To let him come anyway? (co-parenting dilemma)

[cadburyegg]

For background H and I separated last year, we are reasonably amicable although my main issues with him are his sense of entitlement/lack of budgeting ability/him not seeing the children as his responsibility.

I booked a Christmas related activity back in September for the 4 of us, he said he would pay his share. He's just messaged me this morning saying he can't afford it so won't come.

I suspect this is is lack of ability to budget ( i know he is going out on dates etc so it's not like he is totally skint) but also obviously christmas is an expensive time and i know he will be genuinely gutted if he can't come as it's a tradition thing we've done every year for about 4 years now. I'm tempted to let him come anyway, i have already paid and i doubt i can get a refund for one ticket. BUT he has a history of taking advantage of me and i don't want to set a precedence. I am not totally skint and can afford to absorb the cost of his ticket.

WWYD?
YANBU - let him come, it's good for the kids, you can afford it
YABU - don't let him take the piss out of you, take someone else instead

I also am not sure why this month is particularly expensive for him - he only has his parents to buy for, I sort all the Christmas presents for the kids

Stop bailing him out. You're split. He buys his own presents for his kids and anyone else. He really has done a number on you hasn't he...

I hope you enjoy your trip get your refund and don't let him spoil it! As for maintenance he pays today or you go to the cms... I'd probably got to the cms anyway as clearly he has 'more important' things to spend his money.on than his kids.

I checked my account last night and he'd paid me £10 instead of the usual £70 so I messaged again asking where the rest was. He finally messaged me back this morning saying he isn't in a good place and is struggling for money so can't give me any more at the moment.

I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling annoyed!! Fortunately I do not rely on maintenance from him to pay the bills.

Please go via CMS he isn't prioritising his DC and never will!

The I'm not in a good place card is to make you feel guilty. Don't be drawn in.

Is he working? Then he has money. If he isn't working does he still get paid. He has money. Has he had money for going out etc. He has money.

Just say that's fine you will start a claim Through the CMS. Child support isn't optional.

Don't let him guilt you into feeling bad. You priorities the children so why can't he?

@cadburyegg

I checked my account last night and he'd paid me £10 instead of the usual £70 so I messaged again asking where the rest was. He finally messaged me back this morning saying he isn't in a good place and is struggling for money so can't give me any more at the moment.

I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling annoyed!! Fortunately I do not rely on maintenance from him to pay the bills.

Don’t feel sorry one bit for him. Go through cms, youll be doing him a budgeting favour. It means he will be able to pay for his children and then have to cut back on less essential spending. He should feel much better about this, tell him you are doing him a favour so should help his mental health.

Don’t feel sorry for him. I don’t understand why you would. Someone who was genuinely struggling and upset about not being able to meet their obligations would have been upfront and honest Be sorry for your kids because they are missing out on treats, potential savings accounts etc because of their dad.
Go to cms. Get a refund on the ticket or give it to someone else.

@cadburyegg

I checked my account last night and he'd paid me £10 instead of the usual £70 so I messaged again asking where the rest was. He finally messaged me back this morning saying he isn't in a good place and is struggling for money so can't give me any more at the moment.

I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling annoyed!! Fortunately I do not rely on maintenance from him to pay the bills.

You reply immediately and say 'no, that's not how this works. That money is to food, clothe and house your children. It's not optional. They don't magically cost less because you're struggling. I don't have that luxury. You need to step up so they don't go without'

Also OP if you can't get your money back for the ticket, make it clear that he owes you the money regardless. He doesn't get to just not pay you back.

@Muchmorethan

No point being separated if you're going to continue doing wife work.

Everything I was thinking has been summed up perfectly by this poster.

You are separated, his problems are not yours. He is trying to make you feel sorry for him. You should feel more sorry for you and the kids that he is not prioritising. I mean £10 how far does he think that will go for them.

Tell him you can't get a refund, so he can come but will need to pay you back next payday.

I would get a refund or take someone else. Don’t enable him. And go through CMS for payments.

His self inflicted struggles are not your problem. Get a refund on the ticket. Go to CMS. Tell him the gifts are from you and he can get his own. What a waste of space.

You are separated so time to make new traditions & take a friend or relative instead. If you take him this year, he'll expect it ever year

@cadburyegg

I checked my account last night and he'd paid me £10 instead of the usual £70 so I messaged again asking where the rest was. He finally messaged me back this morning saying he isn't in a good place and is struggling for money so can't give me any more at the moment.

I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling annoyed!! Fortunately I do not rely on maintenance from him to pay the bills.

I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling annoyed!! Fortunately I do not rely on maintenance from him to pay the bills.

It's great you're not relying on the maintenance from him OP, but that's not the point. As their father, has a financial responsibility for his children and, currently, he's reneging on that. Why would you let him disrespect both you and his children? If he's short of money there's nothing stopping from getting a second job which will help him find his children appropriately. Plenty of people do.

Also I agree with other posters: that £10 towards the maintenance payment is an insult to your intelligence and your next step, I think, is CMS. Even if you don't really need it now, squirrel it away into an account for them for a time when finances might be tight, or towards their future/further education. Let them do the chasing.

And please don't feel sorry for him. You sound like a nice, conscientious person, who he's taking advantage of. Draw your boundaries and stick to them. 🌹

OP,

This is money for your daughter.

You should be ensuring he pays for his child whether he likes it or not.

Anyone having any sort of social life whilst not paying for their child is a Class A waster.

No more no less.

What on earth is the point of accepting maintenance snd then spending it on tix for him to spend time with his kids?

If he wanted to spend this time with them he could offer to pay later or whatever.

You can’t buy his love and involvement.

Take a grandparent or one of your siblings as aunt / uncle, or a godparent or whatever.

Or offer the ticket on a local Fb page.

I agree with other posters who say stop buying all the presents. Buy presents from you, let him sort one’s from him. Stop being responsible for him, he’s an adult, his problems aren’t yours.

@cadburyegg

I checked my account last night and he'd paid me £10 instead of the usual £70 so I messaged again asking where the rest was. He finally messaged me back this morning saying he isn't in a good place and is struggling for money so can't give me any more at the moment.

I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling annoyed!! Fortunately I do not rely on maintenance from him to pay the bills.

That money belongs to your DC!!

Go through CMS and stop enabling him.

You've split for a reason!

@Muchmorethan

No point being separated if you're going to continue doing wife work.

Absolutely!

@cadburyegg

I checked my account last night and he'd paid me £10 instead of the usual £70 so I messaged again asking where the rest was. He finally messaged me back this morning saying he isn't in a good place and is struggling for money so can't give me any more at the moment.

I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling annoyed!! Fortunately I do not rely on maintenance from him to pay the bills.

I agree with the poster who said new traditions.

He wants you to feel sorry for him but he is a grown up and us responsible for the choices he makes. His priority is not his Dd.

I would go to the cms.. simply to take any discussions about money out..He then can't try and use it as a weapon. He will build up arreas if he doesn't pay.

CMS for maintenance then.

If you unilaterally decided you were struggling and could only afford a tenner towards your children's support, who would house , feed and clothes the children?

He's spending your children's money on his own date nights. Don't feel sorry for him.

And let him organise his own presents for the kids. If you're still doing this stuff for him while divorced, you're still doing all the wifework but it's now costing you and your kids money to do it.

. Your not a couple, your not responsible for his financial issues. It’s the reason you left him but you haven’t stopped the same behaviours. Buying stuff for you to do together then being surprised he didn’t have the funds, buying joint presents. It’s time for you to stop this and accept your single. He is responsible for present buying from himself, you don’t need to do things together as it is confusing for the kids and he can’t afford it. He makes bad choices and that’s his responsibility to own. Stop enabling this shitty bloke

my main issues with him are his sense of entitlement/lack of budgeting ability/him not seeing the children as his responsibility.

So let me guess from this... you kicked him out because he spent all his money on himself/gambling/booze/partying/hobbies/friends and never had enough to give you for his share of the mortgage/rent/bills (because it was a gift from him - not something he was required to pay for in his mind so didn't matter). Or was it because he saw the children as your sole responsibility you took all the illness days off, organised all the birthday/chirstmas presents/events adding his name to the tag and he took all the credit, made sure they had someone at home for them from school whilst he swanned off to the pub of an evening without bothering to even let you know... Because HE needed a break, because HE works so hard... bless him!

I'm wondering what has changed on the split OP?

You need to go to the CMS if only to let him know that you are not playing these silly games any more and that he is responsible for himself and his own relationship with the children.

Dont feel sorry for him - he's playing you - get hold of that ANGRY! And them move on and set up your life with the kids without him!!

He should be paying half of the kids cost as well as his ticket. Cheeky fucker

If you give him a free ticket this year I think he'll keep on pulling the money excuse in future so I'd take soMeone else. Do you have a grandparent (of the kids) or friend who'd love to come with you?

I wouldn't continue to enable his behaviour. He's had plenty of notice, said yes, and chosen to spend his money elsewhere. He didn't give a crap about his kids feelings, why should you have to shore up his relationship with them for him.