Lone woman - weirdo?

[Fireatseaparks]

I'm a single woman without children (undecided but leaning heavily towards not having them as I've never felt 'the urge' or met anyone I could see myself having them with - of course that's assuming I have the choice at all, which I don't know having never tried).

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

My problem is this: I never noticed this when I was younger, but since my late twenties/early thirties, I've started to feel out of place going to cafes, wandering around markets etc. on my own, particularly at weekends when everyone seems to be part of a family.

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was one of me looking into a rock pool somewhere when I was about seven. I'd love to go and look in rock pools now, but I can't shake the feeling that a lone woman A) would look weird peering into rock pools by herself and B) I'd be scared of slipping or getting caught by the tide or something without anyone around to help.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

This feeling of being separate from society seems to be growing as I get older. There have been times when I've been sat at a table in a cafe at the weekend and I'm the ONLY one by myself in there. I feel like some sort of deviant, like I'm encroaching on other people's family space. I only go to cafes during the week now, when it's somehow more 'acceptable' and expected for people to be on their own.

I know this is my own problem and people probably don't really look at me and think 'is she alone, what a weirdo, why is she here' and even if they DID I shouldn't let it bother me. In other aspects of my life I'm confident and not overly bothered by opinions, but in this area, I can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I just sometimes feel like I'm a hanger-on on the outskirts of society. I know i need to get a grip and I appreciate if much rather be in this position than in an unhappy relationship or with children I can't cope with and I do count my blessings.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

Im at House of Gucci on my own, hasnt started yet. Nobody is looking at me.

I'm going to the cinema solo tonight. Looking forward to it.

Get a dog?

I used to feel a bit of a weirdo hiking by myself (I do have a DH and DC but only DD1 will ever come and she is an older teen with her own life now)

Since I got the dog I feel safer and also more 'socially acceptable' like I have a sanctioned purpose for being there ie walking the dog. Also does mean people have something ready made to say to you if you do want to talk. Dog likes much the same stuff I like ie a long hike in nature whatever the weather and a sit down at a café afterwards. I am not into shopping or anything much else that I can't do without him.

If you like doing dog unfriendly things then it would be a bind but for getting out in nature I absolutely love it and it makes me very happy. Also love his company of an evening curled up by the fire.

@AnFiadhRua

Im at House of Gucci on my own, hasnt started yet. Nobody is looking at me.

Any good?

Not sure I'd its been suggested but how about a dog.

How convo starter too..

[quote HaveringWavering]@IamGusFring

Look - you were the one who picked me up on what I said to start with that I don't do singles group holidays !

I didn’t “pick you up”. I asked what it was about group holidays that you didn’t like, when you were happy to do other group activities with strangers, as long as they only lasted a day. It was just curiosity.

You asked me why I didn't want to do singles group holidays and I told you .

No, you told me what you didn’t like about package or organised holidays, not singles holidays.

I hate having a schedule imposed on me

And that is how you should have said it, instead of suggesting that someone who goes on a group holiday could not possibly cope with travelling on their own.

I don't know what your problem is Whatever happened to your "horses for courses" comment ?🙄

You sneered at group holiday “crap”. That is the opposite of agreeing that each person has their own preferences.[/quote]
I really don't know what your problem is . I do see though that you are snappy with another poster on here too so maybe you are having a bad day .

*You asked me why I didn't want to do singles group holidays and I told you .

No, you told me what you didn’t like about package or organised holidays, not singles holidays*

YES- I DID TELL YOU MY FRIEND'S EXPERIENCE OF THE 5 OR SO SINGLES HOLIDAYS SHE HAS GONE ON . MAYBE YOU DO DIFFERENT ONES WITH NO TRIPS OR TRAVELLING . I DID NOT SAY THAT PEOPLE WHO GO ON GROUP HOLIDAYS CANNOT TRAVEL ON THEIR OWN - I DID SAY IT ABOUT MY FRIEND .

Geez woman get a grip . I hope your attitude is better on your singles holidays .

Support to you OP. I feel exposed because I live in a medium sized town & you get familiar with folk who are always alone. So I feel the same about myself. But I'm trying to get back into doing what the hell I like as don't have mates at this point in my life, so it's either stay home, urgh, or just go with the feeling but live my life gigging, holidaying, everything. I think I feel more of an obvious loner as well because that's the role I've been allocated by family members. So it's all about perception & being aware not to project too much!
And random interactions and Hi's are a lot better for mental health than staying in!

Well said @lastnightthemooncame, there’s a lot of small pleasures to be found in friendly interactions with strangers and trips away from home, even if it’s to a nearby town. I got a lot of pleasure from a day trip to Oxford last week, just the change of scene.

I went to Oxford last week, too.

I've been single most of my life, now late 40s. I've travelled half the world by myself. I had a short break in Dorset this summer just so I could go rockpooling. Today, I had lunch alone in a cafe. I don't know if anyone saw me and thought me weird, but if they did, that's their problem, not mine. If I waited for other people to do things with, I'd just never do anything. So I don't, I go out and do it alone.

Haven’t read the full thread but have you heard of the ‘wild wanderers, group? It’s U.K. wide and women just getting together to get outdoors, haven’t had the courage yet but it all looks so lovely.

(this is assuming you WANT the company - I think doing it alone is perfectly fine if you’re happy to!)

I actually think lone women are less likely to look like a 'weirdo' than lone men...people are far less wary and suspicious of lone women.

What I do feel is intense loneliness and the pandemic has made this so much worse. I would love to have someone to go out for dinner with or for a spontaneous drink. I went out for drinks with colleagues the other night and they all brought their partners without telling me and to be honest, it felt very thoughtless and selfish....I felt like a right gooseberry sitting there with three couples being all touchy feely. I felt a weird mixture of pity that some people can't even go for an after work drink without dragging their partner along, and envy that they all had someone to go home with while I had to walk half an hour home alone in the dark. I suppose the safety thing is a concern for me...I hate having to go home alone at night. That's the one thing that really bothers me a lot.

@strawing I loved it! It was long but I was on the edge of my seat.
I was glad I was on my own because I didn't have to worry about whether somebody else was enjoying it. I was just engrossed in it.

You don't look like a weirdo, but I completely understand where you're coming from as a single childless woman in her 30s/40s I learnt to stay in at the weekend (I work for myself so can chose when I work).

I got a dog as well (not for this reason!) but actually he's great company and makes he feel less self-conscious that I'm the only person alone walking in the woods at the weekend for example.

But yeah, mostly I stay in during 'peak times' (my friends are unavailable then because they have children/partners/family close by).
It's ok, I've got introvert traits and I also date so I go out then. Or I book something like a massage/hair-cut/tennis lesson at the weekend so I am going out of the house, but for a 'solo' thing.
I also hate gardening in my front garden at the weekend - it's a busy road, lots of walking passers by at the weekend of the weather is good, and I feel like I look lonely working out there on my own - the village spinster!

But really what can you do? It is what it is and I don't feel lonely (I have good & close relationships friends/family/colleagues and I date nice guys, they just aren't permanent and never get past the casual dating stage, never ever get to the spending the weekend together stage) unless I look around and realise I'm the only one alone, so I avoid putting myself in that situation.

@IamGusFring from the perspective of feeling 'judged by strangers though' it's the same thing. They won't know whether you're single or not.
From the perspective of you realising you're the only solo person yes it's quite different. Depend though. Some thing I prefer doing alone (like the theatre, museums), some not (hiking, gigs).

FWIW I know quite a few partnered people who do stuff alone because their DP has different interests.

My parents always did their own things, as well as some things together, and I think it helped my mother cop better when Dad died. In contrast, my sister's PiLs did everything together, and when she died, the FiL didn't know what to do with himself, and my sister was unimpressed at his idea he would do everything with them instead.

I'm married now but still do stuff on my own. Walking, cinema if H doesn't want to go. I've eaten in restaurants on my own, spent a year travelling on my own and love rock pools too so would totally investigate them myself! I've sometimes felt a bit conspicuous or vulnerable and I hate people staring but it doesn't stop me. Don't care what others think, enjoy!

If it helps, I would think you look really
Cool and be envious of you op!

I understand though if you're single that you really have to make effort to socialise; wether jt be booking plans in advance with friends, clubs, finding a sociable gym etc. And you won't always feel like doing this.

Get a dog I am a single mum and have my kids 50% of the time, so the other 50% I spend just me and the dog. I love wandering by myself, we climb mountains together, walk at the coast (which definitely
Includes looking in rock pools) and go many places I take the kids, just me and the dog. I don’t think twice about whether I would look weird or not, I just do those things as they give me so much pleasure and make me feel alive (plus distract me from thinking about not having my kids around me).
Please go do those things that would give you joy! X

I'm single. I have kids but any opportunity to be on my own I do. I love my own company and would think nothing of looking in rock pools on my own. I'll happily just "be" in a cafe, on a beach, in a nice green space etc. When I'm out with my kids if I see a line person out and about I literally think nothing of it! Unless my kids are driving me round the bend then I may feel a touch of envy ha ha.

I just think you sound lonely. Rather than spend time on a mother’s website, I’d suggest you put effort into finding new friends who enjoy the types of activities you do. At different ages if our lives, we all lose and gain friends as our interests and lifestyles change. It’s not unusual to feel lonely. We all do sometimes. It’s how you action to respolvevutvthat will make all the difference. Good luck. You will get there with effort.

Gosh I understand this and I’ve got children. As a single mum I always feel on the periphery of life too. When I watch families or my children are off playing and I’m sat alone watching couples together. It’s a very lonely place to be. Couples don’t invite you with them (even more when you’ve children) plus you often can’t afford to do anything as your children take all your money .

I would say try to find others in a similar position- maybe single friends / colleagues etc and go do all you want to do ! Don’t watch life pass you by and have regrets later x

I think it's important how this makes YOU feel. I think it is wholly unimportant how anyone else feels about it.

Therefore, can I ask you to ask yourself this question:

How will YOU feel about this situation in ten years' time?

Better?
Worse?
Lonely?
Fulfilled?

I can identify with you, OP. A short while ago I embarked on a photographic project that necessitated going to all sorts of places on my own. That also meant I had to stay overnight in various hotels, eat on my own in pubs etc too. At the end of it I had travelled and walked over 2,000 miles - on my own.

At first, I thought "I can't do that" but once I started, I enjoyed it and even looked forward to it. After all, I can please myself - do what I want, when I want. I noticed that there were other people on their own too and people are always happy to chat, so it made for an interesting time.

I'll be booking to go away next year (carrying on with my photos) and I won't give being on my own a second thought, particularly as I know having someone with me would mean I wouldn't achieve half as much.

As others have said, it does help to have a purpose, such as a photo project, or perhaps some sort of personal research project. Set yourself some goals and try to stick to them, even if it's just going to 5 different beaches and looking in rock pools.

Good luck.

Don’t waste your life away worrying about strangers opinions.

I am a mum and my only luxury in life is getting time without the kids/husbands constant demands to myself. I love to walk/ shop/ eat by myself when I can.

Embrace your life and the make the most of your life without fear of judgement. Just be you.