Am I being selfish or is my friend being a CF?

[Hop27]

I'm exhausted, the year has been long and tough for lots of reasons. DH and I both have 3 weeks off from work coming up and we really need it.
A good friend is in the early stages of separation from her DH (2 kids involved) I am trying to be supporting but I'm finding it emotionally very draining.
She messaged me last weekend, asking if she could have a 'safe space' to see her kids and spend the afternoon at mine. I said not a problem, come over. However, that afternoon turned into 3 days. During her time staying at mine, her kids were asking what the plan was moving forward and she openly told them the plan was to be nomads for a while. She kept showing me pictures of house sitting homes available or terrible dumps of rentals that she could make work with her budget. (DH is in the family home, works PT and is the primary carer) She keeps hinting that staying at mine (or somewhere like mine) would be the best thing for her and the kids. She knows we have the space to host them as a family, the kids love the house because we have a pool.
It's just too much, I'm exhausted. I can't cope with 2 loud kids in the house, the drain of someone who is going through a tough time. I don't know if I'm being really cold hearted or if she's being a CF because my house is a nicer/easier option than her family who also close by and she isn't ready to tell her family yet.
AIBU to need a bit of space over Christmas or do I need to do the right thing and offer her somewhere to stay?

@Figgygal

No way should you let her stay She needs a proper plan and invading your home isnt it

I agree with this. While she is with you, where would be the incentive to move out? She needs a proper plan and support to implement it.

When I was heavily pregnant and working 7 days a week to save as much money as I could, I allowed a friend to move in with me who was escaping an abusive relationship. I didn't want to. I was exhausted. But I convinced myself this is what good friends do. I charged her no rent or bills either. But she was constantly coming in late with random blokes in tow. Once she woke me up at 2am to tell me she had met someone and he was in my living room, and then at 3am she woke me up again to ask if dp could get rid of him. I later found out she had been helping herself to dp's whisky he had from his birthday. Then she eventually went back to her ex and lied about it. I still bitterly resent her for making the last few months of my pregnancy more stressful than they should have been.

Not even a stable you can offer OP?

I’d meet her and have a talk about a proper plan for her (not in your house) and explain re you getting stressed, time off work and the inevitable drama she’ll bring.

To be honest she sees herself as a good friend of yours but if you didn’t have the nice, big house with a pool I’m sure she’d find somewhere else and most people ask to stay somewhere, they don’t just stay by default.

She's cheeky for dropping hints and telling the kids in front of you they'll be nomads, basically trying to emotionally blackmail you into offering.

You did the right thing by offering initially, but she needs to step up and sort out a proper arrangement with her DH. You can't possibly become her permanent solution.

If you have to, tell her kindly that you are her friend and you are there for her, but your home and your time can't become her default solution.

@deeedeee

Why do so many people think that it’s the right approach to life to be selfish and refuse to help others? Helping others is not only good for those in our lives that need help and a generally good thing to do for society, it also makes us happier and healthier too. Giving also connects us to others, creating stronger communities and helping to build a happier society for everyone. It helps us be empathetic and also creates a security net around us and everyone else , because we will all inevitably need help at some point. For the grace of god go I and all that!

By all means be honest with your friend about your reservations, stress levels and worries, and lay down some boundaries together but if you have the space and the ability to be kind, then view it as a privilege to be able to help someone in need!

Why do you think it’s the right approach for someone to lie about their intentions? The friend said they would come for the afternoon and then stayed for 3 days… that’s not fair. Had she been honest about what she needed, maybe OP could’ve considered it and explained why it would or wouldn’t work.

Nobody should feel obliged to help just because on the surface it looks like they can, as OP said, she too has things going on.

OP - find a way to kindly tell her to leave.

She needs a permanent place for herself and the kids on her contact time. Mooching off you because you have a pool isn’t helping herself or them.

Enjoy your break, rest as much as you can.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong really. she sounds pretty desperate, so she is hoping you will help her.

You have a lot on your plate, so it's hard for you to help her.

I think ultimately you need to sit down and have a chat with her about what her long-term plans are and make it clear that staying with you is just temporary.

Where is she actually living currently? (Sorry if I've missed it)

I think she has shown she is prepared to ignore boundaries - moving in will likely destroy your relationship with her anyway when she pushes boundaries living with you. She is also choosing not to tell family because she thinks she has you as plan a - but take you as plan a off the table she will likely reach out to family.

Thanks everyone, she took her kids away from her DH at his request he needed time to process that she is leaving. Kids are back with him, however we are about to have a 2 month break from school so she'll need to balance having them while he works.
I've helped another friend out before, who came to live with us for 2 weeks. But she doesn't have kids, was at work - so it was less impactful and it was a different snapshot in time.
She has said - she knows she can come if she's really stuck, which is a big assumption on her part. I've said I'll always try to help, but trying to focus her on a longer term solution.

My mum did this for a friend many years ago. She ended up staying for 6 months and tried to start something with my dad whilst my mum was away (my dad ended up spending every waking hour out of the house to avoid her as a result!).

Set boundaries, and don’t let her move in.

I wouldn’t think someone was a very good friend if they came for an afternoon with their kids and then stayed for 3days. She’s relying on you not having the balls to say anything. If she had said I need to stay for a few weeks till i get on my feet that would be different. She’s implying its best to stay with OP for the forseeable. If someone was trying to move into my house on the sly I’d be furious. As PP pointed out she’s probably willing it to work out because she probably is quite distressed atm

Previous posters are acting like OP agreed to this and is changing her mind, she never agreed to this.

Tell her you will absolutely help her find somewhere more permanent to stay but for the moment your husband and you need the house to yourselves to be alone for a while. Just say that the time was booked in before with the intention for you two to spend some quality couples time together. Also perhaps try being upfront with her that you are happy for her and the kids to come over for the odd afternoon here and there but you weren’t expecting her to move in. Tbh this relationship will probably be quite damaged by this so draw your boundaries clearly so if the relationship survives she has some understanding of what is a reasonable expectation.

The assumption that the friend is planning to take advantage because she’s stayed 3 days is a cynical one. The friend is going through a divorce, probably is reeling. maybe she thinks she’s with a friend and is relaxing , and is therefore being a bit thoughtless to the OP’s circumstances. Maybe her divorce is blinding her to the OP’s circumstances. Or Maybe the OP feels a bit too awkward to bring up her own stress and exhaustion. Only the OP can know whether

1- the friend has a personality trait of being selfish and taking advantage of others or whether she’s in a unprecedented period of her life that she’s struggling to cope with.
2- whether her friend knows how’s she’s feeling (stress and exhaustion) or whether she’s oblivious to it. whether the OP has let her friend know directly that she isn’t feeling too great either.

In the vast majority of situations an honest conversation between friends can sort out these situations. It doesn’t have to be black/white doormat/cheekyfucker. Surely it’s probably more likely to be friend going through a divorce and being a bit selfish to other’s stresses/ friend being stressed and overwhelmed and feeling too awkward to talk honestly.

Hope it all works out ok for you both.

You absolutely must not offer this person accommodation. You have already been more than generous and she outstayed the arrangement by devious means. She should move back into the family home until she sorts out suitable accommodation for herself.

Oh she KNOWS she can come does she? I would make sure that erroneous assumption is corrected ASAP, or you will be playing Santa and babysitting. I would also be letting her DH know that you are not the fallback landing pad for his family, and he needs to either find a suitable place for himself or them.

God no. Don’t do it.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

I think calling her a cheeky fucker is not cool, she is apparently a good friend going through a terrible time who is asking you for help.

That said, of course you shouldn't feel obliged to have them to stay.

It may be that her sense of judgement is off because of the distress she's in and she's just willing the situation to work.

The kindest thing you can do is be straight with her and say look we can't have you to stay here, I'm sorry. That puts an end to the uncertainty.

I'm curious about the pool. Are you in England? It's not really swimmy weather.

I agree with this - it isn't CFery, it's desperation and an inability to see any other way forward.

But obviously OP is under no obligation to have her live in her one - it could be short friendship if that happens!

If you feel able, offer her an occasional afternoon in your home, but it is YOUR home, and sad though it is, you have no responsibility to "re-house" them.

I don’t think she’s a cheeky fucker, I think she’s just desperate and going through a tough time.

@Santaischeckinglists

Tell her you are putting the spare room on air B&B.. She can have it at mates rates if it's empty the dates she needs..

What is it with people who can't just tell others the truth and have to make up lies?

Friend is being a CF and needs to get her act in gear.

Why is her husband still in the house though, and the kids being nomadic? Doesn’t seem suitable at all!

I help her house hunt

If it’s too much and you don’t feel up to it (or just don’t want to) then of course you are not obliged to let her stay and shouldn’t feel obliged. You can set your own boundaries and it’s fine.

Yes it might be a bit draining and unwelcome to have her hinting that she would like to stay with you longer, it makes it feel more difficult to say no.

But calling her a CF when she’s in the midst of a crisis (relationship/family breakup and possible homelessness) and feeling needy for support and respite? It doesn’t sound like you even like her very much to be honest.

It’s fair enough it’s inconvenient to you and you want to say no. But surely you can still at least empathise (or sympathise) with her situation and maintain a sense of goodwill towards her?

Re family nearby. Maybe she doesn’t want to stay with family for reasons you’re not aware of? Maybe they’re unsupportive or for whatever reason it doesn’t feel like a safe or good place for her to go.

It’s fair enough to say she can’t stay bit your attitude towards her is derisory. The comments about the “terrible dumps of rentals she could afford with her budget”. (What else is she meant to look at other than stuff within her budget??) You sound like you’re looking down on her from a great height.

I think she's cheeky tbh.

She has family locally and doesn't seem to have set anything in motion to sort her shit out.

This does not sound like an emergency and she has family locally. While your house is a convenient and attractive option, her motivation to find a permanent or just workable solution will be less. I would let her know now that you/your house/your pool will not be available for the 3 weeks you have time off and resist pushback.

Your friend was rude in turning an afternoon into three days.

She just wants to be in your lovely home until she can get sorted. This could take months.

She needs to move back into her current home and sort her life out. Else she can stay with family.
Showing you grotty dumps was entirely deliberate.