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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let him come anyway? (co-parenting dilemma)

106 replies

cadburyegg · 03/12/2021 12:52

For background H and I separated last year, we are reasonably amicable although my main issues with him are his sense of entitlement/lack of budgeting ability/him not seeing the children as his responsibility.

I booked a Christmas related activity back in September for the 4 of us, he said he would pay his share. He's just messaged me this morning saying he can't afford it so won't come.

I suspect this is is lack of ability to budget ( i know he is going out on dates etc so it's not like he is totally skint) but also obviously christmas is an expensive time and i know he will be genuinely gutted if he can't come as it's a tradition thing we've done every year for about 4 years now. I'm tempted to let him come anyway, i have already paid and i doubt i can get a refund for one ticket. BUT he has a history of taking advantage of me and i don't want to set a precedence. I am not totally skint and can afford to absorb the cost of his ticket.

WWYD?
YANBU - let him come, it's good for the kids, you can afford it
YABU - don't let him take the piss out of you, take someone else instead

OP posts:

viques · 03/12/2021 12:54

Would the children enjoy the activity more if he was there? If so I would suck it up but know better for next time.

Ijustreallywantacat · 03/12/2021 12:58

I think for the kids sake I'd let him come

Leeds2 · 03/12/2021 12:58

I would probably take a grandparent or friend instead. And give him a couple of days notice that you are going to do so, just in case he manages to find the money from somewhere when he realises that you aren’t going to fund him.

weemouse · 03/12/2021 12:59

If he's going out on dates and can't budget to do that one thing with his kids, then no, I wouldn't let him come.

He knew about this far enough in advance to have out the money aside. He just couldn't be arsed.

He has a history of entitlement, don't be his enabler.

Sally872 · 03/12/2021 13:00

Is it helpful to you if he comes?
Will the children be upset if he misses it?
Will he be likely to be helpful when you need something from him? (Change days or times etc)

If yes then let him come, if no then don't bother.

WhenSepEnds · 03/12/2021 13:03

@cadburyegg

I booked a Christmas related activity back in September for the 4 of us, he said he would pay his share. He's just messaged me this morning saying he can't afford it so won't come.

WWYD?
YANBU - let him come, it's good for the kids, you can afford it
YABU - don't let him take the piss out of you, take someone else instead

I wouldn't pay for him if he's going out on dates. That's not a budgeting issue, it's a priorities issue. I also think if you start doing that he will just keep doing it in future thinking you'll pay his share. I'd set the tone now that he pays his share or it will just come To be expected

Fidgetty · 03/12/2021 13:04

I wouldn't enable this man. I imagine you've had enough of that while married to him. I can't see how you doing so benefits the DC in the long run. I had a similar father and my mother always tried to cover for him for our sake but we knew what he was and I wish she hadn't. He didn't deserve her goodwill. Women always take the hit for these losers - they don't deserve it and it allows them to lie to themselves that they're good dads when they should feel the full ramifications of their actions - only then is there a remote possibility of change. If he's left out he might (should) feel bad and do better next year.

SlamLikeAGuitar · 03/12/2021 13:04

No.
If he can afford to go out on dates etc, then he can afford to go on one day out with his kids
I’d take a grandparent/aunt/uncle/friend instead.
Don’t enable this behaviour. Let him do it once and he will do it again and again.

Sunshineandflipflops · 03/12/2021 13:05

Next time, make him pay before you book his ticket. I would probably take a grandparent in his place unless my dc were going to be v upset by him not being there.

My ex is also crap with money - earns well but never has anything to show for it.

Babyghirl · 03/12/2021 13:05

@cadburyegg
I say you and the dc go without him, what happens next year if he with someone and does not go the tradition will then be broke so better of starting now as you mean to go on and getting the dc use to the fact mum and dad are no longer together so won't be doing things like that together no more.

Start your own tradition as a family of 3 and he can do the same with the dc on his own to.

Inertia · 03/12/2021 13:09

He's taking the piss.

He's spending money on his own fun and not prioritising the children. You need boundaries in place for the children as well as yourself.

I'd give the extra ticket to a friend or grandparent.

Justanothermam · 03/12/2021 13:09

OP, I could have written your post.

I am 2 years in and have got much tougher.

He did this not you. He didn't save the money to spend the day with his kids.

This is not on you. Its not down to you to now start paying for him to spend time with his own kids. He knows you already have the ticket so is just taking the piss out of you.

The kids really wont be worried about him, they will be too busy having a good time.

In my case it was time. Ex ran on his own schedule and expected every one to where to his really really poor time management. I had planned a day out with the kids to the beach in summer, Ex asked to come. I agreed. Whilst we were all sat waiting, with the car packed he texted and said he would be an hour late. I told him to meet us there (2 hour drive - he was really pissed off and didnt join us ) I brightly told the kids, dad was running late and might meet us there. They didnt ask for him once as they were too busy having a good time.

OP, your ex doesnt have to go for you all to have a good time. No way would I pay for this ticket

Fidgetty · 03/12/2021 13:14

Also if you start enabling him you'll end up in a pattern of it, so be prepared for your DC to lose some respect for you. I used to be infuriated with my mum for allowing my loser dad to walk all over her. She thought she was doing the right thing by keeping the peace but allowing yourself to be treated like rubbish in front of your DC is a terrible example to set.

Obviously as an adult/mother I gained some perspective and place the blame wholly at his feet, but for many years I thought she was a fool who was much too soft and that's not a nice way to see your mum.

FinallyHere · 03/12/2021 13:22

So he said he wanted to come and said he would cover his share.

Why isn't he paying half, so you share the cost of the DC?)

What he did was prioritised other things over your DC

Why should you enable him to behave poorly ?

I would take it as an opportunity to start new traditions without him. Doesn't sound as if he is that bothered, don't keep bailing him out.

WhatIsThisPlease · 03/12/2021 13:25

If the children want him there and it will add to their enjoyment of the day, let him come.

LittleMG · 03/12/2021 13:26

I think u should do what your kids would want, if they want dad take dad, if they would rather have a friend/relative take them. Tbh you sound like a great mum sure you’ll do the right thing.

SarahJeffers341 · 03/12/2021 13:35

Let him come if it makes the children happy. don't book anything including him again unless he pays up front!

TabithaTiger · 03/12/2021 13:36

I would let him come if the kids would want him to be there. I'm a soft touch though!

Sn0tnose · 03/12/2021 13:40

If he didn’t have a history of poor budgeting and he wasn’t paying to go on dates, then I’d probably let him come. But he is preferring to spend his money on complete strangers rather than his own children.

Also, he knew that you were booking the tickets, he would know that tickets to attractions aren’t sold on a ‘pay us when it’s convenient for you’ basis so he knows that you’ve already forked out for his ticket. He’s either banking on you swallowing the cost so he can spend his own money trying to get his leg over, or he’s saying ‘tough luck, I’m not paying you the money I owe you’

If you want to remain reasonably amicable, you can’t give him the opportunity to continue taking the piss. If you can’t get a refund, definitely invite someone else.

Gearedtoyou · 03/12/2021 13:41

My concern wouldn't be that he'd be "gutted" he should have thought of that when he was spending on whatever he spent it on, but if children are expecting him there I'd go with that.

Then start making some new traditions for your new family set up.

Returnoftheowl · 03/12/2021 13:42

He's got money for dates, but not his children? He's clearly expecting you to bale him out.
He's demonstrated where his priorities lie.

Santaischeckinglists · 03/12/2021 13:43

Covering up him being flakey won't help the dc in the long term.

Justanothermam · 03/12/2021 13:43

If he really wanted to go OP, he would have found that money or saved it.

This obviously isn't big deal for him

PicaK · 03/12/2021 13:47

Purely for the children I'd let him come. Suggest he books and pays next year.

EasyBreezy · 03/12/2021 13:48

To all those saying 'would the children like him there' of course they will...even if the parents get divorced/get new partners the kids will always want just their parents and them as they remember it before the split. Is it the right thing to do imo no. Dont give the kids false hope. Take someone who will appreciate it and you and the children.

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