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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

After 45/50 years old - financial security when I see other marriages failing

217 replies

JackRatt · 04/12/2021 09:58

Hello all,

I have various friends who are currently going
through terrible divorce/ break ups (in these cases male instigated -affairs etc) and at the moment finances are completely controlled by men, who seem to be holding all the cards…

I wondered what the best way to safeguard and protect your future is? Especially if you have been a SAHM for the majority of your husbands working life?

Thank you

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2021 11:06

This is why I would never be a SAHM. I wouldn't want to gamble mine and my children's lifelong security on my husband's fidelity.

Plenty of people will tip up to say their husband would never cheat and in many cases probably right. But statistically many of these marriages will fail. It's playing financial Russian Roulette to hand so much financial power to someone else.

If you want to be a SAHM with all that said you have to get married as this will give you some protection.

But by far the simplest and most important thing to do is to start out determined not to rely on another person's income and goodwill.

devildeepbluesea · 04/12/2021 11:07

I'm so grateful to have always worked FT, now that I'm late 40s.
I look at my sister who, granted, has always worked - but PT. Her DH is a diamond, but she still hides purchases from him and relies on his wage to pay the bills.
Then I look at her friends who became SAHMs and are now divorcing. They have no assets, their husbands have squirrelled all the savings away somewhere secret and they are having to battle for every penny, and will simply never have the lifestyle they became accustomed to again.
And then there are the unmarried couples, now splitting up. These women have seen their funds drop by around 90% in some cases.

I may not have the great big house, or the Chelsea tractor but what I do have is mine. And, where these women (mostly all intelligent, graduates and postgrads) are now applying for admin jobs paying less than £20k, just as I'm entering the peak of my career and earning potential. Makes me wonder at my younger self, envious of their leisurely lifestyles.

ronniz · 04/12/2021 11:07

Previous posters are incorrect. ONLY marry if you are the LOWER earner and have no assets.

Yes! Don't marry if you have the assets!

ronniz · 04/12/2021 11:09

If you want to be a SAHP, pay your NI credits. a separate pension out of household income & make sure you have access to income, savings etc.

notacooldad · 04/12/2021 11:09

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids
Scorn is not going to harm you or protect you.
Stuff other people's opinions. Look after your own corner.

icedcoffees · 04/12/2021 11:12

@daisydoh

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

I guess you can't win.

Why do you care about so much about what other people think?

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2021 11:16

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

Screw other people's scorn. Protecting yourself and your own children financially is more important than a few busybodies with outdated views.

DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 11:18

@daisydoh

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

I guess you can't win.

The people who say "don't be a SAHM" aren't going to be the ones scorning working mothers.

Shmithecat2 · 04/12/2021 11:19

@DameCelia

Only be a SAHM if you are married and there are enough assets for you both to start over again. That way a 50/50 split (assuming no-one has to house and bring up children) sees both parties able to walk away and carry on with life financially secure. As a couple if you don't have enough money to maintain two separate households then you don't have enough money to afford for one of you to be a SAHP. Sorry.

This is my situation. Totally agree with all of this.

DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 11:21

@daisydoh

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

I guess you can't win.

"Really Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time."

Fairyliz · 04/12/2021 11:21

What surprises me most about this thread is you are saying you know lots of women in their 40s/50’s who are SAHM.
I’m in my 60’s and don’t have any friends/family members who haven’t worked after children. Even my mums generation who are now in their 80s /90’s worked at least part time.
I assume this is because they have very high earnings partners so shouldn’t be so much of a problem in the case of a split?

Lalliella · 04/12/2021 11:32

@daisydoh

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

I guess you can't win.

@daisydoh you are correct, as a woman you cannot win

BorgQueen · 04/12/2021 11:35

It’s irrelevant if both names are on property deeds in a long marriage - assets are always seen as joint BUT, it wouldn’t stop financial abuse such as the registered owner securing debts against the house.
A spouse not on the deeds can register a right of occupation/matrimonial rights with the land registry.

changeyourname11111 · 04/12/2021 11:38

Get married.

Make sure you have the funds/savings for a divorce solicitor.

I was a SAHM looking after 3 dc and then went back to work, but ex had his name on almost all assets. Without my Dad’s financial and emotional help I would not have been able to withstand the horrible marathon that my divorce was. 18 months from when my relationship completely broke down (after many years of being dysfunctional and emotionally abusive), to when ex finally moved out.

And now I am free .

GreenLunchBox · 04/12/2021 11:40

@Insert1x20p

My DS didn’t realise her DH hadn’t put her name on the deeds of the house.

How could that have happened because presumably she signed the deed transfer/ exchange documents.

Yes, this

stalkersaga · 04/12/2021 11:41

Don't be a SAHM, is the brutal truth to this one. If you have been financially dependent on someone else for decades, yeah you are going to be fucked if he declines to pay for you further. If you must do it, make sure you get NI credits towards state pension (although I believe you only get these from Child benefit until your youngest is 12), save into a private pension, and hold some assets in your name. But mostly don't do it. And if you must do it, start preparing to cover yourself financially the day you do it, not later.

sst1234 · 04/12/2021 11:43

Don’t be a SAHM and you won’t have this problem. It’s really not rocket science in 21st century for women to know that being financially independent is crucial. And being a SAHM is in no way the same as being in the workplace when it comes to long term life prospects.

stalkersaga · 04/12/2021 11:43

@Fairyliz

What surprises me most about this thread is you are saying you know lots of women in their 40s/50’s who are SAHM. I’m in my 60’s and don’t have any friends/family members who haven’t worked after children. Even my mums generation who are now in their 80s /90’s worked at least part time. I assume this is because they have very high earnings partners so shouldn’t be so much of a problem in the case of a split?

The women are still going to experience a massive drop in standard of living in that scenario. Unless their ex is Jeff Bezos. They might not be scraping to cover rent, but they won't be living like they were before.

DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 11:45

It isn't just about SAHMs. If you work but earn a lot less than your partner, you'll still have to make a lot of adjustments. It'll certainly be easier, though.

GoGoGretaDoll · 04/12/2021 11:45

Apart from not being a SAHM in the first place, pay into your own pension fund, even if it's only a little bit of money.

Always view the money as 'ours', not his. I obviously don't have a crystal ball in terms of my marriage, but I know for a fact my husband wouldn't expect to walk away with his full pension etc - because I've always been very clear that the decisions we've made regarding my career have 100% enabled his career to flourish. He doesn't talk about 'his' money ever, it's 'ours'. I know that's no guarantee, but I think it's a reasonable predictor of future behaviour.

Become the financial controller. Know where the money is and how to get to it. A lot of men hide assets in divorce and get away with it because their wife doesn't actually know how much is in account A, account B, etc.

Think really carefully about your mortgage in slightly later life. What would happen if you had to sell everything tomorrow and divide it in half - would you be dividing profit or debt? I see a lot of ppl my age moving to massive houses with massive mortgages - I think if you can keep some assets liquid then that's easier to deal with.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2021 11:46

@Fairyliz

What surprises me most about this thread is you are saying you know lots of women in their 40s/50’s who are SAHM. I’m in my 60’s and don’t have any friends/family members who haven’t worked after children. Even my mums generation who are now in their 80s /90’s worked at least part time. I assume this is because they have very high earnings partners so shouldn’t be so much of a problem in the case of a split?

Agree: among my cohort of friends (late 40s) I know only one SAHM, and that’s due to having two special needs children.

I do totally understand how it works with small kids but I find it bizarre that there are people in their 60s who have never worked.

sst1234 · 04/12/2021 11:48

@daisydoh

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

I guess you can't win.

Huh? It’s not the 50s when women were scorned. Not sure which circles you are mixing with, but no one bats an eyelid at full time mothers. In fact, it’s seen as a setting a good example to your children, especially daughters, to be a full time working mother.

NotKnowingArseFromElbow · 04/12/2021 11:50

How do women get themselves in these situations??

I was a SAHM for many years but financially independent and married.

DeepaBeesKit · 04/12/2021 11:54

Giving up work completely is a huge risk that I would never take.

If you insist upon being a SAHM:

get married.
everything in joint names
ensure you have half any savings
ensure your NI and pension contributions are made.

ronniz · 04/12/2021 11:55

I was a SAHM for many years but financially independent and married.

Well regardless of sex not many people are financially independent without working. Plus people trust & believe in their partners. One of my friends went through a recent divorce, I've known her DH for years. I was shocked (& I think I'm a good judge of character) how bitter & selfish he became. He changed personality completely.

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