to be so flabbergarsted at this??

[MrsMar]

this is a bit of a light blue touch paper and retire to a safe distance topic on here, but I'm absolutely flabbergasted at a friend of mine and I'm curious to know what other people think cos my dh says I'm making too much of a fuss over this.

I have a friend who is in her late 30s, had a great career earning pots of money, and had a correspondingly good lifestyle, lots of lovely holidays, nice clothes, just bought a nice big house and had it decorated top to bottom. She's not been too successful in her relationships with men, I think she's had a few unsuitable ones (unsuitable according to me admittedly), at least one with a married man and a few with guys who were much younger and obviously not ready to settle. I've always known she's been desperate to meet someone amazing and settle down, but she's not been lucky. Sometimes I do wonder if she's a bit high maintenance, but that's just my opinion. Anyway, the thing that's so shocked me is that she's had ivf using a sperm donor and is now expecting triplets. When asked how she was going to support herself and her children, she said she'd go on benefits, that they'd pay her (pretty large) mortgage and support her.

AIBU to think this is a totally selfish thing to do? I've got one new born and the support of a great dh and I find it really hard, so am I wrong to think these babies won't really get the best start in life with no father and a mother who will obviously be at best frazzled all the time all to satisfy a whim.

Tell me your opinions... cos I'm just speechless.

not jealous of having 3 bairns and no partner

jealous of having the balls to do it - having had the fabulous career, house, car, life, now having children too. and probably money in the bank too.

maybe jealous in the past and now friend has babies too. 3 of them. and mrsmar is finding it hard with 1

she said no money in bank

i can compeltely understand jealousy of future atention she will deffo get.

but triplets is a large price to pay for a few years of goo goo ga ga off old women at tesco.

My best friend is a totally gorgeous single career-minded woman, she has a large chunk of disposable income, great clothes, foreign holidays, but not the financial security as her line of work is not so well paid that she can take out a mortgage. Fantastic lifestyle. However, in her darker moments, over a bottle of wine or two she will break down and cry, envious of me in my poky little house, troubled little marriage, 2 great kids. All she wants is to find "that special somebody". She has gone through a string of men, older ones, younger ones, she was engaged once, but her fiance married somebody else instead. It is not that easy when you are in your thirties, come out of one serious long standing relationship, your internal body clock ticking.

Dont be flabbergasted, support her rather than being critical, she needs you now more than ever. She probably did not envisage 3 children. And as somebody else said, she would probably go back to work if it was only one child, but this has probably thrown her a bit too. Good luck.

I dont think you are envious, I think you are shocked and surprised.

i htink mrsmar is guessing her friends financial situation

also, i dont think friend si doing it for attnetion. course not

crikey nailpolish, I'm so not jealous. I replied first cos it was one of the first posts I saw as I scrolled through. I'm not finding it hard impossible with one, but it is difficult first time, you have to admit. Surely no one finds first time motherhood easy peasy, and I'd hate to do it on my own. I would hate to be in her position.

Fio, you are so right, she's having a cs at 32 weeks so there's already a risk, that would terrify me. I've never been jealous of her career or money as I've not done too badly myself and love my job and life. Maybe I've got the benefit of experience but those night time feeds are awfully lonely without someone to offer a bit of support or even just a cup of tea! Blimey I sound smug don't I? That's terrible isn't it. Actually I'm terrified for her. I'm worried about what her life will be like and how much she'll be able to support those babies.

The wierd thing is she's never mentioned babies to any of us, we've always known she wanted to have a great relationship, but she never mentioned children at the same time, maybe that's why I'm so flabbergasted too. My instant feeling was that in the absence of love from a man in her life she'd opted for children who'll love her, which worries me.

Why do you think it's a "whim"?

yes ofcourse mrsmar prob doesnt have access to friends financial details thats a given.

i wasnt suggesting friend was doing it for attention i was saying as a fact that she WILL get attention. I can understand that may be cause for jealousy on Mrsmars part as jealousy has been suggested. Therefore for mrsmar i suggest that the hard work triplets will incur will far outdo the odd pleasentry from passers by.

You sort of answered with your last post, MrsMar,

although the fact that she's been quiet about it doesn't necessarily

mean that it's a whim or a substitute for something else.

ok, i accept that you are not jealous.

i have a friend who has a great career, tons of money, jets all over the world, nice house(s) and now daddy has paid for ivf.

i am jealous of her a bit

QS, I have a friend in a similar situation, she aborted a baby when she was about 19, and even when I was in my one bedroomed flat with two children and had jut split with their dad after finding him cheating on me, she was jealous of me.

You're right MrsMar, having three children is going to be bloody hard, but your point about her not realising how hard a baby is can be said for many many more 'suitably prepared' mothers, even women with a huge amount of money in the bank, their own house, a wwonderfully supportive DH and family etc, are quite often shocked at how hard it is when it happens.

quintessential, you're right of course. I am so shocked and surprised. She'll get my help whenever she needs it.

Nailpolish, I'm not sure that I agree about the balls bit. I think it's quite unfair to deprive those children of a father, lots of people grow up without their father of course, but I think it's wrong to set out doing it that way.

I guess it all boils down the the argument about whether you think we have a right to have children or if it's a privilege. Of course she's got the means to do it, but is it right to go ahead just cos you can? I'm playing devils advocate a bit here cos I'm still trying to work out how I truly feel about this.

the easiest way to work out how you feel about thsi is stop looking at the bigger picture.

look at your friend.

some people dont talk about the things they long for, it doesnt mean they not desperate for it. Ivf is not something that is done and dusted in one appointment it is a long process and usually includes counselling so I personally dont think it is a whim. I agree she probably has no idea how hard 1 is never mind 3, but like most mums you just have to get on with it and she probably will too. I agree she will need your support. Will she have support from family?

yeah, you're right tiny tim, having all the resources in the world doesn't make the emotional side of things easy if you're struggling. Crikey, what a can of worms eh?

I still can't get over it...

My problem isn't that she has had ivf as a single parent but that she expects to just go on benefits and have her mortgage paid.

In this country you have to be very poor or very rich and those inbetween get sod all.

Yes same MrsMar dont know where I stand on that question either - kind of depends what mood Im in!

There are those that scrimp and save and limit the number of children they have because they cant afford it - like my friend.

Then there are those like my neighbour who go ahead and have them anyway. In fact my neighbour got pregnant again then complained to the council that now her flat was overcrowded so she needed to be rehoused

I think it's just as selfish to have kids in a finacially insecure position as it is to have them without a Dad tbh, but I've done it and I wouldn't begrudge anyone else it.

I'm surprised you call yourself this womans friend really, my friend I mentioned in my previous post has since 'settled down' with a guy that I think is a total moron, because she is desperate for a baby. Everytime she tells me about some argument or another and then talks about how they are trying for a baby I want to shake her, but I know how much pain she is in wanting for this child.

Some people have a baby through a one night stand, caught out, not using the right precautions, would you say they should all have abortions because they did it 'wrong'???

Her babies already have a greats atrt in the world, A mother how longs for them, pity the same cannot be said for every baby.

FWIW, My dd was born at 32 weeks, she was a very poorly little girl. Your poor frined is going to really go through the mill.

Excuse my typos!DS is on my lap!

I have a problem with the benefit thing too

i think your being very judging of your friend.she sounds like shes worked hard,had a good life and now wants to share all that with a child(3!).you said 'she's had a few unsuitable ones'(relationships)would you prefer she'd had a baby with one of these men?
what bit bugs you most?the fact shes going to be single parent of 3 or on benefits?or something else ive missed?

you said 'am I wrong to think these babies won't really get the best start in life with no father and a mother who will obviously be at best frazzled all the time all to satisfy a whim.'
lots of babies are born into one parent familys ,your friend is not first and wont be last.who are you to say they are not getting best start in life?

I would be flabbergasted, but then very worried! If she's a good friend, I would prepare to give her all the support you can, at every stage. I don't think you can judge her for wanting a child on her own -- I don't suppose she really understood what it means. None of us really knows what looking after a baby entails, how it's going to change our lives. But having triplets does make it about a hundred times harder.

I guess when it happens, she'll get on with it, and if she can't make her mortgage payments she'll have to sell and downsize. She only needs two bedrooms (although of course at the moment, if she's as high maintenance as you say, she doesn't realise that! )

She is going to be so knackered!

If I was in my 30's and had the money and no partner I would probably do something like this, if I desperately wanted children. [which I did].

Not three though .

Benefits are not intended to fund lifestyle choices, they're for people who, through no fault of their own, find themselves unable to support themselves.

It's morally wrong to make a deliberate decision to live off benefits, unless you have a very good reason for doing so (like looking after someone else). Ultimately you are, or will be, depriving someone else of money. There simply isn't enough to go round as it is--my husband works with long-term unemployed and tells me some really sad stories where people aren't get much at all from benefits.

I'm hoping, too, she was just making a flip comment or referring to the tax credits.

I have a friend who, at 39, has just broken up with her partner of 12 years because he decided that actually no, he didn't want children like he said he did

I told her to go and have a baby on her own. I bloody would.

If she has had such a great job for all these years she has paid a lot of tax, will probably have a lot put by, and can take a couple of years off with her babies surely? She'll probably go back to work after that.

Why is having a baby alone going to give her children a worse life than marrying someone she doesn't love in order to do so? I was brought up by a single mother through divorce and it was by far the best situation it could have been compared to being brought up by my eejit of a father

I count myself very, very lucky to have met a lovely man to have children with. I know others who haven't been so lucky, and surely we should have some sympathy for them?