Lone woman - weirdo?

[Fireatseaparks]

I'm a single woman without children (undecided but leaning heavily towards not having them as I've never felt 'the urge' or met anyone I could see myself having them with - of course that's assuming I have the choice at all, which I don't know having never tried).

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

My problem is this: I never noticed this when I was younger, but since my late twenties/early thirties, I've started to feel out of place going to cafes, wandering around markets etc. on my own, particularly at weekends when everyone seems to be part of a family.

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was one of me looking into a rock pool somewhere when I was about seven. I'd love to go and look in rock pools now, but I can't shake the feeling that a lone woman A) would look weird peering into rock pools by herself and B) I'd be scared of slipping or getting caught by the tide or something without anyone around to help.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

This feeling of being separate from society seems to be growing as I get older. There have been times when I've been sat at a table in a cafe at the weekend and I'm the ONLY one by myself in there. I feel like some sort of deviant, like I'm encroaching on other people's family space. I only go to cafes during the week now, when it's somehow more 'acceptable' and expected for people to be on their own.

I know this is my own problem and people probably don't really look at me and think 'is she alone, what a weirdo, why is she here' and even if they DID I shouldn't let it bother me. In other aspects of my life I'm confident and not overly bothered by opinions, but in this area, I can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I just sometimes feel like I'm a hanger-on on the outskirts of society. I know i need to get a grip and I appreciate if much rather be in this position than in an unhappy relationship or with children I can't cope with and I do count my blessings.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

I love running and walking/ hiking alone. A few years ago I joined a hiking club but didn't like the constant small talk and chat, missing out on the beautiful scenery. I'm back to hiking alone now and I prefer it.

You know, you can just do this all - it really doesn’t matter what other people think (if anyone even does think this). If you do want to feel not alone - I can recommend a dog. A big one what will love these adventures :-)

I feel the same at times my family has grown and left now im alone and like to go out and about im thinkin next year taking holidays by myself sad it may seems but ill enjoy myself

Please go and do those things and don’t worry about how you look!
I have a partner who lives far from me and two children, in the few times I am child free, I love my own company and I often go to the cinema, on a long hike, sit on the beach, take selfies at the top of big hills (sometimes there are rocks!) take myself to the zoo, anything that takes my fancy. Sometimes I do things with my kids and then return to do them alone to get more out of them, kids have a tendency to rush!! I’ve never even considered wether I look like a weird female doh f them alone and you shouldn’t either!

You say you are afraid you’d fall into the rock pool, it sounds like you might have a bit of anxiety. Maybe talk to someone in relation to this.

I have a partner and a child but I frequently go for walks or to the cafe on my own for a break or some me time!! It honestly didn’t even occur to me I should feel weird about doing this. Probably because I’m around my family so much that any me time is seen as a genuine luxury, not something to be self conscious of!

@Mediumred

Please go and look in the rock pool and stand on the big stone, you deserve to have your space and freedom just as much as any family and don’t feel constrained by society’s expectations (which I don’t think society does want you to hide away but we can sometimes feel like that).

100%

I feel really sad reading your post, you have no reason whatsoever to feel like a weirdo or loner. It's awful that society can make you feel like that.

In my experience, 99% of people are way too wrapped up in their own lives to notice other peoples situations, let alone care. I would be the busy mum in the cafe, but I'd be dreaming of your chance to sit there alone and quiet with a book and a nice coffee, no one else to put first!

It is a great thing to be alone and strong and living the life you want. Just keep focused on what makes you happy and do that. Please try not to worry about other peoples opinions. You can't please all the people all the time, our life is our own to enjoy.

I really doubt anyone would really notice that you're alone! And if they did they certainly wouldn't think it weird.
I go loads of places alone, especially at this time of year when DP is working seven days a week. I don't think twice about it and can't imagine anyone else does either.

I went travelling once alone. It was a bit awkard and tricky t first, I'll be honest, I felt odd being in restaurants etc alone. (Take a book). And I did get some people having odd reactions (pity/approaches from men). But after a few days I got very used to it and loved the freedom. I also met people I don't think I would have had I been in a group. Takes a bit of bravery, but it was a great experience.

Rough Guides used to do a 'women travel' book that was lots of accounts of solo women travellers.

When my kids were young, literally the best thing I could think of was to be able to sit in a cafe and read a book by myself. I used to fantasise about it constantly. Most people aren’t thinking about others, they’re wrapped up in their own everyday stuff. Do what makes you happy and remember that all those family groups and couples have all sorts of things going on beneath the surface in their lives. Some of them are looking at you in envy.

Hi! I'm in a relationship but I also enjoy going to places on my own, especially cafes and parks! Maybe I'm the odd one out here, but when I see someone hanging out on their own with a book or their music or whatever else they're doing, in the park or in a restaurant, I think 'this person knows how to have fun', maybe because nothing screams self-love to me like a woman lying on the grass by herself with a cup of coffee and a book.

If safety is a concern though, that I understand and maybe if you're going somewhere where you might be by yourself (no other people around) in potential danger of harm, maybe that's somewhere you could go with a group of people or a friend.

When you are sat alone in the cafe I bet 50% of the stressed out mums envy you.
I'm now a nana and 50 years old. I always go and look in rock pools even when I am on my own. I also love chatting to little children if there are any about - to find out what they can see in the pool. I always used to explore them with my dad when he was small and it brings back lovely memories. I really care less and less what people think of me. I look 'normal' but I don't feel normal. Be special and dare to be different- you'll discover you're quite 'normal' xx

Well this is an interesting thread
I’m married with 4 children
And I’m often alone at weekends ,I’m starting to hate them,I never know what to do with myself
Husband works ,kids are adults and teens ,so not interested in spending time with mother .
Hoping to get some good ideas of here x

I've a friend who is in a not living together but very long term relationship. She's a wildlife expert. Always going out rock pooling and pond dipping, trawling rivers etc. OK. A lot of it is her work. BUT she runs sessions aimed at but not exclusively for adult learners. She joins local bat walks, she leads badger watches. A few charities (wildlife trust, rspb etc) run stuff that might interest you.

(sorry they have no kids but are always off adventuring anyway). I say go for it. Join adult learning if you need a group. Do an OU course for 'cover' o'r just get some books and give it a go

I’ve travelled alone and done all kinds of things on my own like going to the cinema or a cafe and always have. It’s never really crossed my mind that people would judge me for this. On what basis?

Once I crossed America on an Amtrak double decker train. There was capacity for 28 people to dine per sitting in the dining car, 7 tables of 4. The guard would come along and tell you when your allocated slot was and which table you were on. So each meal I would be sitting with 3 strangers. It was great fun! The scenery was amazing 🤩

I wish my son would hurry up and grow up so I could get back to it all 😁

If I saw you looking in a rock pool op I’d assume you were a scientist or naturalist or something cool like that.

I think, in terms of worrying about something happening when out on your own, that many women feel like that nowadays out alone wether they are single or not.

I’ve always enjoyed walking alone in nature but always at the back of my mind I am staying aware of my surroundings incase I need to make a quick escape. It’s just as bad if not worse in a town/city situation. We can’t let the what ifs stop us living our lives.

Definitely go out and explore and go to all the places you would like to visit.

What you need to do is stop thinking, start doing! You really are over thinking .. let me tell you as a mum, when I look at single people on their own doing fun things I think how lucky they are and they always look so content too. No stressing about the kids and free to do what they like, especially eating in cafes!! Restaurants or anywhere that is stressful with children.

Iv never once looked at a single woman and thought what a weirdo never even once.
I mean you could have kids and be enjoying a break, or at work or anything.

Never stop yourself doing anything because of what anyone else might think, who cares what people think?

@CherryBlossomAutumn
We are social creatures and mostly spend our time in groups, so it’s quite tough mentally to have to spend so much time leisure wise on our own. It’s not just thinking about what others think, it’s just psychologically harder.

Not it isn't! What's hard is spending 10 hours trying to persuade your grumpy DH that going out would be fun. By the time he agrees, it's been so much effort it's zapped all the enjoyment out of it!

Then there's the disagreements when you get there. 'Shall we go and look at this? No, I just want to see that' and talking all through something you want to hear/read. Then there's, 'I want a cup of tea, a pint, something to eat' ... etc when you haven't even seen half of what you want to see.

Frankly, it's bliss to go and do stuff on my own nowadays, which I do regularly. I've never considered other people's perspectives of me. And I don't care what they're thinking as long as they keep it to themselves.

Get it done - do it - go on !!!

How exciting that there’s all these adventures just waiting for you to go on, truth is if you had children you wouldn’t have time or energy and if you did you’d be worried about them being safe - a partner or another adult with you wouldn’t save you - you’re a grown ass woman you can do this !!!
You pay the same price for your coffee and stollen cake as everyone else you have every right to occupy a seat and have a life !! Nobody is looking at you and thinking you’re weird, nobody thinks you’re on the outskirts of society - only you!!

Before Corona, I traveled quite a bit for work. Most of the time I was traveling alone, or when I was traveling with other people we'd have different comitments and our schedules would not line up to do too many activities together.
I am so used to shopping, sightseeing and running errands by myself. Occasionally I take a break, I hit a cafe for a coffee and to check my messages.
I like doing things with other people, but I also like doing things alone. Certain activities I prefer to do alone, such a visiting a museum, because unless you both like the same exhibits as much, you will end up rushing each other through the bits the other find intereesting.

Doing things by yourself allows you to set the pace and to have complete freedom of choice.

I like hiking by myself too and I have at times wondered what would happen if I slipped off a rock or fell in a ravine. I am still glad I did it, despite the risk. Yes, I could end up another news post as "Female hiker's body found after being missing for several days." I'd still much rather take that risk than not live my life. As for people finding it weird? F*ck them. Would should you care? If you were so worried about other people's opinions you would have gotten married and had kids, despite being against it.

I wouldn't see a lone woman enjoying her leisure time as a weirdo.

But if it would help then you can imagine that people are actually looking at you and envying the freedom and peace you have. Or they imagine you are on some creative endevour.

Think of writers, artists, poets, photographers - all creatives tend to create their art alone.

You're not a lone weirdo - your an artist working on your latest project.

Please stop suggesting we all get dogs!

In my particular case, we're not allowed pets where I live, and in any case when people who live alone are out at work all day it would be cruel to get one. Incidentally I did join borrowmydoggy but the nearest one to me in the time I was on there was four miles away and I don't drive [and most people on there are looking for dogsitters while they're at work].

If anyone can come up with a way of saving one's seat when going to the toilet in a cinema/cafe/pub/wherever then please share.

If anyone can come up with a way of saving one's seat when going to the toilet in a cinema/cafe/pub/wherever then please share. grin

Yes! I try leaving a non valuable item on the chair but tend to come back to several people around my place and the best I can manage is an “excuse me” as I retrieve my item and move.