Am I being selfish or is my friend being a CF?

[Hop27]

I'm exhausted, the year has been long and tough for lots of reasons. DH and I both have 3 weeks off from work coming up and we really need it.
A good friend is in the early stages of separation from her DH (2 kids involved) I am trying to be supporting but I'm finding it emotionally very draining.
She messaged me last weekend, asking if she could have a 'safe space' to see her kids and spend the afternoon at mine. I said not a problem, come over. However, that afternoon turned into 3 days. During her time staying at mine, her kids were asking what the plan was moving forward and she openly told them the plan was to be nomads for a while. She kept showing me pictures of house sitting homes available or terrible dumps of rentals that she could make work with her budget. (DH is in the family home, works PT and is the primary carer) She keeps hinting that staying at mine (or somewhere like mine) would be the best thing for her and the kids. She knows we have the space to host them as a family, the kids love the house because we have a pool.
It's just too much, I'm exhausted. I can't cope with 2 loud kids in the house, the drain of someone who is going through a tough time. I don't know if I'm being really cold hearted or if she's being a CF because my house is a nicer/easier option than her family who also close by and she isn't ready to tell her family yet.
AIBU to need a bit of space over Christmas or do I need to do the right thing and offer her somewhere to stay?

I’m not sure why so many PP are calling her desperate. Unless there’s some big backstory we don’t know about:

• She has a full time job (since her DH is primary carer I’m assuming this?)
• Doesn’t have kids full time
• has family nearby. If you’re such good friends surely you’d know if there was a big issue.
• Chose to divorce him for ‘incompatibilities’ and issues with stepchildren.

Yes it’s a difficult time but she wasn’t endangered and forced to leave. She’s not desperate. If she was just unhappy she could have planned.

From what I have read she doesn’t seem desperate, more manipulative. And thinking everyone should be running around to help her for something she caused.

Just Say No! And mean it. She will have to do what thousands of others have done/are doing and work it out for herself. If there is no abuse going on then she will need to stay in the marital home until the divorce. Being separated and divorced means being responsible for your own housing arrangements, not expecting your friends to take on the role of parents. She and the children are not homeless.

When you have your 3 weeks off, stay off social media, turn off the phones and pretend you are away.

@Mamamia7962

The mistake you made was letting her stay for those three days. Why is she the one who has to leave their home? Very unsettling for the children.

How?

The father is the primary carer for the children according to the OP, I was a child in a bitter divorce and it was made very clear whoever got primary custody of me got the home.

It was the ONLY reason my bio dad applied for custody, in the end my mam got primary custody and the house and he got weekends and never once showed up to pick me up as he only wanted the house (which he told me to my face as an adult when I asked why he never came).

Her family are nearby, and she hasn't told them yet? Perhaps you could offer to help by acting as intermediary and helping her to put them in the picture. Point out to her that the children are likely to let something slip sooner or later. I think her reaction to your offer of help could be telling.

@Nimchinge

So if you aren't going to help the woman out now, then when?

I understand you not wanting to but calling her a CF?

Friends are supposed to be there when the shit hits the fan. You're making a thread about it instead.

I'm afraid I think the friend is massive CF too. The showing you all the pics of the dump properties is a bit too.... I mean you wouldn't seriously expect her to go live there when you have a pool op ?! She should not be imposing on you when she has family nearby, she has absolutely no idea what is going off behind your closed doors ( the much wanted time you need off ) The friend is indeed a CF & she's using her kids here to play at OP's heartstrings. CF should absolutely reside with family instead! I'm not sure I would be engaging anymore with the friend re this.

There are many factors at play here.

How did your friend initially visit for an afternoon then stay for three days? Did she conveniently have three days worth of clothes packed for her and dc in the car?

You mention your friend likes your home as it has a pool. Her choice to stay with you hangs on the fact that you have a nice, large home which meets her needs. If you lived in a standard three bed terrace, would she be as keen?

It appears your friend is dictating to you when she will stay. It is your home so you make the rules, whether you allow her to stay for one night a week or one weekend a month.

You clearly have the means and the room to help but it must be on your terms.

@Hop27

I'm exhausted, the year has been long and tough for lots of reasons. DH and I both have 3 weeks off from work coming up and we really need it. A good friend is in the early stages of separation from her DH (2 kids involved) I am trying to be supporting but I'm finding it emotionally very draining. She messaged me last weekend, asking if she could have a 'safe space' to see her kids and spend the afternoon at mine. I said not a problem, come over. However, that afternoon turned into 3 days. During her time staying at mine, her kids were asking what the plan was moving forward and she openly told them the plan was to be nomads for a while. She kept showing me pictures of house sitting homes available or terrible dumps of rentals that she could make work with her budget. (DH is in the family home, works PT and is the primary carer) She keeps hinting that staying at mine (or somewhere like mine) would be the best thing for her and the kids. She knows we have the space to host them as a family, the kids love the house because we have a pool. It's just too much, I'm exhausted. I can't cope with 2 loud kids in the house, the drain of someone who is going through a tough time. I don't know if I'm being really cold hearted or if she's being a CF because my house is a nicer/easier option than her family who also close by and she isn't ready to tell her family yet. AIBU to need a bit of space over Christmas or do I need to do the right thing and offer her somewhere to stay?

Two things jump out at me from the OP:

1. "I'm exhausted, the year has been long and tough for lots of reasons. DH and I both have 3 weeks off from work coming up and we really need it."

1. "A good friend is in the early stages of separation from her DH" and that "she isn't ready to tell her family yet."

The "she isn't ready to tell her family yet" is very telling to me. Why not, is there a backstory to that? There may be, but I think you'd have mentioned it if there were, so I'm going to assume there isn't. In which case, yes - she is using you as the "nicer/easier option" - easier for her, especially as she has chosen to ignore that you have been through a tough time of late. Making things easier on yourself almost always makes things harder for others, when all you are doing is shifting the effort onto someone else's shoulders.

The cynical side of me thinks she might even be using your tough year against you - you don't have the energy to set boundaries and she can take advantage of that. Turning an afternoon into a three-day stay points to that. I assume she brought her and the kids' overnight stuff with her? As in, planned it?

How long does she plan to keep her family in the dark - and why? The children obviously know, they're asking her what they're doing in the future and she is totally doing the wrong thing telling them they're going to be nomads! Do children not need a sense of security in her alternate universe? It strikes me she said that to pile the pressure on you. You were the audience for that comment of hers, not the children. That's so manipulative. I suspect she hasn't told her family because they have the energy to ask the questions you're too exhausted to even think. Questions like 'what the fuck are you doing' and 'where are you going to live' and 'where are the children going to live'.

If she's a friend she should be aware of at least some of what has made this year so tough for you and your husband. She's putting all that to one side because it suits her to do so. It suits her to land herself on you rather than face her family's questions and reactions. She doesn't want the narrative she's told herself to be countered with robust and probing questions, the type of questions you are too exhausted to pursue.

I don't see her as a CF but I do see her as a manipulative user.

I think you need to send her on her way. Tell her you do not have the emotional resources to support her and that she needs to call on her family for that. Be very blunt that you see her "showing me pictures of house sitting homes available or terrible dumps of rentals that she could make work with her budget" as the manipulation that it is and that you are very hurt that she would try to guilt you in this way. Be very blunt that you have had a tough year and that you need to prioritise yourself right now (because IMO you really, really do need to do that).

No, I don’t think she is being a CF, she is having a difficult time, maybe I am too naive about stuff like this but I would help out temporarily if I could

I don't think she is a cf, maybe she just doesn't have mental capacity to think of others due to the circumstances at the moment.

But I don't think you are selfish not to accommodate her needs, if that's too stressful.

But strangely does have the capacity to refer to herself and her kids as nomads in front of her kids.

She knows exactly what she’s doing.

Yeah, whatever her situation, you don't just turn up at your mate's house and expect to stay without a discussion and an offer. Doesn't sound like that has happened.

Personally I'd tell her this is not a long-term solution and she needs to go an stay with family. If you're finding that difficult, tell her you have people staying in a couple of days so she needs to either go back home to sort something out elsewhere. You're under no obligation to house someone else, friend or otherwise.

@Hop27 - in relation to this point you made She has said - she knows she can come if she's really stuck, which is a big assumption on her part. you now know that you must dissuade her of this assumption.
"Oh CFFriend, you caught me off guard the last time we spoke when you said that you knew that you could come and stay with me and DH if you're really stuck. I just want you to know that as your friend I will be there to support you but that doesn't extend to having you to stay. You need to sort out long term accommodation for you and the kids before you leave your DH. If I can be any help in making a few phone calls, let me know but they may only want to deal with you. When you get sorted, I can help with decorating or helping you look for furnishings to kit the place out, but we can't put you up while you do that. Just in case you're hoping to arrive with the kids and a few suitcases. That doesn't work for DH or me."

I'd help financially if she was in a real bind, because I can afford it, but I wouldn't have anyone to stay more than a couple of days.

surely though at some point at end of afternoon 1 you said she could stay overnight? so is she a CF if you offered?

one assumes she didn't take them upstairs and barricade them all into a guest room? and you didn't ask them to leave at any point?

Have you got a partner living with you ? Can you say that they aren't into it ?

I think you have to make it clear that helping her doesn't mean them staying at yours.
The longer they are there the harder it would be to get them to leave.
If you are not feeling like it at the beginning imagine how it would work out in the long run.
Helping would be supporting her to find somewhere of her own and making it nice for when the children stay. She needs a long term solution.

This has happened to me a couple of times when I nearly said yes and then thought about how much my husband and children would HATE it.

I don’t understand how someone can arrange to visit for an afternoon with their children and then stay for 3 days. There must have been a conversation beforehand and the friend stayed with OP’s agreement.

@burnoutbabe

surely though at some point at end of afternoon 1 you said she could stay overnight? so is she a CF if you offered?

one assumes she didn't take them upstairs and barricade them all into a guest room? and you didn't ask them to leave at any point?

She's also a CF if she stayed late and then put OP on the spot about how she may as well stay seeing as it's so late.

@bevelino

I don’t understand how someone can arrange to visit for an afternoon with their children and then stay for 3 days. There must have been a conversation beforehand and the friend stayed with OP’s agreement.

Well she calls herself a nomad so probably has a bag of stuff in her car.

She has said - she knows she can come if she's really stuck, which is a big assumption on her part.

No.

She hasn't even asked you, she's just hoping to push her way in.
You've said she has family but hasn't told them. She needs to do that.

Don't have her round even for an afternoon with the kids, because of her staying for 3 days before.
You can't trust her.

YABU for letting one afternoon turn in to 3 days in the first place. How does that happen? Surely at tea time it becomes, “well, lovely to see you but we really must get on” How was she able to just keep her kids for 3 days if she had an afternoon visit?

You have shown her you are a pushover and she is working on that. Say no and say it firmly, no ambiguity.

She's also a CF if she stayed late and then put OP on the spot about how she may as well stay seeing as it's so late.

To which the response would be “sorry, that doesn’t work for us”

Look Deirdre, You need to start facing up to this decision you have made, & find alternative accommodation, unfortunately it cannot be here.
You need to tell your family, they may have contacts that can help you.
You have already been here for 3 days, but you will need to move to your Mums until you find accommodation.
Then "it doesn't work for me/us" & repeat.

You don't sound much of a friend, your post isn't very kind. Is she stuck, can she go to her family, is there room. Why can't she stay at home until they sell the house, lots of couples live like this. You havn't given much information but just that having a friend who is needy is not for you. I hope you are never needy.