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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish or is my friend being a CF?

126 replies

Hop27 · 29/11/2021 08:14

I'm exhausted, the year has been long and tough for lots of reasons. DH and I both have 3 weeks off from work coming up and we really need it.
A good friend is in the early stages of separation from her DH (2 kids involved) I am trying to be supporting but I'm finding it emotionally very draining.
She messaged me last weekend, asking if she could have a 'safe space' to see her kids and spend the afternoon at mine. I said not a problem, come over. However, that afternoon turned into 3 days. During her time staying at mine, her kids were asking what the plan was moving forward and she openly told them the plan was to be nomads for a while. She kept showing me pictures of house sitting homes available or terrible dumps of rentals that she could make work with her budget. (DH is in the family home, works PT and is the primary carer) She keeps hinting that staying at mine (or somewhere like mine) would be the best thing for her and the kids. She knows we have the space to host them as a family, the kids love the house because we have a pool.
It's just too much, I'm exhausted. I can't cope with 2 loud kids in the house, the drain of someone who is going through a tough time. I don't know if I'm being really cold hearted or if she's being a CF because my house is a nicer/easier option than her family who also close by and she isn't ready to tell her family yet.
AIBU to need a bit of space over Christmas or do I need to do the right thing and offer her somewhere to stay?

OP posts:
deeedeee · 29/11/2021 09:11

Why do so many people think that it’s the right approach to life to be selfish and refuse to help others? Helping others is not only good for those in our lives that need help and a generally good thing to do for society, it also makes us happier and healthier too. Giving also connects us to others, creating stronger communities and helping to build a happier society for everyone. It helps us be empathetic and also creates a security net around us and everyone else , because we will all inevitably need help at some point. For the grace of god go I and all that!

By all means be honest with your friend about your reservations, stress levels and worries, and lay down some boundaries together but if you have the space and the ability to be kind, then view it as a privilege to be able to help someone in need!

Sweetchocolatecandy · 29/11/2021 09:14

@Nimchinge

So if you aren't going to help the woman out now, then when?

I understand you not wanting to but calling her a CF?

Friends are supposed to be there when the shit hits the fan. You're making a thread about it instead.

I don’t think it’s very ‘friend-like’ to tell someone they are coming over for an afternoon with their kids and then staying for three days and expecting to stay longer without any prior permission!

What about the OP’s right to enjoy the privacy of her home with her DH?

Sweetchocolatecandy · 29/11/2021 09:16

@deeedeee

Why do so many people think that it’s the right approach to life to be selfish and refuse to help others? Helping others is not only good for those in our lives that need help and a generally good thing to do for society, it also makes us happier and healthier too. Giving also connects us to others, creating stronger communities and helping to build a happier society for everyone. It helps us be empathetic and also creates a security net around us and everyone else , because we will all inevitably need help at some point. For the grace of god go I and all that!

By all means be honest with your friend about your reservations, stress levels and worries, and lay down some boundaries together but if you have the space and the ability to be kind, then view it as a privilege to be able to help someone in need!

I hear there are a lot of homeless people, foster kids and immigrants in desperate need of homes- how many have you taken in so far? Practice what you preach.
WheelieBinPrincess · 29/11/2021 09:18

@deeedeee
Ah you put me off my morning toast. Go and Pollyanna if you must but it’s not for everyone.

Quartz2208 · 29/11/2021 09:19

She doesnt need this though - there is no reason other than it is convenient and easy. Plus it is clear that the DH is the primary carer and she has taken the children away.

I think you need to say it is not feasible longer term, she needs to go back home and face it and sort it out because being nomads, living in other peoples houses away from the primary carer is not best for her children

NorthSouthcatlady · 29/11/2021 09:19

The way she has gone about it shouts CF to me. I would be saying no. From her current MO then next year you will asking how can you get rid of her before the summer!

ArrrMeHearties · 29/11/2021 09:19

She is being an epic cheeky fucker to expect you to house her and her kids especially over Xmas time. Tell her to find somewhere else and concentrate on you and your dh getting the down time you need

WayneKorr · 29/11/2021 09:26

It doesn't sound as if you are in the right place to support her more than you are
Be honest with her. When people are desperate their boundaries get blurred

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/11/2021 09:27

Separating doesn’t mean that’s she’s in trouble and needs help. In fact probably the other way round - seeing as her DH is the primary carer, and there wasn’t any abuse, just ‘incompatibilities’?
She seems to be milking it for all it’s worth. I don’t like people like that.
She’s a CF.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/11/2021 09:29

Also why HAS she taken the children away if she isn’t primary carer?
Doesn’t seem like she’s doing things in everyone’s best interest tbh

deeedeee · 29/11/2021 09:30

It is possible to set boundaries and be honest about worries without outright rejecting an opportunity to help a friend.

Jeeez you lot are so cynical and selfish.

MatildaTheCat · 29/11/2021 09:36

She’s borderline CF if she asks you for help without even approaching her own family because you have nicer accommodation.

Wish her well but be truthful that having them to stay isn’t an option.

ZaZathecat · 29/11/2021 09:36

I'd tell her that we need our own space back now, and that she needs to tell her family and rely on them if necessary.

IncompleteSenten · 29/11/2021 09:38

How did an afternoon turn into 3 days? How that happened would factor into my decision making tbh.
Straightforward request? Hinting, manipulative poor me? guilt trip? just not leaving?

How she turned an afternoon into 3 days tells you how she would behave going forward and would be the information I used to make my decision if it was me.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/11/2021 09:39

@deeedeee

It is possible to set boundaries and be honest about worries without outright rejecting an opportunity to help a friend.

Jeeez you lot are so cynical and selfish.

This isn’t ‘help’ though. Friend has family nearby and no reason kids can’t stay with the father. She hasn’t been kicked out with kids and nowhere to go.

Staying 3 days instead of an afternoon is manipulative. Helping a friend is good but not when you’re being used. Who’s to say that she won’t come ostensibly for a day and not leave?

TheCovidScoorge · 29/11/2021 09:40

I would just say no sorry this is my home. I'm happy for you to visit, but you can't stay here. I need my own space.

Also allowing her to stay will hinder her own progress.

Phobiaphobic · 29/11/2021 09:42

Just because she's your friend and she's having a hard time, doesn't mean you have to give her everything she wants or needs. Your wants and needs are allowed to exist at the same time.

deeedeee · 29/11/2021 09:43

OP, does it feel
Possible to have an honest conversation with your friend about it?

Telling her what you’ve said here about being exhausted and worried about stress etc. if she’s a friend, she won’t want to stress you out or upset you either, regardless of how difficult her current situation is.

Maybe there’s some compromise and a way for you to still help her somehow without it hurting you if you can have a good conversation about it?

Obviously If you can’t manage an honest conversation then it’s not a good idea to have her staying, as you’re both setting yourselves up for misunderstandings at a time that she’s obviously under a lot of stress and so are you. That’s a recipe for disaster. Only offer to help if you manage to have a really thorough and honest conversation about boundaries and worries. Otherwise you wouldn’t be helping, you’ll just be setting the stage for more upset for both of you.

But if you just reject the opportunity to help a friend in need because of the prevailing horrible suspicious selfish cynical attitude on here then that is a shame. Not everyone is a “cf” out for themselves. Some people just sometimes need s friend to help them back on their feet. Just like you might one day.

Good luck either way, and hope next year is better for you and your friend. X

Figgygal · 29/11/2021 09:43

No way should you let her stay
She needs a proper plan and invading your home isnt it

PinkMochi · 29/11/2021 09:44

Why has she taken the dc if she is not the primary carer? They can stay with dad (primary carer) in their family home whilst your friend stays with family who live nearby. You need to be straight with her. Tell her you care about her and you are happy for her to visit for a few hours, but you cannot house her.

godmum56 · 29/11/2021 09:46

CF or not, you can only do what you can do and if you can't cope than you need to say so.

Phobiaphobic · 29/11/2021 09:46

@deeedeee

Why do so many people think that it’s the right approach to life to be selfish and refuse to help others? Helping others is not only good for those in our lives that need help and a generally good thing to do for society, it also makes us happier and healthier too. Giving also connects us to others, creating stronger communities and helping to build a happier society for everyone. It helps us be empathetic and also creates a security net around us and everyone else , because we will all inevitably need help at some point. For the grace of god go I and all that!

By all means be honest with your friend about your reservations, stress levels and worries, and lay down some boundaries together but if you have the space and the ability to be kind, then view it as a privilege to be able to help someone in need!

Why do so many people think it's the right approach to life to lecture people on being unselfish and helping others? OP has already done that, she just doesn't want to do any more. Spare her your bloody sanctimony. It's obnoxious.
Eddielzzard · 29/11/2021 09:52

No. She is a CF because she outstayed her welcome quite clearly, and intends to do it again! She needs to make a proper plan that doesn't involve taking advantage of friends. She's not fleeing an abuse situation, she has family she can ask, she has options. You are just the most convenient and comfortable.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/11/2021 09:54

@Eddielzzard

No. She is a CF because she outstayed her welcome quite clearly, and intends to do it again! She needs to make a proper plan that doesn't involve taking advantage of friends. She's not fleeing an abuse situation, she has family she can ask, she has options. You are just the most convenient and comfortable.
Exactly! I’d bend over backwards (and have done) for friends who needed it. But not this
LookItsMeAgain · 29/11/2021 09:55

You need to be firm but fair with her.

Explain that you want to be there to support her but because of the liberties she took when she wanted to see her children recently and asked to use your house for an afternoon and then ending up staying for 3 days, you are not available to her as a place to stay. That was her trial, if you like. She said 1 afternoon, it ended up being 3 days. Put her in touch with support groups and places that can help her when she wants to leave and she should only leave if she is either in danger or if she has somewhere to move to (I don't get the impression that she or the kids are in danger from her partner but as I don't know them, I don't know their situation so really can't say one way or the other there).
She shouldn't aim to be a nomad because that is really going to use up any goodwill that she may have with whoever she wants to stay with and then where would she be?

Best of luck to you (and her).