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After 45/50 years old - financial security when I see other marriages failing
217

JackRatt · 04/12/2021 09:58

Hello all,

I have various friends who are currently going
through terrible divorce/ break ups (in these cases male instigated -affairs etc) and at the moment finances are completely controlled by men, who seem to be holding all the cards…

I wondered what the best way to safeguard and protect your future is? Especially if you have been a SAHM for the majority of your husbands working life?

Thank you

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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RandomMess · 04/12/2021 10:05

Massive difference if you are married or not.

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WayneBruce · 04/12/2021 10:10

To not put yourself in the position in the first place. SAHM is a choice, and has risks. Unless the couple has lots of shared assests and is wealthy, divorce at 40/50 is hard all round as either side has to 'start again'.

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pointythings · 04/12/2021 10:20

Two things to do:

Make sure you are married, especially if you have children.
Don't be a SAHM, maintain financial independence if you possibly can.

Once you're in your friends' situation, it's very hard to get out. Being a SAHM is such a massive risk if the marriage doesn't work out.

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Ozanj · 04/12/2021 10:23

Keep working and offer to be the ‘saver’ while your OH pays the bills - this means you have all the control over finances in case there is a break up. Top tip 1 from my gran who was abused all her married life.

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CaliforniaDrumming · 04/12/2021 10:25

Marry
Don't be an SAHM
Get your name on all the property deeds and have joint bank acs
know where the money is

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daisydoh · 04/12/2021 10:26

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

I guess you can't win.

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WaterBottle123 · 04/12/2021 10:26

Previous posters are incorrect. ONLY marry if you are the LOWER earner and have no assets.

Under no circumstances give up your job or go part time whike he remains full time

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WaterBottle123 · 04/12/2021 10:27

@daisydoh

The solution is simple, you just ignore the misogynists

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pianolessons1 · 04/12/2021 10:28

Don't be a SAHM
Insist on full online access to all the finances
Have some money in your own name

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DameCelia · 04/12/2021 10:29

Only be a SAHM if you are married and there are enough assets for you both to start over again. That way a 50/50 split (assuming no-one has to house and bring up children) sees both parties able to walk away and carry on with life financially secure.
As a couple if you don't have enough money to maintain two separate households then you don't have enough money to afford for one of you to be a SAHP. Sorry.

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daisydoh · 04/12/2021 10:29

@WaterBottle123 agree with you.

I am not a SAHM and personally couldn't be. I started a thread about not wanting to stop working after birth and wanting to remain 50/50 with everything and you would not believe the backlash it got.

Was a very stark contrast to this thread which is why I say women can't seem to win either way

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nocnoc · 04/12/2021 10:30

Make sure you are married. Make sure you have your own bank account with enough in it to pay for legal advice if shit hits the fan. Start thinking about getting paid work. Retrain.

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Rosemaryandlemon · 04/12/2021 10:31

  • Get married before you have children
  • Keep your foot in the door of your career (1 day a week/locum work). I always remind clients the court will expect you to get a job. It doesn’t matter if you were a CEO before kids. You can’t say, “well I can’t do that so I can’t work”. The court will say fine, but you can get a job that pays minimum wage.
  • always have your own bank account with some money in (you can still have a joint account and finances, but have your own account with some money in for emergencies)
  • Don’t overstretch yourself financially. So many clients have stayed in terrible marriages for years because they can’t afford to maintain their lifestyle (so private school fees, nice house) when they split up.
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Mojoj · 04/12/2021 10:33

As my late mammy told us "always have your own bank book". Nothing wrong with being a SAHM if that's what you want but definitely not if it makes you totally financially dependent in your OH.

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Insert1x20p · 04/12/2021 10:36

As a minimum stay on top of the finances- know what there is and where. Take control of family finances. If there's a very large earnings disparity(ie your income doesn't really impact family living standards) then save your income (account/ funds in your name) and live off his. If you're not earning, insist on pension contributions out of his income. Top up your NI out of the family pot so you get the full state pension on retirement. If you invest in property, put it in joint names.

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Tibtab · 04/12/2021 10:39

If you have been a SAHM for the majority of your DH’s working life surely there has been a conversation about finances - like access to savings, pension contributions etc.

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Insert1x20p · 04/12/2021 10:41

I'd say always get assets in your own name because they can clear out the joint account and there's nothing you can do if it's spent. An aquaintance had a terrible situation where her husband suffered a brain injury and it totally changed his personality- he started compulsively gambling/ day trading and because all the assets were joint or in his name only (a couple of investment flats) it was almost all gone before they managed to get a court order to stop it.

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KeyboardWorriers · 04/12/2021 10:43

Don't be a sahm, unless you are already independently wealthy.

Don't put all your cash into a joint basket. Have your own savings and investments.

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mdh2020 · 04/12/2021 10:45

The advice given to young women now is to make sure they have an emergency fund so they can leave if they want/ have to. I don’t think it’s possible to build this up once one is 50/60. It doesn’t always matter if you are married or not. My DS didn’t realise her DH hadn’t put her name on the deeds of the house.

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icedcoffees · 04/12/2021 10:45

Did you not discuss this before deciding to become a SAHM?

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Insert1x20p · 04/12/2021 10:48

Thing is you can discuss it all you want but if they decide to be a mega twat you're still vulnerable. Also a lot of people don't decide to be a SAHM- its something they fall into.

Also, sometimes if there's a big earnings disparity you are better off being a SAHM in terms of settlement if you have dependent kids.

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silentpool · 04/12/2021 10:48

Top up your private pension from the family budget/funds.
Use family funds to buy extra years for the state pension,.
Re-train or get a job - do not depend on your DH.

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Insert1x20p · 04/12/2021 10:49

My DS didn’t realise her DH hadn’t put her name on the deeds of the house.

How could that have happened because presumably she signed the deed transfer/ exchange documents.

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PicsInRed · 04/12/2021 10:52

Claim child benefit even if you husbands earning are high enough to need to pay the higher earner charge.

Child benefit protects NI contributions for any period as a SAHM whilst kids are under 18.

Otherwise you may miss out on full state pension.

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RandomLondoner · 04/12/2021 10:56

at the moment finances are completely controlled by men, who seem to be holding all the cards…

If the men control the finances, it's probably because they earned the money, and it's in their own account. They will regard it as their own. Divorce may change that. So I take the opposite view, it's the women who hold the cards, and the men who should be shivering in fear at the prospect of divorce, because divorce is the trigger for a transfer of wealth from them to to their soon-to-be-ex-wives.

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