Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance advice needed.

151 replies

Cmsadvice · 29/11/2021 23:00

Hello. I've name changed for this.

Ex and I have been separated for a few years. We have a son. He was employed and paid x amount a month in accordance with cms guidance. We didnt go through cms legally as we didn't feel it necessary. End of last year, ex quit his job to go self employed. He didn't actually end up going SE as it fell through with one thing and another. He has a stash of savings so continued to pay for our son at x amount a month.

Since September he has found full time work which is a higher income than his previous job. Today I broached the subject as he is still paying me a flat rate of x. When I ran the new figures through the cms calculator, according to that he should be paying y (more than what he is doing).

He has said that because he continued to pay me throughout his unemployment, he shouldn't have to pay more now. Its only £30 a month more. He said he will deduct what he has paid throughout the months he wasnt working until I have squared up with him.

Is this correct? Thanks for all and any advice. Prepared to be told I'm unreasonable for asking

OP posts:
averythinline · 30/11/2021 11:11

Go to CMS - get things sorted once and then you dont need to think about it again.... his response to that is up to him ...

re the relationship with ds maybe have a think about going forward when you think DS could stay up later.... it is not good for him to see you having to facilitate the relationship quite this much - as thats not modelling a healthy model by leeting him shower in the house/have dinner together but can understand why at this age...its quite a confusing message which maybe why he gets upset as theres lots of 'leavings'

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 11:18

@averythinline

Go to CMS - get things sorted once and then you dont need to think about it again.... his response to that is up to him ...

re the relationship with ds maybe have a think about going forward when you think DS could stay up later.... it is not good for him to see you having to facilitate the relationship quite this much - as thats not modelling a healthy model by leeting him shower in the house/have dinner together but can understand why at this age...its quite a confusing message which maybe why he gets upset as theres lots of 'leavings'

You think I should lessen it off? Open to all and any advice right now.
OP posts:
BillMasen · 30/11/2021 11:29

@GabriellaMontez

There is no way you should be paying him back. He did the right thing as a parent.

Dipped into savings when income was slow.

If he becomes SE you will struggle to get anything from him. Via CMS. Some men deliberately take this route to avoid paying for their children.

So, of course you should go via CMS and your child should benefit from the extra 30 quid. But it could cause you problems long term.

He sounds like a twat and I wouldn't have him in my house and certainly not in my shower!

Do when income drops do you feel not he should feel that impact, dip into savings? Shouldn’t both parties share that burden?

He used savings to ensure her income didn’t change. Yes that’s right and proper but I don’t think he’s that out of order asking for the payments to stay where they are for a bit.

BillMasen · 30/11/2021 11:32

Bloody auto correct
My point was that only he feels the impact of an income drop. Isn’t it fair that both should do?

LittleMysSister · 30/11/2021 11:32

@Cmsadvice

I think it's really admirable that you're doing this, but tbh if it doesn't work for him to see DS during the week due to DS being too young to get home a little later then I'd be pushing for it to stop now tbh.

Apologies, I'm not sure I understand. You mean lessen contact between ex and ds?

Tbh yeah I would, if the condition of such frequent contact was that it had to be in my home, having dinner with me, 3 times a week. I'd be switching to EOW, otherwise where does it end?

Obviously it depends on your son's age, but if he's really little with a 25 mile distance I'd be expecting ex to organise his working hours so that he can do one school pick up, an overnight, then school drop off each week. Then he can still see DS during the week, and he'll have him every other weekend, but you're not hosting him 3 times a week.

Soopermum1 · 30/11/2021 11:38

@BillMasen so, by your logic, if the RP jacks in their job, the NRP should pay more to cover the shortfall?

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 11:38

Obviously it depends on your son's age, but if he's really little with a 25 mile distance I'd be expecting ex to organise his working hours so that he can do one school pick up, an overnight, then school drop off each week. Then he can still see DS during the week, and he'll have him every other weekend, but you're not hosting him 3 times a week.*

The amount of abuse I'd receive for suggesting this.... I can already hear it in my head. It wouldn't happen and ex would get verbally abusive as is his MO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 11:38

Bold fail, sorry.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/11/2021 11:45

[quote Soopermum1]@BillMasen so, by your logic, if the RP jacks in their job, the NRP should pay more to cover the shortfall?[/quote]
The rp would receive benefits if they jacked their job in because they are responsible for the child. The nrp wouldn't so it's not really comparable.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/11/2021 11:46

If that's the case @Cmsadvice and he really has that little regard for his son, is he someone you really want to be involved?

I'm not suggesting you stop contact but if he's only seeing your son because he gets fed... What type of dad is that?

I speak from experience btw. My dad is also very shit.

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 11:46

@BillMasen

Bloody auto correct My point was that only he feels the impact of an income drop. Isn’t it fair that both should do?
I've already felt the impact of an income drop. His income has risen massively considering he gets to keep 90% of his earnings with no food shop, rent or bills.
OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/11/2021 11:47

I’d think it would be better parenting to stop facilitating and let all your energy be for parenting ds. Let him see you smile and tell your ex not in my house you won’t, and he will learn relationship skills. I know it feels like the right thing to do, but it’s not. Make your home a safe space where he has a safe family. His dad doesn’t step foot in it.

LittleMysSister · 30/11/2021 11:51

@Cmsadvice

Obviously it depends on your son's age, but if he's really little with a 25 mile distance I'd be expecting ex to organise his working hours so that he can do one school pick up, an overnight, then school drop off each week. Then he can still see DS during the week, and he'll have him every other weekend, but you're not hosting him 3 times a week.*

The amount of abuse I'd receive for suggesting this.... I can already hear it in my head. It wouldn't happen and ex would get verbally abusive as is his MO.

This is so unfair though OP. If he lives 25 miles away, realistically how many more years will you be expected to host him in your house 3 times a week, rather than him taking DC back to his?

Do you think he'd ever be up for doing an overnight and school run in the morning, when DC is older and he can collect after work? This is really the only way he can continue doing contact during the week long-term.

LittleMysSister · 30/11/2021 11:52

Also, if he gets verbally abusive with you I wouldn't be doing him any favours moneywise. I would go via CMS asap.

Hankunamatata · 30/11/2021 11:53

OP unless he is being abusive to you I think you are doing a great thing facilitating contact for your son. As ds gets older you can reduce amount of time at yours. At the moment you are putting ds first and letting him have time with his dad.

BillMasen · 30/11/2021 12:01

[quote Soopermum1]@BillMasen so, by your logic, if the RP jacks in their job, the NRP should pay more to cover the shortfall?[/quote]
Yeah I think any decent nrp would cover a bit more in that situation for a while.

Just as any decent rp would take a bit less if the nrp wasn’t earning for a while

Look, I’m a nrp (pay more than cms just for transparency). I had some time between jobs a while bavk and carried on paying, albeit a bit less than normal. If my ex needed more contributions due to losing her income I’d contribute a bit more.

Soopermum1 · 30/11/2021 12:07

@BillMasen glad you did, and would be prepared to do, the right thing.

My point here is that, at the time, the NRP did the right thing at the time, he doesn't deserve a round of applause for it, though.

Paying child maintenance, when you have the ability to pay it should be a given, legally and morally. And it doesn't seem to always be seen that way.

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 12:10

Do you think he'd ever be up for doing an overnight and school run in the morning, when DC is older and he can collect after work? This is really the only way he can continue doing contact during the week long-term.*

That would be a logistical nightmare and would mean both of them waking up really early to get ds to school, plus ex starts work early (at present). The journey from exes parents house to mine takes around 40 mins. Ex works somewhere inbetween so he isn't likely to want to double back on himself. I'd get bollocked for suggesting it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 12:13

@Hankunamatata

OP unless he is being abusive to you I think you are doing a great thing facilitating contact for your son. As ds gets older you can reduce amount of time at yours. At the moment you are putting ds first and letting him have time with his dad.
Well the abuse was one of the many, many reasons I left him. He is fine with me as long as I tow the line. He is horrible when I say something he doesn't want to hear. He doesn't do discussion. Just shouting and name calling but that's another story.
OP posts:
BillMasen · 30/11/2021 12:29

[quote Soopermum1]@BillMasen glad you did, and would be prepared to do, the right thing.

My point here is that, at the time, the NRP did the right thing at the time, he doesn't deserve a round of applause for it, though.

Paying child maintenance, when you have the ability to pay it should be a given, legally and morally. And it doesn't seem to always be seen that way.[/quote]
No round of applause, but perhaps the rp just giving him a bit more time/space

LittleMysSister · 30/11/2021 12:36

@Cmsadvice

* Do you think he'd ever be up for doing an overnight and school run in the morning, when DC is older and he can collect after work? This is really the only way he can continue doing contact during the week long-term.*

That would be a logistical nightmare and would mean both of them waking up really early to get ds to school, plus ex starts work early (at present). The journey from exes parents house to mine takes around 40 mins. Ex works somewhere inbetween so he isn't likely to want to double back on himself. I'd get bollocked for suggesting it.

But then this is what I mean, this leaves him coming to your house multiple times a week until your child finishes school??

This is why I'd be trying to change it to EOW now tbh, because there is no end in sight and it doesn't sound like he'd ever do/be able to do a school run.

Obviously I know this isn't what you initially posted about so not meaning to speak out of turn on something you might be fine with, but just food for thought x

BigYellowHat · 30/11/2021 12:43

‘Square things up’ I’m outraged on your behalf! Sounds like he’s negotiating a new Sky contract, not child maintenance. Straight to the CMS.

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 12:46

Thanks Little I appreciate all advice and it is certainly something to think about.

OP posts:
BigYellowHat · 30/11/2021 12:46

Also, don’t ever feel ‘grateful’ that your ex pays. The child is his responsibility too.

Your ex is the one who should feel grateful that he had savings and could continue paying.

Original poster
Cmsadvice · 30/11/2021 12:48

@BigYellowHat

‘Square things up’ I’m outraged on your behalf! Sounds like he’s negotiating a new Sky contract, not child maintenance. Straight to the CMS.
That's what he is like on his dealings with people generally. Mercenary.
OP posts: