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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resting away from home and hiding it

85 replies

Loveheartrose4 · 28/11/2021 15:29

I was in hospital having blood transfusions 3 nights ago I was so poorly with anemia. I've got 2 young children and have split from their dad a year ago. I've been dating someone else for 5 months and in the process of sorting my home with my ex. Unfortunately until its sold I'm living there with him and it's not easy.

I told family 3 weeks ago about new guy as I am out and about with him.

I came out of hospital nearly 48 hours ago and my ex had done nothing in the house. It was trashed. I was exhausted and felt unable to be relaxed so I've come to stay with my new boyfriend for the weekend. I miss the kids but truly want to get on my feet.

My family never bother much but 3 times now this weekend they've wanted to bring things to mine or invited me and the kids around. When I've declined they are asking me what I've been up too and I feel like I can't say I'm here. I did tell my mum I was coming for the afternoon yesterday and she commented I thought you'd want to be with the kids after being in hospital.

Do you think I'm wrong to leave my kids for so long? They are obviously with their dad. I've never left them this long. I feel like I'm going to get caught out and I hate it. My sisters just asked if I want to take my kids round to mums and I've said not today but not she's asking me what I've done today. I thought they'd just leave me to it this weekend not expect me to be going visiting.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/11/2021 15:31

I'd telling them you're in a hotel resting as EX and kids let you rest at home.

You've been in hospital your knackered you need to sleep lots and rest.

Original poster
Loveheartrose4 · 28/11/2021 15:36

It's perfect here he's cooking. His house is tidy. I can sleep and have a bath and watch tele. But my mum and sister in particular will see it as I'm ditching my kids to be with this new man. I was getting so stressed out at the mess it was best for me to be away. He hadn't washed up. Hadnt cleaned worktops. Bin was overflowing. Washer wasn't empty. No food was in. Toys and washing everywhere. Perhaps he did his best around working but I thought Itvwill be better for the kids longterm if I'm rested. My numbers are still low but safe. Just feel guilt but I can't exactly have new man at my house so I have to go out.

OP posts:
MartyHart · 28/11/2021 15:39

Just say you are still very unwell and ex being an arsehole so you are staying with a friend to recuperate.

LiterallyKnowsBest · 28/11/2021 15:39

Hmm … I’ve had transfusions for anaemia - you do need to rest.

Presumably you’re confident the children are fine with their other parent - despite the state of the house. Is your ex enabling them to phone, FaceTime you?

It’s true your family might take it amiss, though you don’t owe them an explanation. Could you not take your sister into your confidence? Is she likely to be judgemental?

SpangleWhorl · 28/11/2021 15:41

Your EX sounds shit.

But how do you know there's food in the house for your young children now? How had he trashed in overnight??

I think the poll is split because yes he sounds crap, and yes you need to rest up; but what you've done sounds quite unusual in respect of the children's welfare.

Original poster
Loveheartrose4 · 28/11/2021 15:43

He's a great dad he's just useless at housework and I couldn't even find a clean mug the day I came home. I got up couldn't find a cup. Saw the whole house was wrecked and packed a bag and he agreed it was fine to stay out.

My sister is hit and miss with stuff.

I am laying here thinking am I in the wrong. Kids can talk to me yes and they send me photos x

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 28/11/2021 15:43

Tell your mum and sister that you are just out of hospital, have seen the state of the house and your ex needs to get it clean and his act together because it isn't only your health that is being impacted by his behaviour.

Tell them that you do not need them adding to your burden with constant nagging and that if they want to help they know where the house is.

But that you will be staying in a b+b and getting the rest and recuperating time the hospital told you to get.

Kids are fine they are with a parent. You will be fine when you get back home.

And when you do go home don't deviate from that. Your new man is the landlord if a great b+b. Get well so you can be a fully functioning mum to your kids.

keepOutOfTheFridgeDerek · 28/11/2021 15:44

He hadn't washed up. Hadn't cleaned worktops. Bin was overflowing. Washer wasn't empty. No food was in. Toys and washing everywhere.

I understand you need to look after yourself. But leaving your kids in that situation??? Surely you could have taken them to your boyfriends or got your family to look after them?

Original poster
Loveheartrose4 · 28/11/2021 15:46

He's been out to get food. There was food in but the scraps because a shop needed doing. They will have food and he took them to his mates yesterday for food. They are always safe. He just didn't do what I'd do for 2 days. So washing left in washer. Smelly ofcourse. Sink full of pots. Not hoovered. Toys everywhere. Bins full. Just generally messy and I couldn't have had any down town I'd have had to sort it. He started sorting it yesterday though. I'll be back there tomorrow and I'll start sorting things out.

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 28/11/2021 15:52

@keepOutOfTheFridgeDerek

He hadn't washed up. Hadn't cleaned worktops. Bin was overflowing. Washer wasn't empty. No food was in. Toys and washing everywhere.

I understand you need to look after yourself. But leaving your kids in that situation??? Surely you could have taken them to your boyfriends or got your family to look after them?

She did say that he agreed that she should go and he would sort it. She didn't abandon the kids. Their father just didn't parent fully.
Kittykat93 · 28/11/2021 15:53

I do think it a bit odd you're camped out at your boyfriend's leaving your kids in what sounds like a complete shithole, if there's no clean cups /plates etc what are they eating and drinking from? I understand you need to rest but you also need to ensure your children's welfare and I just couldn't rest easy knowing they were in that kind of environment.

canadagoose1 · 28/11/2021 15:58

You're unwell and you need a rest. It sounds like the dad is capable of looking after your DC and they won't care if there are messy pots and an empty bin. If the DC are happy enough, stay put and get well soon.

SpangleWhorl · 28/11/2021 16:00

Well, no he's not a great dad is he, if his kids had no clean cups, no food, the laundry smells and the bins are overflowing. It sounds really rank and neglectful.

Original poster
Loveheartrose4 · 28/11/2021 16:04

Ofcourse they had cups and plates etc he would have washed them up before using them. My point was that to get the house in order would have stopped me resting and I couldn't feel relaxed looking at the stuff piling up. So to focus on getting better I've come here. They are still being fed, taken out loved and safe. It was just about me resting and saying calm.

OP posts:
DevonsFinest · 28/11/2021 16:05

Why can't you just be honest? You've been honest with us and we understand and they are your family

Kittykat93 · 28/11/2021 16:06

@Loveheartrose4

Ofcourse they had cups and plates etc he would have washed them up before using them. My point was that to get the house in order would have stopped me resting and I couldn't feel relaxed looking at the stuff piling up. So to focus on getting better I've come here. They are still being fed, taken out loved and safe. It was just about me resting and saying calm.

Okay, you're clearly fine with your decision - so why have you come on here asking opinions if you don't want any that don't agree with you?

Kittykat93 · 28/11/2021 16:06

Don't know why people post and then argue every point made against it 🤣 just don't post!

Grapewrath · 28/11/2021 16:07

I think it’s fine to rest at your bf house but you should’ve taken your kids with you. Not fair or appropriate to leave them in an unhygienic situation where their basic needs are questionably being met. Maybe you could have asked your bf or your mum/sister to come and help so you could get the house straight, see your kids and ensure they are ok emotionally

WingingItEveryDay7 · 28/11/2021 16:08

OP get the rest you need before going back home. You've confirmed kids are with dad and as their parent I don't see the big deal. If this was the other way round no one would be giving him a hard time for leaving kids with mum. Sometimes dad's need a reality check as it's often mum's who end up doing everything and wearing themselves out in the process! He's more than capable of sorting food and clearing up, he obviously leaves it for you normally which is unfair! x

pickingdaisies · 28/11/2021 16:08

You're fine OP, ignore the child abandonment posts. They'll cope with a messy house for a couple of days, they are being fed and looked after, so no harm. You are also right to keep the new bf out of sight for now, that's an added complication nobody needs to be dealing with. I liked a pp's advice of you staying at a b&b. That's all anyone needs to know. Lucky for you the b&b owner is so accommodating! You'll be so much more able to step up when you go home.

williremember · 28/11/2021 16:12

Sorry but I would have gone home, or at least taken children with you. Won't they be worried about you?

Suzanne999 · 28/11/2021 16:12

Sorry you’re unwell and although the transfusions help enormously they’re not an instant fix ( I had family who thought I’d be out running the day after I came out if hospital) You most definitely need someone to look after you, you’re not in a position to do the caring.
I’m sure the kids are fine with their dad but if you relatives are that concerned surely they can look after them.

ZealAndArdour · 28/11/2021 16:12

OP, I think it’s fine. Why are men held to a lower standard of parenting and home making than would be expected of women in the same situation?

If you’d needed to stay in hospital for an extra few days, the ultimate impact on the kids would have been exactly the same.

A temporarily messy house isn’t harmful or neglectful, they are in the care of their father who loves them and is learning the true burden you’ve been taking on all this time.

If things are all squared up between you, your new partner and your DH, I’d ignore anyone else’s opinion.

LoveGoldberg · 28/11/2021 16:29

OP is ill, her being there wouldn’t help because she’s poorly and needs to rest. Her ex is a capable adult as much as she is - more so at the moment because he isn’t ill. OP normally manages these jobs, now it’s his turn, although only temporarily I’m guessing. Maybe he left it all assuming OP would come home and fix it all because he’s “babysat for her” while she was in hospital. It’s good practice for when they live apart. She shouldn’t take the kids to her new boyfriends because she won’t be able to rest still and it would confuse them.

Grapewrath · 28/11/2021 16:31

Fwiw for me this isn’t a male/female issue- I would think the same if a man came home from hospital and the house was in a state, that he should enlist help to get it sorted while ex rests to resume normality and routine for the kids.
For me, you saying it was the first time you’d left them was another issue in terms of you going back and leaving again and the children finding that confusing or worrying.
If you’re totally ok with resting at your bf then I don’t know why you care what your family think.