Resting away from home and hiding it

[Loveheartrose4]

I was in hospital having blood transfusions 3 nights ago I was so poorly with anemia. I've got 2 young children and have split from their dad a year ago. I've been dating someone else for 5 months and in the process of sorting my home with my ex. Unfortunately until its sold I'm living there with him and it's not easy.

I told family 3 weeks ago about new guy as I am out and about with him.

I came out of hospital nearly 48 hours ago and my ex had done nothing in the house. It was trashed. I was exhausted and felt unable to be relaxed so I've come to stay with my new boyfriend for the weekend. I miss the kids but truly want to get on my feet.

My family never bother much but 3 times now this weekend they've wanted to bring things to mine or invited me and the kids around. When I've declined they are asking me what I've been up too and I feel like I can't say I'm here. I did tell my mum I was coming for the afternoon yesterday and she commented I thought you'd want to be with the kids after being in hospital.

Do you think I'm wrong to leave my kids for so long? They are obviously with their dad. I've never left them this long. I feel like I'm going to get caught out and I hate it. My sisters just asked if I want to take my kids round to mums and I've said not today but not she's asking me what I've done today. I thought they'd just leave me to it this weekend not expect me to be going visiting.

Do you think they know and are trying to see if you admit to it? Sounds odd that they keep bugging you and why would you want to go out when you’ve been ill?
I would just tell them you’re resting at a friends if you don’t want to tell them you’re with your boyfriend and that you couldn’t rest at home with the kids there

Crikey, so Great Dad would wash up cups and plates (quite rightly) for your DC, but not for you when you'd just come out of hospital after a transfusion? He'd expect you to do it, and tidy everything up, re-do the washing, etc? That's harsh.

If you'd just gone to bed, would anyone have come and helped, brought you a cup of tea and a sandwich?

I don't blame you for going - I just don't see why he's such a great dad tbh.

Seems like they have an idea where you are and instead of supporting you having some rest time and time with your boyfriend they are trying ri catch you out.

You don't need to stress about all this OP. Just get your rest and relax. You need to recover properly and your lovely XH did not make it possible for you to do that in your own home. Your DC are with their parent and he is looking after them in his way of doing it. It will be fine for a few days. And don't stress about other people's opinions in your family. Just take your time and get better. I would suggest that when you are ready to go home, you text XH a few hours beforehand, and say you need the place to be in decent condition as you are not up to returning to a dirty tip and having to deal with it.
It sounds as though you usually do everything in the home and for DC, but he and you need to get used to him doing his share.

You're fine OP, ignore the child abandonment posts. They'll cope with a messy house for a couple of days, they are being fed and looked after, so no harm. You are also right to keep the new bf out of sight for now, that's an added complication nobody needs to be dealing with.

Exactly this, OP.

Time was of someone posted on MN that their husband was a bit rubbish, didn't tidy up, didn't help with the DC, etc then she would be advised to take herself off to a hotel/spa/shopping and leave him to get on with it because "he'll have no option but to cope".

I agree the ZB& B story is the way to go. Do not let them pressure you into saying where it is. Just say you’re not telling because you might need it again future for respite.
Explain that you still need to take things easy in order to recuperate and a transfusion isnt a “fix all”
Good luck and hope you’re feeling stronger soon

Ynbu your children are fine and with their father - you're not abandoning them or being a neglectful mum etc.

You're recuperating which is important. I hope you feel better soon

If I had been in hospital my priority would be to be back with my kids as I would have missed them dreadfully. He is a "great dad" but let the kids live in a dirty house? Sounds like you just wanted time with your man to honest.

If I had been in hospital my priority would be to be back with my kids as I would have missed them dreadfully. He is a "great dad" but let the kids live in a dirty house? Sounds like you just wanted time with your man to honest

That's nice for you. I guess you're just a way better parent than the OP and those of use who would prioritise our recovery over polishing our Mum Martyr badge.

You've done the right thing going to your bf's house to be looked after & rest. Stay longer!
Let super Dad take some days off work (if he works) to look after his kids & get the house in shape & food in that you can eat.

Do NOT go home to sort it all out!!!

If your mum & sister aren't offering to help, then tell them you're resting for a few days & will be in touch when you're up to going out.

When will your living arrangements be sorted out? You can't keep living with your EX & cleaning up after him!

@Grapewrath

I think it’s fine to rest at your bf house but you should’ve taken your kids with you. Not fair or appropriate to leave them in an unhygienic situation where their basic needs are questionably being met. Maybe you could have asked your bf or your mum/sister to come and help so you could get the house straight, see your kids and ensure they are ok emotionally

But the OP and the children’s father, her ex, are separating. He’ll soon have regular, (possibly court mandated) contact visits where he will be responsible for them. What’s the difference, except that at the moment they’re with him in their own home?

@Loveheartrose4

He's been out to get food. There was food in but the scraps because a shop needed doing. They will have food and he took them to his mates yesterday for food. They are always safe. He just didn't do what I'd do for 2 days. So washing left in washer. Smelly ofcourse. Sink full of pots. Not hoovered. Toys everywhere. Bins full. Just generally messy and I couldn't have had any down town I'd have had to sort it. He started sorting it yesterday though. I'll be back there tomorrow and I'll start sorting things out.

I suspect your family is trying to "catch you out". I would bet that they aren't thinking you're getting rest, but that you're whooping it up with your bf.

You're going to be of no use to anyone if you don't recuperate, and your DC are fine with their dad. As you say, he's started sorting this out.

And fuck being a martyr, running around sorting things out yourself and risking your health even more. Your kids will miss you for a few days, but they'll survive.

I agree with saying you were at a B&B, if your familly persist in asking what you were doing.

It was to messy/dirty for op to stay but its fine for the kids to? I think the fact that op is reluctant to disclose to her family is very telling.

Your kids are with their other parent in a temporarily messy house, not abandoned in a forest. Do what you need to do to get well.

I do get that overwhelming urge with anemia. I have it constantly, even with iron supplements, because of endometriosis and fibroids. So you were right to take yourself off and rest but if the house is as bad as you say it is I would have phoned my mum and sis and asked if they would have the DC and say you would either rest there, or go to your BF's to rest but you MUST recuperate, I think if you needed to get away from the house because its a shithole then I don't see how young DC would cope any better than you with it tbh?

If I had been in hospital my priority would be to make sure I didn't immediately make myself ill again. As long as the children are safe and fed, an untidy/messy or even dare I say it on MN slightly dirty house will be ok for a couple of days. They are with their father they are fine. OP needed to recoup and didn't need the hassle of her families judgy mcjudgeness.

It was to messy/dirty for op to stay but its fine for the kids to?

It's the mental load of knowing jobs need doing, it makes it difficult to rest when the dishes/laundry/cooking/dishes is hanging over you. The STBXH is presumably capable of running the hoover around and washing the pots, he would have to do it if OP was still in hospital instead of sitting waiting for her to do it now shes been released, the DC will be fine.

It sounds like your family know that you’re with your BF.

I'd be upfront with your family and send them pics of the house to make your point

I think this is fine. You have just come out of hospital and need to rest. Ex sounds feckless and messy but not a hazard to your kids. He was clearly expecting you to come home and tidy up from the mess made while you were having blood transfusions.

@Kettledodger

If I had been in hospital my priority would be to make sure I didn't immediately make myself ill again. As long as the children are safe and fed, an untidy/messy or even dare I say it on MN slightly dirty house will be ok for a couple of days. They are with their father they are fine. OP needed to recoup and didn't need the hassle of her families judgy mcjudgeness.

Exactly. It's not that the ex won't get these things done. It's that if she stayed there, OP would end up wanting to do them herself because it's stressful seeing things that need to be done.

It's bizarre that there are some posters on here that would have her risk her recovery period to martyr herself, when the kids have a loving dad caring for them (and who will be doing so unsupervised when they finally split up, anyway).

You’re not in the wrong.

The BEST THING you can do for your dcs is to rest now so you can actually look after them when you are back home.
Being a martyr seem to be expected from mother’s and I think that’s rubbish.

In the mean time your ex is still expecting you to be his maid and can’t even be arsed to keep HIS house clean but I imagine that somehow he is the best father in the world to have looked after his own dcs all in his own? So he couldn’t be asked to clean the house too could he…

It was to messy/dirty for op to stay but its fine for the kids to?

No that’s not the issue. It was too messy for the OP to CLEAN and TIDY when she still hasn’t recovered from her 3 blood transfusions.
Because the reality is that, once home, she would have been expected to tidy. It wouldn’t have been calm and quiet (cue the dcs coming to see her all the time). She wouldn’t have been able to just just REST.

Tbh, if the OP hadn’t had a new bf, she should have been at her mum’s recovering. Or in a hotel. Anywhere but somewhere where she is expected to ‘step up’ and be a mum ‘because her dcs have missed so much’.

Let’s forget that said dcs will soon spend many days away from her anyway, whilst they are with their dad…. How is that so different?

Grapewrath
I think it’s fine to rest at your bf house but you should’ve taken your kids with you. Not fair or appropriate to leave them in an unhygienic situation where their basic needs are questionably being met. Maybe you could have asked your bf or your mum/sister to come and help so you could get the house straight, see your kids and ensure they are ok emotionally
But the OP and the children’s father, her ex, are separating. He’ll soon have regular, (possibly court mandated) contact visits where he will be responsible for them. What’s the difference, except that at the moment they’re with him in their own home?

There is no difference, which is a worry. I mean OP is saying that her kids don’t have any clean crockery today eat off, the house is smelly and dirty with overflowing bins and there’s no food for the kids?! I’d be speaking to my solicitor if my ex couldn’t provide this basic care tbh