay with a (female) friend?

To quote Judge Judy "you know when teens are lying because their lips are moving"

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NorthSouthcatlady · 05/12/2021 18:56

Your house = your rules. If he doesn’t you to impinge on his freedom, rights and enjoyment then maybe he should move out…. Then it would be his house = his rules

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rookiemere · 05/12/2021 18:52

If they aren't planning to have sex, then why does his GF need to stay over is what I'd be asking, and it would be a hard No from me.

Different if he was allowed in at his GFs house and they had similar boundaries ( but of course the sharing room/living room issue is on top of that) . I'm kind of getting to the stage where I get the better under our roof than somewhere else, but they're still awfully young, it doesn't sound like her DPs are on board and your DS doesn't seem mature enough to embark on a sexual relationship.

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midlifecrash · 05/12/2021 18:42

He sounds very anxious and I would be worried he was mature enough for this step or is pressuring himself to “achieve” it. Is he having any counselling?

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Motorina · 05/12/2021 18:35

@Coriandersucks

How many times do we see the advice being given to women on here “no is a complete sentence”? The sooner your son learns this the better otherwise he is going to get into serious trouble as an adult. This is a far greater issue than him wanting his gf staying over.

Particularly in the context of sex.

I do worry slightly that, given he treats his mother's discomfort with so little respect, he is equally dismissive of his girlfriend's 'No's'. Prioritising male pleasure over female discomfort is pretty common in teens anyway and clearly it's a pattern here.

I hope I'm wrong, but...
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Coriandersucks · 05/12/2021 18:31

How many times do we see the advice being given to women on here “no is a complete sentence”? The sooner your son learns this the better otherwise he is going to get into serious trouble as an adult. This is a far greater issue than him wanting his gf staying over.

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thenewduchessofhastings · 05/12/2021 18:15

@HappyBackHome

I agree with ShinySparkly.

I have 3 dc, all have ADHD and two have ASD. They are still expected to behave reasonably and learn that compromise is essential when people live together. It does them no favours to be pandered to if they 'kick off/meltdown'. When they are out in the world they will need to learn to negotiate and compromise, and abusive behaviour is still abusive, whether it's caused by disability or not!

Eldest dc is 21 and her bf stays over occasionally when she's home from uni, but dc (12), who she shares with when home (very small house!), kips down on our bedroom floor when her bf stays over. Dc (12) very happy to do this as loves to sleep in a 'nest' on our floor and views it as a bit of a treat 😁!

"I'm sorry but he's 16. Autistic or not, that's old enough to understand and accept that sometimes he'll be told no for the simple reason that someone else's opinion trumps his. This is one of those situations.

He needs to learn that 3 days of WW3 because he can't get his own way or an explanation that he agrees with for why he can't get his own way, is entirely inappropriate. If he doesn't learn this, he's never going to have a long term successful relationship, because his behaviour is going to amount to domestic abuse every time he can't get his own way or disagrees with his partner.

So all he'll have is a constant string of people who leave him. People who'll have their own lives messed up by him. You're not doing him or his future partners any favours by pandering to this desire for an explanation. He simply needs to learn that he can't always have what he wants, that exploding in a rage (or whatever form his meltdowns take) isn't ok and he needs to find ways to cope with whatever he's feeling.

A sulky/angry person that people have to tiptoe round and cave in to their requests in order to avoid drama or justify their no with an explanation of why, is still being abusive even when there's a medical issue behind it".

This 100%

My brother is autistic and very much like this.He makes life unpleasant for my parents and he's had a couple of nice girlfriends but nothing has lasted beyond 18 months because of his behaviour.
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OldTotty · 05/12/2021 18:01

No. 18 is an adult and no room sharing. My daughter wanted her boyfriend to stay, we said no. Her brother was 21 for a girlfriend to stay.

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MoonRiverLaLaLa · 05/12/2021 17:52

When insaid this to ds he said my discomfort should not impinge on his freedoms/rights/enjoyment.

What a cheeky reply. You don't have to explain your reasons to him. Your house, your rules.

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Notimeforaname · 05/12/2021 17:41

If he says you’re infringing on his rights, tell him he’s infringing on your rights to say/your discomfort at the idea.

Exactly. Also he is free to do all of these things, in his own home but when someone else pays,they set the rules.
You have given him enough reasons, you're uncomfortable.

It's too disruptive to the living spaces for a whole family to have to work around.

It's not imperative they stay the night together.

Let them have the room til his brother goes to bed/wants to use it. Then its home
time for the girlfriend.

Her family have limits and rules. So can yours.

Every single requests/demand cannot be given in to. For anybody.

You have said no because you have the right to.

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MysteriousMonkey · 05/12/2021 17:33

@MamaWeasel

I thought you were being unreasonable until you said he shares a room with a sibling. For that reason, I'm saying yanbu.

Yes I would have let them until you said he shares a room.
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I8toys · 05/12/2021 17:26

We've had a mixture of boys and girls staying over when DS was 16 - downstairs we have two lounges so they spread out on sofas and got out campbeds. No bedrooms and sharing with his brother should rule this out for you.

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watchingrnfire · 05/12/2021 17:20

Wow am so glad I come from a culture where no child would ask for their bf/gf to sleep over. What a horrible dilemma to be in.
Your son needs to understand his brother is also in the room, it's bizarre he wants her staying if f they don't plan on having sex? What girl wants to sleepover with her bf younger brother being in the same room? Why can't he go to her house instead?
No 16 year old needs to spend the night with a gf/bf ever, do whatever you want during the day time. Til you're ready to get your own place, you then can have who ever the hell you want

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Darbs76 · 05/12/2021 17:03

I’d say no too, so would many parents. I mean fact he shares a room is a huge no.

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NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 16:51

When I was 16 I regularly stayed over at my BF’s house and he at mine. We lived rurally and he lived in town, neither of use could drive and public transport was best part of 2 hours and stopped at 4pm.

The rule in both houses was separate bedrooms overnight.

If we were alone together in our bedrooms doors had to stay open.

We still had plenty of (safe, loving, respectful) sex.
His parents were a little more inclined to turn a deaf ear to sneaking across the landing late at night/early morning, and would often be clear of a Saturday morning they were “Off out to town now for a coffee/supermarket etc and will be back at 12pm” so we had a clear window. We didn’t flaunt it in anyone’s faces and we all ‘played the game’. At my house separate bedrooms were very definitely observed religiously as my parents more strict but even so they worked Saturdays so were off out early and my mum and dad would go to bed early and leave us to lock up downstairs…

I think it’s totally legitimate to say they cannot sleep together in the same room, and that they must respect the rules of the household. But if you can find a way to give them some privacy and the opportunity of spending relaxed time together then perhaps you could e.g. girlfriend on sofa bed.

If it makes you very uncomfortable I understand but from my POV I want my DC to respect that I don’t want their sexuality out on display in my house when everyone is around (because that’s good manners in society generally) but what they do privately is OK because a sexual relationship at 16 is not in any way shameful. They need to respect the house rules of discretion and separate bedrooms.

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MrsColon · 05/12/2021 16:33

Can I ask - is the medication puberty blockers or cross-sex hormones? Is your DS trans? Because that puts a different spin on it (if he's the same biological sex as his gf there's no chance of pregnancy, although he shouldn't be sharing a room with his brother if that's the case).

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icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 16:26

You don't need a reason - just say no.

I wasn't allowed anyone of the opposite sex to sleep over until I was eighteen and we had been together for at least three months. My parents also expected to have met them at least once before they were allowed to stay over.

Those were just the rules of the house. He's free to move out if he doesn't like it.

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NataliaSerene · 05/12/2021 16:19

My answer would be because neither of you is old enough to deal with the many potential repercussions of having a sexual relationship and therefore I’m not willing to facilitate it.

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TurquoiseDragon · 05/12/2021 16:09

@ThinWomansBrain

should not impinge on his freedoms/rights/enjoyment
absolutely, when he moces out, he is welcome th shag whoever he wants.
When he is in your home, he needs to respect your freedoms/rights & enjoyment of a peaceful life.

This, absolutely.

Restricting sleepovers isn't impinging on his rights to have sex, only on having sex under your roof. And you can name your own rules, it's your house.

And if he's sharing a room with his DB, then his DB is going to know what they're up to, no matter how quiet they think they are being.
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Gretaburley · 05/12/2021 15:53

I would say of course she can stay over ds.
Ds 2 can sleep with his dad and I'll sleep in your room with you 2.
Well have a midnight feast.

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GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/12/2021 15:43

I’d be 50/50 if he had his own room but your younger DS has to be priority here.

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GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/12/2021 15:43

Could she not sleep over on air bed in the lounge? It’s out of the question given he shares with his brother that they should share.

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