To say he can't come.

[FuriousAndCurious]

Baby DD is 8 months old and was recently in hospital very poorly on oxygen and very close to being tube fed. We were told when she was finally allowed home that we must do what we can to avoid her getting ill again for the time being whilst she fully recovers or she could end up back in.

For the last week and a half she's been at home with me, not been going to nursery or any of the baby classes she usually goes to etc.. DH has been working from home and we've generally been keeping ourselves to ourselves. She is still very wheezy but slowly improving.

My husband has a son from a previous relationship, my DSC. He has stayed with us as he usually does and is due tonight for 3 days however his Mum has just told DH he is unwell with a bad cold, headache and sore throat.

AIBU to say to DH that he really can't come here when he's so unwell?

I feel really bad and it's not something I would ever usually suggest but this is exactly the kind of thing we were told to avoid with DD whilst she builds her strength back up.

If I had family close by I'd try and stay somewhere else with DD but unfortunately I don't.

We aren't at all the types to refuse to have DSS when he's ill usually, there have been other times where he's stayed here for longer when he's got something and we thought it best to leave him be where he was rather that to-ing and fro-ing.

I think in this case it's best for your DD and your DSS if he stays at his mum's. It won't be fun for him to have to travel.

YANBU, you've been told by HCPs to avoid your baby becoming ill as much as possible, and having him to stay will be a big risk.
I'm guessing people might say you wouldn't be able to avoid her being exposed if he was your child who lived with you FT, but in situations like this where there is a simple way to avoid the baby possibly becoming ill, especially since it's a one-off, I think you're doing the right thing.

I’d suggest you can speak very nicely to his mum and see if you can put his visit back a week and then maybe have him for a longer spell so he gets time with his dad.

It’s difficult because if he was your child then he’d be there regardless.

If the mum has any childcare issues due to your request then your DH needs to help.

God no, I wouldn't take the chance at all.

DH should be saying they need to postpone so if he hasn’t then of course you must.

@5keletor

YANBU, you've been told by HCPs to avoid your baby becoming ill as much as possible, and having him to stay will be a big risk. I'm guessing people might say you wouldn't be able to avoid her being exposed if he was your child who lived with you FT, but in situations like this where there is a simple way to avoid the baby possibly becoming ill, especially since it's a one-off, I think you're doing the right thing.

Yes this is what I thought. I'm sure I'll get the usual 'what if he was your child' replies but it's not the same situation, there is another option available which could potentially stop DD getting sick, I'm not sure what the point is in saying that it wouldn't be an option if he was mine or lived here all the time.

We’ve been in the same position with my DD and DSD hasn’t come on that weekend which her mum has understood. Generally if DSD is ill she has wanted to be with her mum which I can understand

What would you do if he lived with you? I would ask DH to ask very nicely if you could swap his days so he has him longer next week or the week after.

It’s difficult because if he was your child then he’d be there regardless.

If he was her child he wouldn’t have another home to be in with another parent to ably care for him while he was ill. He isn’t and he does.

I agree with you op. If he was fully resident with you, then if he was this poorly I'd be looking at him being massively contained to his bedroom while he's ill which I'm assuming he won't be OK with if he's only with you for a few days.

So I'd get DH to ask his Mom if you can reschedule until she's well

Has he had a covid test?

What would you do if he lived with you?

Obviously nothing as there’d be no alternate. Honestly, why do people say such ridiculous things?

Instead of coughing all over a very young already poorly baby he could stay with his mum, in his home, with his toys and rest up there.

It’s not come and potentially infect a baby or sleep on the streets.

Absolutely disgusting when parents do this. I hate it. My DD who is 8 months also has been in hospital with similar. I have older children who are in school and a toddler in nursery. Should I stop them going there? You step son is part of the family I'm afraid.
Are you sure you were given that advice because my best friends baby is having chemo and even she has been told to carry on as normal.

If the mum has any childcare issues due to your request then your DH needs to help

I think this will be the main issue tbh. She works, as does DH. I don't know the whole ins and outs yet but I'm assuming he will need to be off school if he's so unwell (and likely need a Covid test which I don't think he's had yet). So it's who takes the time off work? Usually I'd say DH absolutely should but then if he gets ill anyway then we have the same dilemma.

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s difficult because if he was your child then he’d be there regardless.

If he was her child he wouldn’t have another home to be in with another parent to ably care for him while he was ill. He isn’t and he does.

His mum might work the days he’s scheduled to be at his dads. She might have other plans. It’s not clear cut.

How old is he op?

He should ask the mum, but if she has plans already then it's up to your dh to sort an alternative out.

I guess it also depends on how long you're planning to keep your dd away from everyone as well? Could ut potentially impact his next visit?

@supersonicginandtonic

Absolutely disgusting when parents do this. I hate it. My DD who is 8 months also has been in hospital with similar. I have older children who are in school and a toddler in nursery. Should I stop them going there? You step son is part of the family I'm afraid. Are you sure you were given that advice because my best friends baby is having chemo and even she has been told to carry on as normal.

Obviously not, because I'm guessing you don't have another parent in another home who is able to care for your older child? It's completely different. My step sons parents are split over two households he can stay with his Mum if necessary and as I say, we have done vice versa in other times as well. What's the point in infecting DD and possibly making her even sicker for the sake of it? It's great saying 'what if he lived with you all the time' but that's not our situation.

Is it not a bit of give and take? If the situations were reversed id absolutely suggest DSS stay with us to avoid spreading any illness in his mum's house and we have in the past!

You can't say he can't come. You can ask his mum nicely if she can keep him but if she doesn't have childcare, it'll be up to his dad to sort childcare during his contact days. Could your DH's parents help?

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

He should ask the mum, but if she has plans already then it's up to your dh to sort an alternative out.

I guess it also depends on how long you're planning to keep your dd away from everyone as well? Could ut potentially impact his next visit?

He's been to us since she's been out of hospital. It's solely whilst he's ill that I'm worried about. We were told it could take around a month for DDs chest to clear properly but that we should see a gradual improvement which we are doing. She is still wheezing though and a cold and sore throat could send her back to being very poorly again.

Is it not a bit of give and take? If the situations were reversed id absolutely suggest DSS stay with us to avoid spreading any illness in his mum's house and we have in the past!

It’s absolutely give and take. Hence why I said speak to his mum. Try and come to an arrangement.

You saying “he can’t come” is very confrontational. You need to work it out amongst yourselves.

@FuriousAndCurious

Baby DD is 8 months old and was recently in hospital very poorly on oxygen and very close to being tube fed. We were told when she was finally allowed home that we must do what we can to avoid her getting ill again for the time being whilst she fully recovers or she could end up back in.

For the last week and a half she's been at home with me, not been going to nursery or any of the baby classes she usually goes to etc.. DH has been working from home and we've generally been keeping ourselves to ourselves. She is still very wheezy but slowly improving.

My husband has a son from a previous relationship, my DSC. He has stayed with us as he usually does and is due tonight for 3 days however his Mum has just told DH he is unwell with a bad cold, headache and sore throat.

AIBU to say to DH that he really can't come here when he's so unwell?

I feel really bad and it's not something I would ever usually suggest but this is exactly the kind of thing we were told to avoid with DD whilst she builds her strength back up.

If I had family close by I'd try and stay somewhere else with DD but unfortunately I don't.

We aren't at all the types to refuse to have DSS when he's ill usually, there have been other times where he's stayed here for longer when he's got something and we thought it best to leave him be where he was rather that to-ing and fro-ing.

I'm sure his mum will understand if you ask to swap dates for him coming? You can't take any chances with babies and imagine the guilt you'd feel if your baby's condition was made worse as a result of catching the cold.

Not to mention it could of course be Covid, we don't know yet. I'm not sure if he's had a test I'm going to ask DH to ask.

Maybe just give her a call, mum to mum, explain the severity, that it's a one off and be understanding if she can't make it work.

I'd be happy for DH to sort some form of childcare as suggested, whatever it takes. I'd just really rather DSS not be here/around DD. Not sure what he can arrange though if DSS is also sick, I imagine he won't be going to school so not just as simple as arranging before and after school club I don't think. I'll speak to DH see what he can sort out.