Lone woman - weirdo?

[Fireatseaparks]

I'm a single woman without children (undecided but leaning heavily towards not having them as I've never felt 'the urge' or met anyone I could see myself having them with - of course that's assuming I have the choice at all, which I don't know having never tried).

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

My problem is this: I never noticed this when I was younger, but since my late twenties/early thirties, I've started to feel out of place going to cafes, wandering around markets etc. on my own, particularly at weekends when everyone seems to be part of a family.

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was one of me looking into a rock pool somewhere when I was about seven. I'd love to go and look in rock pools now, but I can't shake the feeling that a lone woman A) would look weird peering into rock pools by herself and B) I'd be scared of slipping or getting caught by the tide or something without anyone around to help.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

This feeling of being separate from society seems to be growing as I get older. There have been times when I've been sat at a table in a cafe at the weekend and I'm the ONLY one by myself in there. I feel like some sort of deviant, like I'm encroaching on other people's family space. I only go to cafes during the week now, when it's somehow more 'acceptable' and expected for people to be on their own.

I know this is my own problem and people probably don't really look at me and think 'is she alone, what a weirdo, why is she here' and even if they DID I shouldn't let it bother me. In other aspects of my life I'm confident and not overly bothered by opinions, but in this area, I can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I just sometimes feel like I'm a hanger-on on the outskirts of society. I know i need to get a grip and I appreciate if much rather be in this position than in an unhappy relationship or with children I can't cope with and I do count my blessings.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

To go alone on a holiday where you're instructed to have your bags ready by 6.00am, even that would be a step towards bravery if you haven't been away for over a decade. I'd do that happily with the intention of building my bravery incrementally, one holiday at a time.

I have never been on a group holiday. I always go solo or with DH and DC. I am open to trying it though.

@IamGusFring

Look - you were the one who picked me up on what I said to start with that I don't do singles group holidays !

I didn’t “pick you up”. I asked what it was about group holidays that you didn’t like, when you were happy to do other group activities with strangers, as long as they only lasted a day. It was just curiosity.

You asked me why I didn't want to do singles group holidays and I told you .

No, you told me what you didn’t like about package or organised holidays, not singles holidays.

I hate having a schedule imposed on me

And that is how you should have said it, instead of suggesting that someone who goes on a group holiday could not possibly cope with travelling on their own.

I don't know what your problem is Whatever happened to your "horses for courses" comment ?🙄

You sneered at group holiday “crap”. That is the opposite of agreeing that each person has their own preferences.

@IamGusFring

For all the married women on here - believe me it is a totally different thing you having your time away from someone, compared to someone who lives on their own all the time and going out on their own.

Exactly this. ^

I outlined something similar to this in an earlier post.

@IamGusFring

Posted too soon!

I was going to say, I agree that popping off out on your own, when you are married, (shopping, or for a coffee or pub lunch, or even holidaying on your own,) is COMPLETELY different to being alone when it's not-by-choice.

You are not the only person who feels like that.I actually believe,there are many people who feel the same.have you thought of getting a pet?pets can be the very best of friends,never letting you down,never judging you,never shouting at you and critizise you.

The most lonely people are often surrounded by people.

I too love rockpools. I also love insects. I recently stood next to a gate watching a wasp cutting up a bee in a spiders web. I could see the spider watching too.

Leisure (1911) W.H. Davies

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?

I’m a lone parent, and absolutely relish my alone time. I tend to do massive solitary walks on Dartmoor (so far haven’t broken my ankle somewhere remote and been eaten by buzzards, but even the most remote paths tend to have a couple of people walking g them every day, or failing that hopefully I’d be within mobile signal 😬)

For holidays, I find Air B’n’B a godsend- the original set up where you stay in a spare room in someone’s house. That way you get a friendly host to chat to.

I'm single, with a cat, mid thirties. I've been going rockpooling, wildlife watching, going for dinner alone for years. It gets easier after you've done it once or twice! Bringing binoculars and a book can help. Do keep in mind that countryside last orders for dinner are about 7/7:30 so don't rockpool until sunset in summer! But do you really want to spend the rest of your life not going wherever you fancy?

Best recent rockpool find was a little dead shark... Maybe I am a weirdo

This is an interesting thread actually.

I’m now on my own albeit with 1 teen and a pre teen and I am facing the fact that I have to get used to doing things on my own and I’m now in my mid 40s, I didn’t choose to be, I’d give anything to listen to my husband harping on about football.
I think I’d need to start small, cafe on my own etc. there’s absolutely nothing to do in my small crappy town so I’d have to travel further afield to visit things
It’s making that leap isn’t it?

There are so many of these threads, I find them increasingly depressing.
I am long term single, I understand completely that its scary to do new things on your own, but the idea that a woman is weird for being on their own is just beyond words for me.
Its not helped by other women - wear a wedding ring so on the off chance that other people, let alone a busy waitress in a cafe, has the time to scan your hand, see a ring to place you in the correct category, married, just out for a bit of peace and quiet, therefore status Not Weird, or ringless poor sad spinster I must be extra nice to her.
Get a cat - how does that help when you want to go out to a gig?
alternate cafes so no one finds out your guilty sercret.
I go to two cafes regularly, they are nice to me because I am a regular and spend loads of money, and because I'm nice to them.
No I don't want to go to a gig and sit for two hours on my own waiting for it to start, so I don't. If I know the band won't be on till 9, I arrive at 8.30, not when the doors open at 7.
A for the gym - is that really a couples activity ? My gym is full of women on their own, I wouldnt have the foggiset if they are single or not.
I get that being single can be lonely at times but we have to get away from this idea that a single woman is a loser or weird

GetTheFlockOutOfHere That's an odd way of looking at it . Why would you feel sorry for me preferring my trips away alone to those with my DH? I love my trips away with DH too, but it's a different experience when I'm on my own. Those trips are entirely about me and I love not having to consider anyone else or compromise when I'm there.

Half the time parents will be looking at you on your own thinking ‘god I envy her freedom’.

Do whatever you want and go wherever you want.

You're still young and healthy enough to do exactly what you want to do OP so don't let self-consciousness hold you back - none of us know what the future holds, so take a deep breath and get on with it while you can. Society is changing and we're lucky to be alive in a time where women can have independence and not obliged to follow the path that most women of previous generations had little choice about.

I do get what being on the outside can feel like and it takes a little courage to take those first steps. I'm single now and friends are either too busy or not interested in the same things so pre-covid I had started doing quite a few solo trips - it was either that or stay home and came across many other women (and men) of all ages doing the same. Most people I've met along the way, solos or couples/families, have been nice anyway but doing something that really interests you makes you less aware of any folk that might look your way (I'm an astronomy geek so Keanu Reeves could be stood gazing lovingly at me hopefully one day when I'm staring at the skies watching for the Northern Lights and I'd be none the wiser!).

Closer to home I've had an inkling for alpaca walking for ages but convinced it would be all families with kids but recently booked on the spur of the moment and the mixed group walk turned out to be all adult women - 2 separate small groups of friends and just me but everyone was so interested in learning about and leading their alpaca it didn't feel odd and was the best little treat.

Good luck and come back and tell us of any exciting finds in your rock-pools or scary rocks you conquer!

@mnhq - maybe we could have a solo travels tab on the travel board?

I have been on holiday in my own too and that seems to really freak some people out... like they can't cope with it and just find it all far too odd. It's a stigma to be alone and female. Like you're a spinster. I don't know if men have the same experience when single really. Far more acceptable for them.

Before I last went on holiday, I did get a lot of this:
"Who are you going with?"
"Me"
"What? On your own!"

There is nothing wrong with enjoying one's own company (never need to compromise, I can do as I please). Also no one to whinge that -10°C is a silly temperature to go camping in.

That said, the evenings were a little lonely at times and I'd have liked to eat a meal or go for a drink with someone - not even as a prospective romance, just someone to socialise with.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

I must confess I'm mystified as to why you think you'd be out of place in this scenario?

I'm a childfree woman who lives in a national park and I frequently go out walking on my own. I stand on rocks, explore footpaths etc. No-one has ever looked at me as though I'm a weirdo!

The fact is, other people are much less interested in you than you think. Provided you aren't doing anything genuinely mad, no-one will look at you twice, no-one will care why you are there. Plenty of people visit nice places on their own, so you won't stand out.

Go stand on some rocks, explore some rock pools!

God I went alpaca walking with my friend it was quite disastrous the alpacas did NOT want to be “walked”! My friends one nipped her then ran off and disappeared over the horizon. Can’t remember last time I laughed so much!

Do whatever makes you happy x
I wouldn't even notice you were on your own.

Your point is actually really interesting op. Thinking back to my early twenties when I was single and lived alone... during the day, I never did anything except the gym and shopping. Both activities which are usual for people to do alone. It wouldn't have occurred to me to visit places or eat out... looking back, I think you're right,I think society sort of conditions us to need other people to accompany us.

Anyway, do what you want

Op just to let you know that what you're feeling isn't unanimous to being on your own, and to give you a perspective from the other side.
.
I often feel like such a spectacle when out eating with dh and our 2 young dc. I feel we are disturbing those who are quiet and on their own reading or whatnot and it makes me so conscious of it! I often feel jealous of the lady with the book sipping her hot tea and eating her meal warm in peace, while i scrape some unidentified slop from ds2's highchair and am handed something spat out by the other one! My meal is often tepid and very unappetising by the time i managed tp inhale it!

Am a single chap in my 50s and can assure you all I get plenty of quizzical glances, nasty comments and leading questions as a result. But I often look at my friends, both male and female, making huge sacrifices for their ungrateful partners and families, and am relieved not to have to go through that. It was worst in my 30s but now the shine has come off quite a few marriages and I'm more confident in myself, so bothers me less.
OP, be proud of your choices, own them and remember that most people are far too absorbed in their own lives to worry about what you're doing with yours. Jump into those rock pools and embrace the rest of life - nobody will mind and no-one else can do it for you!

@MsTSwift - that sounds the opposite of our walk and I wouldn't fancy being nipped by those teeth! Our alpacas trotted along happily but at their own pace which was pretty slow but it was very relaxing, almost like mobile meditation as we all rambled along slowly with the alpacas humming to themselves

I am one of those people who stop to smell flowers @mumda. If i was walking with someone, they have usually left me by that point! I went to Shakespeares House in September and spent so much time admiring flowers my mum and DBro had moved on ahead to the gift shop and were already paying for their goods by the time I came in! I would defo watch insects doing crazy insect stuff too.

@DdraigGoch, where did you go that was -10? I'm planning on heading to the Arctic alone next summer - it won't be nearly that cold but still the chilliest place I've ever camped!

It would literally never even occur to me to feel self-conscious about going to a cafe or market on my own - I see people do it all the time Fancy restaurants and bars I can understand more, but honestly once you've done it a few times you realise no-one actually cares.

I think you should go anywhere you want to go OP! The kind of people who think that people on their own are ‘weirdos’ are not the kind of people whose opinion you should care about.