to be so flabbergarsted at this??

[MrsMar]

this is a bit of a light blue touch paper and retire to a safe distance topic on here, but I'm absolutely flabbergasted at a friend of mine and I'm curious to know what other people think cos my dh says I'm making too much of a fuss over this.

I have a friend who is in her late 30s, had a great career earning pots of money, and had a correspondingly good lifestyle, lots of lovely holidays, nice clothes, just bought a nice big house and had it decorated top to bottom. She's not been too successful in her relationships with men, I think she's had a few unsuitable ones (unsuitable according to me admittedly), at least one with a married man and a few with guys who were much younger and obviously not ready to settle. I've always known she's been desperate to meet someone amazing and settle down, but she's not been lucky. Sometimes I do wonder if she's a bit high maintenance, but that's just my opinion. Anyway, the thing that's so shocked me is that she's had ivf using a sperm donor and is now expecting triplets. When asked how she was going to support herself and her children, she said she'd go on benefits, that they'd pay her (pretty large) mortgage and support her.

AIBU to think this is a totally selfish thing to do? I've got one new born and the support of a great dh and I find it really hard, so am I wrong to think these babies won't really get the best start in life with no father and a mother who will obviously be at best frazzled all the time all to satisfy a whim.

Tell me your opinions... cos I'm just speechless.

frothy - your poor friend - that is rotten!

As a lurker and mother of triplets I just had to post for once.
I had the lifestyle too a few years ago - I had the career and spent my money travelling etc. I wanted the family and the babies but they didnt come along so I went up and up the career ladder just because that's how it worked out and yes I had some money and to console myself everytime the IVF didnt work, my OH and I would go on a lovely holiday in some exotic place.
No I didnt go round telling everyone I wanted a family - I didnt want them feeling sorry for me. I just smiled and talked about my new house and holidays etc.
When we found out it was triplets, it was a shock. And I have a partner. And they were born early and one is disabled. And I adore them and love being a mum and staying at home and my partner works all hours to support us now.
What I am trying to say is that the high maintenance lifestyle was probably not making her happy anyway and the OP who thinks this is just to "satisfy a whim" may be wrong.
I have to say, it will be terribly hard for your friend - I hope she has some family around as triplets are a full time job for two people for the first 6 months or so. If she doesnt have someone close by (mum or sister or someone who really will help) I would recommend that she does consider going back to work part time and employing a nanny if she has a high paying job. OP, I hope you will be there for her too.
As for benefits, lets hope she doesnt need them but if she does, I wish her all the best.

Everyone keeps mentioning benefits as if she decided one day 'Oh, I'm going to get pregnant and go on benefits' I suspect she thought maternity leave and then her wages would have supported them, but since finding out she has three babies, the safety net is to claim.

I am happy for my taxes to go to helping this woman with her babies. She sounds like a decent person who is going to have a very hard job for the next few years. It is a job she should be paid for, children are a benefit to society.

I wish her good luck because she is really going to need it!! High risk pregnancy and sheer hard work emotionally and physically when the babies are born.

I struggled being pregnant and having one baby in my late 30's.

As for the benefits issue, so what!! she has worked and paid tax for years why should she not get something back from the system.

I think the OP is being very judgemental. I know a number of women that have got to a certain age and have either got pregnant after a one night stand (on purpose) or paid for IVF.

I doubt this women went into this thinking 'ooh, I'll have 3 babies!) HAving triplets is nothing to do with her original decision. Going it alone with 1 baby, isn't easy but is very doable and I bet this is what she thought

What do you expect her to do? Have an abortion? Pregnancy reduction?? What about all the people out there that have unexpected multiples and can't afford them, get them terminated too?

This women needs support not judgement

I agree with minority rules. I don;t want to judge you on the basis of this one post, but you don't sound as if you;re being a very good friend to her at the moment...

I don't recommend that a single woman deliberately has a baby (even one) without a partner, but once the baby or babies have been born, it is right that they should get all the support we (as a society) can give.
In the past, children were punished for being born in the wrong circumstances and we have seen that that is unfair. The pendulum has swung so far the other way though, that people do take this step and often their aged parents are asked to take far too much responsibility.

she'll lose her house before benefits pay the interest on her mortgage unless she's got enough saved up to make her payments for about 6 months.

they do NOT pay your mortgage, only the interest on it.

also, any savings she has, including pension, and any assets, are taken into consideration when applying for benefits excepting DLA because they are means-tested.

i really hope she gets some better financial advice.

They don't pay your mortgage.

They might pay the interest on your mortgage I think. Not sure.

I don't actually agree with planning to be on benefits. I think benefits are there to see a person through unexpected troubles and unforseen changes in circumstances. And thank God they are, tbh.

However, the urge to reproduce is bloody strong (can I say 'bloody' in the Daily Mail?) and some women will do anything because nothing else matters. It's hard not to feel compassion.

And as to benefits, well, like I sy, I don't personally agree with planning to have that lifestyle, but if she's in a high paying job, she'll have paid a lot in. New laws mean she'll have to go back to work when the kids are 7, she'll probably find it such a total shock she'll rethink and go back to work anyway. It's not the worst event in the world, now is it?

It's Hekate with a 'K' btw.

In case you quote me.

FWIW, I cannot imagine ever being jealous of a lone parent.

That is such hard work.

I used to think women who became single mothers deliberately were just selfish bastards

But thqt was before I grew up

I think it's very easy to judge people like this if you've never known the anguish of wanting a baby and not being able to have one. Now I think it's not ideal and I wouldn't recommend it because it's bloody hard work, but if it's the only way you're ever going to become a mother, then do it if you want it that badly. One day you'll be eighty and when people look back on their lives, they tend to regret the things they didn't do, not the things they did.

regading the benefit thing. We dont know why this women is going on benefits. Its possible she planned to go back to work but then was told that mutiple births is more risky and babies might be in speacial care for some time, and thought that if you babies spend a few months in speacial care then her maternity leave finishes 6 months after she takes it(she might take maternity leave early with having triplets). Thinking ahead she think thats she wont want to leave them when they not long come out of hospital.
Also how much do you think childcare costs for 3? Alot, and considering wftc pay 70% of childcare costs thats probably more that whats benefits they will give her if she stays at home.
Also alot of single mums go back to work with one baby, its do able and maybe she was planning that. But thses mums do find it hard. Now imagine getting home from a tiring day at work to see to three babies with no help from anyone and getting up all night to each one waking at different times then going to work again the next day. Sounds dangerous. Obviously Idont know whats going through this womens head like no one else does, but maybe she is just thinking practically

give your friend the support she will need. I wanted children with my dh nothing else mattered. we had IVF 5 times & now have our dd.she is hard work just like all children but worth. So 3 without support will be really tough. IVF is not something that is easy to do in my opinion you mustreally want children the bloody injections/drugs play riot with your hormones .I wish your friend & her babies all the luck in the world & fingers crossed they are all well when the arrive as planned.

Been thinking about this alot, you're all right of course. My friend has been in touch and we've had a good talk. She's shocked and terrified. I'd never thought of her as the maternal type, she'd never shown any interest, but these babies are real and they're going to be here very soon. I do hope I can help her as much as possible, if only to persuade her how much help she will need, she still thinks she'll manage on her own. I've told her to come and spend the day with me and see how many times I (don't) get to sit down !