To ask how stay at home mums do it?

[CopperCloud]

I have an 8 week old baby and I'm struggling to work out how I'll be able to go back to a full time job as I don't have family who can help with caring for the baby and it seems to defeat the point of working if I spend all my wages on childcare.

My partner earns 35k a year, would it mean us both just living off his income?

It always amazes me how people don't figure this out until after they have had a baby.
If we all stopped and crunched the numbers, or for that matter actually listened to people describe their real-life experiences of parenthood, no one would have kids.

Often people are prepared for maternity leave as that’s the first bit to think about, and is easier to compute. I don’t know anyone who researched childcare fees before TTC. Everyone just has their mad hormone blinkers on, staring at ovulation sticks and pissing endlessly in-between scheduling sex and frantically googling “1dpo mild cramp should I do a magick ritual”, surely.

@LadyCleathStuart

It always amazes me how people don't figure this out until after they have had a baby.

If everyone sat down and figured out the cost of children before having them, nobody would ever do it.

Anyway, did you sit down and figure out how you'd pay for everything if you ended up carrying twins or triplets, or if your baby was born disabled or with such severe SN that they could never attend childcare or even school?

I very much doubt even 5% of parents out there did that.

I don’t know anyone who researched childcare fees before TTC.

That's mad. Why would you not?

My DS is 8 months. I'm the main earner and DH doesn't earn enough to cover childcare (he'd be left with about £100 a month after we'd paid tax and childcare for working full time).

I have returned to work. I planned to do 12 months Mat leave but honestly, i got to a point where i was watching the clock for bed time and just wasnt enjoying my lovely snuggly DS as much as i should have been.

I returned to work, DH is now a full time SAHP and it's absolutely brilliant. I earn £48k working 4 days a week; on my non working day DH does a shift in a local pub and he also does a half day shift at the weekend because he felt he'd need that time for his own mental health and I fully agreed.

The way we approached the finances was sat down and worked out how much we realistically needed. Not just to cover bills etc but also averaging out what we spend on clothes, treats etc as well. We also evaluated whether that extra £100 was worth DH working full time and we came to the decision that he would be happier looking after DS at home than working, so that was that.

No one can answer the questions for you here OP, but I would wait a few months before you start making decisions. 8 weeks post partum is very very early and at the moment you just want to be with your baby. You might feel that way in 12 months time, 5 years time etc but you also might not and either of those things is ok.

At 8 weeks all i wanted to do was curl up on the sofa with my boy and never leave. I thought I'd feel that way forever and was desperately thinking of ways I could avoid going back to work. Now though, I don't love DS a single bit less (i enjoy him so much more at this age!) but I find working makes me a much better mum. Im more fun and relaxed around him, we giggle more and I'm back to finding every little thing he does just brilliant. I lost that when we were home together 24/7 i think.

Do what's best for you, but don't make any decisions yet

My dh earns around 35k a year. We managed perfectly well on that for 4 years by only having 1 car and doing cheap caravan holidays.
I got a better job than my previous one a month after dd started school. It can be done.

I used a childminder after DD was born, but we moved cities just after DS was born and the thought of finding a new job and childcare for two was too much to deal with. I was a SAHM for six years and was amazed at how much I enjoyed it. Money was extremely tight, but we coped - we're very low maintenance as a family. I made some good friends, who I still hang out with. I got a part-time job in an sector new to me two weeks after the youngest started school and was working full-time by the time the youngest went to secondary school. I was lucky not to have to pay for childcare when they were at school, apart from the occasional holiday club. No family close by to help. First overseas holiday was when the youngest was eleven. Now that we're putting the youngest one through his final year of university, we're suddenly flash with cash and don't know what to do with it!

I've just gone back after three years at home and DC being in nursery. You'll be fine.

As loads of people have said, childcare comes out of both of your salaries, not just yours.

In the short term, of course that can might mean that it is almost financially not worth it (depending on your salary). But that does not take into account:
-childcare is short term and will eventually get cheaper
-your earning power will increase if you stay in work (even part time). If you are out of the workplace it wont.
-long term finances such as pension and NI which contribute to your state pension.
-your financial independence.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. But you have to see it as a shared cost and look at finances in the long term.

@Conflictedboobs

My DS is 8 months. I'm the main earner and DH doesn't earn enough to cover childcare (he'd be left with about £100 a month after we'd paid tax and childcare for working full time).

I have returned to work. I planned to do 12 months Mat leave but honestly, i got to a point where i was watching the clock for bed time and just wasnt enjoying my lovely snuggly DS as much as i should have been.

I returned to work, DH is now a full time SAHP and it's absolutely brilliant. I earn £48k working 4 days a week; on my non working day DH does a shift in a local pub and he also does a half day shift at the weekend because he felt he'd need that time for his own mental health and I fully agreed.

The way we approached the finances was sat down and worked out how much we realistically needed. Not just to cover bills etc but also averaging out what we spend on clothes, treats etc as well. We also evaluated whether that extra £100 was worth DH working full time and we came to the decision that he would be happier looking after DS at home than working, so that was that.

No one can answer the questions for you here OP, but I would wait a few months before you start making decisions. 8 weeks post partum is very very early and at the moment you just want to be with your baby. You might feel that way in 12 months time, 5 years time etc but you also might not and either of those things is ok.

At 8 weeks all i wanted to do was curl up on the sofa with my boy and never leave. I thought I'd feel that way forever and was desperately thinking of ways I could avoid going back to work. Now though, I don't love DS a single bit less (i enjoy him so much more at this age!) but I find working makes me a much better mum. Im more fun and relaxed around him, we giggle more and I'm back to finding every little thing he does just brilliant. I lost that when we were home together 24/7 i think.

Do what's best for you, but don't make any decisions yet

Excellent stuff here. Until fathers see childcare as a joint responsibility, we'll get nowhere.

You’re not married? And not wealthy? Then it’s advisable to continue to work FT as your personal earning ability is vital.

I should have added, don’t see it as a barrier to going back to work if you want to (if you want to be a SAHP then totally fair enough!)

OP, you refer to your partner so I presume you are not married. In that case you really need to think hard about keeping your career going as, if you split with your DP you will only be entitled to basic CMS maintenance for your DC and absolutely nothing for yourself. Many unmarried SAHMs have been caught by this and they all thought their partner would look after them if they split.

Apart from that, don't forget about the pension and NI contributions giving you rights to workplace and state pensions plus the value of keeping up your career at it's current level. It can be monumentally difficult to come back to work at the same level after a few years out.

Think of it as long term investment in your financial well-being. There are only a few short years and DC are in full time school. Before that the free pre school nursery hours will reduce the bill. Definitely worth doing in your position even if you are only breaking even to start with.

@Hillarious absolutely agree. Women have to see it that way too. I had a lot of push back from friends (who are total feminists!) who argued that 'babies need their mum' - well yes they do, but by being at work I'm not putting DS in a basket and floating him off down a river

They just couldnt compute that a man is as capable of caring for a baby as a woman is and that DH is as equally able to love DS as I am. DH bless him takes DS to baby group twice a week and gets a similar reaction but I think he quite enjoys explaining our situation; I think he's quite proud to be a SAHD!

Personally I think childcare expenses are a "joint" expense, but actually should be weighted so more comes out of the higher earner's expenses as they are the one that can afford them (like with all household expenses).

We have a similar setup currently as @Conflictedboobs with 8 month old twins and my husband at home with them whilst I work full time.

However, he will be going back to work when they are a year old and I will be paying for the majority of the childcare as I earn more. His current salary doesn't cover childcare, but he is looking for a better job and to earn more and he will contribute more to childcare if he does get a better job.

I'm a SAHM, my baby is young and I plan to stay home until he's 2 then do a college course part time to do a more family friendly job.

I did 2 years woth my first too.

Husband wages plus some universal credit, effectively the amount that used to be called child tax credit.

If your husband is on 35k gross then I'd have though you'll qualify for some universal credit.

Go online to www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=91c53c0c-30d0-46de-a7bc-db11ca0fa40c

This calculator will give you a good idea of what you'll get.

@Dozer

You’re not married? And not wealthy? Then it’s advisable to continue to work FT as your personal earning ability is vital.

This is actually a really really good point. When we made the decision for DH to stay at home, although we're married I've made sure that in the event something happens to me, he and DS are well taken care of.

Before we were married we also had a thing on the mortgage that meant my deposit was ring fenced and in the event we split up, DH would receive half the profit after that from the sale even though it's me who pays the mortgage. This is important because it recognizes his contribution in enabling me to work (in the event we had children before marriage) by taking care of the childcare. If you're not planning to get married, make sure you're on the mortgage in some capacity.

Since I do have some time (funnily not that much as these two make it quite hard to think and do admin) I am thrifty and get coupons and discount codesm rewards schemes on things I'd nornally need to shop for, cashback for new energy or phone contracts etc. All adds up over time and makes things a little easier

The initial couple of years are very expensive but after that the costs decrease gradually and it means you maintain (or sometimes increase) your salary and career.
You have to think in terms of some financial autonomy as well - I like to spend money on some nonsense and I prefer to waste my salary on this.
I have seen a few too many women really kill off their careers. And when the kids are teenagers they have no pension, nor own money nor ability to re-enter work. If a divorce happens then the mess is awful.

You say partner OP. Are you married? Look at CAB guide to differences between living together and married.
I wouldn’t contemplate SAHM unmarried. There’s no mechanism to recognise your contribution if you split eg no recourse to his pension or a bigger share of house.
If you stop working could you easily get another job in a few years when baby older or if he leaves/dies.
It’s often easier to go part time from your existing job if that’s what you want then get a pt job when they go to school.
Effect on career - a few years out can mean career prospects and salary harmed for years to come.
Loss of pension.
As a sahm you end up default parent making it harder when you do try to work - he expects you to take all sick days and work around him.
How are finances and your overall set up. Being a sahm with money for coffees and baby classes and lots of mum friends is very different to being stuck in a flat up 2 flights of stairs with no money. Do you have access to family money? How is his attitude to you spending ‘his’ money.

People always say this but it’s irrelevant if the overall effect on the household income is still that you’re no better off after working and paying for childcare. In that scenario, I would either look for something that pays more if that’s an option or alternatively SAHM

It is important to point that it's a joint expense because it it clearly impacts on some women's decision to return to work or not.
It's important to acknowledge that childcare isn't just the responsibility of women

I'm a SAHM but I work a couple of evenings doing freelance, so I do earn some money and could increase my earning power if I needed it. Currently I only earn about £250 a month so we do mainly live off DHs salary.

There are pros and cons to both choices. Many people on here will argue very vehemently that their way is the right way but only you can decide really

Also if you are thinking of number 2 you get maternity pay if you are working, nothing if sahm.
There’s a mechanism to get your NI paid as a none working sahm until child 12 I believe.
Other option is to look for a job opposite shifts or evenings/weekends.
Some jobs you’ll need to factor in retraining or renewing registration if they lapse.

I stayed at home, had the kids close together and went back once in primary part time. Means I don't have a lucrative career but I love my job in a non profit org

More to think about than just short term loss of the wage - lack of pension payments for you, loss of a job and potentially a career. Childcare is only very expensive the first few years, then gets a lot cheaper