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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so flabbergarsted at this??

90 replies

MrsMar · 17/12/2007 12:04

this is a bit of a light blue touch paper and retire to a safe distance topic on here, but I'm absolutely flabbergasted at a friend of mine and I'm curious to know what other people think cos my dh says I'm making too much of a fuss over this.

I have a friend who is in her late 30s, had a great career earning pots of money, and had a correspondingly good lifestyle, lots of lovely holidays, nice clothes, just bought a nice big house and had it decorated top to bottom. She's not been too successful in her relationships with men, I think she's had a few unsuitable ones (unsuitable according to me admittedly), at least one with a married man and a few with guys who were much younger and obviously not ready to settle. I've always known she's been desperate to meet someone amazing and settle down, but she's not been lucky. Sometimes I do wonder if she's a bit high maintenance, but that's just my opinion. Anyway, the thing that's so shocked me is that she's had ivf using a sperm donor and is now expecting triplets. When asked how she was going to support herself and her children, she said she'd go on benefits, that they'd pay her (pretty large) mortgage and support her.

AIBU to think this is a totally selfish thing to do? I've got one new born and the support of a great dh and I find it really hard, so am I wrong to think these babies won't really get the best start in life with no father and a mother who will obviously be at best frazzled all the time all to satisfy a whim.

Tell me your opinions... cos I'm just speechless.

OP posts:
JingleBelgoHoHoHo · 17/12/2007 12:06

I would also find it very hard to judge in this situation.

But as your friend, what she will need most is a lot of support in the coming months/years. Only you know whether or not you can give that to her.

suzywong · 17/12/2007 12:06

be flabbergasted on here, sure
but give her nothing but unconditional support in RL as she's going to need it

rahrahrahrahrah · 17/12/2007 12:06
Hmm
notjustmom · 17/12/2007 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

camillathechicken · 17/12/2007 12:10

benefits don't pay your mortgage... she needs to get some proper financial advice.

please god all three babies make it...

she has obviously been desperate to have children, and has done it the only way she felt was possible....

she might have felt it was the last chance saloon for her

is she intending on going back to work or not? this might be short term plan

is it any worse than a woman getting pregnant on a one night stand , or in the throes of a dying relationship?

she clearly wants children very much, that is a good start

nailpolish · 17/12/2007 12:11

i assume she will go back to work eventually. i took a few years off when the dds were small, what is wrong with that?

she is a taxpayer too, you know

itsTwiiiiiiiiiiitmaaaaaaasss · 17/12/2007 12:11

did she mean she'd give up work permanently? I mean she's going to need tonnes of help and support what with triplets anyway obv but it seems a little irresponible to take on one baby this way [let alone three] when she's alone and expecting hand outs. If she is planning to return to work to support her family eventually then good luck to her.

JingleBelgoHoHoHo · 17/12/2007 12:11

I suppose she may think that if she's paid taxes for all these years she is just getting back what's due to her, at a time when she needs it.

nailpolish · 17/12/2007 12:12

mrsMar are you just a teeny bit jealous?

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 17/12/2007 12:13

None of us know whats going to happen in our furture, if my dp was made redundant we too would probably have to live off benefits. Your friend is going to need alot of support. Her new lifestyle is going to be a huge shock to her, looking after three newborns with very little money is going to be very tough.

MummyDoItUnderTheMistletoe · 17/12/2007 12:13

Curious to know how she ended up with triplets. I thought IVF clinics were only supposed to put back two eggs to avoid too many multiples. Though I guess one could have divided after implantation. Sorry to sidetrack!

notjustmom · 17/12/2007 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsTwiiiiiiiiiiitmaaaaaaasss · 17/12/2007 12:14

yes I agree

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 17/12/2007 12:15

The benefits will cover the monthly interest payments on her mortgage and council tax.

mynameisnic · 17/12/2007 12:15

good luck to her. The only thing that flabbergasts me is that she thinks she will get housing benny to cover her mortgage.

nailpolish · 17/12/2007 12:15

maybe she has put money aside. you dont know.

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 17/12/2007 12:15

She probably didn't choose to have triplets and may have chosen to go back to work if she was just having one baby.

IsawKIMIkissingsantaclaus · 17/12/2007 12:17

Yay someone else to keep on my taxes.

OrmIrian · 17/12/2007 12:18

All I can think of is poor woman! That she needed to go to such lengths to have children. Surely she is going to find it really hard. And as for benefits - can't say it bothers me in the slightest. I can't imagine she'll be happy claiming them for ever and ahe's paid her dues over the years by the sound of it.

allIWannaBeForChristmas · 17/12/2007 12:18

having IVF with a doner is one thing (not something I would personally do but each to their own) but planning to go on benefits is just wrong IMO. And if she thinks the state will pay her mortgage she can think again, unless she has an interest only mortgage in which case i do believe they will pay the interest but ultimately the bulk of the loan will have to be repaid by her.

lilolilbethlehem · 17/12/2007 12:18

I kind of see where you're coming from MrsM, but not sure what I'd have done if I'd not had a successful relationship. The desire to have children is such a strong one and not just limited to those in relationships. I also don't think anyone has any idea how tough parenthood is til it's too late - as others have said, rant on here til your heart's content BUT in RL be there to help your friend out when she has 3 little ones.

orangehead · 17/12/2007 12:19

I know what it is like to be desperate for a baby. After years of ttc then followed by 3 mcs I thought I was never going to have a baby and it completely ate me up and consumed me and I think I would of considered anything. I think she probably is desperate and hearing her clock ticking and worried that she is not even in a stable relationships. Although its a possiblity with IVF she probably didnt imagine having triplets or maybe she was so desperate that didnt matter to her

Lauriefairycake · 17/12/2007 12:19

Ok, if we take the emotion out of it and look at it coldly.

The desire to have children is strong yes? She hasn't met anyone doesn't mean the desire isn't strong for her - what's she going to do, wait forever?

And she has I'm sure paid enough tax to get some of that back in the form of the state looking after her and her children - she's well equipped at her age after a successful career to bring them up well.

She's going to need your help and support.

rahrahrahrahrah · 17/12/2007 12:20

If this is for real, very unusual for IVF to result in triplets these days... I would be more flabbergasted at the thought of a single person coping with the amount of work involved in bringing up triplets, I don't think I could cope and I'm not a single mum. She might be irresponsible but she will realise that in time, she needs support not condemnation.

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 17/12/2007 12:22

how in the world did she end up with triplets! I think it's reasonable to be surprised by this turn of events - but in my opinion it's none of our business how she supports her children. In your place I would have bit of a rant to dh, then keep quiet and start looking out your old baby clothes - she is going to need them!