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To not want this sleepover?
128

ChemistryBoggle · 04/12/2021 23:22

Ds 16 yrs wants his gf to sleep over. Previously it was an easy no as she was 15 and I could use the excuse of not encouraging under age sex.
They are now both 16 and itnhas come up again.
I am uncomfortable with it. When insaid this to ds he said my discomfort should not impinge on his freedoms/rights/enjoyment.
Should add, ds also shares a room with other ds. 14.
I can't articulate why it makes sense uncomfortable in a way he understands.
He raises the point that if either other dc wanted a sleepover then i would say yes no hesitation, which is true, but they're 1) younger (but still teens) 2) not in a relationship 3)the same sex.
On point 3) ds points out that he is bi, so would I say no to another male sleeping over. No, probably not, but again, if in a relationship then yes?
I don't know. Aibu?
Please help me make sense of the reluctance!

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Flutterflybutterby · 04/12/2021 23:59

He shares a bedroom with a younger sibling! It would be verging on child abuse for you to allow him to have sleepovers with his girlfriend with a younger sibling in the same bedroom! They'd definitely be snogging minimum, probably more. It would be disgustingly inappropriate. There couldn't be a better excuse than this one!

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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:00

@DramaAlpaca

As a parent you can say No. It's perfectly reasonable to say 'not under my roof' if that's how you feel and you don't need to give any other reason or explanation. It's your house and your decision is final, it really is that simple.

Anyway, you absolutely must say no in this case because he shares a room with his brother. It's completely inappropriate.

I am going to say no. I find it hard to articulate. His brother being there is of course the concern.
We are not planning on moving so it is not going to change any time soon.
I basically need rock solid wording as he argues so every step. There can never be "because i said so" with no further explanation with the way his mind works, without serious days long ww3.
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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:01

To address the shared bedroom thing, which of course is a no no, he would argos they could sleep on t the fold out in the lounge? This is how his mind works.

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Rosebel · 05/12/2021 00:02

If they aren't planning to have sex why does she need to stay over? Even if they don't plan to have sex they probably will just because the opportunity is there.
Also what do her parents think? I wouldn't want my just 16 year old daughter staying at her boyfriends house overnight.

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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:03

I am basically trying to think of every argument he could think up and having a counter no answer. Having one of his discussions about his rights is like playing chess and having to be four moves ahead Sad

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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:05

I mean I think it's shit that a child would usually think that mum being uncomfortable would be a good enough reason, but all he can do is say that I am infringing upon him. Sad

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BrilliantBetty · 05/12/2021 00:06

he would argos they could sleep on t the fold out in the lounge? This is how his mind works

That would seem like a fair suggestion and a compromise.

You realise they are in a relationship and physical. And want to spend the night together or at least alone time together. So where should they do this? In a home they are safe. What is the alternative? What's he supposed to do.. and if he lives with you for the next few years how is this going to work.

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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:07

Sometimes I feel he almost emotionally manipulates me, so i want to stand firm on this no, without losing our close relationship

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KosherDill · 05/12/2021 00:10

What on earth???

He's 16. Just say no. End of.

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averythinline · 05/12/2021 00:10

Honestly you do not need to have an answer for all his points...as an adult and a parent it is quite within your right to just say No..

It is really important that you can say No to him and also younger....think of it as good role modelling...

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Blossom64265 · 05/12/2021 00:11

When he is old enough to pay his own rent and take care of his own home, he will be free to have as many sleepovers as he wants. Until then, he simply lacks the maturity for the privilege. You would be crazy to facilitate any activity that could result in pregnancy for someone who doesn’t even buy his own groceries.

Yes, they may still be having sex and that is fine. Just have frequent conversations about consent, disease prevention, and birth control. You don’t need to provide them with a place to play house.

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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:12

@BrilliantBetty

he would argos they could sleep on t the fold out in the lounge? This is how his mind works

That would seem like a fair suggestion and a compromise.

You realise they are in a relationship and physical. And want to spend the night together or at least alone time together. So where should they do this? In a home they are safe. What is the alternative? What's he supposed to do.. and if he lives with you for the next few years how is this going to work.

This has helped actually, seeing counter arguments.
I can see you're point. But the line is a shared space. Dc get up early so would get up to see them in bed downstairs together. Or if would as I leave early (4.30 5 am) for work so would have to walk through. The lounge is on the middle of downstairs so we would be relegated to the small galley kitchen.
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LawnFever · 05/12/2021 00:12

@ChemistryBoggle

I am basically trying to think of every argument he could think up and having a counter no answer. Having one of his discussions about his rights is like playing chess and having to be four moves ahead Sad

The answer is no because it’s your house, and you make the rules because you are the adult and the parent.

You don’t have to counter argue with anything more than that, any argument he has is irrelevant.

When he has his own place he can do whatever he likes, that isn’t now, you’re in charge here.
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KosherDill · 05/12/2021 00:13

Is there a father in the picture?

Just because son legally can have sex does NOT mean you are obliged to condone or facilitate it. F F S.

Tell him sleepovers are an adult privilege he can enjoy when he's an independent adult. Period.

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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:14

@KosherDill

What on earth???

He's 16. Just say no. End of.

Unkind. I have explained why this is not possible. I want to say no and need the wording as I know he will kick off and I struggle to articulate when stressed.
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KosherDill · 05/12/2021 00:15

@Blossom64265

When he is old enough to pay his own rent and take care of his own home, he will be free to have as many sleepovers as he wants. Until then, he simply lacks the maturity for the privilege. You would be crazy to facilitate any activity that could result in pregnancy for someone who doesn’t even buy his own groceries.

Yes, they may still be having sex and that is fine. Just have frequent conversations about consent, disease prevention, and birth control. You don’t need to provide them with a place to play house.


Exactly.

I can't believe you even are entertaining the conversation, OP.

"no" is a complete sentence.
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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:15

@KosherDill

Is there a father in the picture?

Just because son legally can have sex does NOT mean you are obliged to condone or facilitate it. F F S.

Tell him sleepovers are an adult privilege he can enjoy when he's an independent adult. Period.

Yes but they do not get on at all. It makes life very hard sometimes.
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Bedsheets4knickers · 05/12/2021 00:18

It's a huge NO

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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:21

No it's not a complete sentence to an autistic person like my son. I already said no. Then I gave the reason being I am uncomfortable. He is still going on. There is no entertaining the conversation. I am sitting it down. It is not a simple as my house my rules and never had been.

For example he wanted me to buy certain medication on the Internet as he wasn't happy with the NHS waiting times and i said no. As soon as he turned 16, he took over his medical stuff, as he is entitled to do and the go sent him a standard letter to do, and I now have no say. Which is fine but not fine (complex issue and I think he is being socially led) and I only get the headlines as to what is going on with that issue.

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HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 05/12/2021 00:21

The answer is no because it’s your house, and you make the rules because you are the adult and the parent.

You don’t have to counter argue with anything more than that, any argument he has is irrelevant.

When he has his own place he can do whatever he likes, that isn’t now, you’re in charge here.

This.

I get why you want to have counter arguments ready, but you need to be clear in your own mind that at the end of the day you are the parent and while he is underage you are in charge.

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ChemistryBoggle · 05/12/2021 00:21

Shutting not sitting

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Blanketpolicy · 05/12/2021 00:24

I am basically trying to think of every argument he could think up and having a counter no answer.

Sometimes it is perfectly ok to just say - no, I dont feel comfortable with that and I am not discussing it further.

If it was ds I would just laugh and say "you've no chance" and that would be it. If he pushed he would be told if he isnt mature enough to work it out by himself he isnt mature enough to have her staying over.

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SelfHelpPlease · 05/12/2021 00:25

If he doesn't have sex at your house, he'll find some where else to do it, that's my experience. If he is allowed to stay at his girlfriend, he might spend more time there. Which means you could lose that closeness that you have.

You could let him have the sleep over, ask younger to sleep on sofa? And lay down some rules, such as, leaving the door open. Separate beds. Tell him you're putting your trust in him.

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521Jeanie · 05/12/2021 00:26

No, for the poor brother's sake. Talk about awkward for him!

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ERGx · 05/12/2021 00:29

It’s a difficult one because when I was 16 I was staying over at my boyfriends house and obviously having sex but I also worked and was at collage so was paying rent so was very “adult”
I’d personally rather it be under my roof in a safe space, not in a park or god knows where but obviously the fact your other son shares a room is not fair on him. Does your son ever stay at his gfs family home overnight?

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