To forgive my husband after infidelity?

[SwaylorTwift]

DH and I have had what I thought was a happy marriage with rough patches (when children were young, money issues in early days, different illnesses and bereavements of parents) but always very in love, like a team, and got through all this to a very happy place now kids have left home.

DH and were having some heart to hearts, playful on my part really, and he shocked me... confessed he had had a year long affair around ten years into our marriage with a younger woman at his office.

I was so heartbroken. He was or seemed very sorry and glad to confess.

I asked him to leave for a while. So I could think about it. I was devastated as I thought we had this love and true loyalty throughout all our life. I feel like my life has been a lie or I was deluded. A fool.

He's gone and I miss him. I'm so angry with him, but I also think it was so long ago. Perhaps I can forgive and then I get angry again. I miss him.

I agree with others that it's all about the magic - the love, faith, trust, belief. Can you get it back? Some people can, better than ever, some people can't. Do what's right for you, that's all you can do now. If you need to drag the break up out so you can be sure what you want one way or the other then do that.

I slept better last night because I think telling you all released a part of my hell.

I have read all your advice and I needed to hear it all.

I am protecting him but not for him, I don't want children to know (yet) because they would have their whole perspective changed like I have. It makes all the happy memories tainted.

I am going to find a counsellor today. And look at chumplady as you suggest.

Mainly I am going to just take my time to think with no contact for a while. Then I'm going meet him and make him tell me everything.

We were booked to stay in a hotel for Xmas with family. I was looking forward to it so much after stressful lockdown year last year. I just can't believe he ruined my life when I supported him emotionally lifted him encouraged his success. I thought we always had a passionate marriage too with nothing lacking.

Anyway he is not the man I thought he was. Not my best friend after all.

Thank you. Mumsnet had been a friend to me for years, amusing and helpful, great with parenting teens years back. Thank you for last night when I needed you.

Hi OP,

Funnily enough i wrote a post titled the same around 2 weeks, after finding out my boyfriend got very drunk and had a one night stand with a stranger (dont know her name) in the club toilet.
I, like you, was heartbroken. I thought our relationship was secure, strong and we were madly in love. I never imagined i would have to deal with this pain.

I am 2 weeks since finding out, and i have decided to try and forgive him. I have spoken to many, many wonderful people on here who have given me excellent guidance and reassurrance, and wanted to let you know that you can private message me any time you like.

Firstly, its okay to not know what you want. Its okay to be missing him one minute and wanting to rip his face off the next. You are managing some serious emotional trauma right now, and he should respect that.
My advice would be if you think there is a part of you that might want to reconcile, bring him back home. Space will only help you to seperate, but being around eachother will be the only way you can decide how you really feel. If you are to work things out, you are going to need to do it together.

His actions will define how you feel. Since finding out myself, my partner has been absolutely perfect in every way. Not through guilt, but what i believe to be remorse. He knows sex is out the window for a long time, but he is working building back our emotional relationship - and because of how hard i can see him working, i feel like i am starting to fall back in love with him again.

I believe it is possible to move past, maybe because thats what i want to believe. But, it will depend on his actions.

For my scenario, the circumstances around what happened i believe are easier to forgive than a fullemotional and physical affair. My partner also told me the minute he saw me, I am not sure how i would feel if i new he had lied to me for 10 years.

As far as asking questions about her - i did that to my partner, and he told me everyhting (that he could remember) - and my advice would be to really think hard if you actually want to know the answers, because you will never forget. I struggle daily with the images and imaginations i am coming up with in my head. Thats one of the hardest parts, and i wish i never asked.

I am so sorry for your pain OP, i wouldnt wish this feeling on my worst enemy.
Only you will know if your relationship is worth saving, it is extremely difficult to move past it, and i am only 2 weeks in so very very fresh but feel i have come on leaps and bounds since - which is mainly down to his actions. I am hopeful i can make my situation work, because i want to. People are quick to say i could never forgive, especially if they have never been in that situation. But dont listen to them, they dont know you, they dont know your life or your relationship.

@cookiemonster2468

Personally I couldn't forgive this.

It feels manipulative that it was so long ago and he is only telling you now - almost like he's hoping you won't care as much because it's all in the past. I'd wonder was that planned all along?

To me, this would not be OK. I'd be treating it the same as if it was happening right now.

Also the person who said this is ridiculous:
Not confessing to an affair, especially when he wasn't asked about it, doesn't equal lying
Of course it does. It's lying by omission. Just because he hasn't explicitly said "I am not having an affair" doesn't mean he has been honest!

Lolz- yeah you could literally get away with murder with that logic, so long as nobody ever directly asked!

A year is a relationship. If he lied about this, what else hasn’t he told you? I don’t think I could trust again.

I don’t think you should bring him back, I think that’s terrible advice. You need time and space for you.

Take him back OP

He managed to lie to you for a year while putting your sexual health at risk as well as putting your family life at risk, you have children and he didn’t give a fuck about the consequences to them and then keeping it a secret all these years has taken the choice away from you, manipulative so and so...

Sorry OP but I don’t think you should take him back, could you ever look at him the same way?

I’m sorry he’s done that to you.

OP, it sounds like you're doing the right thing taking your time and seeing a counselor.

I'm shocked he decided to tell you now after all these years.
If it was truly over, I don't think I'd want to know about something that happened 10 years ago like that.

It is so very selfish to just blow up the marriage like that.

So for 13 years he has kept this from you and now just expects to move on. The cheating I could "maybe" forgive had I been told at the time but playing happy families for 13 years would be too much, especially if I didn't suspect it. He's too good a liar and I could never trust him again after that.

Anyway he is not the man I thought he was. Not my best friend after all.

Juat this, in a nutshell.

It isn't really about forgiving him.

It's about the fact that there isn't a 'him' as you thought it was.

You actually weren't married to the man you thought you were for all those years. He didn't exist. You thought you were in an honest intimate relationship: you weren't. You thought you could trust him with your emotions and health: you couldn't (did they always always use barrier protection? If not - he risked your life, basically).

Now your decision is a. would you now like a new marriage to a man who would do this to his wife - because that's the option on the table, old husband was a mirage - and b. can you live functionally within that marriage after this revelation - ie is it pointless to even try as you know you will be so eaten up by anger and revulsion that it would be a pointless exercise?

You can always try for a bit and change your mind of course.

But the absolute BIGGEST thing is processing that the man you thought he was, doesn't exist.

He won't have thought of it this way, at all. Be prepared for this to be the thing he really can't get his head around. To him - he's just who he always has been (because he's always been a cheat and a liar). You never knew that, and were having a relationship with someone you loved, trusted, and most importantly respected. That... isn't him.

I am always a LTB on these threads because I know I'd never be able to move forward in a positive way and live a genuninely positive life afterwards. It isn't really about forgiveness- I could understand, forgive etc depending on context. I know however that I couldn't totally shift my entire world to suddenly accept being married to, having sex with, someone who was basically this new and rather ugly and frightening stranger - capable of deception I would never have believed.

I couldn't forgive, no. He put your sexual health at risk for months.

@Skeumorph

Anyway he is not the man I thought he was. Not my best friend after all.

Juat this, in a nutshell.

It isn't really about forgiving him.

It's about the fact that there isn't a 'him' as you thought it was.

You actually weren't married to the man you thought you were for all those years. He didn't exist. You thought you were in an honest intimate relationship: you weren't. You thought you could trust him with your emotions and health: you couldn't (did they always always use barrier protection? If not - he risked your life, basically).

Now your decision is a. would you now like a new marriage to a man who would do this to his wife - because that's the option on the table, old husband was a mirage - and b. can you live functionally within that marriage after this revelation - ie is it pointless to even try as you know you will be so eaten up by anger and revulsion that it would be a pointless exercise?

You can always try for a bit and change your mind of course.

But the absolute BIGGEST thing is processing that the man you thought he was, doesn't exist.

He won't have thought of it this way, at all. Be prepared for this to be the thing he really can't get his head around. To him - he's just who he always has been (because he's always been a cheat and a liar). You never knew that, and were having a relationship with someone you loved, trusted, and most importantly respected. That... isn't him.

I am always a LTB on these threads because I know I'd never be able to move forward in a positive way and live a genuninely positive life afterwards. It isn't really about forgiveness- I could understand, forgive etc depending on context. I know however that I couldn't totally shift my entire world to suddenly accept being married to, having sex with, someone who was basically this new and rather ugly and frightening stranger - capable of deception I would never have believed.

This is it a nutshell. He is not the man you thought he was.. I actually think it was selfish of him to tell you after all these years. He has shattered your image of him, but will probably expect you to get over it because it was a long time ago and you have had a happy marriage. He will not understand that the marriage was based on a lie. It would be fearful of someone who could keep this secret for ten years. I am not advising you to LTB as I am not privy to your relationship. However, I know for sure that if this happened to me , I would leave. Not only for my own sake but my dh’s sake. I would make his life a misery and wouldn’t be able to get past the deceit As another poster mentioned , the way he tried to find out if you fancied someone or had an affair is actually quite horrible.

Wow op. I am so sorry.

I don't think you cab be wrong regardless if you choose to stay or split. Its really individual.

But I was reading this, my thoughts about what I would do were centered around the betrayl of the affair. But also manipulation since.

Everyday he has been with you since his affair, he has kept this from you. He has been privy to this information and kept from you so you haven't been able to make a your own decision about your marriage.

He knew he was a cheat. He had all this information that you were entitled to know so you could decide wether to stay on the marriage or not and he kept it from you.

The cheating is bad enough. But he decided it was more important to for him to have what he wanted than it was to tell you and respect your decision about the marriage. That's not a mistake. That's a choice he made everyday.

It feels like, to me, he removed your informed consent to the marriage.

Then he tells you now? Why? Because someone who knows you both has heard about it and told him they know? Because the guilt became too much for him to carry?

Still selfish reasons. And these are the reasons I think cheating is emotional abuse.

A year long affair, the fucker would be lucky to get out of the house with his balls intact.

I think it's emotional abuse, too.

I couldn't forgive that because I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life worrying when it would happen again. If

Another one saying emotional abuse.

If you really look into your heart of hearts has it always been roses for you? Have you consistently felt heard, seen and responded to over the years?
Is it the only time you can think of when he has bent the truth?

I think more people forgive and move on than is generally reflected on these threads. But a year is a long time, and that is more complicated than a one night stand, or even a couple of week fling.

I believe you can work through most things in a marriage, and I'm not sure why infidelity seems to be treated as something so different from any other large scale marital fuck ups. But I think it depends how he behaves about it, and honestly it'll need you to try it and see.

Me, personally,it would be the end. Both my 2nd DH and I were cheated on,(my ex H a tea total,got drunk and fessed up the others had been MALE) so we both agreed this would be the end for us.

I was cheated on at the beginning by my XW. Fast forward 15 years and it happened again. I'm also fairly certain that there were a number of other times, plus EAS...I just never knew about them.

I just don't think people can change who they are at the core.

I don't think it matters too much what other people on here have done / would do

This is your marriage, not ours

The fact that it was years ago is neither here nor there. You have only just found out, so this is recent for you

I would leave.
You don't hurt people you love. If he loved you he wouldn't have done it.

Another one saying take your time and make your own decision.

ExH cheated and I tried v hard to get past it with therapy and couples counselling. Our DC were toddlers so I’m content with myself I did everything possible to save that marriage, but ultimately I discovered he’d never really cut ties. I’m much happier now and do shudder to think if the life I would have led always second guessing and looking over his shoulder.

We did have a heart to heart about it about a year later and I told him I was jealous because he at least got to miss me- the person I thought I’d been married to had never even existed though. He got rather upset about this which I think was probably the first time the penny dropped about why what he’d done was such a betrayal.., the sex was a side effect not the main reason I’d been so devastated.

He has shattered your image of him, but will probably expect you to get over it because it was a long time ago and you have had a happy marriage. He will not understand that the marriage was based on a lie.

Exactly this too. It's why it really isn't that significant that this took place 10 years ago. Today, now, you are discovering that your DH was a mirage and the honest, faithful man you thought you were married to never existed.

It does not matter that it was 10 years ago or whatever. You've just 'lost' him, you could have discovered the truth and 'lost' him a decade ago, but it's happening now.

And the fact that it's long done and dusted doesn't change the fact that he is THIS person who would cheat for a year rather than THAT person who wouldn't. He is still that person, today, now. He just doesn't happen to be actually doing it any more. See also 'it was a mistake' - no, it was a decision. A decision THIS person would have taken, and THAT person wouldn't.

He will probably understand none of that.

And... a year. A YEAR.

That's not a drunken event. That's long, sustained, evil lying and deception.

I could no longer feel safe in any way with a partner capable of that in my bed.