Leaving baby overnight at 11 weeks old

[Dotty08]

Hey mums,

DH wants me to leave baby overnight with his mum or mine at 12 weeks old so we can have a night alone for my birthday.
Our baby has a heart defect and was in nicu for the first 3 weeks of her life so I just want to be with her 24/7 and to be honest I’m shocked he doesn’t.
I hadn’t thought too much about it but I didn’t think we’d leave the baby until she was like 3 years old to be honest.
Am I being unreasonable? I know he’s trying to be nice but I just want to be with my daughter.

YANBU OP. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to leaving children overnight. Do what makes you comfortable .

Just go for a meal out

You have to do what you are happy with. I left dd at 8 weeks old overnight as we went to a party, but we have also regularly left her, once every few months or so for date nights. We also went on our honeymopn for a week without her when she was 3. Waiting until she is 3yo is (IMO) excessive and feels like you have just pulled an age out of thin air. But i don't feel the need to be with her 24/7 and never have done

It’s for your birthday, so it should be something you 100% enjoy, therefore a no on that basis.

Yanbu to personally not want to do it.

Yabu to judge your dh (or anyone) who would.

It's fine to not want to. I would never have wanted to stay overnight from DD at that age and we didn't have the whole NICU thing going on. I only stayed away overnight for the first time when DD was 2.5 and she stayed with DH. There's no rush.

If you wanted a small break you could just go for a meal, but if you don't want to do that then that's fine too. You've got the rest of your life for meals out and you've had and will have plenty more birthdays, so if you're not comfortable then don't go! Maybe a nice takeaway or something? There are fancy restaurants around us that deliver three courses at weekends so it's like a real meal out, just in your house!

It’s entirely personal choice, there is no right or wrong.
I left mine at six weeks for a meal out (about two hours initially and then again overnight).

If you don’t feel happy leaving your child, then don’t as you won’t enjoy yourself. Why don’t you try a meal first or leaving her for an hour and see how that goes- that’s when you actually feel ready to leave her.

YANBU. I wouldn't have considered leaving my children at that age.

If you don't want to, if you're uncomfortable then that should be the end of it.

It goes without saying that you should do what you feel comfortable with, but if leaving her is something you will eventually want to do, just bear in mind that starting to leave her overnight at 3 when she hasn't ever done that before might turn out more difficult than if you had got her used to it at a younger age.

I'll add that DH wouldn't have had an issue staying overnight somewhere so I think it's just a difference between maternal and paternal bond at this stage. But he wouldn't have done it because he knew I wouldn't want it! So don't judge him too harshly - I think it's just a different feeling in some ways for men and that's a biological thing.

I’ve always been happy leaving mine with grandparents from the beginning and couldn’t imagine not leaving them until 3

Just do whatever you feel is right!

3 seems excessive, and I’m saying that with a 3 year olds who’s never had a night away from us, purely because of covid and no one we trust wants him!!

You’re not being unreasonable, don’t do something you’re not comfortable with to appease other people, especially for your own birthday!

Yadnu. You won't enjoy yourself if you don't want to leave her. And then it's not worth it when you spend the night worrying. My eldest we had a night away when she was 6 months but my mum ended up taking her home to us at 11pm as she was unsettled and we were missing her so what was the point?

Thanks so much for responses so far.

I just want to be clear - totally not judging anyone who is comfortable doing so.

I would be happy to go for a meal out I’ve told him that but he’s gone in a funk because I don’t want to sleep away from her.

I might have felt like this anyway I can’t say but my daughter had heart surgery and all the time in nicu I couldn’t stay with her. I found it extremely distressing.

No point if you don’t enjoy it.

I’ve left my eleven week old at 8 weeks as I went out with my friend.

I wouldn’t leave him overnight because he’s a pain in the arse for anyone else to deal with, wakes every two hours, and demands you cuddle him back to sleep. I don’t think anyone else should have to put up with that 😂

He might think you will want the break. Even without any NICU issues, I didn't want to be away from DS at that age and still haven't had a night without him at past 3 now. At 4 months though, an evening out leaving him with DH was fabulous, then he had the same; if we'd had anyone to leave him with for an evening that would have been lovely, and it is important for your relationship to have a bit of time alone. Can you arrange a special dinner very nearby, then you can enjoy it (and call home to check there's no crying)? If you aren't ready for that yet either then it's ok to say that too, and suggest a special dinner in a few months when it feels right.

It would be a no from me. Even without the NICU stay at the beginning, baby and you are in the 4th trimester and it's entirely natural to want to be together all the time. Speak to your DH, I'm sure he'll understand!

Sorry, just seen you've said he's "gone into a funk". So he's not being kind at all and you need to express that to him however you think best.

Don’t feel you have to if you don’t want to. It’s a very personal choice. But equally they’d be nothing wrong with it if you did go.

My Dd (dc1) was born with a heart defect too. She used to not sleep at all at night when she was 5-8/9 weeks old, which was a nightmare. She had an operation at 8/9 weeks, and had to be in cicu (cardiac icu) for a few days, which mean that I had to leave her there overnight. It gave me a slightly different perspective on things as I’d already left her.

He’s not unreasonable to have suggested it and being shocked that he did is ridiculous. It’s also totally fair enough that you don’t feel ready yet and he should accept this without question especially as it’s your birthday so it should be about what you want!

Ah, I think he’s thinking of a night alone leading to sex, sorry, and is sulking that it’s potentially not going to be on the cards. I’m cynical so I might be barking up the wrong tree.

You don't have to leave your baby but don't forget about your relationship too.

The first few months is understandable but 3 years is a long time to have no child-free time together, especially if you have support available.

He is being an arse, getting in a funk with you over this.

You've both been through a significant trauma. Thats the reality. There's no point forcing yourselves to behave as though you haven't a care in the world.

Most mothers (but no judgment to the others) wouldn't want to be away from their 11 week old overnight. We're mammals, we're biologically geared to being physically close to our babies. Don't let anyone make you feel badly about this.

You should be kind to yourself. Drink her in, you've worked so hard and been through so much to get her safe and healthy at home.

I think it must be a UK thing, leaving tiny babies overnight. I've never heard of it in my country. I've had friends hospitalised a few months after giving birth and the baby was admitted alongside them.

Just an idea- I really recommend marriage counseling for life events like this. It sounds like you're having different reactions to what you've been through and one or two sessions on understanding each other's perspective and communication etc could really strengthen you as a partnership.

YABU to be shocked that he's suggested it.

He is BU to be "in a funk" that you don't want to.

How is your relationship/communication generally?