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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't come.

105 replies

FuriousAndCurious · 30/11/2021 13:41

Baby DD is 8 months old and was recently in hospital very poorly on oxygen and very close to being tube fed. We were told when she was finally allowed home that we must do what we can to avoid her getting ill again for the time being whilst she fully recovers or she could end up back in.

For the last week and a half she's been at home with me, not been going to nursery or any of the baby classes she usually goes to etc.. DH has been working from home and we've generally been keeping ourselves to ourselves. She is still very wheezy but slowly improving.

My husband has a son from a previous relationship, my DSC. He has stayed with us as he usually does and is due tonight for 3 days however his Mum has just told DH he is unwell with a bad cold, headache and sore throat.

AIBU to say to DH that he really can't come here when he's so unwell?

I feel really bad and it's not something I would ever usually suggest but this is exactly the kind of thing we were told to avoid with DD whilst she builds her strength back up.

If I had family close by I'd try and stay somewhere else with DD but unfortunately I don't.

We aren't at all the types to refuse to have DSS when he's ill usually, there have been other times where he's stayed here for longer when he's got something and we thought it best to leave him be where he was rather that to-ing and fro-ing.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 30/11/2021 15:07

If it meant keeping my poorly baby out of hospital I'm afraid everyone else's convenience or rights to be in my child's home would be shunted down my priority list.
YANBU.

EasyLikeSundays · 30/11/2021 15:07

Really OP this is nothing to do with you. DH needs to step up and sort it out with the mum. You need to keep out of it otherwise It will get the mums back up.

kiki22 · 30/11/2021 15:11

My youngest ds2 was sick with a horrendous d&v bug a couple of weeks ago and my older child ds1 had been at his dads the day/night before he got sick and a sleepover with a friend the night before that so ds1 stayed at his dads to hopefully avoid getting sick (same dad). It makes total sense to keep the sick kid away from the other one.

Since we are a 2 household family why would we not help each other out? It's mad to be ridgid when it comes to an easy fix just because it's 'your day'.

Unless his mum is mean and doesn't care about a sick baby or has something very important on and there is no other option I don't see why she wouldn't keep her own child home to avoid a sick baby.

Original poster
FuriousAndCurious · 30/11/2021 15:13

@EasyLikeSundays

Really OP this is nothing to do with you. DH needs to step up and sort it out with the mum. You need to keep out of it otherwise It will get the mums back up.
I'm not going to speak to his mother directly but it affects my daughter so yes it is to do with me.
OP posts:
DumplingsAndStew · 30/11/2021 15:14

Has anybody even mentioned it to the mother yet? It may not even be an issue for her; she may already be prepared to keep her son at home.

Besides, maybe they should be wary of her son contracting the illness your daughter is recovering from, since his immune system is low at the moment 😉

Hope your DD continues to improve.

LittleMysSister · 30/11/2021 15:14

@EasyLikeSundays

Really OP this is nothing to do with you. DH needs to step up and sort it out with the mum. You need to keep out of it otherwise It will get the mums back up.
Tbh I'd be more worried about keeping my baby out of hospital than this? Though I'm sure OP's DH is the one handling communication with his ex anyway, I doubt OP is ringing her up.
ColinTheKoala · 30/11/2021 15:15

I don't really get the view point on here though that it's strictly nothing to do with DH on mum's time and nothing to do with her on his. Surely it's okay to discuss these things even if it's not "your time

I agree. If they were still together they'd have to deal with things if the other parent couldn't do something on a particular day. Why do divorced couples always have this attitude their child is nothing to do with them when it's not their "turn".

In my view if a child is ill they should stay put anyway and should not be moving between households, covid or no covid, sick baby or no sick baby. Surely that is common sense?

Restart10 · 30/11/2021 15:15

If you've helped her out previously then why shouldn't she do the same? It's not as if it's for no valid reason, you have a very valid reason. Offer to swap the days or add them on to the next time he is meant to come. Your dds health should be priority here.

ColinTheKoala · 30/11/2021 15:16

Also how old is the DSS? Does he need childcare?

HeartsAndClubs · 30/11/2021 15:17

OP, what is the relationship with the mum like?

Personally I was never that rigid with contact, so if DS was sick or when eXH had to go abroad for work DS just stayed with me. It kind of happened without discussion - eXH did always ask if it was ok, and by the same token DS would go over there if his grandparents were over or if they went somewhere.

But not all parents are like that.

But only you know whether the mum is likely to be agreeable. If she isn’t though, then you are going to have very little choice but to have him over.

ElephantOfRisk · 30/11/2021 15:27

Presumably if this was a child that lived with the OP full time, hers or otherwise, they would also have kept him off nursery or minimised his interactions with others as much as she could.

lunar1 · 30/11/2021 15:27

Has your DH actually spoken to her yet?

Coffeepot72 · 30/11/2021 15:33

The health of small baby should be prioritised over a visitation schedule.

When it comes to step children, common sense often goes out the window .....

Original poster
FuriousAndCurious · 30/11/2021 15:35

@lunar1

Has your DH actually spoken to her yet?
I'm not sure, I'm waiting for him to let me know. He's messaged but he's on some work calls this afternoon so I don't know if he's had a reply yet.
OP posts:
FestiveFruitloop · 30/11/2021 15:37

@Coffeepot72

The health of small baby should be prioritised over a visitation schedule.

When it comes to step children, common sense often goes out the window .....

Exactly what I was about to say. I think some people who reply to these threads have blinkers on.
Chocolatewheatos · 30/11/2021 15:47

God no! Of course he can't come.
Your sick baby takes priority, DSC would probably be quite upset if he put his baby sister in hospital.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2021 15:49

@EasyLikeSundays

Really OP this is nothing to do with you. DH needs to step up and sort it out with the mum. You need to keep out of it otherwise It will get the mums back up.
HER child was in hospital on OXYGEN and nearly TUBE FED. It had everything to do with her, even if all she can do is worry and accept it.

And if my child was recently out of hospital and the other was quite poorly with a bad cold the poorly one would be in his bedroom as much as possible / the baby would be in a different room to him as much as possible. You wouldn't just glibly carry on and say ah well, who cares if she's readmitted, it's all family eh lol. The difference is OP can't confine DSS to his room without being a wicked step mom who hates him and should be divorced immediately

Inertia · 30/11/2021 15:50

It sounds like it could well be Covid.

It probably needs to be presented as your stepson will have to isolate in his room with your husband working at home to care for his son, while you isolate elsewhere in the house and care for the baby.

Other alternative is that your H takes him to stay in a Premier Inn or similar, but that would depend on DSS testing negative for Covid.

givemepiece · 30/11/2021 16:05

I'm still gobsmacked at the PP who says a young child going through chemo has been told to carry on as normal....?
I have experience of cancer and am a member of many support groups and EVERYONE going through chemo has been told to hard isolate as they are so vulnerable! Madness!

Sorry to derail I'm just speechless

CherryBlossomAutumn · 30/11/2021 16:08

Absolutely not. If your DH wants to still see his son he can take him on a little holiday instead or a mini break.

But it’s also not up to you to give the Mum a call. Your DH should handle this.

BungleandGeorge · 30/11/2021 16:14

The fact that she’s at work changes things, no it’s not up to her to take time off in his contact time. your husband will have to come up with a solution. He looks after him at mums, they stay with relative, you stay elsewhere- whatever meets your needs best. The child is his responsibility during that time though, if she was going to be at home it would be different

AndMatt · 30/11/2021 16:19

I think the boy still needs to see his Dad but not at your house.

Original poster
FuriousAndCurious · 30/11/2021 16:22

Problem diverted! His Mum has said she isn't feeling great herself anyway so was thinking about staying home from work to get them both tested so he can stay with her and we'll see him more when he's better.

OP posts:
givemepiece · 30/11/2021 16:23

Ah great update. Well, not that we are actively wishing her to be poorly too. But you know what I mean!

cabingirl · 30/11/2021 16:24

@supersonicginandtonic

Absolutely disgusting when parents do this. I hate it. My DD who is 8 months also has been in hospital with similar. I have older children who are in school and a toddler in nursery. Should I stop them going there? You step son is part of the family I'm afraid. Are you sure you were given that advice because my best friends baby is having chemo and even she has been told to carry on as normal.
Actually if I was in the OPs shoes with older children I might very well have made the decision to keep them home and do distance learning for a few weeks - like her husband is WFH while the baby gets back to full strength.

She obviously didn't have the option of making that choice with her DSD.