AIBU to not know whether to stay abroad or leave?

[ricepolo]

Moved as a family to European country this summer. DC (5 and 9) are not settling. Miss their friends terribly: crying regularly for them. Not settling locally for many reasons, particularly language but also school day (international school so a distance away and they get back too late for any local activities eg swimming club). I’ve spent hours and hours and hours trying to find other activities for them but it’s not possible: they just don’t exist here. School is good on paper but not supporting them academically as we’d want really. Local schools aren’t an option since they don’t speak the language. Their lives seem very colour-free compared to what we had in England where life was full and rich.

DH has a job he very much enjoys here (the reason for moving) and would have to commute or find something new if we left. My work could be done anywhere, albeit with a bit of moving things around.

We honestly thought the life here would be wonderful and offer the children a great opportunity. But it feels like we’re trying to force square pegs into round holes.

What do we do? Wait it out and let the kids adjust? Move back? We couldn’t move until the end of this school year. I know it’s not been that long but I don’t want them to get used to being here in the same way you get used to eg someone dying (sorry if that’s a crass example-someone compared the process they’re going through to a bereavement so I can’t think of a better one): a “having to deal with it, so learning coping mechanisms in order to do so” sort of thing. I know moving abroad takes time to settle: we’ve done it twice before but before children so it’s different this time. It breaks my heart to see them so sad. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve known plenty of students struggle to achieve their previous level of attainment when learning subjects in a second language, yes.
I wouldn’t be comfortable being so blasé about the education of a child when I have never met them, never met their parents and have no information about them beyond their age.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I’ve known plenty of students struggle to achieve their previous level of attainment when learning subjects in a second language, yes. I wouldn’t be comfortable being so blasé about the education of a child when I have never met them, never met their parents and have no information about them beyond their age.

I find it odd you're so blasé about the wellbeing of a child you've never met. I wouldn't want any child of mine growing up in a country without the chance to learn the local language, join in activities or do pretty much anything other than go to school.

Horses for courses, I guess.

I guess so

@Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday

I’ve moved internationally 4 times. Twice with kids. EVERY time the first year has been rough, the second much better, and the final year were very sad to leave.

This. First year is awful. Every time.

I wouldn't move then but I would focus on where you live. Are there children around? They need to make friends with local kids.

Op, in answer to your question, I think you should give it a year. By then your children will have made friends and you’ll have a better idea of areas and where you might like to move to and settle.

It takes a year to 2 years for children of school age to adapt to a new country. Give it a bit longer.

Ah if it's Germany then I would definitely put them in a local school. I expected you to say it was a developing country with no resources - I can't imagine they'll be shoved in a corner and forgotten about in a German school?

Not the same situation but my children are in a language school and the speed of their language acquisition has been really impressive. You can expect near fluency after the first year with your 5yo. I'm not sure what it's like for older DC as I'm not there yet.

We don’t see ourselves growing old here so at some point we will move back and we don’t want them to be behind.

However, I know you said you've no immediate plans to leave but you're comment above doesn't sound like you're committed to the long term. If you're planning to leave before they've finished school then I'd just save the agro and move back now personally. Seems cruel to have them upset for ages only to eventually settle in before moving them on again when they've finally assimilated into the culture.

DH and I are currently discussing a move to Australia as he's received a very tempting job offer but I won't go unless he commits to staying there at least until the DC reach university. It's too big a move to be springing back and forth during their school years, I'd be concerned about the lack of stability. We've lived there before though so we know what we're getting into and obviously no language barrier so that makes things much easier than your situation.

As others have said I would look into other local schools, the one with the bad reputation can't be the only one around.
You said you have bought a house, is there a better school where you will be moving to?
I would contact some schools, ask to meet with the head and see what they say about integration. You could also contact your local council for suggestions of schools and those that have free places.
You said your little one is 5, normal school starting age is 6, so I would see what options there are for him for the remainder of the year (kita?) and then start him in a local school in September.

If I were you I would also discuss this with your kids, or at least I would with mine (4 and 6). I, too, live in a German speaking country now and we've just done the school applications for my 6yo. I discussed the choices with her and decided together where she should go. Certainly the 9yo I would give options and have him have a say. It might make the transition a lot more successful if he's had a hand in the decision making process.

@Bloodybridget

OP has said very clearly that moving the DCs to a local school isn't an option, so it's not much use everyone saying that's what she should do! I do think you haven't given it very long, though. Is moving closer to the international school a possibility, so that the DCs might be closer to classmates?

It's only not an option because of the language barrier initially but I think the OP will be surprised how quickly they will pick it up. That's how most children manage. I think its a terrible shame and a waste of a great opportunity if you don't immerse yourself in the language and culture.

Sorry, I've since read the OP is going to do this. Well done OP, great decision, I hope it works out well 😊

We are also in Germany (down south). The first year or so was difficult but got progressively easier. The best thing about local schools here, IMO, is that when they are ten, they change to the Gymnasium/Hochschule/Mittelschule. In the east, where we are going to move to, the school is all in one, so the kids can, theoretically, move to which suits them best.

We were recommended by another expat family to not go to the international school because their own children had real problems integrating and their German still wasn't perfect after several years. This was because they spoke predominantly English in the school. So we ended up enrolling ours in local schools.

Overall, in terms of integration, I think we made the right decision to go local. Our kids do attend different schools. One is overwhelmingly better than the other but my husband says if they have a good teacher, and they are learning, then that is the most important thing. Plus, the local schools offers great extracurricular activities from the Grundschule up, like debating and school newsletter writing (great for improving German).

There are also the local Sport Verein which have things like handball, soccer, gymnastics, judo and so on, which are great places to build friendships, as well as the girl guides/scouts clubs (called Pfadfinder).

Small tip too. Parents often want their German kids to make friends with native English speakers, because they want their kids to be as fluent as early as possible.

The other things that probably has made life more difficult is this corona situation here. We have spent so much time home-schooling, including recently, and it has been difficult supporting the kids in another language, regardless of our own language and education level.

It is often hard work, isn't it, but I hope it gets better. That said, it isn't for everyone. I wish you all the best in figuring this out.

Your kids don't have family time if they don't get home until late. Why should they be the ones who come home late, not your husband?

You probably do need more time for your children to settle. They will be missing their friends and everything that is familiar to them. When we first moved overseas I wasn't working but it was still hard for them at first.
They will also be meeting lots of children in similar situations to themselves which should make it easier to form friendships than in a local school. The IB programme might seem wooly but it is designed to prepare them for IB Diploma which is pretty demanding. What are the schools IB diploma results like?

This was never going to be easy for them and they need time.

Sorry just read your update. Going part time for a while to support them is a very good idea.