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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how stay at home mums do it?

105 replies

CopperCloud · 01/12/2021 15:35

I have an 8 week old baby and I'm struggling to work out how I'll be able to go back to a full time job as I don't have family who can help with caring for the baby and it seems to defeat the point of working if I spend all my wages on childcare.

My partner earns 35k a year, would it mean us both just living off his income?

OP posts:
NeedAHoliday2021 · 01/12/2021 18:49

They are in nursery for the smallest time. From age 3 it’s subsidised then they start school. I went part time to keep my hand in so I was able to get back on my career path. I’m still one rung below dh (same career but different organisations) but was above dh pre dc.

I think it depends if you’re career focused or just working for money. We learned to budget hard with me being part time and live on very little. Dh still struggles to accept we have 2 incomes now.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 01/12/2021 18:49

Dc are all in school now.

SophieHatterPendragon · 01/12/2021 18:55

We don’t earn mega bucks 35k for a family of 5 to live off is south west. Enough for all the bills a few treats if we budget well.

museumum · 01/12/2021 18:56

It’s about how you want your family life to be. Don’t think of them as a 1/2/3 year old, think about how you want life to be from 5 to 15 and beyond.
For us it was important to parent roughly equally in the longer term, to share pick up and drop off, to be equal partners in our home, which meant paying to keep my career alive in the nursery years.

It know works for many but we would really really hate to have one parent doing all the paid work and one all the home and parenting. We both feel that if we did that we’d grow apart with our lives so different.

3WildOnes · 01/12/2021 19:00

Yes, when I was a SAHM we survived on just my husbands wage.

Shmithecat2 · 01/12/2021 19:05

@girlmom21

I don’t know anyone who researched childcare fees before TTC.

That's mad. Why would you not?

Because all a baby needs is love! Ad nauseam....
oviraptor21 · 01/12/2021 19:06

It's all very well saying keep on working but if the net result is that there is less money coming in then sometimes the books just don't balance.

In May we'll be paying for two lots of full time childcare which I think equates to about one full time minimum wage job where we live

So lucky. Round here one lot of nursery fees is £73 per day for a 0-2 year old, £63 for 3-5.
Minimum wage for an eight hour day is £72. Even without travel expenses it's just not worth it.

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 19:30

@oviraptor21 yeah we're definitely in an area with cheap childcare. I think ours is £42 a day including all meals and also includes nappies and wipes for under 2s

Onatree · 01/12/2021 19:46

@HappyMeal564 nope. The op said does the financial aspects of working not defeat the whole point of working. It absolutely is within reason to then respond about the “whole point of working”. If the OP then comes back - as one might in any discussion and debate - to say that for her the “whole point of working” is even balance sheets for X years then great! But it is entirely within reasonable discussion and debate to disagree that X or Y is not, arguably, the “whole point of working”. Absolutely nothing wrong was said by me, no incorrect information shared, and nothing irrelevant added. If you have difficulties with my post please do feel free to report it.

PlumManor · 01/12/2021 19:49

I paid my entire salary on child care for two D.C. for years but I was conscious that if I gave up work I wouldn’t be getting the pension contributions & salary increases and would unlikely get a job at the same career level when I went back to work.

I also hated being at home, so I went back and worked for what seemed like nothing.

shinynewapple21 · 01/12/2021 19:52

Depending on what kind of work you do - is it worth working effectively for nothing for a couple of years to hold your job open and stay on the career ladder, or is it something you would be able to resume fairly easily if you took time out?

Do you think you are the kind of person who would be happy at home all day with your baby/ young child? Do you need adult company and mental stimulation outside of mother and baby groups?

Have you worked out how much you will need to live on for your mortgage/rent, food, bills etc and a bit extra?

Is returning to work part time a possibility ? (To my mind gets best of both worlds but some child care providers only take on full day basis, and is not compatible with some roles/career paths)

Are you planning more children? Often I have seen mothers return to full time working after one child, but when a second comes along, the combination of the cost and tiredness means they give up at that point .

Does your job involve shifts which would make child care difficult?

Is there any flexibility in your partner's work?

Often a child minder is cheaper than a nursery .

HappyMeal564 · 01/12/2021 19:55

@Onatree I didn't say you said anything wrong or irrelevant, you just came across as quite angry and aggressive with your NO NO NO and your general tone. In my opinion of course.

Of course there is no need for me to be reporting, have a good evening 🙂

PooWillyNameChange · 01/12/2021 20:00

My wages will mostly be swallowed up by 2 in nursery but I'm going back after 9 months anyway because:

If I leave work for 3+ years I'll miss out on progression/pay rise opportunities
I may end up not finding such a senior role/having to take a pay cut/struggle to get my foot back in the door at all
It will allow me to have a few hours a day where I am just me
If DH and I broke up and had to sell this place I would face all of the above issues and probably end up on universal credit in the short term and have to buy either a really cheap house with equity or struggle to rent with no proof of income

Staying in the workplace is an investment in yourself. If you desperately want to stay home for this time, that's another thing, but I don't think the financial argument holds. It's such short term thinking.

Harsharse · 01/12/2021 20:02

Having seen many of my friends split with their DH in their 40s who are now financially screwed with no hope of ever earning a decent salary and a family dynamic that means they will always be default parent, I’m very pleased I didn’t give up work and become reliant on a man.

That should be the driving force for not giving up work. Even if just pt to keep up the pension contributions and keep a hand in. Especially if you have a job that you’ve worked hard to get. It’s often very hard to get back into the workforce if you’ve had a big gap.

I also can’t believe how many people choose to have 2, knowing full well that childcare will mean they can’t afford to work and then moan about not being able to afford to work. It is possible to have a gap larger than 2-3 years and still have siblings that are close. It seems to be bandied about as the ideal and something people feel they have to do. When I said I was waiting until my oldest was in school to have another, people looked at me like I had 2 heads!

ChinesechickenZ · 01/12/2021 20:08

We're having twins due in Feb and have started looking into nursery fees. It's absolutely baffling how people can afford 2 lots of childcare at once on a "normal" household income. We have been quoted £1696 a month for 3 days childcare each week Shock

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 01/12/2021 20:11

Could you both go down to 4 days a week (e.g. one work Monday to Thursday, one Tuesday to Friday)? That would reduce the number of days in nursery but would mean both of you maintain your careers

peboh · 01/12/2021 20:12

I'm a sahm currently to dd. However this wasn't a decision dh and I made lightly. We sat down and went through all our financials with just one wage, could we afford not only essential things like bills, utilities etc but could we also afford a nice lifestyle, the ability to take our child out for days out, nice holidays and such.
I have savings, and have kept those tucked away and untouched incase of a relationship breakdown, emergency etc. it's money that would tide me going long enough until I could find work if we were to separate before I go back to work. Another thing to consider, would be things like long term sick.
My dh came down with an illness in may that saw him spending 6 months in hospital, and whilst he's home and recovering now, he could be out of work for another 6-12 months. His work have an insurance scheme that pay a percentage of his wages for up to two years whilst on long term sick, so we're still fine financially.
Whilst these things seem rare, you really do have to consider them before making the choice to rely on one income.

RowanAlong · 01/12/2021 20:42

Yes, we scrimp on one salary (planned this before kids, and took deliberately small mortgage) so that I can be with my children, my choice. Just about squeaking through until youngest starts school next year, then I’ll be looking for part-time work again.

TellMeItsPossible · 01/12/2021 20:46

I fervently, ardently, intensely regret not building a career when my children were small, but that's largely because my ex left us in the lurch when our eldest was 16 and I had to scramble and figure something out. I've managed, but it's taken a lot out of me. If I'd already had a career I would have been more protected, in a lot of ways, not least of which is an actual proper pension.

FabriqueBelgique · 01/12/2021 20:51

@LadyCleathStuart

It always amazes me how people don't figure this out until after they have had a baby.
I don’t know about that, life is crazy for everyone at the moment and that’s not a simple decision. 11 months goes by in a flash - maybe 9 months ago she had no idea there was a baby coming? We don’t know the ins and outs.
cruffin · 01/12/2021 20:52

Do not give up your career etc if you're not married, as PP have explained.

HarrisMcCoo · 01/12/2021 20:58

"35k is a good wage but hard to support a family on."

We do fine on a fairly similar wage, and don't struggle. Live in affordable part of the UK though. Each to their own. We are not rich, but at the same time we don't count the pennies, and do food shopping whenever needed. Trips out happen regularly.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/12/2021 21:34

Financially, the thing to keep in mind is by going back to work you keep your career going, so you’ll be able to earn a decent salary for the rest of your life, even if you loose the pre-school years on childcare. If you quit long term, you may loose any real earning power for good. This makes you vulnerable because you’re depending on your husband, and your family vulnerable because you are all depending on one income.

So I’d find a way to at least go back PT.

Fairyfalls · 01/12/2021 22:08

My advice based on experience is think long term and consider your pension.

oviraptor21 · 01/12/2021 23:10

If you're going to be out of work for only a few years - say maximum 5 - I don't think it makes a lot of difference when you do go back, especially if you go back full time. If you take any longer off then it may be difficult to make up the lost years.