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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so flabbergarsted at this??

90 replies

MrsMar · 17/12/2007 12:04

this is a bit of a light blue touch paper and retire to a safe distance topic on here, but I'm absolutely flabbergasted at a friend of mine and I'm curious to know what other people think cos my dh says I'm making too much of a fuss over this.

I have a friend who is in her late 30s, had a great career earning pots of money, and had a correspondingly good lifestyle, lots of lovely holidays, nice clothes, just bought a nice big house and had it decorated top to bottom. She's not been too successful in her relationships with men, I think she's had a few unsuitable ones (unsuitable according to me admittedly), at least one with a married man and a few with guys who were much younger and obviously not ready to settle. I've always known she's been desperate to meet someone amazing and settle down, but she's not been lucky. Sometimes I do wonder if she's a bit high maintenance, but that's just my opinion. Anyway, the thing that's so shocked me is that she's had ivf using a sperm donor and is now expecting triplets. When asked how she was going to support herself and her children, she said she'd go on benefits, that they'd pay her (pretty large) mortgage and support her.

AIBU to think this is a totally selfish thing to do? I've got one new born and the support of a great dh and I find it really hard, so am I wrong to think these babies won't really get the best start in life with no father and a mother who will obviously be at best frazzled all the time all to satisfy a whim.

Tell me your opinions... cos I'm just speechless.

OP posts:

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 17/12/2007 12:23

As she has had a great career she is probably going to be very bored staying at home with the babies. She may go back to wrok as soon as her mat leave is up and employ someone to look after her children, she may not even claim any benefits and just looks at them as a back up plan. She has piad taxes so I can't understand why some people are being so harsh.

itsTwiiiiiiiiiiitmaaaaaaasss · 17/12/2007 12:24

I'm assuming she piad to have ivf as well? Surely the clinic should have some sort of code that means they have to give her counselling and possibly not going ahead with it if she's not planning to do her best to support them financially. [iyswim]

mrspnut · 17/12/2007 12:25

She may find that the reality very different to the idea of it.

Income support will only pay the interest on the first £100,000 of any mortgage at bank of england base rate plus 1% (7.33% atm) and if she took out her mortgage out after 1995 then she will have a waiting period of 39 weeks before they will help. (there are a few exceptions but from what you have written she doesn't seem to meet them)

If I were in her position, I'd be looking to maximise my income whilst pregnant so I could put as much aside as I could to keep me going when I was down to basic maternity pay and beyond.

orangehead · 17/12/2007 12:25

When she says benefits will support her, I think maybe she has looked into child tax credit. Dont forget you get extra if your child is under 1, so for three under 1 I imagine you would get quite abit

mrspnut · 17/12/2007 12:28

You only get an extra £545 for having a baby under 1, and you only get 1 baby premium regardless of how many under ones you have.

soopermum1 · 17/12/2007 12:30

possibly she just planned on getting preg with 1, and that she would be able to juggle work and baby. but when she found out 3 were on their way she knew there would be no chance of being able to do this. TBH most of us, if we are planning financially for a child, plan for one at a time, not many have the means to cover childcare for 3 all at the one time. how many of us would be able to do differently from what this woman is planning to do if we found ourselves in this predicament?

Lauriefairycake · 17/12/2007 12:39

Good point soopermum, not sure if I suddenly found myself up duff with triplets that i would manage money wise much differently/better.

With triplets its always going to be tough work.

UnquietDad · 17/12/2007 12:40

Hmm, sounds like the basis for..... an article?

YummersBrandyAndMincePies · 17/12/2007 12:41

are you sure its really a whim? perhaps this is what she really deeply wants. perhaps she had started thinking she was never going to meet mister right and that this might be her only chance of having kids?

as for going on benefits, bringing up one child is a full time job let alone 3. You're either going to have to do half the work yourself and pay for childcare the rest of the time or do all the work yourself and not have a 'proper' job. as bringing up kids well is a bloody tough job, presuming that they turn out to be good, hard-working members of society, whos to say her job wasn't worth just as much as the salary of the teachers and nursery nurses who also get funded by the taxpayer?

Lauriefairycake · 17/12/2007 12:42

To be honest I wish this woman lots of luck - anyone who wants them that desperately and is prepared to sacrific so much (relationship/marraige/career that she took ages to build) deserves all the luck in the world.

nailpolish · 17/12/2007 12:43

you could look at it another way

what if she said she was going back to work when the babies were 6 weeks old? folks would be spouting
"oh my god she spent all that money and effort to get pg then she farms them out to a nursery 10hrs a day"

we should be supporting each other not bitching

coppertop · 17/12/2007 12:44

This is one of those situations where the woman in the OP can't win whatever she does. If she becomes a SAHM she's labeled as a scrounger. If she goes back to work then there will be the inevitable "Why go through with IVF and have babies and then just swan off to work and leave them" comments.

camillathechicken · 17/12/2007 12:44

I don;t thikn it is possible to have IVF on a whim.

coppertop · 17/12/2007 12:44

x-posted.

juuule · 17/12/2007 12:45

"late 30s, had a great career earning pots of money,"
I reckon she's got it covered and the benefits thing wasn't a serious comment. She's possibly still shocked herself at finding out she's carrying triplets.
Is it possible that she doesn't want to divulge her financial arrangements to you MrsMar? So has just given a flippant answer. I can't see her being content with benefits after living a self-sufficient life up to now.

nailpolish · 17/12/2007 12:45

rahrahrahrahrah · 17/12/2007 12:51

Unquietdad - Exactly what I thought!

orangehead · 17/12/2007 12:52

Another way to look at it, When my kids were younger I was on income support for a couple of years. I got £50 a week is, £450 a month housing benefit and £250 a month ctc so thats £900 a month. I now work part time I get £700 a month wftc (part of that paying for after school club) £250 housing benefit. So thats £950. So the gov actually give me more working so maybe she not taking advantage going on benefits because gov may end up giving her less than if she works

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 17/12/2007 13:09

Surely she'll get a decent amount of maternity leave?

The Dad thing isn't the biggest deal tbh, you'll find many people on here whose dp/h's were scumbags and they bought up the children alone, at least she hasn't settled for a wanker.

I'd assume, like others that she was expecting one baby and thought it would be fine to juggle one and work, having found out it's triplets she has had to thinkof the worst possible scenario which would be benefits.

Original poster

MrsMar · 17/12/2007 13:12

sorry didn't mean to post and run, had to feed baby...

nailpolish, not jealous. I'm concerned for her and the babies to be honest. am I wrong to think no one chooses to be a single mother. Sure it happens to lots of people but often not by choice...

anyway, going to read more replies.

OP posts:

orangehead · 17/12/2007 13:18

Agree with tiny tim, although being a single parent isnt ideal its better than being in a very unhappy relationship or being with a scumbag. At least she has not settled for someone or worse tricked some poor bloke into getting her pregant

Original poster

MrsMar · 17/12/2007 13:22

~As far as I know, she doesn't have any savings, she did say her mortgage was huge and she could barely afford it.

the ivf clinic put two embyros back and one divided. I'm sure she didn't really choose to have triplets. I'm still uncomfortable even if it had been one, but then maybe that's just me.

Lilobethlehem - i'm sure you're right about the urge to have babies. I am of course seeing things from my privileged position of a mother of a gorgeous ds!

I do hope she's got lots of professional support, and of course I'd help as much as I could, but I think she's not entirely got her eyes open as to how much work just one baby is, let alone three. She thinks she'll cope without any help at all. i told her she'd need a live in nanny and she thought i was bonkers. How do you feed three babies at once or do you just listen to one of them scream while you do two others?

Unquietdad - this is kosher, honest. I'm no journo. It does sound like something you'd see in a paper though doesn't it? Or maybe jeremy kyle??? ohh no, even I'm not that bitchy!!! ;)

juuule it's quite possible she was joking about the benefits. I hope so, cos I'm sure the lifestyle change for her would be a shock. She is someone who has enjoyed her home comforts to say the least

Oh well, it sounds like you lot are a much more accepting tolerant bunch than me. Maybe I'm just a bitch, but I do think she's being quite selfish, but again, I am saying that from quite a privileged position so perhaps I should empathise a bit more. I'm sure she didn't think she'd end up with three babies, but I'm sure she has no idea what she's in for. Perhaps she could come and spend the day with me and see how many times I have to change my clothes cos they're covered in puke and poo!

OP posts:

binklebells · 17/12/2007 13:27

I do think you are envious I'm afraid as nailpolish's post was obviously the one you felt you had to respond to first and strongest.

The girl has it all and now she has this pregnancy and it has all been so easy for her... (thought it probably hasn't)..probably she'll find it hard - just as you do with only one child, just as I do, but she'll be a mum and that's what mums do - they get on with it..

....and even from your priviledged position with gorgeous dc and dh it rankles... we've all been there and no shame in admitting tbh

nailpolish · 17/12/2007 13:30

yep, jealousy. i can see it from here.

Tortington · 17/12/2007 13:32

for the life of me i cant se what she is jealous about.

a woman on her own with 3 kids in a financial mess.

do explain

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