AIBU to not know whether to stay abroad or leave?

[ricepolo]

Moved as a family to European country this summer. DC (5 and 9) are not settling. Miss their friends terribly: crying regularly for them. Not settling locally for many reasons, particularly language but also school day (international school so a distance away and they get back too late for any local activities eg swimming club). I’ve spent hours and hours and hours trying to find other activities for them but it’s not possible: they just don’t exist here. School is good on paper but not supporting them academically as we’d want really. Local schools aren’t an option since they don’t speak the language. Their lives seem very colour-free compared to what we had in England where life was full and rich.

DH has a job he very much enjoys here (the reason for moving) and would have to commute or find something new if we left. My work could be done anywhere, albeit with a bit of moving things around.

We honestly thought the life here would be wonderful and offer the children a great opportunity. But it feels like we’re trying to force square pegs into round holes.

What do we do? Wait it out and let the kids adjust? Move back? We couldn’t move until the end of this school year. I know it’s not been that long but I don’t want them to get used to being here in the same way you get used to eg someone dying (sorry if that’s a crass example-someone compared the process they’re going through to a bereavement so I can’t think of a better one): a “having to deal with it, so learning coping mechanisms in order to do so” sort of thing. I know moving abroad takes time to settle: we’ve done it twice before but before children so it’s different this time. It breaks my heart to see them so sad. I don’t know what to do.

I am a teacher in lreland and we have children arriving from everywhere who join the local school with no English and within a few months they are flying at speaking it. Could you not put them in the local school and they will end up speaking a foreign language fluently, make local friends, get home earlier among other things.

No that’s not an option. I don’t believe that it’d happen that quickly for a start, plus it’d be upsetting for them to spend time in a school where they understand nothing and can’t make friends for months.

My dd started school at four without knowing the language. She made friends very quickly and learnt the language in no time

If you only moved in the summer you haven't given it long enough yet. And your children will be following your lead, if they think you are unhappy, they will be unhappy. I agree with the others that your kids will pick up the language quickly, don't deny them that opportunity, they are little sponges at that age. So you should give it some more time. However, moving countries doesn't suit everyone. I loved it, but YMMV.

Kids can make friends quickly even when they don't speak the same language. I would try moving them to the local school. There will be lots of benefits.

Agree with all the other comments. You need to give it more time. I would move the children into a local school. They will pick up the language plus you will have more time to take them to local activities and make friends.

Thé problem is you've only half committed. They'll always speak English at home but until they are schooled locally they'll never have local friends and it'll take them forever to speak the language.
Do you speak the language? If not you need to really throw yourself into it too.

I moved to the UK when I was eight, despite not speaking English I made friends within two weeks, my English was very good by about month three. Unless learning difficulties or hearing impairments are in play your children will learn their new language quickly.

As a family how are you learning the language at the moment? Not knowing the local language has shown to have an isolating effect for a lot of people.

Agree with other posters, you need to get them in the local school. At 5&9 they would pick the language up in no time. Is there a expat community near you that you can immerse yourself into and make friends? . We moved abroad 2 years ago and absolutely love it. The freedom our kids have ( teens) is amazing and it feels so safe . You really need to give it longer for everyone to settle .

OP has said very clearly that moving the DCs to a local school isn't an option, so it's not much use everyone saying that's what she should do!
I do think you haven't given it very long, though. Is moving closer to the international school a possibility, so that the DCs might be closer to classmates?

Can you move closer to the international school to make logistics easier? Are you living in close proximity to the rest of the international community linked to the school? How many years are you planning to be away? If it's a permanent move then yes local school could be a consideration but it's a big leap to take. If you think you'll be moving back at some point when they're older then I'd stick with international but try to find a way to get more embedded.

We have moved a lot - my kids are preteen/teen and this is our 5th country. It always takes at least a year to settle and make friends so you probably do need to give it a bit longer. Most of our friends for us as adults and for the kids are through the schools we've been part of. We moved last summer and it's been an incredibly hard move in the middle of the pandemic - where we are the international schools aren't able to support the kids or parents in the way they usually would so it may also be the same for you. Friendship groups have been shrunk in size due to measures so it's harder for the new kids to fit in. I really feel for you, it's very hard, but you will settle eventually and so will they. It just takes much longer sometimes than you think it will.

I live abroad too. Most parents just send their children to the local school - learn the language so fast this way and make friends too. My DC goes to a school where no English is spoken and he's learning the language so well and children don't seem to care about not understanding each other. They just play anyway! With the money you save from not going to intl school, I'd also recommend hiring a local nanny to increase your child's exposure to the language. My (too young for school) daughter is already fluent purely due to having a nanny she adores who can't speak English. She's better at the local language than me and her dad and siblings

We’re practically nomadic and have moved a lot. DD speaks 4 languages. English mother tongue and the rest she learned by going to school. She had zero language in all 3 other countries but sending her to school was how she learned. She made friends quickly.

OP don’t underestimate your kids. The last language DD learned was when she was 16. You haven’t given it long enough. Also trying to replicate English life is a mistake. Embrace how the locals live.

Good luck!

I agree that they would be better in a local school. Kids pick up languages really fast, and can make friends while they are learning.

I think you should consider where your house is- can you move closer to the school? Since you are going the international rather than local route are you living in the same area as the more international community?

If your kids had friends and spoke the language, would they still want to live there, or would they want to come back ?

I would also echo the local school advice, even though I know you don't want to hear it. It will open them, and you, up to the local culture and friends and allow you to integrate. It sounds as though you have your head and your heart in two different places. My cousins were moved from the US to a French school when they were 11 and 13. They didn't have a single word of French, but 3 months in they did, and one of them did part of their subsequent legal training in Paris.

My parents lived in Brussels for 10 yrs and said it took about a year to settle properly (my brother and I were 14 and 16 when they moved so stayed at boarding school).

Good luck though. It must be very tough seeing them unhappy after all the upheaval, but it's still early days (even if it doesn't feel like it).

They’re presumably upset because they don’t have nearby friends after school.
Are they having any language lessons?
I would move them to the local school with extra language lessons.

Stick it out and give your kids the gift of being able to live in Europe when theyre older.

I’m not totally convinced a 9 year old is going to pick up a second language that easily..

@Newmum29

I’m not totally convinced a 9 year old is going to pick up a second language that easily..

Why?

My advice is the opposite - move near the international school - I went to one and oh the 40 min journey to and fro really didn’t help. I envied my friends who were able tk do stuff locally after school.

Given you hate the school too, I’d move them to a local one.

I was in the same position as you when my children were small and opted for the International School option. I now seriously regret that I didn't put them into the local school. It really is the best option and they will learn the language and integrate much quicker. It seems harsh but children are very adaptable and within a couple of months they will be part of the community.

@Newmum29

I’m not totally convinced a 9 year old is going to pick up a second language that easily..

We had a child in our school who came from Hungary in Y4 with not a word of English. He passed the 11+ with a seriously impressive score 18 months later. Don't underestimate immersion in a language. (I did a Russian degree from scratch, having not known a letter or word of it when I started, and got a 2:1 after 3 years of study and living there for a year - and I was considerably older than 9!)

Do you mind saying what country OP? We may be able to make better suggestions.