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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To forgive my husband after infidelity?

101 replies

SwaylorTwift · 01/12/2021 22:06

DH and I have had what I thought was a happy marriage with rough patches (when children were young, money issues in early days, different illnesses and bereavements of parents) but always very in love, like a team, and got through all this to a very happy place now kids have left home.

DH and were having some heart to hearts, playful on my part really, and he shocked me... confessed he had had a year long affair around ten years into our marriage with a younger woman at his office.

I was so heartbroken. He was or seemed very sorry and glad to confess.

I asked him to leave for a while. So I could think about it. I was devastated as I thought we had this love and true loyalty throughout all our life. I feel like my life has been a lie or I was deluded. A fool.

He's gone and I miss him. I'm so angry with him, but I also think it was so long ago. Perhaps I can forgive and then I get angry again. I miss him.

OP posts:

Finknottlesnewt · 01/12/2021 23:19

No. Not for me. I would forgive and move on .

If he had really wanted to go he would have.. had the opportunity but decided not to..

You are a LONG TIME DEAD OP ... would you prefer to have spent more or less time with him ? No right or wrong answer ... if you were on your death bed would you be thinking ... I'm glad we got through this .. THIS is the last person I want to see ..OR fuck off you duplicitous fuck wit...

That's the question... answer that and you have your answer.

whiteroseredrose · 01/12/2021 23:27

Goodness. This has just happened to MIL. Sixty years married and just found out FIL had an affair 25 years ago. I'm not sure she will be able to move on.

It was very selfish of your H to tell you. It was obviously a burden for him but tough. He had no right to tell you after all this time. What did he think it would achieve?

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2021 23:32

This happened to someone I know very well although she found out slightly differently. It blew their marriage apart. However what was interesting that she’d always played second fiddle in their marriage and at this point she turned the tables dramatically.

She insisted on having the details, insisted on meeting her and went to some really quite extreme measures which left him in no doubt that she was deadly serious. He was desperate to keep her and changed overnight in the way he behaved.

Many years later I think you’d never guess. They have a great marriage and are happy. It took time, counselling and a very true desire on his part to make amends and, I guess a slow regaining of trust.

HollowTalk · 01/12/2021 23:51

Did he tell you why they split up? Was she is single and if so did she want a life with him?

I hate to say it but I really don't think that men admit to everything at first. I would brace myself for more bad news.

immersivereader · 01/12/2021 23:53

OK I thought you meant like a one night stand, but a year?!

No way

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2021 23:59

He cheated and lied to your face for a year, brilliantly, I might add. A real pro at it. I wonder what else he hasn't told you about.

AllTheSunshine · 02/12/2021 00:02

There'll be more to come out IME.
You'll never be able to trust him again.
I started again in my mid 50s after divorcing my cheating XH and I'm having the absolute time of my life. It's horrific while you go through it though.
Chumplady website will help.

Lalliella · 02/12/2021 00:18

2 of my friends have forgiven their husbands for affairs, and their marriages are stronger now. It can be done, but it needs 100% honesty on his part, genuine and true remorse, and I would recommend couples therapy, to talk it through with an expert. Take it slowly OP, don’t make any rash decisions. He’s a twat to tell you though, there’s really no need. He’s done it for him, to assuage his guilt, not for you. It was really selfish. There’s a lot to unravel OP, take your time

Q123R · 02/12/2021 00:19

What I find significant is the fact he seemed to be trying to get you to confess to having had an affair, so that he could excuse himself. Vile man.

VioletRose91 · 02/12/2021 00:27

If it was one off I’d probably let it go but the fact he had a full blown affair for a year and didn’t own up to it at the time I would find hard to forgive, it would make me incredibly insecure and unable to trust him at all given that he’s been lying to your face for such a long long time.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 02/12/2021 00:27

I'm not sure I would disregard the many happy years you have had (even though he disregarded you years ago)

I suppose the question is whether you're happier with or without him, knowing what he is (or was) capable of.

NowEvenBetter · 02/12/2021 00:29

I’d be repulsed by his crying. Crying for what? Sympathy? Missing his memories of his girlfriend? Gross and manipulative.
The marriage since has been a lie, he’s held back information from you and indulged himself in the drama and lust of having a mistress as you went about what you thought was day to day life.
Could you ever believe a word he says again? Respect him? Admire and cherish him? I sure as fuck couldn’t, but I know that plenty of women would rather have any man at all than be free of a lying, cock-led bloke.

NowEvenBetter · 02/12/2021 00:32

He poured his energy, lies, lust, money, attention and penis into his mistress for month after month after month and didn’t give you the choice to consent to being married to that. Now wants to indulge his conscience with you as collateral 🤮

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 02/12/2021 00:36

@Finknottlesnewt

No. Not for me. I would forgive and move on .

If he had really wanted to go he would have.. had the opportunity but decided not to..

That's the question... answer that and you have your answer.

I think this is sensible advice OP. Don’t end up making a decision you end up regretting for the rest of your life. Yes it’s a shock but it doesn’t have to be over if you don’t want it to be.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 02/12/2021 00:38

And for what it’s worth my husband had a fling with someone behind my back years ago when we were a lot younger and before we got married. I trust him 100% now and know that he loves me. Our relationship has changed over the years I think for the better.

RobbieWeirdicht · 02/12/2021 00:40

@FissionMailed

I couldn't get over it. As far as I'm concerned he may have cheated on you a long time ago, but he's lied to you every single day since then. Couldn't trust that.

This!

You now know what he is because he has shown you - the mere fact that he thought he could 'fess up' now and it would be forgiven because it happened a while ago is in itself unforgivable and shows his utter arrogance AND confidence that you will just get over this with time.

No no no - he is testing your boundaries to see how much you will just sit and suck up while he does this to you time after time.

I'm so sorry OP

swissmodel · 02/12/2021 01:48

@FissionMailed

I couldn't get over it. As far as I'm concerned he may have cheated on you a long time ago, but he's lied to you every single day since then. Couldn't trust that.

Not confessing to an affair, especially when he wasn't asked about it, doesn't equal lying.

OP,

It's different when the affair is current or very recent, when it's bad behaviour that happened many years ago, you wouldcertainly not BU to forgive him.

welliesarefuntowear · 02/12/2021 04:38

You are not alone. No decisions have to be made quickly. Take absolutely all the time you need

Youhaveyourhandsfull · 02/12/2021 04:52

From experience, it’s possible to move on from infidelity (and a similar length relationship).

I know of another couple who have done the same.

So it’s possible, but no one on here can advise you what’s going to work for you. I would say you need to take some time, ideally apart, and work out what you want. He will be desperate to return and understandably so. So go at your pace, and if you decide in a certain amount of time that you want to give it another go, you can change your mind. It’s fine to think you want to stay married and then try and find out actually it’s not worth it. Totally Ok. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Also from experience it takes maybe 18 months to 2 years to get to some sort of ‘normal’ so if you decide to go again, it will be a lot of hard work required. Personally it was worth it for us, but virtually no one I know would have continued with our marriage after what had happened.

Good luck.

Kanaloa · 02/12/2021 04:57

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to forgive him. It’s a very personal decision that can’t be judged by others as reasonable or not - it’s what’s reasonable for you.

For me this would be very very difficult. If you’re going to forgive you need to really forgive in my opinion, and let go of the resentment and anger. I don’t know if I could do that.

Aussiegirl123456 · 02/12/2021 05:11

Oh gosh, you poor thing, that must be a huge shock.
Take all the time you need. I bet you’ll be on a roller coaster of emotions for the foreseeable future but what it ultimately comes down to is if you want to be with him or not, knowing what you do now. Only you can decide going forward.
Will be thinking of you x

EmilyEmmabob · 02/12/2021 06:24

This is awful, sorry OP.

He's told you to ease his guilt, not for any other reason. He managed to be sly and sneaky enough so that you didn't know, I'm sure I'd never trust him ever again.

For me there would be no going back. It's only by sheer luck on his part that it wasn't discovered and now it was so long ago. That doesn't mean it doesn't matter, in fact I think that makes it worse. He doesn't deserve the forgiveness.

DollyParton2 · 02/12/2021 06:31

I couldn’t get over that. My dad cheated on my mum so I know the lasting damage it causes. A year of cheating, betrayal, deception and lying is HUGE.

Keladrythesaviour · 02/12/2021 06:32

Take your time, and don't let him rush you. Tell him that when you said you need space, you meant it.

If you think you may want to salvage things, get booked into couples therapy. This comes with so much emotion and confusion, having an expert help you both communicate and ask the right questions can be invaluable.

My relationship has survived infidelity. Very different to yours but a bombshell nevertheless. I still think about it ten years on (and feel some consequences), but I don't regret my decision. I was told two days after the fact and for a one off event. The reason I stayed is i believed wholeheartedly that our future was worth more than one day. And that has proved to be correct. For all the hurt and upset at the time and afterwards, I wouldn't have sacrificed the last ten years for anything. And we've hopefully got a lot more to go. I also realise we are all human and make mistakes and I knew my husband well enough to see his grief and regret was real.

My biggest issue was the two days in which I wasn't told. I felt that I'd had my consent taken from me, because I wasn't acting on full information. So when we had sex, that was actually under false pretences because if I'd known he has cheated, I wouldn't have had sex with him, and he'd have know that. So we had sex, with him knowing I wouldn't want it if I knew the truth. It's a lie by omission. I found that - and do still find it - very hard to swallow. So for you to have 13 or so years of omission, I don't know if I could cope with that. But that's my struggle, not necessarily yours. Every one will have different trigger points and it will be about working out what yours are.

You say you want the gory details, bit refuse to ask.
Ask.
I insisted on knowing everything. How can you make a decision without it? Was it a FWB sex only situation, or was it an emotional affair? Why did it end? How did it start? How did he arrange it without you knowing. You were blindfolded for that year and without ripping off the blindfold I don't see how you can move forward because you will be constantly guessing and imaging things. To me it's about looking the beast in the eye and deciding if you're prepared to face it. Not knowing is sticking your head in the sand and pretending it didn't happen. But obviously that's my personal choice, not yours!

Good luck, whatever you decide. You are strong enough. His shame is not your shame. Life with him can be achieved, and can be happy. But equally life apart can also be joyful and rewarding. Its a fork in the path, but both options have their rewards.

simpledeer · 02/12/2021 06:41

So sorry OP

I could not forgive a year long affair, and I would be worried about what else I didn't know that he hadn't told me yet.

He has lied to you over and over again. Probably thought he was clever and it was funny.

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