Leaving baby overnight at 11 weeks old

[Dotty08]

Hey mums,

DH wants me to leave baby overnight with his mum or mine at 12 weeks old so we can have a night alone for my birthday.
Our baby has a heart defect and was in nicu for the first 3 weeks of her life so I just want to be with her 24/7 and to be honest I’m shocked he doesn’t.
I hadn’t thought too much about it but I didn’t think we’d leave the baby until she was like 3 years old to be honest.
Am I being unreasonable? I know he’s trying to be nice but I just want to be with my daughter.

He is very unreasonable for getting in a mood about it though!

I agree he seems to be thinking about sex if you get a night alone…

That would be far too early for me without a stay in NICU only a few weeks away.

At that age they can become ill so quickly I was never comfortable leaving them overnight until I felt they were sturdy.

I left mine at 6 weeks old for work related reasons, though admittedly no heart defect.

I worked on the premise that the sooner you get them used to being looked after by other people, the easier your life will be in the long term.

You never know when you might have to leave your child in an emergency, or for an unavoidable reason such as a medial procedure, and knowing the child will be comfortable being looked after by someone s/he is comfortable with will be a great comfort to you.

If your MIL is also happy to have the baby, I'd maybe try a few hours out at first - and slowly build up to a night away. You don't need to go far, so you know you can get home very quickly if needed.

Your baby will be absolutely fine.

I don't blame you.

He however is wanting his leg over, clearly, so there'll probably be no pleasing him.

It's tough. I don't know what to suggest.

@girlmom21

You don't have to leave your baby but don't forget about your relationship too.

The first few months is understandable but 3 years is a long time to have no child-free time together, especially if you have support available.

You can have child-free time without leaving a baby with someone else overnight!

One of mine wouldn't take a bottle so I couldn't leave her overnight.

OP - you don't have to leave your baby until you are ready.

I wouldn’t do overnight at that age but I am doing a few things for a few hours over the next few weeks and my 9 week old will be left with either DH or DM. But my baby wasn’t in NICU and I would imagine that would make you even more overprotective than I already am towards my DS (and he is my second not even a PFB haha)

He is in a mood with you because you dont feel comfortable leaving your newborn who had a traumatic start...on your birthday where you're supposed to do something to make you happy?

He isnt being unreasonable to suggest it but he is being a complete arse if he can't understand why you dont want to.

Lol at that crackhead popping up. Have reported.

YANBU i didn't leave my babies overnight without me until they were much older (and mine weren't in NICU)

I think 11 weeks is too young to be leaving a newborn with someone else, they are still very much attached to the mother at this age and will find it distressing to be separated.
I didn't leave mine overnight with my parents until 6 months and it was very hard, especially considering your recent trauma with her in nicu. He is being insensitive.

Regardless of whether your DD has had heart surgery or not, if as a parent you don't want to leave a tiny baby overnight or at all you are well within your rights.

I left my DD overnight at 4.5 months old. However I left her with her father, my DP.

She actually hasn't been left overnight with anyone apart from myself or her father, and she is 3.

We started leaving her with trusted people in the day from 5 months starting with a few hours so by the time she was part-time at the childminder she was use to spending a few hours with a couple of people.

I had my first grandchild overnight from 7 weeks and have had all my grandchildren roughly once a month since then (barring covid etc). It means that they are all comfortable here and they think of our place as a second home. (In fact my eldest grandchild told me in no uncertain terms that our house was his second home last time he came to stay!) It makes it so much easier for my children to know that if there is an emergency of any kind their children will be happy to stay here and there will be no dramas. I looked after my eldest grandson for 5 days when his mother had her second child, and he was only 3. I can't imagine how horrible that would have been for him if he hadn't been used to staying with us. I quite understand your concern about leaving your baby, but honestly it will be so much easier for you in the future if your child is used to staying with their grandparent(s).

Wow, no way - that would be an instant no from me even without the fact that she was in NICU!

Forgive me if I've missed the point, but since when did your birthday become mainly about what HE wants to do?! He's sulking? Maybe remind him that people who care about their partners usually ask them what they'd enjoy doing on their birthdays and just go with that... you know, because it's ABOUT THEM???

I wouldn't be at all impressed with his tantrum here.

Not everyone has the luxury of living near grandparents, @DilemmaDelilah. What you’re describing sounds great but lots of people couldn’t do that, even if they wanted to.

If you don't want to leave her that's your choice but I don't think it's unreasonable that your DH was happy to and would have been looking forward to a full night 'off'.

DS1 was in nicu then scbu at birth as a preemie and was then left overnight at about 5/6 weeks with DM. Both DC love their sleepovers with both sets of GP and I would just caution not to be too set on "3 years". It's bloody hard work and DH and I definitely value the nights we get alone together or with joint friends and our relationship benefits from this time too.

I am sorry he is putting pressure on something you clearly don't feel comfortable doing yet.

My little girl had a number of heart defects meaning we were in NICU for 6 weeks from birth with her while she went through a couple of surgeries and recovery. I had to leave her overnight there - but with the best trained babysitters on the planet!

When we got home, I didn't feel comfortable leaving her for quite some time. Thankfully the COVID restrictions actually came in handy, my husband was probably ready to leave her overnight quicker than I was but as we weren't going anywhere we didn't need to argue about it!

We managed to get into a routine fairly quickly, and she started sleeping through the night at 6 months (probably could have done from 4mths but I was actually waking her to feed her in the night on advice from HV). She now very very rarely wakes up in the night.

By 10/11mths I felt ready to leave her at night - by which I mean; we take her to her grandparents, I get her ready to bed and put her down, then we go out with grandparents watching the monitor, and we are back at grandparents around 11-12pm, and I wake up with her.

She is now 16mths and I have only left her overnight once where I didn't put her to bed and wake up with her, as we went to London for our anniversary. I personally found it difficult, but I did manage a 10am lie in which my body clearly needed!

3 months old is still so little and you have been through so much with her. Once she has grown out of the tiny stage, you may feel more ready to leave her overnight, but you should go at the pace you feel comfortable with and he should respect that. Even though he is trying to do a nice thing for your birthday, it isn't nice if you are just going to spend it worrying!

YANBU. My DD was 6 weeks prem, and spent 2 weeks in SCBU. I still cry if I talk about it, don't underestimate how traumatic having to leave your newborn baby in hospital is. Its perfectly understandable not to want to leave your baby at 11 weeks old even if you hadn't had that experience too. Your DH is an absolute arse if he cant see this.

Way too young. Tiny babies need their mums. They don't "get used to" other people at that age. I wouldn't even go out for an evening until 6 months (unless reliably sleeping the whole time). Unless grandma was a big part of their life i.e. on a par with a parent. I would stay home and get a posh takeaway for your birthday. Start going for the odd evening out from 6 months (if they sleep), and leave the baby with Grandma for a full day or overnight from a year. But only if grandma is a part of every day life, i.e. they see her at least weekly. In my opinion 3 years is about the right age to leave a child overnight with a relative they don't know that well. Any younger and they don't understand that you will return.
Of course in an emergency you would have to leave them. That doesn't mean you should want to.

would be happy to go for a meal out I’ve told him that but he’s gone in a funk because I don’t want to sleep away from her.

Is he always an arse. It sounds like he's using YOUR birthday to try and wet his stick.

You do what you want for your birthday, and you do what makes you comfortable when it comes to your baby.

Your husband sounds like a pest.

@SnackSizeRaisin where do you stand on parents having to leave their young children with childcare professionals to go to work, then

Is he in a huff because you are not ready yet or because you've said you wont be ready for 3 years?

It's a personal choice.
My daughter had her first sleepover at 4 months old, she also had heart problems when born, and other issues following that but I felt completely comfortable leaving her with family. However I absolutely can understand why other parents may not. If you aren't comfortable yet, then you aren't and that's okay. Your DH needs to respect that choice.