To let him come anyway? (co-parenting dilemma)

[cadburyegg]

For background H and I separated last year, we are reasonably amicable although my main issues with him are his sense of entitlement/lack of budgeting ability/him not seeing the children as his responsibility.

I booked a Christmas related activity back in September for the 4 of us, he said he would pay his share. He's just messaged me this morning saying he can't afford it so won't come.

I suspect this is is lack of ability to budget ( i know he is going out on dates etc so it's not like he is totally skint) but also obviously christmas is an expensive time and i know he will be genuinely gutted if he can't come as it's a tradition thing we've done every year for about 4 years now. I'm tempted to let him come anyway, i have already paid and i doubt i can get a refund for one ticket. BUT he has a history of taking advantage of me and i don't want to set a precedence. I am not totally skint and can afford to absorb the cost of his ticket.

WWYD?
YANBU - let him come, it's good for the kids, you can afford it
YABU - don't let him take the piss out of you, take someone else instead

How much is it?

Personally I wouldn’t let him come. He’s known for months this is happening and chooses to spend money on dates rather than his kids as they are obviously not his priority

If you do it now he will expect it again

If he really wanted to come he would have put this first

We go out as a family twice a year, 4 years post-separation, for each of our dc's birthdays. We both go halves on the meal as they are both of our children. I wouldn't be paying my ex's share.

You shouldnt have bought the tickets without first getting his share. You know he isnt reliable and no doubt he expects you to still allow him to come.

Choice is yours but i wouldnt continue to enable this man to behave like this. Your children will probably have a great time anyway and you dont need to make it a big issue, daddy cant come but xxx is coming instead

If you let him come for free this time, it'll always be free. So it doesn't matter how much DC want him there or how useful he is on the trip. Unless you're happy to fund him forever, then there has to be a last time and there's no reason for it not to be last year's. Never pay for anything for him again without getting the money upfront.

I would let him know that you're going to ask someone else instead. When he realises you're not going to let him get away with not paying he might suddenly find he has the money.

@Leeds2

I would probably take a grandparent or friend instead. And give him a couple of days notice that you are going to do so, just in case he manages to find the money from somewhere when he realises that you aren’t going to fund him.

This

Definitely take someone else - a friend or relative, or maybe an extra child like a niece/nephew so the ticket isn’t wasted.

If you let him come, you're right to fear it will set a precedent. Moreover, how will it make you feel?

If your experience will be tainted by resentment of his encroachment and entitlement, don't let him come. Invite a family member or good friend instead and have fun!

If he wants these family outings and wants you to plan and book them, he needs to go halves up front in future. No tagging along with one ticket while you pay for yourself and the children.

Does he want to be a visitor in his children's lives or a parent?

I don’t agree with the posters saying let him go for your kids sake, because where is the line?

You’re essentially enabling him to not put them first and he won’t learn which will ultimately disappoint them more frequently.

Lay the boundary now- this is not ok ex. Your children should come first, you have disappointed them.

Set the tone for your kids now op, what their father is like.

Don’t be making it easy for him, it’ll only hurt them more in the long term.

If you let him come you’re just re-informing that he can behave this way.

Don’t let him come, take someone else or just go the three of you.

You may find that once you say ‘that’s a shame, oh well’, he’ll magically find the money.

“Hi. I can’t get the ticket refunded at this date so you will have to pay for it anyway. Add £10 per week onto your maintenance to cover it please and let me know what you’re doing”

I doubt the DC would bat an eyelid if you say daddy can't come this year because work blah blah, so granny/Aunty Anna is coming instead.

How do you know he is going on dates? Seems like you know too much about his life and are still pretty enmeshed.

Is there anyone else who can come? If he cared enough he would have made sure he had the money, he is manipulating you.

I'd respond that the tickets are already booked so he owes you the cash anyway.

Unless he comes up with the cash before the event however I'd take someone else or go just the 3 of you. He's taking the piss as I suspect he always has!

My dps split before I was 1.. They then had a very on /off amiable relationship.. For my 21 they agreed a joint gift. An expensive sound system (a hifi back then!) 2 weeks before my df decided he couldn't afford his share.. Dm had paid deposit so had to find the money. Df showed his true colours...
Don't allow your ex to sit in a pedestal. Ime it won't do your dc any good. Better they grow up accepting they have 1 decent dp and 1 flake.
When I was 25 df won big money. He dumped me and my dc. Assume at his dw's suggestion..
Better your dc know the real him now op..

I think it is rarely helpful for dc to spend lovely family time together of you aren't going to get back together as it gives confusing messages.

I'd take someone else - a grandparent maybe? The tradition will continue, just in a new form.

He is prioritising sex over his children. You would be a mug if you just let him off with this. He has to pay to come, end of.

But I also agree with @Stompythedinosaur. It's not going to help the dc if you keep doing things together as a family. They might think you'll get back together.

Teach your children that if someone is treating them badly then they have the right to set firm boundaries. I would not let him come.

He has form and will do this again and again. All while telling himself and the world what a great dad he is.

@SlamLikeAGuitar

No. If he can afford to go out on dates etc, then he can afford to go on one day out with his kids I’d take a grandparent/aunt/uncle/friend instead. Don’t enable this behaviour. Let him do it once and he will do it again and again.

This 100%

I would let him come but tell him it’s definitely a one off and I’d mean it.

@Leeds2

I would probably take a grandparent or friend instead. And give him a couple of days notice that you are going to do so, just in case he manages to find the money from somewhere when he realises that you aren’t going to fund him.

Yep.

I agree with the poster that said you need to tell him straight that the tickets (as he knows) were booked ages ago and are not refundable and as such whether chooses to attend or not he still owes you his contribution. Its not fair of him to expect you to absorb the cost for something he agreed and committed to then backed out of after he knows its booked and paid for, he's getting off lightly if you are only charging him for his own ticket and not half of the cost of the kids too since it was a’family’outing.

What everyone else said. Tell him you've given it to someone else.