Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

After 45/50 years old - financial security when I see other marriages failing
217

JackRatt · 04/12/2021 09:58

Hello all,

I have various friends who are currently going
through terrible divorce/ break ups (in these cases male instigated -affairs etc) and at the moment finances are completely controlled by men, who seem to be holding all the cards…

I wondered what the best way to safeguard and protect your future is? Especially if you have been a SAHM for the majority of your husbands working life?

Thank you

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

StEval · 05/12/2021 18:41

But the baseline is that chasing this should not be used to compromise the basic need for women to be able to look after their financial needs without a man.

I wasnt suggesting it was.
It was in response to the idea that women become SAHM and take control of the finances -this is seen as being enough.
It isnt.

think a lot of women convince themselves that their children’s lives will be enhanced by a male “role model” and try to shoehorn a man into this role whether he is up to the job or not.
I was talking about my childrens father
Him being present not just off to his job being seen as an adequate contribution.
If he wasnt around , I wouldnt have touched another man with a bargepole !

Please
or
to access all these features

thepeopleversuswork · 05/12/2021 19:07

@StEval

I understand what you mean. I totally agree that any man, whether a biological father or otherwise, will have to be present in the family and not think its enough just to go out and earn money.

What I meant is that I think some women, after their marriage/relationship has broken down, look for a man to step into the role of stepfather too quickly without being honest with themselves about whether the man is up to it and try to push the first man they like into this role, citing the need for a "male role model" etc.

In actual fact there's no automatic need for children to have a male role model in their lives. If one can be found who is supportive and enhance the children's lives then that's a bonus but the bar should be set extremely high and the idea that any man is better for the children than none is woefully misguided. This may sound obvious but a lot of women appear to believe that hooking up with a man and forcing the creation of a "family" is automatically in the children's best interests when very often the woman on her own with her children is the best version of the family.

Please
or
to access all these features

StEval · 05/12/2021 19:10

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@StEval

I understand what you mean. I totally agree that any man, whether a biological father or otherwise, will have to be present in the family and not think its enough just to go out and earn money.

What I meant is that I think some women, after their marriage/relationship has broken down, look for a man to step into the role of stepfather too quickly without being honest with themselves about whether the man is up to it and try to push the first man they like into this role, citing the need for a "male role model" etc.

In actual fact there's no automatic need for children to have a male role model in their lives. If one can be found who is supportive and enhance the children's lives then that's a bonus but the bar should be set extremely high and the idea that any man is better for the children than none is woefully misguided. This may sound obvious but a lot of women appear to believe that hooking up with a man and forcing the creation of a "family" is automatically in the children's best interests when very often the woman on her own with her children is the best version of the family.[/quote]
Fair enough but thats a whole different thread and not what I was referring too at all.

Please
or
to access all these features

thepeopleversuswork · 05/12/2021 19:19

@StEval you're right there's a separate thread running on this topic at the moment and that's probably coloured my view.

None of this changes the fact that we're in agreement that a woman should always have her own money.

Please
or
to access all these features

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 05/12/2021 19:23

30 years together and we've never married.
We have separate savings and bank accounts. The joint account we use to transfer money from our own accounts to cover bills.
Don't ever give up your financial freedom!

Please
or
to access all these features

StEval · 05/12/2021 19:27

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@StEval you're right there's a separate thread running on this topic at the moment and that's probably coloured my view.

None of this changes the fact that we're in agreement that a woman should always have her own money.[/quote]
Agreed!

Please
or
to access all these features

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 19:35

I think there’s always the assumption on here that any given woman would have a professional career if she wasn’t a SAHM. I’m not sure that’s always the case and sometimes marrying a rich man and being a SAHM is going to be a better financial than working in a low paid retail job.

In some ways it’s a bit like comparing somebody who spends all their wages on travelling, luxury items, and generally enjoying life vs another person who saves all their money but doesn’t have the same enjoyment. Latter person is set for the long run but the cost is not enjoying their youth to the full whilst it lasts.

Similarly, the housewife has more financial risk long term but isn’t wasting her life sat at a desk making spreadsheets and can spend the time within her young children which can’t ever be reclaimed at a later date if missed.

Please
or
to access all these features

tarasmalatarocks · 05/12/2021 20:09

@EightWheelGirl I totally agree but plenty on here seem to combine all the risks, SAHM, not married and partner without assets or cash!!

Please
or
to access all these features

Regretsandregrets · 05/12/2021 20:22

Focus on building a successful career and achieving financial independence. Dont have kids if that puts a strain on your personal situation. Enter a relationship as a financial equal if you want to leave as equal.

Please
or
to access all these features

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 05/12/2021 20:39

@daisydoh

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

I guess you can't win.

I'd rather be scorned than screwed.

Plus I don't care what people think, I love my career and have chosen not to give it up despite being able to.
Please
or
to access all these features

Avarua · 05/12/2021 21:01

My number 1 tip: don't be a victim in your own life. Don't make "poor me" excuses for your own decisions.

Please
or
to access all these features

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:39

I think personally I’d feel I’d already lost if I had to sit at a desk for the majority of hours in a day, majority of days in a week, every week of most months, most months of the year, and then most years of my life.

Please
or
to access all these features

Fidgetty · 05/12/2021 21:47

Bring a SAHM isn't risky if you're in a good financial position to start with and have a career that's easy to get back into. I think some people mean well when they say this as they've seen women be screwed over but others just like to put SAHMs down due to jealousy/internalised misogyny/general cantankerousnous!

I was a SAHM for 5 years and it was my smartest parenting move - paid off in spades for my DC. It benefitted us all much more than staying at work ever would have. I'm back at work now with zero issues and zero financial implications. The things that made it low risk were:

I paid into a pension all along so it's had no long term financial impact. I also kept up to date with CPD throughout which kept my head sharp and made sliding back into the workforce much easier. My husband set up a limited company so I "technically" worked for that company throughout (did a tiny bit of work with it but very limited really) so no gaps on my CV and a reference.

Please
or
to access all these features

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 05/12/2021 21:48

@EightWheelGirl

I think personally I’d feel I’d already lost if I had to sit at a desk for the majority of hours in a day, majority of days in a week, every week of most months, most months of the year, and then most years of my life.

Well a) I don't sit at a desk the majority of the time, b) I don't feel I've lost and c) and d feel like I lost if I had to be a SAHP.
Please
or
to access all these features

SofiaMichelle · 05/12/2021 21:53

@EightWheelGirl

I think personally I’d feel I’d already lost if I had to sit at a desk for the majority of hours in a day, majority of days in a week, every week of most months, most months of the year, and then most years of my life.

So what would you consider to have been a win?
Please
or
to access all these features

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:58

Well a) I don't sit at a desk the majority of the time, b) I don't feel I've lost and c) and d feel like I lost if I had to be a SAHP.

Well if that works for you then great, but I don’t understand how so many women seem to have ‘being a businesswoman’ as their main goal in life. I earn well enough and have good prospects but tend to have a view more like the average bloke in that it’s a means to an end, not the objective in itself. I don’t really see my career as a means of personal validation/identity.

Please
or
to access all these features

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:59

So what would you consider to have been a win?

Winning the lottery and not having to sacrifice the vast majority of my life to be able to live it.

Please
or
to access all these features

thepeopleversuswork · 05/12/2021 22:01

@EightWheelGirl

I think there’s always the assumption on here that any given woman would have a professional career if she wasn’t a SAHM. I’m not sure that’s always the case and sometimes marrying a rich man and being a SAHM is going to be a better financial than working in a low paid retail job.

I don't think anyone's assuming that you have to have a "professional career". They're saying having an ability to make your own money is vital, whether you're an accountant or a florist.

Marrying a rich man and staying at home may be financially better. But it's a huge gamble. You're gambling on that rich man continuing to love you and find you attractive, consider you a good partner and mother, not cheating on you, being financially trustworthy, not getting sick or dying young. It's a bit like saying you might win the lottery. You might indeed. But few people would stop work on the basis that their lottery ticket will come good some day. Even if you do win the man lottery, you'll still never really be in control.

Also your assumption that a working woman is "wasting her life sat at a desk making spreadsheets" is a pretty broad brush statement. You do know that not all working mothers make spreadsheets, no?

Please
or
to access all these features

minimonkey11 · 05/12/2021 22:04

If you have kids and have your names jointly on the house deeds - what difference does marriage make? This is a genuine question - what does marriage give you?

Please
or
to access all these features

DrSbaitso · 05/12/2021 22:09

I earn well enough and have good prospects but tend to have a view more like the average bloke

You don't say.

Please
or
to access all these features

DameCelia · 05/12/2021 22:10

@minimonkey11
If you live together and split up the working parent only has to support the children.
If a married couple split up all assets are thrown in the pot, children and non working parent get housed and the rest split according to need.
(Very roughly 😜)

Please
or
to access all these features

notanothertakeaway · 05/12/2021 22:11

Don't be a SAHM

Earn your own money

Simples

Please
or
to access all these features

minimonkey11 · 05/12/2021 22:13

Oh ok so the working parent pays maintenance for the kids as such but sahm is on her own in terms of financial support?

Please
or
to access all these features

minimonkey11 · 05/12/2021 22:15

Apart from they get half the house?

Please
or
to access all these features

thepeopleversuswork · 05/12/2021 22:26

Well if that works for you then great, but I don’t understand how so many women seem to have ‘being a businesswoman’ as their main goal in life.

But no one has said you need to "be a businesswoman". This is a ridiculous fallacy which comes up time and again on these threads - as if working mums were all ball-busting Trump mini mes. It's a stereotype straight out of the 1980s. There's a middle ground between "being a businesswoman" and being totally supported by your husband. The vast majority of women in the world fall into this middle ground.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.