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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child maintenance advice needed.

151 replies

Cmsadvice · 29/11/2021 23:00

Hello. I've name changed for this.

Ex and I have been separated for a few years. We have a son. He was employed and paid x amount a month in accordance with cms guidance. We didnt go through cms legally as we didn't feel it necessary. End of last year, ex quit his job to go self employed. He didn't actually end up going SE as it fell through with one thing and another. He has a stash of savings so continued to pay for our son at x amount a month.

Since September he has found full time work which is a higher income than his previous job. Today I broached the subject as he is still paying me a flat rate of x. When I ran the new figures through the cms calculator, according to that he should be paying y (more than what he is doing).

He has said that because he continued to pay me throughout his unemployment, he shouldn't have to pay more now. Its only £30 a month more. He said he will deduct what he has paid throughout the months he wasnt working until I have squared up with him.

Is this correct? Thanks for all and any advice. Prepared to be told I'm unreasonable for asking

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 29/11/2021 23:14

As he's employed go through the CMS and stop arguing with him.

Put in the claim tomorrow as it can't be back dated.

violetbunny · 29/11/2021 23:15

Does he think your child cost absolutely nothing to feed and house while he was unemployed then?
I would ignore him and lodge a claim for maintenance.

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 29/11/2021 23:31

I've posted on aibu too just for a reality check. Open to all opinions. I don't know how he would work out when I've squared up with him.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 29/11/2021 23:37

I think he has a point
If you didn’t suggest rushing to CMS when he was out of work why are you suggesting to do so now?
So you only change things for your benefit?

Is what you get reasonable? Did he behave reasonably when out of work? I’d let that guide you.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 29/11/2021 23:37

If you had done it through CMS to start with, technically he's right in that he wouldn't have paid you whilst unemployed. If he claimed benefits in that time it would have been something like £7 a week. As it's a private arrangement, there is no right or wrong as such (well morally obviously but legally there isn't) You can open a claim now, but they won't back date it, and he can obviously just not pay it and they will take ages to get it off him, if he wants to play that game.
He may not do that, of course, but just be aware of the risks.

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 29/11/2021 23:40

@RonaldMcDonald

I think he has a point If you didn’t suggest rushing to CMS when he was out of work why are you suggesting to do so now? So you only change things for your benefit?

Is what you get reasonable? Did he behave reasonably when out of work? I’d let that guide you.

I havent suggested to do this now. Just looking at if what he is saying is correct. Trying to see all sides.
OP posts:
Original poster
Cmsadvice · 29/11/2021 23:44

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

If you had done it through CMS to start with, technically he's right in that he wouldn't have paid you whilst unemployed. If he claimed benefits in that time it would have been something like £7 a week. As it's a private arrangement, there is no right or wrong as such (well morally obviously but legally there isn't) You can open a claim now, but they won't back date it, and he can obviously just not pay it and they will take ages to get it off him, if he wants to play that game. He may not do that, of course, but just be aware of the risks.
True and continued paying me x whilst unemployed. Very good of him too. I didn't ask for it as I knew he was out of work. I just saw as a family based arrangement, not legally binding. If possible I'd like to continue family based arrangement. Just dont understand how it would work with me squaring up with him. And because it isnt legally binding, is it correct.
OP posts:
SparklyLeprechaun · 29/11/2021 23:49

Since it's an informal agreement, there is no correct way of doing it. He has paid you more than required by CMS, but equally if you went to CMS they wouldn't care and you would get the higher amount regardless. I'm not sure what answer you are looking for.

RonaldMcDonald · 29/11/2021 23:53

There isn’t a correct, as I think you know

He paid freely the agreed amount and paid from his savings when he lost his job and when many/most father’s would have stopped.

You can now force an increase by going to CMS

What happens next is anyone’s guess, as he may feel you are morally behaving wrongly and now, when it suits you, are going against the spirit of the original agreement.
Private agreement is only as good as both sides remaining thoughtful.

arapunzel · 29/11/2021 23:54

He’s being unreasonable.
Your child still needed food, clothes a home whilst he was unemployed. And the reason he was unemployed was because he quit his job.
Get a proper contract through CMS.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 29/11/2021 23:54

It doesn’t work like that.

That’s like saying if someone was calculated as having to pay the CMS minimum of £200 a month but they decided to pay £250 that they could then come back at a later date and claim the £50/month back off you. They can’t. Because CMS calculate a minimum, not a maximum.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 29/11/2021 23:56

OP don’t discuss it with him, just give through CMS and they will calculate it. Children need fed whether their father works or not. He should be glad he had savings and was able to continue feeding his child.

gingerscot · 30/11/2021 00:02

Is he likely to go self employed again in future? If so, he’s got more scope to mess you around if he perceives you’ve been “unfair”’now. I mean, it’s bolllocks, if he had the means to support his kid when unemployed then of course he should have, no medals required. But yeah.. the system isn’t exactly unbiased.

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 00:03

Thanks all for the input. It's a lot to think on. There was never any mention of me paying him back when he was earning again, he just transferred the money into my account every month. He has mentioned this now but he talked about his current employment paying more than his last job but didn't make to the link to cm payments. So I broached the subject as he hadn't given it a moments thought. And that were him saying I need to pay him back comes from.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 00:07

All this was followed up by him saying he would take me to court if he had to. I didnt want an argument, I just brought it up saying does cm payments need adjustment for the pay increase.

OP posts:
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 30/11/2021 00:11

Take you to court to get back the child maintenance he voluntarily paid you that you never agreed to pay back? Yeah, tell him good luck with that. Maybe he should try judge Judy Grin

RandomMess · 30/11/2021 00:12

Legally he has no come back on what he has voluntarily paid you. The CMS rate is the legal MINIMUM contribution, anything more than that is voluntary and doesn't get repaid on the whim of the paying parent!

RonaldMcDonald · 30/11/2021 00:16

Court won’t help him

Maybe he thinks you’ve been very quick to ask for more - perhaps before he is back on his feet
I think people really trying to be reasonable is the only way forward with or without the CMS
I’ve seen so many fights over this which end up grabby and vile

SherryPalmer · 30/11/2021 00:21

Morally and legally he should pay you more now but given how useless CMS is if someone wants to be difficult I suggest letting him win this one.

Detest · 30/11/2021 02:28

My exh has his own business, massive house, several holidays a year, but pays £26.43 a week for 3 dc. Cms is a joke

PicaK · 30/11/2021 04:15

There's no right way but I think he has a good point. When he wasn't earning he kept paying maintenance. Compared to most men that's Saint like.
He pays on time and without a quibble.
I'd say fair point and fix a date now to recalculate.

HugeAckmansWife · 30/11/2021 06:29

He had savings that covered the difficult months, like as a responsible adult should. He didn't ask to pay less rent, or ask tesco to reduce their prices for him. He met his financial obligations as an adult should. He wasn't being 'good' or generous. He's a parent. He did the right thing. He can continue to do the right thing and pay the fairly minimal amount that most cms calcs ask for. OP he 100% cannot claim back through court, cms or anyone else but he is 100% a ridiculous petty twat, wanting £30 in his pocket instead of his child's. Why do people give nrps so much credit for doing the absolute bare bloody minimum?

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 30/11/2021 06:39

This might not be a popular answer on mn but for £30 a month I'd not rock the boat, unless you really need it. He's right that he didn't have to pay you whilst he was unemployed, or it would have been a minimal amount. He's wrong that you have to pay him back.

If you push it now he might go to the 'letter of the law' next time. Maybe agree with him but say in 18 months time you'll review the situation.

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 06:46

Thanks all. I'll talk with him when I next see him. Hopefully he will stay calm.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 30/11/2021 06:49

He wasn't unemployed he was SE and he had savings. I bet anything he didnt sit with no dinner in order to meet his maintenance obligationa. If he had, he would, based on this, hae absolutely reduced the amount. Just because the cms doesn't look at savings doesn't mean its right. Plenty of other benefits etc change if you have savings because it changes what funds you have access to. He had funds, just from savings rather than wage, so he paid. £30 is a months activity fees, two pieces of kids clothing, two weeks lunch money. It's quite a lot actually, when you're paying for a child.

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