Child maintenance advice needed.

[Cmsadvice]

Hello. I've name changed for this.

Ex and I have been separated for a few years. We have a son. He was employed and paid x amount a month in accordance with cms guidance. We didnt go through cms legally as we didn't feel it necessary. End of last year, ex quit his job to go self employed. He didn't actually end up going SE as it fell through with one thing and another. He has a stash of savings so continued to pay for our son at x amount a month.

Since September he has found full time work which is a higher income than his previous job. Today I broached the subject as he is still paying me a flat rate of x. When I ran the new figures through the cms calculator, according to that he should be paying y (more than what he is doing).

He has said that because he continued to pay me throughout his unemployment, he shouldn't have to pay more now. Its only £30 a month more. He said he will deduct what he has paid throughout the months he wasnt working until I have squared up with him.

Is this correct? Thanks for all and any advice. Prepared to be told I'm unreasonable for asking

Just read your last update, sounds like you have one of those ex's too. In that case I would go to cms now but prepare yourself for him playing the system so you get absolutely nothing, which is likely his game plan either way.

I think he was just bluffing cos he didnt like the conversation. He goes on about how life is unfair to him all the time. It's practically his mantra. Doesnt stop to think about anyone else. But he has his good points too. The bad outweighs the good though hence the separation.

I’m not sure it’s that’s good for your ds to get this rosy view of his dad because his mum literally funds his contact. I can’t imagine why you said he can use your shower. At some point your ds is just going to have to realise that’s his dad, and he’s not the best one around.

You have a voluntary arrangement which started off as the same as CMS, then became more (completely voluntarily on his part) when he was out of work, and is now less due to his new higher-paid job.

Legally you can force him to pay more now, but I think it would be reasonable to agree the lower amount until the total of the £30's adds up to the extra he paid when he was out of work.

Overall, his proposal will result in you getting exactly your CMS entitlement, but with less variability, so in a small way it's still a better deal than if you'd stuck to CMS terms throughout.

@timeisnotaline

I’m not sure it’s that’s good for your ds to get this rosy view of his dad because his mum literally funds his contact. I can’t imagine why you said he can use your shower. At some point your ds is just going to have to realise that’s his dad, and he’s not the best one around.

If he is at mine anyway, I can't see a point in being petty if he needs a shower after work if he is spending time with his son. Just as I can't see the point of him being petty over £30 per month that he can well afford, whilst I'm scrimping by every month. We are just very different people.

Overall, his proposal will result in you getting exactly your CMS entitlement, but with less variability, so in a small way it's still a better deal than if you'd stuck to CMS terms throughout

That's a fair point. Just bugs me that he hadn't even thought of any of this til I brought it up. It could have carried on forever and day if I hadn't have made him think about it. If he doubled his earnings he still wouldnt have given it a second thought. I'm glad I've raised it now and not ten years down the line.

It’s not in any way petty if you’re scrimping. It’s basic sensible budgeting - looking after your child because they are the priority instead of the big baby you aren’t in a relationship with anymore. Just like it’s not petty to ask for your change at the shop (back in the days when we used real money)

You're divorced! It's weird! Your complaining that he's acting like this but you're indulging it. You're enabling him to act like a big baby but then expecting him to take responsibility for your son. Of course he's never going to that when you're still pandering to him.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

You're divorced! It's weird! Your complaining that he's acting like this but you're indulging it. You're enabling him to act like a big baby but then expecting him to take responsibility for your son. Of course he's never going to that when you're still pandering to him.

We were never married. It is a weird setup, I'm well aware of this. He would barely see ds if I didnt facilitate it. And why should he not spend time with his son, parent him, do his bit? Its what we both signed up for in choosing to have ds. Men always get the opt out though.

He's not though is he? How is coming for his tea at his ex girlfriends parenting? Getting a shower?

I think you're kidding yourself a little bit.

I'm not suggesting he should opt out, I'm suggesting the opposite. He needs to actually look after ds away from you.

You're the one giving him the opt out here.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

He's not though is he? How is coming for his tea at his ex girlfriends parenting? Getting a shower?

I think you're kidding yourself a little bit.

I'm not suggesting he should opt out, I'm suggesting the opposite. He needs to actually look after ds away from you.

You're the one giving him the opt out here.

I 100% agree but he won't and he kicked up a fuss about it. He will not do the very reasonable things you are suggesting. I can't force him to and I want ds to have a relationship with his dad. He is 6 years old. He wont be 6 forever so I'm making sure he has a bond in place with the other parent. Not my job I know, but I've seen how this goes. I'm doing it for my son and only my son. If it means swallowing a bit of pride and letting ex take some liberties I'll do that.

I know what you mean, and I understand why you're doing it, in a way, but it will fall apart at some point, won't it?

@Cmsadvice

I've told him he is morally obligated to his son. His reply was I'm a cheeky bastard and that he will move to another country where his relatives live so he won't have to pay at all.

Wow, what an absolute peach. I think you have the patience of a saint, OP.

He sounds like a useless waste of space. What a total child he is. Jesus. I wonder if the poster who called him a saint for paying when he made himself deliberately unemployed, has had a rethink.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I know what you mean, and I understand why you're doing it, in a way, but it will fall apart at some point, won't it?

I'm hoping it will hold out long enough til ds is a bit more independent. Can walk home from school etc. It should get easier then. Ex would be a stranger to me if not for sharing a child. I'd much prefer that if I'm honest rather than the aggro it brings but my son needs his dad.

I know you’re doing your level best to facilitate contact for your son’s benefit, but at what point are you going to let the dad fail your son? Because he already is and will continue to do so. He sounds like a very poor role model, too. I’m very sorry, OP.

I do get it @Cmsadvice it's just not fair on your son or you is it

Jibberjabber that was one of his nicer comebacks and I'm so used to it now it's water off a ducks back. A few years ago comments like that would have had me in floods of tears for days.

Just talking about the financials here

Whilst you’re within your rights to go to cms and get it increased, he has been paying whilst not earning, and if I were him I’d feel you were only reverting to the cms when it suited you, and I’d managed to continue paying when I (legally, not morally) didn’t have to

Fine if you want to do that, but I’d remember that, and if my income ever fluctuated again you’d be sure my payments would too

Think carefully if you want to follow the letter of what should be paid, or the spirit…

@Cmsadvice

Jibberjabber that was one of his nicer comebacks and I'm so used to it now it's water off a ducks back. A few years ago comments like that would have had me in floods of tears for days.

You say your son needs his dad, but does he really need this awful, weak person in his life? Is that really a benefit to him? I would be fearful if my son learning to treat women that way he treats you.

@Jibberjabberhutt

I know you’re doing your level best to facilitate contact for your son’s benefit, but at what point are you going to let the dad fail your son? Because he already is and will continue to do so. He sounds like a very poor role model, too. I’m very sorry, OP.

It would feel like MY failing if ds didnt see his dad often. I know that sounds daft written down. But I dont want ds to think I didn't try. I don't want him to blame me if his dad doesnt see him often. He cries for his dad some nights and it breaks my heart.

In all, I just want to coparent as best as I can given the circumstances. Ex lives 25 miles away and theres not much I can do about that. I work in the opposite direction and ds is settled in school. So moving close to ex isnt viable.

Some of these responses are depressing, acting like the NRP is some sort of Prince for continuing to support his son while he has the financial means.

£30 extra per month will likely cover the cost of living rise that the NRP is somewhat shielded from, living with his parents and only having to budget for himself minus the 12% maintenance.

My ex refused to pay while our son dropped out of college and sat in his bedroom for a year during the pandemic, suffering with his mental health. Not a great time to get a job. The CMS allowed him to do it. But morally, he's a twat. I had to use the CMS as I wasn't able to squeeze a penny out of him otherwise.

There is no way you should be paying him back. He did the right thing as a parent.

Dipped into savings when income was slow.

If he becomes SE you will struggle to get anything from him. Via CMS. Some men deliberately take this route to avoid paying for their children.

So, of course you should go via CMS and your child should benefit from the extra 30 quid. But it could cause you problems long term.

He sounds like a twat and I wouldn't have him in my house and certainly not in my shower!

Yes it is sad and depressing that men procreate then think they are hard done by when the relationship goes sour. With very little thought to their childrens welfare, meanwhile mums tend to bear the brunt of it all.

Hope your son is ok Sooper