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After 45/50 years old - financial security when I see other marriages failing
217

JackRatt · 04/12/2021 09:58

Hello all,

I have various friends who are currently going
through terrible divorce/ break ups (in these cases male instigated -affairs etc) and at the moment finances are completely controlled by men, who seem to be holding all the cards…

I wondered what the best way to safeguard and protect your future is? Especially if you have been a SAHM for the majority of your husbands working life?

Thank you

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

FrancescaContini · 04/12/2021 12:55

@Vintagevixen

This stuff needs to be taught in school.

Yep
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BridStar · 04/12/2021 12:55

@CaliforniaDrumming

Do you all not sign property deeds when you buy a house? When we did I made sure my name was on it and I had copies. Ditto all assets like shares, bonds and so on.

Men can aggressively say no. You're a bit stuck then.
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Vintagevixen · 04/12/2021 12:58

@BridStar

Being married is all well and good but does it help a lot in the end? Men still hide their money and refuse to pay child support. You'll still be homeless.

Obviously being a non married partner is worse, but court fees and hidden, squirreled money are still factors for the married ones.

See it would have given me access to his pension, after years of me having no pension because I couldn't afford the monthly payments due to childcare and low earnings etc. So marriage would have benefitted me yes.

Also my ex has tried to hide his earnings and CMS have been able to refute this and I now get a reasonable monthly amount. possibly he could have been more devious and tried harder to hide then I suppose.
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RealBecca · 04/12/2021 13:00

Pay into/top up NI contributions from joint finances and look at whether you can start a private pension fund (i honestly dont know if you can if you arent working?) If you can it will require large contributions to equal your husbands

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CaliforniaDrumming · 04/12/2021 13:00

Yes, men can aggressively say no to having property and assets in your name as well. This is a warning sign to get back to work if you can. It means he will leave you high and dry.

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Ana27 · 04/12/2021 13:02

@RealBecca

Pay into/top up NI contributions from joint finances and look at whether you can start a private pension fund (i honestly dont know if you can if you arent working?) If you can it will require large contributions to equal your husbands

Yes you can pay in £2880 into a pension if you are not working and it is topped up to £3600 through tax relief even though you are not paying income tax. Not a huge amount but would add up if you started it as soon as you became a SAHM.
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saleorbouy · 04/12/2021 13:03

Like any part of life and marriage each partner should take an interest all areas, finance, maintaining the home, caring for the children, this way no part of life is completely alien to the other and if one of you dies or leaves the relationship then the others can pick up the pieces more easily.
Its natural that partners have more interest or time to spend in certain areas of home life but to bury your head in the sand an ignore important areas is disastrous.
You should have an understanding of the household finances, savings and pension provisions, and life cover as a basic minimum.

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Ellen888 · 04/12/2021 13:04

I have told all the girls in my/my extended family not to even consider having a child with a man unless they were prepared to financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically support that child alone.

You cannot guarantee that your partner will always be there for you, and you will still be alone even if he did not choose to leave you.

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mayblossominapril · 04/12/2021 13:08

@WaterBottle123

Previous posters are incorrect. ONLY marry if you are the LOWER earner and have no assets.

Under no circumstances give up your job or go part time whike he remains full time

This
Don’t marry if you have more assets and equal or greater earning power.

I took my full mat leave but have gone back to full self employment. It’s barely manageable at the moment be will get easier in another year.

Remember to look at ways you can increase your earning potential whilst not increasing the hours you work. So reducing the commute, more wfh, changing what you do etc.
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GoodnightGrandma · 04/12/2021 13:08

Check that you’ve paid enough NI for a full old age pension.

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lastqueenofscotland · 04/12/2021 13:08

I think a lot of relationships have a partner that does the finances because they are better at it, which is an absolute cop out. Like the poster that mentioned not realising they weren’t on the deeds, take some responsibility!
A NT adult should have basic financial literacy rather than just “oh that’s so and so job” it’s both pathetic and hugely risky.

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GoodnightGrandma · 04/12/2021 13:09

Make sure your car is in your name, not his.

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FrancescaContini · 04/12/2021 13:11

@Ellen888

I have told all the girls in my/my extended family not to even consider having a child with a man unless they were prepared to financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically support that child alone.

You cannot guarantee that your partner will always be there for you, and you will still be alone even if he did not choose to leave you.

Great advice. Totally agree.

Make sure you can afford mortgage on just one income.
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GoodnightGrandma · 04/12/2021 13:14

Have a will in place.
Make sure you are Tenants in Common so you individually own 50% of your house. That way your half won’t be taken into account if your DH needs care.
Think about leaving everything to your children, but giving your DH a lifetime interest in your half of the house, unless he co-habitates or remarries.
The will is REALLY important.

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Viviennemary · 04/12/2021 13:14

Even if your DH earns a good salary and you earn very little or even nothing don't sit back and think it's all family money. When push comes to shove it absolutely isn't.

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PegasusReturns · 04/12/2021 13:14

Being married is all well and good but does it help a lot in the end? Men still hide their money and refuse to pay child support. You'll still be homeless

It helps in the vast majority of cases where there are assets. Men might hide assets but that takes the money and effort that generally only the wealthy have. And the wealthy also have many visible assets: cars, houses, jewellery, pensions. That will all be split.

Bob who works as a sales manager on £100k is going to find it much harder to stash any meaningful sum of cash. Provided you are married, if there are assets you’ll get half.

Where being married is no help is where you are the higher earner or there are no assets to speak of.

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RedskyThisNight · 04/12/2021 13:16

Men can aggressively say no. You're a bit stuck then.

or you could just not buy a house with someone who's not prepared to treat you as an equal?
Better still, not stay with them at all.

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ronniz · 04/12/2021 13:18

I do think even if you get your "share" from a divorce it's very hard to maintain a similar lifestyle. My friend got 75% of the house equity, no pension access & the statutory maintenance. If she didn't work perhaps she would get more? But working meant she could borrow 200k to get a mortgage with the equity, buy a smaller house in the same area. Stage of life makes a difference too I guess.

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Getasolicitor · 04/12/2021 13:22

’Being married is all well and good but does it help a lot in the end? Men still hide their money and refuse to pay child support. You'll still be homeless.’

Being married helps a lot as does ensuring that you have access to any joint savings so that you can pay for a solicitor.

When my ex ended things after 20+ years I was in shock. Thanks to reading the MN Relationships board I knew that there was probably another woman on the scene (there was) and that I couldn’t count on him to keep behaving like the reasonable person I thought I knew. I transferred enough money from our joint savings to my current account to cover my living expenses for several months and to pay for a solicitor. I also gathered all the paperwork I could including his payslips and pension info.

Without marriage? I’d have been entitled to £0. With marriage? Spousal support, 70% of the value of the house, 60% of the joint savings and a hefty chunk of his pension.

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Chrysanthemum5 · 04/12/2021 13:25

I'm in my 50s and all the women in my family have always worked due to financial necessity. But I know a lot of women who were lawyers, bankers etc but became SAHPs because they prioritised their husbands career. They now have teenage or adult children and don't work. I hope they all have financial plans in place.

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THisbackwithavengeance · 04/12/2021 13:28

I think a lot of SAHMs expect to get divorced and yet keep the house, lifestyle and income and not have to work.

And then come crying on MN about how unfair it all is and how they don't see why they should have to get a job.

Getting 50-50 is not being shafted.

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BobLemon · 04/12/2021 13:34

Pensions. The pensions pots should be equal. If his employer contributes 5% before he pays any in, then you should also receive 5% into a private pension.

All money is family money. Any spending money/personal savings from the family money should be equal.

NI contributions - make sure you’ll have enough for the full state pensions.

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PupInAPram · 04/12/2021 13:38

@lastqueenofscotland

I think a lot of relationships have a partner that does the finances because they are better at it, which is an absolute cop out. Like the poster that mentioned not realising they weren’t on the deeds, take some responsibility!
A NT adult should have basic financial literacy rather than just “oh that’s so and so job” it’s both pathetic and hugely risky.

It's not pathetic. Women in the workplace and in society in general were treated very differently 30, 40 or 50 years ago. Have some empathy or failing that don't make blanket comments about things you don't understand and will never experience.
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BloomingTrees · 04/12/2021 13:41

Be financially aware of everything.
Don't let him be in charge of finances.

I was the one who went around and got us a good deal on our mortgage, both our names went on the deeds, I have an individual savings account.

My bank advisor when buying our first flat together told me (when DH wasn't there) to make sure I always paid my half of the mortgage (into our joint bank account) as a first priority and then if needs be get DH to pay for other things like food and clothes. He said in the event of divorce it would benefit me. I didn't even ask for advice !

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ivykaty44 · 04/12/2021 13:42

Dear All and husbands, such an interesting first post........

and are you a stay at home parents Jack? have you stayed and looked after the children whilst your spouse has built their career?

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