To say he can't come.

[FuriousAndCurious]

Baby DD is 8 months old and was recently in hospital very poorly on oxygen and very close to being tube fed. We were told when she was finally allowed home that we must do what we can to avoid her getting ill again for the time being whilst she fully recovers or she could end up back in.

For the last week and a half she's been at home with me, not been going to nursery or any of the baby classes she usually goes to etc.. DH has been working from home and we've generally been keeping ourselves to ourselves. She is still very wheezy but slowly improving.

My husband has a son from a previous relationship, my DSC. He has stayed with us as he usually does and is due tonight for 3 days however his Mum has just told DH he is unwell with a bad cold, headache and sore throat.

AIBU to say to DH that he really can't come here when he's so unwell?

I feel really bad and it's not something I would ever usually suggest but this is exactly the kind of thing we were told to avoid with DD whilst she builds her strength back up.

If I had family close by I'd try and stay somewhere else with DD but unfortunately I don't.

We aren't at all the types to refuse to have DSS when he's ill usually, there have been other times where he's stayed here for longer when he's got something and we thought it best to leave him be where he was rather that to-ing and fro-ing.

If Mum is at home unwell that’s the most sensible thing for him to stay there. Glad you’ve got it sorted out

@AnneLovesGilbert

What would you do if he lived with you?

Obviously nothing as there’d be no alternate. Honestly, why do people say such ridiculous things?

Instead of coughing all over a very young already poorly baby he could stay with his mum, in his home, with his toys and rest up there.

It’s not come and potentially infect a baby or sleep on the streets.

Why would there be no alternative? If the other child was OP’s and her partner was the step parent, would they be looking to ensure that child stays with the father? No probably not, if it were the OP’s other biological child no doubt they would manage. It is just the child of the male partner / stepchild of the woman that is not welcome as they are (apparently) not a real member of the family.

Good outcome OP

You can be a real member of the family and still not have a blank cheque to spread your potentially dangerous and definitely real germs to sick members of your real family 🙄
Anyway, good update from OP, glad that stress bomb has been avoided!

I am glad its been a good outcome...in other shapes of family there could be other options....like older child spending a few days at a grandparent or with uncle/aunt, assuming he hasn't got covid, or yes, keeping him at home for a while to protect his little sister.

It is just the child of the male partner / stepchild of the woman that is not welcome as they are (apparently) not a real member of the family. yes, not wanting bog brother to give baby sister his germs and land her back in hospital in oxygen and tube fed obviously means he's not a real part of the family. Have you had a baby in hospital on o2 and tube feeds @Aprilx

Of course you’re not unreasonable, it’s short term while she recovers. But be prepared for the same-old posters accusing you of hating your step son, looking for excuses to exclude him, telling you you’re fucking him up, you’re evil, his right to see his dad/not have his routine disrupted one time trumps your daughter’s right to be healthy, etc, etc. your partner will also be attacked for being a shit dad.

Didn’t see you latest post. Still, having had a scan through, this thread ‘delivered’ in its sad predictability.

I know it might be difficult for his mum with work, however I think your dd's health is more important if she's so fragile still and hopefully his mum will see that and understand

Mum may well see and understand but her priority will be keeping a roof over her head and food on the table. She can’t take time off work because her ex’s new baby is sick. That’s way beyond reasonable. The OP’s partner will need to take full responsibility for any childcare that may be required on his time if he can’t see his son. That’s the only fair way.

@supersonicginandtonic

Absolutely disgusting when parents do this. I hate it. My DD who is 8 months also has been in hospital with similar. I have older children who are in school and a toddler in nursery. Should I stop them going there? You step son is part of the family I'm afraid. Are you sure you were given that advice because my best friends baby is having chemo and even she has been told to carry on as normal.

Have you had a bump to the head? No way would the parents of a child undergoing chemo be encouraged to carry on as normal, in regard to exposure of illness. That is utterly incorrect. They may have been referring to maintaining life as much as normal in terms of routine? But exposure to other people in a pandemic while immunosuppressed on chemo? No.

@FuriousAndCurious

Problem diverted! His Mum has said she isn't feeling great herself anyway so was thinking about staying home from work to get them both tested so he can stay with her and we'll see him more when he's better.

I’m glad it’s worked out for you. There’s some absolute knobhead responses on here. It’s a no brainer. Any decent parent wouldn’t send their unwell child to a house where there is a very unwell baby.

OP hope your baby and step son soon recover. You sound like a caring and considerate mother and stepmother. Ignore the idiots.

YABVU. This is your childs SIBLING. Are they going to be expected to stay away every time your child is ill?
If your child is that vulnerable then your dh needs to take his son elsewhere. Why should his mum change her arrangements or possibly miss out on part of her wage? Your dh has equal responsibility for BOTH children and its up to him to sort this.

Some mad comments on this thread.

If I was in OP's shoes and the older child was also mine, I'd still be looking to separate him from my baby as much as possible, given the unique and worrying circumstances.

This could even involve him going to stay with grandparents/elsewhere for a few days, but at the very least would mean keeping him in separate rooms to the baby at all times. I can't see how that would be a better alternative in this scenario than SS staying in his other home with the freedom to roam about as normal?

It’s nice to hear a situation whereby ex-and step mother can work things out together.

Wishing all dc a speedy recovery (and also ex)

This is your childs SIBLING
Yes, so why wouldn't a loving mother do what she could to prevent her childs SIBLING ending up back in hospital?

I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't want to expose a baby to a cold if they were very vulnerable and it could be avoided. I'm sure dss mum would probably agree. It might take a bit of organising, but DH can handle that, surely?

It's not the same as two children who share one home with two parents living there. If I had a vulnerable baby and my other child was ill, I'd probably wish there was a way to keep them separate, but there might not be! On this occasion there's a way for both kids to be looked after by a parent. And it's a one off, medical situation. No brainer.

Ah sorry, should have rtft. Missed OP's resolution. Hope everyone feels better soon.

This is your childs SIBLING

Oh my goodness you're right, I hadn't realised! Thank you oh wise one for informing me.

What's your point? Yes he's her brother, I am fully aware of that.

Obviously he's not going to be expected to stay away every time she's ill, this is a once off because she's been uncommonly poorly in hospital and has been specifically advised by HCPs to avoid further exposure for a short while.

Surely you can see this is not the same as saying he must stay away EVERY time she's a little ill?

@MrsBerthaRochester

YABVU. This is your childs SIBLING. Are they going to be expected to stay away every time your child is ill? If your child is that vulnerable then your dh needs to take his son elsewhere. Why should his mum change her arrangements or possibly miss out on part of her wage? Your dh has equal responsibility for BOTH children and its up to him to sort this.

There's a massive difference between having just come out of hospital with what sounds like possibly bronc and being generally ill. Even with a kid on permanent o2 I can day there's been times when he's been massively vulnerable and the rest of his life when he's fine.

Good result OP, though sorry they’re both poorly.

Wishing everyone a speedy recovery!

@ supersonicginandtonic
Disgusting is a strong word! Are you always this judgmental?
The Stepson has options are you honestly saying that you would expose a sick child to a possibly serious infection when you don't have to?

Glad you have got it sorted for now.

What I would advise is (from the POV of a parent who has been there done that got the T shirt) make sure the worry about her getting ill doesn’t make you ill and doesn’t make it so with the best will in the world you stop her doing normal things.

It’s a horrible situation and I actually don’t think the dr who said that has done anything to help you move forward and recover from what has happened.

Hope she keeps recovering well

@Valeriekat yes I am when it comes to making another child feel like an outcast. She had one child who was poorly and is not wanting her to get poorly again but shunning the step son in the process. It's not fair. I hate when step children are treated differently, his dad is still his dad. I've seen the damage it does to the children too.
In respects to my friends child with cancer. What I meant was she still goes to groups and her brothers and sisters still go to school. They do day trips etc.
When my daughter had bronchiolitis, she was on oxygen and was tube fed as feeding was making her too tired: I was not told to hide away at home.

I'd rather hurt one child's feelings than land another back in hospital. If fairness was a given in life the baby wouldn't be sick in the first place.
People are very odd.

Any decent parent wouldn’t send their unwell child to a house where there is a very unwell baby

No. You really need to watch your wording with this one. The ex in this situation has no responsibility for the OP's child. She is not 'sending her unwell child' anywhere other than his other home on a previously agreed schedule. Fabulous if she is able to help and keep her son with her (which has clearly been the case) but she is not somehow 'indecent' if she is unable to help out. It is the father's responsibility to work things out here as he has an equal responsibility towards both his children. His ex is not his convenient childcare - she is someone maintaining her own home with her own financial obligations that she needs to meet. With the best will in the world, she can't necessarily just drop everything because someone else's child is unwell.