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Original poster

To forgive my husband after infidelity?

101 replies

SwaylorTwift · 01/12/2021 22:06

DH and I have had what I thought was a happy marriage with rough patches (when children were young, money issues in early days, different illnesses and bereavements of parents) but always very in love, like a team, and got through all this to a very happy place now kids have left home.

DH and were having some heart to hearts, playful on my part really, and he shocked me... confessed he had had a year long affair around ten years into our marriage with a younger woman at his office.

I was so heartbroken. He was or seemed very sorry and glad to confess.

I asked him to leave for a while. So I could think about it. I was devastated as I thought we had this love and true loyalty throughout all our life. I feel like my life has been a lie or I was deluded. A fool.

He's gone and I miss him. I'm so angry with him, but I also think it was so long ago. Perhaps I can forgive and then I get angry again. I miss him.

OP posts:
Katyrosebug · 01/12/2021 22:09

What prompted him to tell you?

TenPenceMix · 01/12/2021 22:09

Aw OP how long have you been married?

AutumnLeaves21 · 01/12/2021 22:10

There’s no right or wrong answer here, op. A year long affair is a huge betrayal and I’m not sure I could forgive. But I have never been in your position so difficult to say. How long have you been married?

Bananarama21 · 01/12/2021 22:11

A year long affair is a pisstake it wasn't a drunken mistake would taint every memory tbh.

Sarahlou63 · 01/12/2021 22:11

It's ancient history for him, brand new news for you. Take your time - as long as you need - to decide what to do with this bombshell; either to let it explode and bury the fragments or to toss it straight back to him.

Either way, you are not a fool. Don't even think that. Ever.

123Suprise · 01/12/2021 22:12

He's told you to relieve some of his guilt I am sure.

I'd struggle with this for sure. How do you know he's telling the truth elsewhere?

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/12/2021 22:13

Well relationships can survive infidelity.

But you need to let yourself be fucking angry, give yourself space to see if you really want to go forward - you will have to accept things will never be the same.

Questions I’d be asking would include - was it really your only affair, and why the fuck did you feel the need to tell me after all this time - to make yourself feel better??

Outlyingtrout · 01/12/2021 22:17

It was beyond selfish of him to tell you at this point. I'm assuming you've been married a long time and this was many years ago now. He hasn't told you for any reason other than it alleviates some of his own guilt that he's been living with, and in the process he has heaped all that heartache onto you. What a bastard.

Original poster
SwaylorTwift · 01/12/2021 22:28

I think he has been selfish. I wish I didn't know.

We have been together 25 years married 23.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwaylorTwift · 01/12/2021 22:31

I do keep imagining many affairs although he denies that.

I want to know everything about the other woman but have refused to ask him.

So far only I know about this. Kids think we are having a break from each other due to lockdown fatigue. It's all so painful and also surreal. I almost see it like a film that happened.

OP posts:
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 01/12/2021 22:34

People can get over affairs, my mum had an affair and left my dad to live with the om for 6 weeks, she came back and they made it work, infact they seemed better than before and the arguments etc stopped so they sorted themselves out and are still married, 30 years later.

But, they worked through it at the time. Why on Earth did he tell you now?

5thnonblonde · 01/12/2021 22:40

I wonder how honest he’s being. People who have affairs often only partially disclose or minimise stuff initially. I’m not saying this to hurt you or catastrophise but maybe don’t surprise if 10yrs ago becomes 7/8 and a year becomes 18mo etc etc.

I’m so sorry, he’s been astoundingly selfish and disrespectful. Think about what you want next- be complete selfish here as I don’t think you should trust him to consider your needs

Original poster
SwaylorTwift · 01/12/2021 22:50

I had said we have no secrets.
Were drinking wine, rare, to be a bit tipsy, jokingly he said some minor funny things, I dredged my memory for some things, worst being I would occasionally buy clothes we couldn't afford in the first years of our marriage and say I found then in the sale. I didn't really feel guilty as it never caused us to go out of budget.
Anyway I confessed and then he asked if I had every liked anyone else. We have been able to talk about celebrity crushes over the years ...he was not jealous or anything. But he pressed me about real life people. I thought it was just a bit of flirty chat and said I just fancied Ross Poldark to make him laugh, and then he confessed. I thought he was joking but he cried.

OP posts:
Original poster
SwaylorTwift · 01/12/2021 22:52

Perhaps he is still with the other person and this is an elaborate slow break up.

He's messaging me that he loves me and all the things.

I'm so tired.

OP posts:
Geppili · 01/12/2021 22:52

God, you poor thing! That must have come as such a shock. You need time to process it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/12/2021 22:53

I couldn’t get past that. Married 33 years, I’d be packing his bags.

Really sorry.

Superstar22 · 01/12/2021 22:55

If possible, try and get over it. You’ve had a mainly wonderful life and can continue to do that. Don’t let what has been 1/25th of a lovely marriage be ruined for you both now. Yes he was a selfish prick. Yes it’s incredibly hurtful and shocking. But it’s not the future for you, it’s in the distant past.
Sending love x

5thnonblonde · 01/12/2021 22:55

@SwaylorTwift I’m so sorry. There’s no point second guessing what he wants/wanted/is planning so try to think about what you want. I’m glad you’ve left/booted him out- he probably thought he was in the clear

Peakypolly · 01/12/2021 22:57

I've been married for over 30 years. I'm sure I would react exactly the same as you,but I think our marriage would ultimately survive although it would never again have the same magic.

Avarua · 01/12/2021 23:00

Wow. It's okay to be heartbroken and angry and take your time. Go away for a bit.

Marvellousmadness · 01/12/2021 23:01

He cheated on you. Not like a "1 night oopsy" (even that would be the end of ky marriage lets be honest)
But he cheated on you by having a full blown afair. For a year!!! So he would have told you lie after lie after lie. And possibly gave yoi an std even.

You love him of course you do. That will probably take a long time for that feeling to go. But look whats he's done to you. Its humiliating. And you thought you were a team
And he was busy being a team with someone else.
You need to look objectively to the whole situation. And realise that love... isnt ...enough
And its hard to say goodbye to something that is so near. And dear. But boythis will never be something you can ever forget. It will always be on your mind. It ll come up in arguments. And you are just gonna drive yourself nuts over it. And if you dont ,then you are just burrying your head in the sand and pretend that all is good .

He should have been honest straight away. Or have held is tongue until eternity. Why come clean now....

FlowerArranger · 01/12/2021 23:01

Do check out Chumplady.

You'll never recover from this, trust me.

You can leave now....... or in 2 years, 5 years, whatever.

Or sticking it out. But it will never be the same again.

Flowers Flowers Flowers

GreenClock · 01/12/2021 23:02

I think you need to get to the bottom of this confession and its timing. Is the woman back on the scene? Is there a child involved? Has someone threatened to spill the beans or inadvertently nearly done so? It could be innocent but you need to know more I think before you can assess your next move.

FissionMailed · 01/12/2021 23:03

I couldn't get over it.
As far as I'm concerned he may have cheated on you a long time ago, but he's lied to you every single day since then.
Couldn't trust that.

UserOfManyNames · 01/12/2021 23:13

So sorry OP. He obviously didn’t realise the effect him getting his dirty secret into the open would have on you. Now you have to go through this as if it just happened with the added bonus that for the last 11 years at least, your life has been a lie.

I think it’s much worse to find out about an affair years after the fact. He didn’t give you the choice of whether to forgive him or not back then and he’s stolen 11 years from you, where you could have potentially been happy with someone who respected you, with his deceit.

Especially now your DC have left home, I couldn’t stay with him. It would drive me insane thinking about the stuff we did after he’d been shagging another woman for a year (at least if that’s what he’s admitted to) with me totally oblivious. It would taint everything. I’d be questioning everything and would feel sick looking at him.

Far kinder to myself to just have a clean break and
start a new chapter of my life.