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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how stay at home mums do it?

105 replies

CopperCloud · 01/12/2021 15:35

I have an 8 week old baby and I'm struggling to work out how I'll be able to go back to a full time job as I don't have family who can help with caring for the baby and it seems to defeat the point of working if I spend all my wages on childcare.

My partner earns 35k a year, would it mean us both just living off his income?

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 01/12/2021 16:50

Are you married? If not I’d not look at being a SAHM as a viable option.

EmpressCixi · 01/12/2021 16:50

I note you said “partner”. So not married? If not married absolutely do not give up working FT and ensure the nursery costs are paid by both of you equally.

If you are married, then you do have decision to whether SAHM or not. If you do, ensure you claim child benefit so your state pension entitlement is kept up. And ensure your partner funds a private pension for you so you don’t lose out on what your employer pension would be for the years you are out of work. Ensure joint account for all household expenses and an agreed disposable amount of spending money from him to you in your account every month as well.

EezyOozy · 01/12/2021 16:52

Good point about not giving up work if not married

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 01/12/2021 16:54

It was hard but in hindsight I’m glad to have taken the time when they were 0-3. I appreciate the challenges and I appreciate the joys of working more now. From three childcare is also a lot less expensive (unless you have a baby!). Personally I didn’t want to leave my baby because I knew I couldn’t afford the kind of quality childcare (I.e. a nanny) that a baby needs.

HappyMeal564 · 01/12/2021 16:55

We've always seen money as household money. My husband earns around 40k and we have no family around to help. Due to the nature of his job i can't work evenings or weekends because of his work pattern. My wage would have covered childcare with a couple of hundred left over to cover travelling to work. I would've been the one taking unpaid leave whenever kids were sick but we'd still be paying the nursery, stuck in traffic so incurring late charges etc, if it happened a couple of times a month I'd actually pay more in childcare than wages earnt so we decided best I stay home. If the weekly child benefit is in your name and your NI contributions will be paid. He does work alot of overtime but financially we do fine. I do get quite lonely, that's the only downside to the situation. I'm also not worried about finding work later on in life, I have lots of experience, I'll be able to find something or maybe even be able to go back to college and retrain

PicaK · 01/12/2021 16:56

People often forget to factor in pension contributions to the sahm budget.
And also to take a long term view of losses in earning potential.

MrsColon · 01/12/2021 16:58

Don't give up work if you're not married, it's so risky.

The early years are tough with childcare, but it really is an investment in your future career/earnings. At 8 weeks old you of course can't imagine leaving your baby at childcare, but things are different when they're older and less dependent on you.

Plantsandpuddlesuits · 01/12/2021 16:59

I've been a SAHM for almost 15 years, I was a housewife before I became a SAHM.

In the early days it was a struggle living off one salary but now we are much more comfortable.

HarrisMcCoo · 01/12/2021 17:02

@Alittlenonsensenowandthen

I did it but we sacrificed stuff. Plus when we got married we bought a house on the basis of one salary only so that we had the choice to stay at home. However I'm in a cheaper part of the UK so not always poss to do this!
That's how we did it too. Work from worse case scenario to start with. Modest house. Mortgage deliberately based on one income only.
GertrudeBElion · 01/12/2021 17:05

Childcare costs go down, the cost of living always goes up.

For me, the NI/pension contributions, wage rises and advancement in my job were totally worth the initial pain (which was admittedly, galling)

StrongLegs · 01/12/2021 17:26

I've been a SAHM for 11 years. I think it's a hugely personal decision tbh. I couldn't have handed over ds, as it just was what I'd always wanted to stay at home with him. However, I had thought a lot about the finances of it in advance.

Wotsitsits · 01/12/2021 17:43

I paid £10 a day to go to work for 3 of the last 4 years, when DC1 was in nursery. Cost of nursery + car parking + fuel was -£10 a day vs money earned per day.

It was worth it because

  1. My mental health benefits from an interesting work day
  2. I am now more senior in my career
  3. I kept paying into my pension
  4. DH wasn't made 100% responsible for earning, this is good for his MH
  5. I wasn't made 100% responsible for DC/housework, this is good for my MH

Look carefully at the salary and the tax rates. Use a tax calculator and a pro rata calculator. I stayed at 3 days a week for as long as I could because it saved me money overall - due to the cost of parking versus the jump in taxation relative to daily earnings.

Original poster
CopperCloud · 01/12/2021 18:08

Appreciate everyone's input, as it's give me a fair bit to think about!

With regards to referring to him as my partner, we are due to get married next month so I'd like to hope we won't split up before then!

OP posts:
Dozer · 01/12/2021 18:10

There are still big personal risks not earning money / staying in the labour market even if married. But at least SOME potential access to shared assets in the event of divorce.

I’m married and excepting ill health of anyone in the family or other unexpected things wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on DH.

doodleygirl · 01/12/2021 18:13

If you are not married you will put yourself in a very precarious position by giving up work.

Fleur405 · 01/12/2021 18:14

Also remember you may be eligible for some help towards childcare via the government’s childcare scheme. www.gov.uk/childcare-calculator?step-by-step-nav=f237ec8e-e82c-4ffa-8fba-2a88a739783b

Youseethethingis · 01/12/2021 18:17

Could you look at a personal loan? Paying the fees over 5 years instead of 3 would allow month to month cash flow to work a bit better for the family.

Onatree · 01/12/2021 18:19

it seems to defeat the point of working if I spend all my wages on childcare.

NO.
NO.
NO.

I will say this till my last breath - a few tight years of hefty childcare fees does not erase the “whole point” of a parent working.

The “whole point” of working is to -

Maintain your career.
Progress in career.
Be financially independent.
Explore newer ideas and opportunities.
Network.
Keep skills up to date.
Remain confident in the workplace.

A few tough years of breaking even does not just randomly erase the “whole point of working”.

SophieHatterPendragon · 01/12/2021 18:22

We love of DH salary. The equivalent of my wages would have been swallowed up by childcare and my commute (we have a one pot system so it wasn’t just me paying for childcare just the outcome financial of childcare / commute VS SAHM life was the same) we knew this before having our third. I’m lucky that being a civil servant I am able to take a 3 year career break and still have a guaranteed job to go back to. I wasn’t worried about promotion I’m the highest I can be in my field of expertise and have no interest in changing that field. I also realised after having ds2 that life is too short. I have everything to my job and they were horrible to me while I was on mat leave so since the financial implications were the same but I would get to spend quality time with my babies I chose to take the career break. With DS1 I was a single mum working full time so didn’t get any time with him really in the week. It’s been a nice change

I have to budget but it’s doable

yellowflowersintherain · 01/12/2021 18:22

I live in an affluent area where loads of people seem to make megabucks. So it's fairly easy for a family to live off one salary for a few years.

Sadly DH doesn't make megabucks so not really an option for us and we both work!

namechangetheworld · 01/12/2021 18:22

I'm a SAHM and DH earns around £30k. It's definitely doable. Like others on the thread, we based our mortgage application on his salary only so we knew we wouldnt struggle. We have cheap UK holidays, and I have plenty of time during the day to mooch around the shops looking for the best deals. We're careful with money but can still afford to run two cars and have nice days out every few weeks, so we're not living a life of penury.

I've just recently started a PT time for twelve hours a week that's much more enjoyable than the job I had prior to having children. It is definitely possible, but please make sure you get married first.

Lasair · 01/12/2021 18:32

What did you plan for before you had the baby? 35k is a good wage but hard to support a family on. What outgoings do you have? Calculate all you have coming in and how much you would have after childcare fees and how much you would have after all your outgoings on one wage. See if it’s liveable for you.

We live in London and we earn a lot more than your partner and I think we would struggle on just one wage.

littleowls83 · 01/12/2021 18:33

To maximise your earning potential you need to go back full time whatever the temporary impact on your finances.

To maximise time with your children, you need to say fuck the long term earning potential and stay at home.

Ideally I would say part time work is an amazing compromise to both, but it isn't an option for everyone.

Dozer · 01/12/2021 18:34

Pension is a big factor too.

For most of us life is NOT short.

HappyMeal564 · 01/12/2021 18:35

@Onatree

it seems to defeat the point of working if I spend all my wages on childcare.

NO.
NO.
NO.

I will say this till my last breath - a few tight years of hefty childcare fees does not erase the “whole point” of a parent working.

The “whole point” of working is to -

Maintain your career.
Progress in career.
Be financially independent.
Explore newer ideas and opportunities.
Network.
Keep skills up to date.
Remain confident in the workplace.

A few tough years of breaking even does not just randomly erase the “whole point of working”.

This is your opinion which you are of course entitled to. No need to ram it down OP's throat in this manner though. The whole point of working or not working is different to everyone and everyone is right in their own way. We all have different lifestyles, wants, needs and goals therefore we all make different choices.