AIBU to not know whether to stay abroad or leave?

[ricepolo]

Moved as a family to European country this summer. DC (5 and 9) are not settling. Miss their friends terribly: crying regularly for them. Not settling locally for many reasons, particularly language but also school day (international school so a distance away and they get back too late for any local activities eg swimming club). I’ve spent hours and hours and hours trying to find other activities for them but it’s not possible: they just don’t exist here. School is good on paper but not supporting them academically as we’d want really. Local schools aren’t an option since they don’t speak the language. Their lives seem very colour-free compared to what we had in England where life was full and rich.

DH has a job he very much enjoys here (the reason for moving) and would have to commute or find something new if we left. My work could be done anywhere, albeit with a bit of moving things around.

We honestly thought the life here would be wonderful and offer the children a great opportunity. But it feels like we’re trying to force square pegs into round holes.

What do we do? Wait it out and let the kids adjust? Move back? We couldn’t move until the end of this school year. I know it’s not been that long but I don’t want them to get used to being here in the same way you get used to eg someone dying (sorry if that’s a crass example-someone compared the process they’re going through to a bereavement so I can’t think of a better one): a “having to deal with it, so learning coping mechanisms in order to do so” sort of thing. I know moving abroad takes time to settle: we’ve done it twice before but before children so it’s different this time. It breaks my heart to see them so sad. I don’t know what to do.

Thank you.

We have a local nanny. I speak the language fluently and work in it daily. We are not against living like the locals, or them learning the language. In fact I don’t like the expat community here: the assumption everyone will speak to them in English makes me cringe.

The local primary school does not have a good reputation; in fact it has a bad one. I know locals who’ve moved their children out of it in favour of the international school. We had planned to send the youngest there initially but the reports about it made us change our minds. It’s not an option: they risk being stuck in a corner and ignored.
I don’t feel the international school is challenging them enough academically. We also can’t move closer to it since then DH would have a 45min drive to work each way, negating one of the reasons we moved: so he could be at home more.

It’s horrible. I feel trapped.

I'd probably give it until next summer, so you've done a full year and your husband isn't quitting his job too quickly! and then if it's still awful, move back home.

Have you ended up swapping your DH’s commute for your children’s commute though? In being further from their school?
If they also have 45 minutes going that way that is rough for young kids.

I do also feel we’ve committed to being here. We’ve bought a lovely new house which will be ready next spring, for example. We want this to work. But my kids are miserable so it’s not.

Kids get the School bus each way. About 25-30mins. We wouldn’t move before next summer anyway: have tenants in our UK home if nothing else.

Some children do not like moving. My 8 year old hated our move to a different town about 30 min away! Cried every evening for about a year. Now so glad we made the move. Some children are very adaptable, but others struggle. I think everyone has had a good idea with the international/local school- surely the problem is even if they make friends at the international school, they are too far away to see them, run about with them and so on. You might be better in the local school even if it is not a great school, just to get their language so they can make local friends.

If you are half out the door, they will know that and continue crying!

Is this your first international move OP? Do you mind saying where you are located? I would really consider making your DPs commute longer in favour of the kids having a shorter journey or you being able to do school run (if possible with your work also). I do firmly believe that for any international move to work then kids and spouse (irrelevant which one - but whoever hasn't been the driver of the move with their job) need to be happy and settled first and foremost. If the school isn't great academically as well then you should also think ahead to how you will feel when they are in secondary, it's easier to move and make big decisions when they are little.

they risk being stuck in a corner and ignored.

Why??!?

You need to give it longer, a minimum of nine months. If you are using international schools integrating into local community will be hard so you will need to accept that they will be expat children as will their friends. Do they make friends on the bus? Also academically it will differ, is it IB which is thematic based and more child led learning in PYP. If you give the dc the idea you may be wavering they will similarly lack commitment.

Thanks again.

We’ve lived abroad before. I studied languages so am used to being in other countries. And I honestly don’t think we’re wavering in front of them. DH has a long term, open ended job. I have a five year contract here. We have bought a new house. I insist on speaking the local language wherever we go outside the house. We’re not wavering in front of them.

They risk being ignored because it’s not a good school. Local parents have told us this repeatedly.

Yes they are doing IB. I find it woolly, honestly. And I don’t feel it allows for them to be pushed and challenged in their areas of strength.

Problem is that few children live close to the international school. They all live a journey away. Maybe moving out of this area and away from the strong expat community would help though: other bits of the city we’re in seem more welcoming and to have a better “community” feel.

I’m a teacher in a city centre school near several international businesses, so we have families coming from all over the world to work. Children regularly start with no English and often speak a language that no one else in the class speaks.

Every child is different, but most do find it hard at first. Often they are more upset about missing all of the things that are familiar, such as food/culture or even having to learn different playground games/rules than not being able to speak the language. However, they do all settle into it with time and support. I think it has been too short a time to make a decision op.

If they get a bus to and from school, what do the other children who get the bus with them do after school? Can they socialise with them?

Can they stay on at school for extracurricular activities or are there weekend clubs and activities they can go to? I do think you need to find a way to immerse them in the local language as this will help them to feel more settled and able to make local friends.

I take the point that we need more time though. Just all came to a head this weekend with some pretty dreadful behaviour from the 9yr old.

They do after school clubs at school. Local ones aren’t available to them because of timings: local schools finish much earlier than the international school so all after school stuff is done by the time they’re home.

I’ve moved internationally 4 times. Twice with kids. EVERY time the first year has been rough, the second much better, and the final year were very sad to leave.

In terms of kids learning languages;
I’m Dutch and my parents moved to the UK. I was born here but we spoke Dutch at home and went to a Dutch international school.

I was nursery when/year 1. We moved away from the international school and I remember having intense English lessons and then went to an English school. I picked up the language really quickly.

As a teenager and beyond, I am useless at learning languages but I picked it up super fast and it was fine going to school and speaking a different language - it was just like putting on uniform.

I can’t help with the rest but just be assured, kids would learn the local language very quickly in a local school.

I'd move home.
The grass is always greener for these things. On that 'wanted down under' program you get people saying 'oooh if we lived here we could (insert anything you could do here but just don't do)'

The thing is if you aren’t necessarily in it for the long term, putting your child in the local school can mean they are very far behind when you go back to the UK. DS is in an international school for that exact reason. He’s 8 and I know he’s eventually learn the language, but he gets very upset if he’s left anywhere where they only speak the local language and he doesn’t understand.

I guess I just want to be sure I’m not harming my children.

Yes Wannakiss. Exactly. We don’t see ourselves growing old here so at some point we will move back and we don’t want them to be behind. Sorry your DS is also like that :(

They risk being ignored because it’s not a good school.
I'm still not getting this. 'stuck in a corner'? Like with a dunce's hat on?Sorry but I don't understand what you mean.

I have to say I think integrating with the community (maybe in a different neighbourhood, as you mention) and the kids immersing in the language seems like the most healthy and happy solution to me.

@IntermittentParps

They risk being ignored because it’s not a good school. I'm still not getting this. 'stuck in a corner'? Like with a dunce's hat on?Sorry but I don't understand what you mean.

I have to say I think integrating with the community (maybe in a different neighbourhood, as you mention) and the kids immersing in the language seems like the most healthy and happy solution to me.

I think she means because they don’t speak the language and the school won’t bother to teach them, so they’ll wind up essentially excluded.

Well you could always send the DC to boarding school in UK while you stay on in the foreign country. My parents did that with me. Sent me to UK while they lived in Nigeria. I visited them on holidays.

Yes Jabberjabber-exactly that.

My parents moved us to a European country when I was 7 and my brother 9. We went to the International school and I would have hated to have gone to the local school. I agree with OP that putting them in the local school would probably make things worse. They will also learn the language at their current school and out and about. My mum said she cried every day for the first 6 months but we were near the school and soon developed a great social circle. I would explore moving closer to the school and trying to immerse yourself in a social circle. Or create one!

@Newmum29

I’m not totally convinced a 9 year old is going to pick up a second language that easily..

I had a child from Poland who, by the end of one year, was completely fluent even young quite complicated Maths terms. She was 11. She had friends from day one as all the children played together and she could join in sports etc. Children are amazing at picking up language