Resting away from home and hiding it

[Loveheartrose4]

I was in hospital having blood transfusions 3 nights ago I was so poorly with anemia. I've got 2 young children and have split from their dad a year ago. I've been dating someone else for 5 months and in the process of sorting my home with my ex. Unfortunately until its sold I'm living there with him and it's not easy.

I told family 3 weeks ago about new guy as I am out and about with him.

I came out of hospital nearly 48 hours ago and my ex had done nothing in the house. It was trashed. I was exhausted and felt unable to be relaxed so I've come to stay with my new boyfriend for the weekend. I miss the kids but truly want to get on my feet.

My family never bother much but 3 times now this weekend they've wanted to bring things to mine or invited me and the kids around. When I've declined they are asking me what I've been up too and I feel like I can't say I'm here. I did tell my mum I was coming for the afternoon yesterday and she commented I thought you'd want to be with the kids after being in hospital.

Do you think I'm wrong to leave my kids for so long? They are obviously with their dad. I've never left them this long. I feel like I'm going to get caught out and I hate it. My sisters just asked if I want to take my kids round to mums and I've said not today but not she's asking me what I've done today. I thought they'd just leave me to it this weekend not expect me to be going visiting.

He hadn't washed up. Hadnt cleaned worktops. Bin was overflowing. Washer wasn't empty. No food was in.

That's hardly dangerously unhygienic @Grapewrath. Doubtless he would wash up when he'd run out of stuff, the bins would be emptied and he'd get food in. He probably did all of those things as soon as he had the 'oh shit' moment when OP came home and saw it. This is hardly SS involvement level.

OP just escaped in order not to risk her health by doing it herself. So stop trying to make her feel guilty.

You’ve done the right thing OP, you need to rest and get your strength up, then you can go home and be a mum to the kids. If you are exhausted and don’t rest, you could end up collapsing, or putting your recovery back and that will be worse for the kids in the long term.

@Grapewrath

Grapewrath I think it’s fine to rest at your bf house but you should’ve taken your kids with you. Not fair or appropriate to leave them in an unhygienic situation where their basic needs are questionably being met. Maybe you could have asked your bf or your mum/sister to come and help so you could get the house straight, see your kids and ensure they are ok emotionally But the OP and the children’s father, her ex, are separating. He’ll soon have regular, (possibly court mandated) contact visits where he will be responsible for them. What’s the difference, except that at the moment they’re with him in their own home?

There is no difference, which is a worry. I mean OP is saying that her kids don’t have any clean crockery today eat off, the house is smelly and dirty with overflowing bins and there’s no food for the kids?! I’d be speaking to my solicitor if my ex couldn’t provide this basic care tbh

I think that's over the top - it sounds like their basic needs are fine- being in a slightly messy house for a few days is not going to hurt them. There's nothing to say the ex won't get around to the housework.

OP- I think it is right to rest.

Come on @Grapewrath, the only reason why this guy didn’t clean the house is because he is still expecting the Op to do it all.

Once he will have his own house, I doubt it will be like this.
I actually also doubt that he has had an ‘Oh shit’ moment and has cleaned the house up either after the OP came (and went). But that’s even more of a reason why she needs to test first and foremost. This guy clearly doesn’t care about her health.

Coming from someone who has terrible anaemia as well and no one to leave kids with please remove all thoughts from your mind and truly rest!. My health is totally gone now because i never get a chance to recuperate and rest. Please rest...they are with their father. Sleep for as long as you want. Truly rest your body. Its the best thing for your kids. Just explain to your family that you arevstill very ill and you are recuperating in a hotel. They can pop round to help your ex if they can.

3 transfusions is a big deal. You must have been very anaemic to require so much blood. You do not need to justify your actions to anyone. Your children are with their father, and are fine. You need to rest and relax, and allow your body to rebuild its iron reserves so that you are well enough to look after your family when you do go home. Do not feel guilty!!

My numbers were 56 instead if 120! I had 2 bags of blood on the first night and one more the next night. Numbers only have gone up to 78. On tablets now to try get it higher.

The kids are not in a dangerous environment. He had just left Me 2 days worth of pots and tidying and rubbish. My bed wasn't even made as I had washed it the day I went in. I just could feel my irritation going through the roof. My boyfriend said to go to his. He's child free. Got a tidy quiet home and said he'd cook and I'd not have to lift a finger. I did it for my own sanity. He's only met my kids for a walk but I need a few more months to decide If he's going to be long term in their lives so I'm being sensible. So them coming with me was not an option. Although I'd have stayed at home I'd I felt the kids needed me. Bringing them here would be a nightmare no beds and no toys here. Wouldn't be easy. But the kids are far from neglected.

He's a messy person but puts his heart into being a parent. I just need to be back to normal.

My mums just asked me if I've been for a walk with the kids today. They are definitely thinking this weekend I should have been spending time with them.

@Loveheartrose4 do you know why you were so low in iron?

What I’m thinking there is that you’ve had a rough few days, no doubt about it. But maybe you will need to plan ahead if thsi could become a ‘recurring’ issue so to speak.

Yes I know what's happening and yes I'm under the hospital now. I've been dealing with it for 3 years and this is my first time in hospital. I've been very low before but this will be the lowest. Unfortunately due to GPS not taken you seriously and covid and clinics being cancelled every month I've been Waiting 18 months for my first appointment. So it's been a nightmare. I do tend to get on with things and used to feeling abit off so I do keep going. My kids are well looked after and hopefully I'll be sorted soon aswel. I'm looking into surgical options or the mirena coil. Unfortunately I've had no luck with hormone tablets so I am very anxious about the mirena making me feel unwell in a different way

Why are your family hounding you about what you've been doing? I would text and say "I'm still not feeling great and not up to seeing people so at a friend's. Will get into contact later in the week when feeling better" then mute them on WhatsApp.

I think it’s fine to rest at your bf house but you should’ve taken your kids with you.

Why? They are with their father, who should be capable of caring for his children without needing the OP to take over.

Not fair or appropriate to leave them in an unhygienic situation where their basic needs are questionably being met.

And why is that the OPs responsibility to fix? The house is a bit messy and the washing up hasn't been done, but all things that the OPs Ex should be more than capable of rectifying himself. They're hardly feral children living in squalor while the OP is living in 5* luxury.

Maybe you could have asked your bf or your mum/sister to come and help so you could get the house straight, see your kids and ensure they are ok emotionally

Or maybe the OPs Ex could do some parenting, call in his own reinforcements (if necessary) to get the house straight and allow the OP the time she needs to recuperate...

For goodness sake put yourself first for a change and stop worrying and feeling guilty. You must be exhausted. Everyone should just leave you alone and have a bit of sympathy and empathy. The kids are probably having a great time with their dad. I truly wish you better. And relax!

So you dont want to stay there as ots a shithole but its fine for your kids to?

I think if the ops mum(who knows her) is suggesting the kids need time with their mum then perhaps she feels op has been neglecting them in favour of her bf?

I’m just going on what the OP said herself. To me, what she described did not sound appropriate for children. If a professional walked into a home which smells, has overflowing bins and no food they would be concerned. That’s not ok the OP, that’s on the ex partner. She asked if she was ok to leave her kids, I offered my opinion that I would not have left mine in those circumstances. The OP has since gone on to say the house was messy and the circumstances changed which is of course different, but I based my judgement on her original description.
‘OP just escaped in order not to risk her health by doing it herself. So stop trying to make her feel guilty’
Why would I try and make a perfect stranger feel guilty? I was you know, answering the Aibu question.

Or maybe the OPs Ex could do some parenting, call in his own reinforcements (if necessary) to get the house straight and allow the OP the time she needs to recuperate

Quite.. it’s absolutely his responsibility but clearly he can’t be arsed which isn’t the fault of the kids

I don’t think everyone on here needs to dissect the arrangements - three adults involved are all happy with it, kids are happy. The slight niggle here is mum and sis are being nosey parkers because they know there’s a new man!

This thread is bizarre , not washing up for two days and then doing it before your kids are due their next meal, not emptying the bin until you can’t balance anymore on the top, crumbs and tea splashes etc on the worktops, two day old washing still in the machine, and toys not put away is not even close to neglect. It’s not ideal but is not an issue for children at all.
The stress of sorting it all when very unwell is an issue.

The ex really is a twat of the highest order. He must have seen the poor OP exhausted and probably in pain over years. Transfusions aren’t given for fun; anaemia is grim.

Sending you strength, OP - it’ll take a while for you to even begin to recover. Try not to over exert yourself when you go back.

It’s not ideal but is not an issue for children at all.
The stress of sorting it all when very unwellisan issue.

Exactly - the house is a bit messy and the kids need parenting, both things the OPs Ex should be capable of doing, especially knowing that she needs to rest. The fact that people are expecting the OP to stay in her house when it is unsuitable for decent recuperation because her Ex can't pull his finger out and fo some basic housework is the issue. Her Ex could do the washing up, take out the bins and run a hoover round in less than an hour but instead he is expecting the OP to do it despite being ill and people are defending his behaviour as though it is the OPs responsibility alone for housework.

ExDH and I coparent DD 50/50 - last year he ended up in hospital for a few days and then was on bedrest when he was discharged. The first thing I did was offer to keep DD with me for his week with her to allow him time to rest and recover without having the added extra responsibility of dealing with a child and general household admin.

@keepOutOfTheFridgeDerek

He hadn't washed up. Hadn't cleaned worktops. Bin was overflowing. Washer wasn't empty. No food was in. Toys and washing everywhere.

I understand you need to look after yourself. But leaving your kids in that situation??? Surely you could have taken them to your boyfriends or got your family to look after them?

When he eventually moves out they'll be in that situation often as the father will have them on his own. Family Court would be fine with that. Standard parenting for father's, for whom the bar is set very low.

I think your family are not nice at all and trying to catch you out too! You need to rest, tell them you’re not at home as you couldn’t rest, ex is with the dc. Do something like this - Why are your family hounding you about what you've been doing? I would text and say "I'm still not feeling great and not up to seeing people so at a friend's. Will get into contact later in the week when feeling better" then mute them on WhatsApp.

And it’s not abandoning her dc ffs. The op needs to recover. I’m planning 5 nights in hospital after having my 3rd dc next year, I will have lots of help (not nhs) and older dc will be with dp or grandparents. Am I also abandoning my dc? (I really don’t care if posters think I am) I can have baby put in night nursery if i want to, the extended stay is really just for me to rest.

OP,

It sounds very hard.

You did the right thing, they are with their father.

No shame in saying I just wasn't well enough to face the huge mess, I needed rest.

Your mother should be glad that you were getting rest.

Try not to stress yourself.

Thank you for the responses. I am going home late afternoon and I think that some order will have been restored.
He does do the very basics but washing and cleaning isn't something he seems to do or notice.

The kids have been perfectly fine the last few days. I was feeling guilty for putting myself first. My boyfriend was the only person who offered me some rest and peace. He's really helped me this weekend take it easy and kept me calm. My heart was struggling when I went into hospital so in my mind I just don't want to be stressed out and irritated by stuff.

You made the RIGHT decision.

If it's a mess when you get home, retire to the bed and do NOT start rushing about.

He CAN see if he wants to.

Hope you feel better soon.