Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To forgive my husband after infidelity?

101 replies

SwaylorTwift · 01/12/2021 22:06

DH and I have had what I thought was a happy marriage with rough patches (when children were young, money issues in early days, different illnesses and bereavements of parents) but always very in love, like a team, and got through all this to a very happy place now kids have left home.

DH and were having some heart to hearts, playful on my part really, and he shocked me... confessed he had had a year long affair around ten years into our marriage with a younger woman at his office.

I was so heartbroken. He was or seemed very sorry and glad to confess.

I asked him to leave for a while. So I could think about it. I was devastated as I thought we had this love and true loyalty throughout all our life. I feel like my life has been a lie or I was deluded. A fool.

He's gone and I miss him. I'm so angry with him, but I also think it was so long ago. Perhaps I can forgive and then I get angry again. I miss him.

OP posts:

Malibuismysecrethome · 02/12/2021 06:45

You have had a long and very happy marriage, but would it have been long and happy had you known about the affair. For me it’s the deceit involved, you were the only one who was in the dark. Maybe that’s naive to trust so much in partners but this makes everything feel fake.

Lampzade · 02/12/2021 06:47

I would be concerned that your ‘d’h is testing the water and that he may have cheated more than once and/or chested more recently.
If the affair happened so long ago he should have taken this secret to his grave.. He obviously wants to alleviate the guilt, but in doing so has hurt you
If you decide to stay with him ,he must be prepared to be completely transparent and must also understand that his affair was a huge betrayal. A whole year of him sleeping with another woman and compromising your sexual health. He owes you an explanation.
So sorry this happened to you and I hope that you are able to eventually find peace whether you decide to stay with him or not.

Mybalconyiscracking · 02/12/2021 06:53

This would turn my whole world 90 degrees, I would doubt everything thought I knew about DH. I could not trust him again.
What the fuck did he tell you for OP?
So cruel!

OhWhyNot · 02/12/2021 07:14

Take your time there is no rush

The trust is broken your relationship will never go back to what it was but that doesn’t mean you can’t move forward that is up to you both not just you don’t fool yourself into thinking you now have the upper hand

Most of all don’t be rushed into anything

Malibuismysecrethome · 02/12/2021 07:20

I think you should try to move past this confession if you have had a happy marriage. Easier said than done, you must be in shock.

starrynight21 · 02/12/2021 07:26

@Q123R

What I find significant is the fact he seemed to be trying to get you to confess to having had an affair, so that he could excuse himself. Vile man.

I agree with this ^

He purposely asked you if you'd ever "liked anybody" as if he was paving the way to tell you and hoped that you'd defuse the situation by confessing a crush or an affair. This wouldn't sit well with me - he lied blatantly to you for a year while he was sleeping with someone else. And he's been lying to you for the last 10 years, just chugging along as if everything is fine and dandy. I couldn't move on from it myself.

Cosmoz · 02/12/2021 07:41

I don’t think anyone is unreasonable to want to try and work on their marriage but it’s whether you feel that over time you can get the trust back. Me personally I couldn’t do it. After finding out both of my parents had affairs I was disgusted with them and told them so. As far as I’m concerned if the relationship is bad or isn’t meeting someone’s needs then get out and leave don’t go and cheat. I’ve been with my dh 20 years and he knows I could forgive a lot but my views on trust and being faithful are very clear and he knows that if he cheated even just once that would be our marriage over.

lizziesiddal79 · 02/12/2021 07:44

@Finknottlesnewt

No. Not for me. I would forgive and move on .

If he had really wanted to go he would have.. had the opportunity but decided not to..

You are a LONG TIME DEAD OP ... would you prefer to have spent more or less time with him ? No right or wrong answer ... if you were on your death bed would you be thinking ... I'm glad we got through this .. THIS is the last person I want to see ..OR fuck off you duplicitous fuck wit...

That's the question... answer that and you have your answer.

This.

Teethhelp · 02/12/2021 07:49

I'm so sorry you are going through this!

I'd ask a few fundamental questions. Why did he start an affair, and how/why did it end? A year is a really long time. And why tell you now?

Your relationship might heal, but it will take a really long time. Give yourself a break too, you're allowed to be angry and you're allowed to be angry for as long as it takes, possibly at random times fo decades.

He has to put the work in, he has to be open and answer any trivial question that you have, and be sensitive to your feelings at any point down the line.

Sending you lots of strength

LavenderAskew · 02/12/2021 07:53

No sure I could forgive and carry on as before.

After a long marriage where you've been under the impression both of you have been viewing the marriage the same. Both of you have been equal in your input and effort, even when it was tough to do so. A belief based purely on love, honesty- ultimately trust.

Then you hear that it was actual only you that made the effort? You've just been allowed think it was a strong team it for their own convenience? It was all words and no action for them. The trust would be broken.

I know people do forgive and carry on and you hear people saying that thie marriage is stronger after an affair, but I just wonder how they know it is stronger really. They it not just another myth the other partner is allowing to perpetuated.

A long affair is different to a one off event. Something one off might be forgivable because it made the guilty party a sudden horror in themselves at what they'd done and a realisation it's not worth riskung the marriage for. But a long affair? That requires a lot of times were they were happy to take the risk and to continue the lie.

As a pp said OP, this is brand new to you and ancient history for him. He's already worked it through and wants the marriage to continue.

You don't have to decide now. Of course you miss him. Of course you miss what you felt you marriage was. It's been your life for for decades.

What you need if for him to be very honest and tell the truth. Not just tell you things to manipulate it to get what he wants. You need to think what you want for the future rather that what you miss and want back.

Mulberry974 · 02/12/2021 07:59

My husband cheated on me for a couple of months 5 years ago. He told me at the time. I've mostly forgiven him but he is my ex husband now. It still hurts after all this time and that's with me not seeing him every day. Its horribly tough and it shatters everything. You cannot do anything or decide anything without space right now.

girlmom21 · 02/12/2021 08:01

I couldn't forgive this simply for the fact that I couldn't trust it was just the one woman. He's only told you to ease his own burden.

He'd have told you at the time if he'd felt guilty.

cookiemonster2468 · 02/12/2021 08:05

Personally I couldn't forgive this.

It feels manipulative that it was so long ago and he is only telling you now - almost like he's hoping you won't care as much because it's all in the past. I'd wonder was that planned all along?

To me, this would not be OK. I'd be treating it the same as if it was happening right now.

Also the person who said this is ridiculous:
Not confessing to an affair, especially when he wasn't asked about it, doesn't equal lying
Of course it does. It's lying by omission. Just because he hasn't explicitly said "I am not having an affair" doesn't mean he has been honest!

cookiemonster2468 · 02/12/2021 08:07

I'd also be worried that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

You know he has the capacity to hide something massive from you for a very long time.

Can you really be sure that this is the only thing he was hiding?

I'm sorry OP :(

Deliaskis · 02/12/2021 08:09

Going against the grain here, but I think it likely I would get over this kind of revelation. DH and I have been married nearly 20 years and like all couples we've had our ups and downs, times when we've felt less connected, and nobody is perfect or easy to live with all if the time. I think I would want to talk about it a lot over a few days, to understand why it happened when it did, what was going wrong for us that meant his head was turned, what does he think about it now, why did he tell me, and why was he upset. And once I had processed that, I would probably think....it was a long time ago, we've grown up together from being only just in our 20s, and this a stupid thing he did over a decade ago, I can probably forgive, if I genuinely feel he's being honest about it now.

I hope nobody jumps on this and says it shows a lack of self respect, we all see things differently, and I wouldn't be forgiving begrudgingly, or in a martyr like fashion, but in a human context.... people do stupid things, people put up with things in marriages that I certainly wouldn't tolerate, but this, after such a time, I think I'd just think... it's in the past, what we have now is more important.

bumblingbovine49 · 02/12/2021 08:13

@Finknottlesnewt

No. Not for me. I would forgive and move on .

If he had really wanted to go he would have.. had the opportunity but decided not to..

That's the question... answer that and you have your answer.

Absolutely. This would be my reply too.

Teethhelp · 02/12/2021 08:18

@Deliaskis of course, there's some opportunity to reflect on a relationship, but HE should have the common bloody sense to have done that when he felt his head was turned before starting up a relationship.
This wasn't a simple head turn as you describe, this was an affair that lasted a year. Please don't downplay this

Comingup · 02/12/2021 08:20

Sorry OP but I couldn't trust him. How do you even know it was only one affair? Such an odd thing to do, confess in a supposed light hearted discussion. Would you not spend the rest of your life watching him for signs he was doing it again? I would, and I couldn't live with that.

supermoonrising · 02/12/2021 08:23

I guess it’s totally a personal decision. I wouldn’t forgive as it’s such a huge breach of trust. Presuming they met up fairly regularly, (ie a few times a month) then a year affair is a different ball game to a ONS or even a two week fling, as obviously there would have been a huge amount of deceit and complicated emotions involved over that time frame. It probably wasn’t just a convenient bit of short term excitement.

supermoonrising · 02/12/2021 08:27

The big difference between a ONS and a log term affair is the disrespect involved. It takes a big amount of disrespect to continually deceive/lie to somebody you live with. I wouldn’t want to rebuild bridges with someone who can lie to your face for a year, because that’s sociopathic behaviour.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/12/2021 08:27

What a terrible shock, and so much to process, all those years that were sitting on a lie. I'm so sorry.

I think only you can know whether the relationship is salvageable, and I think you need to take your time to figure that out. Right now you are probably feeling shocked, traumatised even.

Can you do some counselling? I think you need someone who's totally there for you to help you work out what to do. I imagine your feelings will fluctuate a lot and that must be exhausting for you.

knittingaddict · 02/12/2021 08:27

@Superstar22

If possible, try and get over it. You’ve had a mainly wonderful life and can continue to do that. Don’t let what has been 1/25th of a lovely marriage be ruined for you both now. Yes he was a selfish prick. Yes it’s incredibly hurtful and shocking. But it’s not the future for you, it’s in the distant past. Sending love x

I couldn't disagree more.

This is the OP's present, no matter how long ago it happened. The feelings are raw and haven't had the opportunity for time to blunt the edges. It's painful NOW.

Also she's gone from being with a faithful partner to one who was unfaithful for at least a year. That changes everything for her. Like others I think that an element of downplaying can not be ruled out too.

And while I'm here telling op in a drunken moment was a selfish act to assuage guilt and make himself feel better.

Op needs time to decide whether this is something she can live with or whether her marriage was a lie. Any conclusion she comes to is valid and hers to make.

Sorry op, I haven't read your posts yet, but I hope you find a way through.

Lockheart · 02/12/2021 08:30

Only you can decide if this is something you can work through with him OP. Don't rush into any decisions overnight - take some time and space to clear your head and think. At the moment you will rightly be in shock and you'll find yourself swinging between wanting to kick him out now and wanting to make him stay. Let yourself process this upset first. If you do decide you want to try and make it work, then I'd second the suggestion upthread of couples counselling.

thelegohooverer · 02/12/2021 09:03

I’m probably focusing on the wrong thing but my stomach churned reading the way he was setting you up to tell you this.

You thought you were having a spontaneous and open conversation but he was manipulating it.

How many other times and other ways has he been manipulating, doublespeaking, playing you?

This is the sort of thing that would drive me crazy. I’m sure I sound daft in saying that I’d find it more difficult to live with someone who I can’t trust enough to have a straightforward conversation, than to process sexual infidelity.

I have a sinking feeling that he’s only told you the tip of the iceberg.

And now you’re in a position where you are not being fully honest with your dc. Don’t cover for him.

Darkestdays · 02/12/2021 09:10

I am so, so sorry

How awful after such a long marriage. I've recently discovered ongoing infidelity, amongst other things, and ended my marriage whilst pregnant and caring for a toddler. It's been hard. Leaving the family home, moving back in with parents, unsettling toddler, becoming a single mother to a newborn. He tried to manipulate me in to staying and I would be lying if there weren't multiple times I thought how much easier it would be to stay as it would be only me it would hurt. But ultimately it would never be the same. It was truly broken beyond repair.

Admittedly my situation is a lot different, but now the fog is somewhat clear I am so so glad I didn't back down, or I'd still be going through the worst of it now and not looking at better days.

All I'm saying is you know deep down, in your gut, if the magic truly is gone. If it is, my advice would be to leave now and you can be looking at brighter times rather than delayed heartbreak.

I'm thinking of you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5