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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how stay at home mums do it?

105 replies

CopperCloud · 01/12/2021 15:35

I have an 8 week old baby and I'm struggling to work out how I'll be able to go back to a full time job as I don't have family who can help with caring for the baby and it seems to defeat the point of working if I spend all my wages on childcare.

My partner earns 35k a year, would it mean us both just living off his income?

OP posts:
Harsharse · 01/12/2021 15:36

Childcare comes out of both your wages, not just his.

Harsharse · 01/12/2021 15:36

Not just yours even. Sorry.

ErickBroch · 01/12/2021 15:39

Nursery is not just your responsibility. You would go back to work and the cost of nursery would come from both your salaries.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/12/2021 15:41

I think what OP means is the financial benefit of her going back to work is erased by the cost of childcare. So the same amount goes in and comes out of the family pot. Not that only she would be paying the childcare.

Yes OP, SAHP generally survive off one salary plus child benefits if applicable

BirdIsland · 01/12/2021 15:41

I found working so important for my mental health. We also don't have anyone to help with childcare and pay £1k+ a month on nursery fees. But I'm maintaining my career for future, and as PP says, costs are a joint expense.

cadburyegg · 01/12/2021 15:43

it seems to defeat the point of working if I spend all my wages on childcare.

Even if all of one wage does go on childcare to start with, the cost of childcare decreases over time as your child gets older whilst your earning potential will only go up over time you are in employment. You will also keep your job in this time instead of taking a few years out and often having to start all over. Pension contributions are also a consideration. If you aren't married, the person not working is in a insecure financial position if the relationship ever breaks down, because the non resident parent would only ever have to pay you maintenance.

I'm not saying don't be a SAHP. But plenty of people spend more than their earnings on nursery fees when they return to work, and that's the way they look at things.

I also agree that childcare fees should come out of both you and your partner's wage, not just one.

The vast majority of my mum friends work in some capacity. Those who are SAHMs are able to do so because they have lower outgoings and/or their partners earn very high wages

icedcoffees · 01/12/2021 15:46

@Harsharse

Childcare comes out of both your wages, not just his.
I don't understand why people say this. The end result is the same - childcare swallows an entire wage.

If you then factor in things like commuting costs on top, many people can't afford to have two working parents. It doesn't matter that the childcare is technically split between both parents if full-time nursery means you can't afford to pay the bills.

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 01/12/2021 15:46

I did it but we sacrificed stuff. Plus when we got married we bought a house on the basis of one salary only so that we had the choice to stay at home. However I'm in a cheaper part of the UK so not always poss to do this!

EezyOozy · 01/12/2021 15:48

The OP probably meant that the family pot won't be any better off if she works due to the cost of childcare. Some children get some funded hours from 2, most/all get some funded hours from 3. Some people have grandparents to help for free, while
don't. And yes, if you became a SAHM you'd need to live off one income.

simpledeer · 01/12/2021 15:49

If you don't have free childcare then you either survive on one wage and SAH, go back FT and try to get a promotion to offset cost of childcare, or return PT working hours that fit around other parent.

I went for the last option and it worked really well for us. I didn't work FT until youngest was 13 and I worked in an industry where it was still possible to have career progression whilst working PT.

Coffeepants · 01/12/2021 15:49

People always say this but it’s irrelevant if the overall effect on the household income is still that you’re no better off after working and paying for childcare. In that scenario, I would either look for something that pays more if that’s an option or alternatively SAHM

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 15:55

For us the long term benefits makes childcare worth it but we decided that before we TTC.

In May we'll be paying for two lots of full time childcare which I think equates to about one full time minimum wage job where we live, but in a few years the kids will be at school and we'll have both been able to continue our careers, get annual pay increases, contribute to pensions etc.

Suzanne999 · 01/12/2021 15:57

I was in the same position as you, albeit quite a long time ago. Childcare would have exceeded what I earned at the time so we lived off one wage and were barely scraping by for several years. I managed to study and get some qualifications while the girls were still small so when they started school I could get a better paid job.
I think it’s a case of discussing it with your partner and deciding what’s best for your family. Do the maths factoring in your travel costs to work, extra clothes etc…

peachgreen · 01/12/2021 16:02

You don't just work for the money, though. You work to continue your NI contributions (and therefore pension payments), to maintain your skills, to build up your years service/experience, and to ensure you don't have a career break that makes it harder to get back into work.

I went back PT for this reason and I'm SO glad I did because DH died when DD was 3 and I'm now the sole provider. It would have been so much harder if I'd been a SAHM.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 01/12/2021 16:03

Re comments about the cost of childcare being a joint expense.

People always say this but it’s irrelevant if the overall effect on the household income is still that you’re no better off after working and paying for childcare. In that scenario, I would either look for something that pays more if that’s an option or alternatively SAHM

It is a mindset shift - yes, in the short term costs of childcare might feel prohibitive, but it isn't irrelevant when over, say, ten years a mother who stays in the workforce will have been continuing to pay into a pension, have continuous service as an employee, have kept skills current, got pay rises and maybe promotions

LakeShoreD · 01/12/2021 16:04

Childcare is really expensive for a baby but the cost drops a lot as they get older as ratios increases, then once funded hours kick in and again when they’re at school so it’s just wrap around care. So it may eat up your entire salary initially but by staying in work you’re setting yourself up to be much better off in only a few short years. Unless your job is one that you can easily leave for a years and jump straight back in where you left - if it is then absolutely I’d consider taking some extra time off.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 01/12/2021 16:04

That is, assuming the childcare costs aren't completely prohibitive

Orangesandlemons77 · 01/12/2021 16:04

NI conts are covered by child benefit

skodadoda · 01/12/2021 16:08

@BirdIsland

I found working so important for my mental health. We also don't have anyone to help with childcare and pay £1k+ a month on nursery fees. But I'm maintaining my career for future, and as PP says, costs are a joint expense.
I think maintaining your career is important. You wouldn’t be permanently spending a whole salary on childcare.
LadyCleathStuart · 01/12/2021 16:09

It always amazes me how people don't figure this out until after they have had a baby.

hotmeatymilk · 01/12/2021 16:10

The first year back was an absolute fucker for us and, yes, we barely broke even on the family pot. But I’ve got a year of pension and NI contributions for that year, got a different job off the back of it, and was recently headhunted by a contact I made, and once she hit 2 the fees dropped (infinitesimally) because the ratio changes. At 3 we’ll get the funded hours… but aiming for a second baby so we’ll be utterly screwed Grin

To me it was worth going back. Also because I was climbing the walls by the end of maternity – vs the start when I couldn’t imagine working ever, who had the time when there was a baby to stare at in wonder? I’m at home today with a poorly and ferocious 3yo DD and thanking my lucky stars I’m not home with her all the time, it’s blowing a gale here and she’s been furious since 5am.

The “oh fuck all our money is going on childcare what is the point” years are short. It’s worth it to me to stay senior and known in my company/industry so I have more flexibility when she’s in school, plus funds for wraparound, vs starting again after years at home and trying to find something flexi around school.

EvilPea · 01/12/2021 16:12

One thing I didn’t realise (and it’s obvious really) in terms of your career length it’s only a short time you have to pay excruciating childcare. It does quickly reduce.
Someone recently called it an investment in your career. And it is.
I gave up my ‘big job’ as it was very anti family. Im stuck in low pay now as my experience is so out of date.

Parusmajor · 01/12/2021 16:12

We've more than halved our income now that we have a child. But both had property around London to sell so we combined the equity and bought a house we could afford on just my husband's salary until our child goes to nursery when older, when I will go back part time to start with.

It's tight and little room for extras like holidays but we are very lucky to have parents who help us a lot.

icedcoffees · 01/12/2021 16:13

It is a mindset shift - yes, in the short term costs of childcare might feel prohibitive, but it isn't irrelevant when over, say, ten years a mother who stays in the workforce will have been continuing to pay into a pension, have continuous service as an employee, have kept skills current, got pay rises and maybe promotions

Unfortunately, not everyone can afford to think long-term in that respect, though. If paying for full time nursery wipes out more than one person's full-time wage and leaves it impossible to pay the bills, then there's often no choice but for the lower earner to stay home.

It's all very well saying "plan ahead" but life doesn't always work out the way we plan, and I bet very, very few people plan financially to be able to afford full-time childcare for twins or triplets, or children with severe SN or learning difficulties etc.

Parusmajor · 01/12/2021 16:14

I should have said, financially help us as we don't live near any family so it's either one of us looking after our child or nursery. I didn't want nursery until 3 so I am at home until then.