To say he can't come.

[FuriousAndCurious]

Baby DD is 8 months old and was recently in hospital very poorly on oxygen and very close to being tube fed. We were told when she was finally allowed home that we must do what we can to avoid her getting ill again for the time being whilst she fully recovers or she could end up back in.

For the last week and a half she's been at home with me, not been going to nursery or any of the baby classes she usually goes to etc.. DH has been working from home and we've generally been keeping ourselves to ourselves. She is still very wheezy but slowly improving.

My husband has a son from a previous relationship, my DSC. He has stayed with us as he usually does and is due tonight for 3 days however his Mum has just told DH he is unwell with a bad cold, headache and sore throat.

AIBU to say to DH that he really can't come here when he's so unwell?

I feel really bad and it's not something I would ever usually suggest but this is exactly the kind of thing we were told to avoid with DD whilst she builds her strength back up.

If I had family close by I'd try and stay somewhere else with DD but unfortunately I don't.

We aren't at all the types to refuse to have DSS when he's ill usually, there have been other times where he's stayed here for longer when he's got something and we thought it best to leave him be where he was rather that to-ing and fro-ing.

You saying “he can’t come” is very confrontational. You need to work it out amongst yourselves

I don't disagree I think it was just my instinctive first thought because I'm so worried about DD getting poorly again. I heard he was so unwell and just thought 'oh my god, no he can't come!!'.

Ime having the Poorly Dc Talk when dsc and dc mix is important in the beginning..
When I had a dsc and dc we all agreed any sickness either side meant nc that week end..

@FuriousAndCurious

Not to mention it could of course be Covid, we don't know yet. I'm not sure if he's had a test I'm going to ask DH to ask.

If he has covid symptoms he should be isolating at home anyway and shouldn't be going anywhere until his test is negative. I agree with you that he should stay at home this once and come for longer next time. I know it might be difficult for his mum with work, however I think your dd's health is more important if she's so fragile still and hopefully his mum will see that and understand. If it was the other way around and it was her ds that was in hospital I'm sure she wouldn't send him if ur dd was ill. If it is covid she would have to be off work anyway as he would have to isolate at home. You have to do what's best for the children and it would probably still be better for dss to stay at home when he's ill.

If the child is that poorly surely he wouldn't want to travel etc anyway?

@supersonicginandtonic

Absolutely disgusting when parents do this. I hate it. My DD who is 8 months also has been in hospital with similar. I have older children who are in school and a toddler in nursery. Should I stop them going there? You step son is part of the family I'm afraid. Are you sure you were given that advice because my best friends baby is having chemo and even she has been told to carry on as normal.

Why assume the OP is making it up?

Different illnesses need different precautions

It's for your other half to make the arrangements.

I'd suggest asking his mum if it was possible to rearrange (I'd also mention that you don't want him to feel left out and ask if she thought facetime/etc would help) and offer to help financially with alt childcare if needed.
If that's just not possible then either OH and DSC (or you and the baby) decamp to a bnb for the visit - and the logistics make OH+DSC the sensible choice.

All this "what would you do if DSC was yours/lived with you full time" is rubbish. If he lived with you full time, you/OH/baby would probably have been exposed before he was showing symptoms.

Also other children can, have, and will probably continue to be shipped out to supportive friends and relatives to protect a vulnerable child in a household, even in non-separated families.

When my dd was a baby she was immuno- comprised . I have children from my 1st marriage who live with ME, and when they picked up a virus or something from school , they went to their dads (I'm lucky to have a ex husband who co parents well) .
This was simply because it was a huge risk to my daughter.
So yes I completely agree with you. As there are 2 households ,you need to do what you can to protect the vulnerable one.

I don't think it should fall to DSS' mother to sort this out tbh, especially if she is working or has plans. Your DH should take his son as planned and take him somewhere else. Does he have family? Maybe a hotel?
I get it's difficult but I don't think it's fair to expect your husband's ex to change her plans- this is your DH's time with DSS, and he is responsible for childcare in that time.

Why isn't your DH sorting this out?

Are you sure you were given that advice because my best friends baby is having chemo and even she has been told to carry on as normal.

I had cancer last year (no chemo, just an op) and I was told to isolate as much as possible and be really careful 🤷🏻‍♀️

The op has no reason to lie, especially given that dss was already over.

I hope your dd gets better soon op, it's such a worry when they are so little

Can your husband take him to his mums (DH mums) and have him there or go to an Air BnB for contact?

That’s if the ex minds and is being funny, she may have plans/work commitments and if it’s your DH contact time it is up to him to sort childcare out so if he has to take time off work to look after his son elsewhere then I suppose that’s what he will have to do though worth a conversation with the ex.

I would not send my unwell child around a baby who has been in hospital and is still suffering from it. So message his mum and I'm sure she will understand. If she has plans then it might be a bit tricky but no harm in ringing his mum and explaining.

Usually I’d say a stepchild should be allowed to move between their two homes, even if they’re ill (providing they want to, of course). But this is a special circumstance.

I think your DH should speak to his ex and make alternate arrangements. But this may mean sourcing childcare if the mum isn’t able to take time off work.

Obviously welcoming a new half sibling can be difficult and it’s important your stepson doesn’t feel pushed out… but your daughter is vulnerable right now. I think the right thing to do would be to ask for extra days on the next contact to reassure him of his place in your family.

I’m glad your little one is feeling better after being so poorly .

@Levithian

I don't think it should fall to DSS' mother to sort this out tbh, especially if she is working or has plans. Your DH should take his son as planned and take him somewhere else. Does he have family? Maybe a hotel? I get it's difficult but I don't think it's fair to expect your husband's ex to change her plans- this is your DH's time with DSS, and he is responsible for childcare in that time.

Unless of course there is reason to believe it is covid ( which op has suggested it could possibly be) in which case it is absolute up to his mother to sort out as he should be isolating at home until he has a negative test. The same way he would have to isolate at ops house if he displayed symptoms there. Anyway regardless ops dd is only young and very ill I would hope that dss's mother would understand that and try to help. It's only a few days off work, compared to the possibility of ops dd becoming very ill again and possibly ending up in hospital. I wouldn't take the chance. Op has said that they have previously helped out when things were the other way around and I would hope his mother would be understanding and do the same.

No way would I take that chance, even your DH spending time with him he could catch it and then pass onto your DD.
Given how poorly she's been I'd skip it this week, wait until he's better and make it up to him then.

I have a son who lives with me, I would not send him to his dads with a bad cold at the best of times as his dads has two young children. Nor would I want Ds to go there if they were ill. So YANBU even more so in yiur case as your dd needs to avoid germs. Hopefully your stepsons mum will understand!

Covid PCR 1st, and he should be isolating at the address he was at until that comes back negative

Once the negative result is in (if it is negative), then its a discussion. I've got to be honest, though, I'd be taking your self and DD to a hotel for a couple of nights if he does come.

I can't really believe people are calling this unreasonable.

Nowhere has OP suggested it's SS's mum's problem to sort, she just wants to postpone this visit until SS is better due to having a currently very vulnerable baby. She wants her DH to help his ex in sorting childcare coverage if necessary. She has already said SS has been to them since their baby has been home from hospital, so she is not being precious. They have been medically advised to try to prevent exposure to illness for their baby!

OP your husband needs to chat to his ex cancel this stay, it may not even be an issue at all. If she is a reasonable person she will surely understand the reasons why he can't come this week, and they can work out a plan together to sort childcare if SS won't be attending school.

I think it's very reasonable to keep the sick DSS away from your poorly DD, however, it is is unreasonable to expect DSS mum to be the one to cover/deal with this as it is on your DH's days and so therefore his responsibility to sort. So it is up to your DH to find somewhere to stay with his son and look after him whilst he is off school sick. An airbnb and a few days off work should do it.

Agree with @ginnybag.

OP, I've just had covid and those were my initial symptoms (and I never got the cough or loss of taste/smell, only the fever and a whole bag of other symptoms that the government STILL doesn't list as the 'official' symptoms. Take a look at the Zoe website for a run-down of the current symptom list, it's far more accurate).

Leaving aside your DD's illness, the guidance is PCR and isolate until the result comes back. He should be doing this first. If it is covid, he can't leave his mum's house. If it isn't, your DH can speak to his ex about how he can help - maybe he could go stay with them?

@LittleMysSister

I can't really believe people are calling this unreasonable.

Nowhere has OP suggested it's SS's mum's problem to sort, she just wants to postpone this visit until SS is better due to having a currently very vulnerable baby. She wants her DH to help his ex in sorting childcare coverage if necessary. She has already said SS has been to them since their baby has been home from hospital, so she is not being precious. They have been medically advised to try to prevent exposure to illness for their baby!

OP your husband needs to chat to his ex cancel this stay, it may not even be an issue at all. If she is a reasonable person she will surely understand the reasons why he can't come this week, and they can work out a plan together to sort childcare if SS won't be attending school.

Why does DSS mother have to work with OP's DH to sort childcare on the days that OP's DH is responsible for? Surely that's his job? I very much doubt he arranges his ex's childcare for her on the days when DSS is sick and he's with his mum!

On the contact days, OPs DH is 100% responsible for his son. He needs to look after him and arrange/provide any necessary childcare. Obviously this shouldn't be in OPs home, due to her poorly daughter, but equally there is no reason why DSS's mum should have to change her plans/take time off work/arrange or provide childcare on OP's DH's days. That's his job.

@mrsm43s I am just responding to the people who are acting as if OP has decided it's fine to just say 'he's not coming' and that's the end of it.

Tbh though I don't really agree with what you've said - if SS's mum had an issue where she was unable to care for SS for a few days, as is the case here, I'd expect her first port of call to be his dad, 100%.

They are still both parents just because the child is meant to be with the other on that specific day?! I wouldn't expect OP's DH to turn around and say "Oh well, not my day, not my problem" .

I'd expect him to help out wherever he could, even though it's not his time to have SS, and potentially even to reach out to family on his own side in order to get his child looked after if the mum was struggling to find someone.

My DP and his ex would always try to help the other when it comes to looking after their children if there is a problem.

I very much doubt he arranges his ex's childcare for her on the days when DSS is sick and he's with his mum!

This is actually not true at all, there have been times in the past where we have kept DSS with us when he was poorly, meaning we had to arrange things round work etc.. because we thought it best he stay where he was. I've already said this a couple of times.

I don't really get the view point on here though that it's strictly nothing to do with DH on mum's time and nothing to do with her on his. Surely it's okay to discuss these things even if it's not "your time"?

Anyway, I'm not expecting his Mum to sort it alone. I just don't know what plan could work that would also avoid DH possibly getting sick because that just defeats the object.

At the end of the day this is all dependent on the mum.

If she and the OP’s DH generally co parent well then she will hopefully understand and will agree to swap out days/keep her DS at home with her instead of sending him to his dad’s.

But if she simply says no then the OP really can’t say that he can’t come to their’s, because he is her dh’s child, and essentially their home is his home as well.

So while OP isn’t unreasonable to hope that the mum agrees, it’s unreasonable to simply say that he can’t come, because he might have to.

I think YANBU to ask that DSS doesn't come and stay due to the circumstances.

But your DH should be the one taking time off work if it's in his contact time. Can he look after DSS at mum's house while she is at work? If not, then your DSS will have to come to yours and you'll have to try and keep baby away from him as much as possible.

Does DSS even want to come to yours? He may prefer to stay where he is if he's ill.

FWIW I'm an ex and I expect that if my DC were ill they'd prefer to stay here with me rather than go to their dads. If they were still happy to go then they could go. I wouldn't be happy about having to take time off work if they'd happily go to their dads but their dad said no to having them, even for this reason.