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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let him come anyway? (co-parenting dilemma)

106 replies

cadburyegg · 03/12/2021 12:52

For background H and I separated last year, we are reasonably amicable although my main issues with him are his sense of entitlement/lack of budgeting ability/him not seeing the children as his responsibility.

I booked a Christmas related activity back in September for the 4 of us, he said he would pay his share. He's just messaged me this morning saying he can't afford it so won't come.

I suspect this is is lack of ability to budget ( i know he is going out on dates etc so it's not like he is totally skint) but also obviously christmas is an expensive time and i know he will be genuinely gutted if he can't come as it's a tradition thing we've done every year for about 4 years now. I'm tempted to let him come anyway, i have already paid and i doubt i can get a refund for one ticket. BUT he has a history of taking advantage of me and i don't want to set a precedence. I am not totally skint and can afford to absorb the cost of his ticket.

WWYD?
YANBU - let him come, it's good for the kids, you can afford it
YABU - don't let him take the piss out of you, take someone else instead

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 03/12/2021 20:26

Out of interest, how do you know he is dating?

I agree to give it to someone else if you can. You don't have to continue to bail out a useless man.

XmasElf10 · 03/12/2021 20:34

I’d let him come for the sake of the kids but next year I’d want him to pay upfront or wouldn’t book his ticket.

Original poster

cadburyegg · 04/12/2021 18:58

Thanks for replies.

I’d asked him to pay half of it, which was £39. After I made the thread I replied to him asking if he could afford just the cost of his ticket which is £22. No reply. Last night I realised that his maintenance payment for the week hadn’t come through (he pays every Friday). Text again asking him to transfer, no reply again nor anything today. I’ve text him asking if he’s getting my messages, but I know he is because he’s read them.

As for why I didn’t insist he paid me before I booked, this particular activity books up within hours of tickets going on sale, so if I had waited we would have missed out.

Ive looked on the website and to my surprise it looks like I might be able to get a refund for his ticket if I let them know shortly. I find it extremely hard to believe he wouldn’t be able to afford just £22 so if he doesn’t pay that I’ll try and get a refund.

I have a sneaky suspicion that the reason he hasn’t replied to me is because he expected my first response to be “oh never mind, come anyway….”

I also am not sure why this month is particularly expensive for him - he only has his parents to buy for, I sort all the Christmas presents for the kids

OP posts:

Bluewater1 · 04/12/2021 19:07

I would let him come this time because the kids may want him there but any future activities I would ask for the money upfront and if he doesn't pay, then I wouldn't book his ticket

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2021 19:18

You are separated. He needs to buy his own presents for the children.

And go through CMS for maintenance,

Honeyroar · 04/12/2021 19:27

He’s not replying because he’s not paid his maintenance either and he’s hoping you’ll be a soft touch.

Enough now. Take someone else or refund the ticket. But if he can’t even be polite enough to reply then he doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt/your generosity. Your children will still have loads of fun without him.

unicornsarereal72 · 04/12/2021 19:35

He is showing what his priorities are. You have put by the money and budgeted accordingly. He made a choice not to do this. He is expecting you to say oh ok. Come anyway. I wouldn't. Although I have a long history of the children's father not paying his child support or providing for them for example coats uniforms and shoes etc. The things you would hope they happily pay towards. So I've little charity going the other way

cstaff · 04/12/2021 19:38

Definitely a no from me. If you let him away with it this time, you will be setting yourself up for a future of this BS. Also he should have been paying half of the complete cost as these are his kids as well.

NerrSnerr · 04/12/2021 19:49

Why have you bought all the presents for the children? He needs to buy his own.

I'd get a refund on the ticket. I'd also tell him that things are changing from January 1st, you'll go through CMS so he doesn't miss a payment and he needs to buy his own presents, sort activities and if you haven't already get a fixed plan of when he has contact with the children. He's taking the piss.

billy1966 · 04/12/2021 19:54

@Rainbowqueeen

Teach your children that if someone is treating them badly then they have the right to set firm boundaries. I would not let him come. He has form and will do this again and again. All while telling himself and the world what a great dad he is.

This.

Absolutely would not bring him.

He has money for things he deems important like dates?

Definitely would bring someone else.

What a waster.

redgirl1 · 04/12/2021 19:58

That’s very difficult OP, aside from the immediate ticket issue, it’s clear he is going to be unreliable with money going forward. I think forget giving him the ticket and more importantly you need to think what stance u will take about the maintenance. If he is indeed a CF, it won’t be the last time, so you need to make appropriate response. Hopefully some other posters with more experience about child maintenance can give you some good advice.

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/12/2021 19:59

Based on the fact it is only £22 i would get the refund. Especially based on the fact you have had no maintenance. Sounds like he has gambled it all away.

From now on everything is separate.. no jount presents, no joint activities.. you have to stop rescuing him.

averythinline · 04/12/2021 20:01

get a refund on the ticket or take someone else ... he is absoolutley banking on you bailing him out...

also he buys his own presents or you agree a joint present and he pays his share before you buy it...

honestly the sooner you keep clear water between you the better for the kids- trust me, smudging stuff and enabling the relationship is really confusing and damaging... you do you shoudl be your mantra - wish it had been around for my mum !

AmandaHugenkiss · 04/12/2021 20:02

He’s testing your boundaries. If you put up with no maintenance now, he knows he can do it again and again. Agree you should go down the formal route. If his budgeting is crap, let CMS do it for him.

Get the money back for the ticket. You might need it if he’s this unreliable with paying for his kids.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/12/2021 20:03

It's far better for the children if he learns to plan and budget. Enabling him will just make it take longer and it shows your children you can be taken advantage of.

Take a grandparent or friend and enjoy.

PigeonLittle · 04/12/2021 20:06

Aww, it's Christmas. I would let him go.

One day your children will appreciate that you facilitated him being there at things other than watching TV. It's nice to feed them memories, they are important.

RandomMess · 04/12/2021 20:12

Assuming he doesn't pay get a refund and tell him he can pay you next week/pay date for half the DC tickets.

Sounds like you need to have very firm boundaries around £ with him. He can afford dates but being late with maintenance- can see you ending up going to CMS.

Muchmorethan · 04/12/2021 20:35

No point being separated if you're going to continue doing wife work.

SallyWebsterr · 04/12/2021 20:48

Why not offer him a payment plan? he can pay you £5 a week/month or whatever. Its a sunk cost now anyway. Im sure your kids want him there and this way hes not going to think he can get a free ride.

SallyWebsterr · 04/12/2021 20:50

sorry i wrote that before seeing your reply.

Lasair · 04/12/2021 21:09

Don’t do joint presents just sign from mum. Stop letting him take advantage- he can afford dates but not pay maintenance? Come off it.

SerendipitySunshine · 04/12/2021 23:43

Get a refund if you can. If not l, I'd invite someone more grateful.

timeisnotaline · 05/12/2021 00:32

Absolutely not especially with the updates. ‘I’ve got a refund for the ticket so don’t stress about that, but I need the maintenance payment or I will have to go through cms. Also pulling this on me in December is ridiculous, next year there will be presents from me at my place and you can give them your presents from daddy on their Christmas contact with you.

violetbunny · 05/12/2021 00:42

You have enabled this man long enough. It's not your responsibility to make him a decent father - one who prioritises his kids (and therefore paying for their maintenance and activities) above himself. That is on him. Stop plugging the gaps for him.

His lack of response says it all - he is expecting you to just suck it up for the sake of the kids. This stops now. Tell him too bad, sad he can't afford so you'll get a refund on his ticket. And if the maintenance payment doesn't appear soon, I wouldn't hesitate to lodge a formal claim for that as well.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/12/2021 00:53

unable to RTFT because ads are causing a problem with scrolling.

Have you looked at the theatre/venue/whatevers covid policy?
I had to cancel theatre for tomorrow - got a refund no problem; just say he has to isolate, covid related.

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