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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lone woman - weirdo?

312 replies

Fireatseaparks · 04/12/2021 02:44

I'm a single woman without children (undecided but leaning heavily towards not having them as I've never felt 'the urge' or met anyone I could see myself having them with - of course that's assuming I have the choice at all, which I don't know having never tried).

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

My problem is this: I never noticed this when I was younger, but since my late twenties/early thirties, I've started to feel out of place going to cafes, wandering around markets etc. on my own, particularly at weekends when everyone seems to be part of a family.

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was one of me looking into a rock pool somewhere when I was about seven. I'd love to go and look in rock pools now, but I can't shake the feeling that a lone woman A) would look weird peering into rock pools by herself and B) I'd be scared of slipping or getting caught by the tide or something without anyone around to help.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

This feeling of being separate from society seems to be growing as I get older. There have been times when I've been sat at a table in a cafe at the weekend and I'm the ONLY one by myself in there. I feel like some sort of deviant, like I'm encroaching on other people's family space. I only go to cafes during the week now, when it's somehow more 'acceptable' and expected for people to be on their own.

I know this is my own problem and people probably don't really look at me and think 'is she alone, what a weirdo, why is she here' and even if they DID I shouldn't let it bother me. In other aspects of my life I'm confident and not overly bothered by opinions, but in this area, I can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I just sometimes feel like I'm a hanger-on on the outskirts of society. I know i need to get a grip and I appreciate if much rather be in this position than in an unhappy relationship or with children I can't cope with and I do count my blessings.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

OP posts:

bowlingalleyblues · 05/12/2021 17:45

Do you feel lonely? I have a partner and kids but sometimes feel lonely and like everything social needs to be prearranged.

Rhannion · 05/12/2021 17:47

You are not weird in any way op.

DoubleTweenQueen · 05/12/2021 17:49

@Fireatseaparks I used to do stuff by myself when I was early 20s and can empathise that it feels out of place, but I made myself do it and found ways of making it work for me. (I liked going to the cheap seats at the opera and none of my friends were keen). If I went to a restaurant on my own I would take something to occupy myself with, but would also enjoy people-watching. Galleries were also nice on my own as could linger and go wherever I wanted, same for shopping and walking around cities.
I think it takes confidence and not caring what others might think, after all there is nothing wrong in the slightest about doing things on your own.

You could also look at singles activity/friendship groups and clubs to get involved in where you may find likeminded single friends to do stuff with, who also don’t have families to busy themselves with.

As a mum, I would love a single friend to go and do something with now and then, to be honest!

DTQ x

ilovesushi · 05/12/2021 17:50

Just do the things you want to and enjoy them! No one is going to judge you. I am married and have children but while they are busy doing their Saturday morning activities I love having alone time. I sometimes go for a walk along the beach or cliff top, or to a cafe to read a book, or for a look around the shops. I really really enjoy the space and have never felt weird about it or felt that anyone else thought I was weird.

DoubleTweenQueen · 05/12/2021 17:53

@Fireatseaparks And you are not in the least bit odd, certainly nowhere near weird.
I’m sure many would be envious of your freedom.

S2617 · 05/12/2021 17:55

Never let anyone stop you from doing something you want to (legal stuff only of course).

Society has gone mad with all this he/she/they/it nonsense and making people feel social media is the big judge in life. It’s all a load of rubbish.

Enjoy your life freely.

Newbabynewhouse · 05/12/2021 17:55

I have felt like this too but i was younger.. mid-late twenties.. didn't have kids at the time and not many friends, I'd want to go to the beach and walk along the shore but felt people would think i was weird or for a walk in the park...i always thought 'if i had a dog I'd look acceptable' ... truth is most people wont think youre weird but there probably will be the odd few that snigger but who cares really? Just do it, you only live once .. or get a dog lol

winnieanddaisy · 05/12/2021 17:58

Have you thought about joining a walking group . I have a friend who is in a group and she goes on great days out and holidays with them . They go to Scotland , The Lake District, The Peak District and lots of other beautiful places . I'm sure that you would get to see plenty of rock pools etc.
Everyone is very friendly and I'm sure that you would be made welcome.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 05/12/2021 18:00

Yes it can be incredibly difficult. You are an outlier. We are social creatures and mostly spend our time in groups, so it’s quite tough mentally to have to spend so much time leisure wise on our own. It’s not just thinking about what others think, it’s just psychologically harder.

So don’t beat yourself up. You don’t need to get over yourself or anything, it’s just harder than others.

Having said that. I’ve spent years as a single parent/person, and just had to make the most of it. Otherwise I would have spent my life miserably. And I’d say I’ve had a really interesting life because of being on my own. I’ve done so many things that my married friends wouldn’t even dream of doing. They’ve lost their bravery, and honestly I think I’m a much more multi-dimensional person because of it.

Mirw · 05/12/2021 18:05

I am envious of you. Why? I rarely get any time to myself and really want it. The number of times I have had to cancel my me time - out for coffee, to the pub, for a walk - because family get in the way. The only place I get time to myself is at my allotment, except other plotters will not leave me alone. Sometimes, shilutting the fate, putting on a hat and taking my hearing aids out works but not often. I would love the freedom to go on holiday by myself.

Enjoy your freedom. Plenty women would love to be where you are. Make your bucket list. There are groups you can join to go in holiday to places that it might not be safe for women on their own. But there are plenty places where you can go on your own.

jamdonut · 05/12/2021 18:05

Just wanted to say that I don’t think I know anyone who ‘felt the urge’ to have children; that includes me, and I have 3 ( all grown up now.) I honestly thought I didn’t have a maternal bone in my body and the thought filled me with dread…until I found myself accidentally pregnant - then things changed somehow.
Maybe you are subliminally wanting to pass on the joy and wonder you found with rock pools etc to as yet unthought of offspring? It’s a possibility.
After having 1 child, when I found myself ( unplanned) pregnant again, I didn’t think there was any way I could possibly love another one as much as my first…. But I did.
As for my third- He was a complete and utter surprise….to this day, I don’t remember making him! - and now they are all grown up and my pride and joy.

Never say never.

Suja1 · 05/12/2021 18:08

Even worse when you are older as people think you are a batty old woman. Wouldn't stop me from looking at rock pools on my own - I'd even take a bucket and spade! The only time I do find it difficult is if I feel vulnerable. Recently, on a weekday morning, I went to some woods which I'm unfamiliar with. It was virtually empty except for the occasional dog walker. I felt nervous so left. It's at times like these that I'd like to be with someone else.

TheRemotePart · 05/12/2021 18:10

Haha OP I know exactly that feeling!
I used to say to DH “ we look like child/dog snatchers” if we went any “family “ places , as we had neither!

Ddot · 05/12/2021 18:10

Dont be afraid I'm used to it now but really appreciate the mobile phone. I used to take a book with me so I wouldnt get bothered by men but now I'm oldish I dont bother, men don't notice me anymore. If I want to do something I just do it.

Vynalbob · 05/12/2021 18:11

Occasionally people have these out of place thoughts (bit like imposter syndrome but in leisure time). Cure, in my opinion (experience) is to actively ignore it or better imagine it to be a fun sucking annoying goblin and tell it to get F.... g Stuffed (maybe to yourself though- although I've occasionally said it out loud).

Go forth and enjoy, hardly anyone is sad enough to judge.

Alexbob · 05/12/2021 18:15

Go look in the rock pools and stand on the top of hills and enjoy it! I don't think it's weird at all - if I see another lone woman looking in rock pools or standing on a hill, all I'm likely to think is "there's a kindred spirit".

FWIW I'm married with a kid now but have always been a bit of a loner and actually miss just pottering about on my own. Doing stuff on my own is a treat now. Few things make me happier than a bit of time on my own up a hill or just staring at a bird or a seashell or something.

cherish123 · 05/12/2021 18:22

I am married with DC but often have lunch out alone. I do enjoy it. Normally it's fine but recently I told the waitress I was dining alone and she said, "really!"

vodkacat · 05/12/2021 18:30

@Fireatseaparks

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

I’m a single parent, have been for many years, when I first became that I felt the same about being a single parent- eventually I embraced it and thought it was better than the family’s arguing! Child is a Teenager now so now I go places alone.
If I seem you alone doing the things you mentioned I would think look at her living her best life! I would probably chat to you.

Somersetlady · 05/12/2021 18:32

I love to do things on my own and get away from my family

Regularly go away with just my horse and never notice anyone behaving oddly to me

When working away do all sights/ museums etc alone and love it

Have even been to see shows on Broadway solo.

Stop thinking about it and enjoy the moment

Doomscrolling · 05/12/2021 18:35

I never see solitary women as weirdos or strangfe for being out in public! Go have fun and live your best life, OP!

Now my children are older they aren't interested in rock pooling but I still love it. They leave me to it and go to the funfair and arcades while I'm there with my phone and wildlife book taking photos and trying to identify what I find.

I go to the cinema on my own, and the theatre. I often meet other women and we'llk chat over a drink but if not, I enjoy doing my own thing. I accepted that my family and I have diverse interests and not one of us sholuld be dissuaded from persuing them just because it doesn't appeal to the others.

For the hiking/national parks, there are loads of walking groups etc where people go to these places together.

CambsAlways · 05/12/2021 18:35

If I felt like you are feeling op, I would not hesitate on doing all the things you would love to do, and what’s more I certainly wouldn’t be concerned how it would look to others. Simply as what other people think doesn’t bother me in the least, I don’t live my life wondering what other people would think it never enters my head, also there’s not law in not wanting to have children, you do what you feel is right for you love, and good luck x

SallyWD · 05/12/2021 18:38

I understand why you feel like that. Our society places a lot of emphasis on families and couples - as if this is what people should aspire to. However, I really don't think it's odd to do things by yourself. I've always loved time alone. I go to the cinema restaurants, gigs, cafes, parks etc by myself. I often walk in the beach by myself or drive to beauty spots. It's normal and natural for me. By the way, I do have a family but love time alone! I see lots of people do similar things on their own. It's not weird.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 18:42

Why don’t you try and get a boyfriend? You don’t need to have kids.

SequinsandStiIettos · 05/12/2021 18:44

Hi OP
I know exactly what you mean and felt it when I was younger - came from the ''billy-no-mates'' trope, being self-conscious and feeling lonely/let down/unpopular/without a tribe.
I think the beauty of ageing is that it is absolutely freeing in that I know full well I am now invisible to everybody, I probably always was as others have got their own things to worry about and that I no longer have any fucks to give.
I would eat a meal on my own, go to the theatre or cinema alone and go to a gig alone without a second thought now. Make sure I had my phone/something to read in an interval but wouldn't feel like I did in my younger days.
I would also (had I not got caring responsibilities) think nothing of joining a water aerobics class, an evening course or hiking group. Meet and talk to others within that context for as long as I attended. See what came from it but happy just to be.
I am now happy with myself and happy just being. The only thing that irks is the Xmas ads with all these family-friend laden tables but I am also pragmatic and know that those and all the beautifully curated social media entries don't always reflect reality.
Make 2022 your year. Do things for you. Nobody is giving us more than a passing thought, honest, and often not even that.

notafriggingain · 05/12/2021 18:47

Take it from someone who almost died this year... go stare at rock pools do whatever the hell you want and enjoy every second of it!

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