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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not display a photograph of my rapist in my home

126 replies

FreedomAnniversary · 27/11/2021 22:24

I have been told off in court by a NYAS barrister because I do not have a picture of my ex husband in my home. This is a person who has raped me, hit my while I was holding my newborn and also put his hand on my throat and threatened me.

NYAS have accused me of not encouraging the relationship with their father on purely that basis.

Am I being unreasonable to not have a picture of my abuser in my home?

OP posts:

gofg · 27/11/2021 23:43

What? I don’t know anyone who has pictures of their exes on display on their house (even ones that aren’t abusive)

I do, but that's beside the point!

I agree OP, you shouldn't need to have any photos of such a man in your house, and if your children asked you to take the photos down then what's the issue

Kaibashira · 27/11/2021 23:46

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"I don't feel it's appropriate or healthy for a picture of my rapist and abuser to be present in my children's home, which I ensure is a safe space."

This this this. Every fucking day I despair at the shit women have to wade through just to live decent lives.

BeenHereForAges · 27/11/2021 23:53

This and the stories about family court I've read on here terrify me.
Absolutely disgusting. I'm so so sorry you're going through this.
YANBU in a million years.

TurnUpTurnip · 27/11/2021 23:55

@gofg

What? I don’t know anyone who has pictures of their exes on display on their house (even ones that aren’t abusive)

I do, but that's beside the point!

I agree OP, you shouldn't need to have any photos of such a man in your house, and if your children asked you to take the photos down then what's the issue

Yeh I was pointing out that it’s not the norm regardless of the situation so it shouldn’t be expected even more so in this situation, I’m sure the odd person has pics up of their ex but most don’t!

CecilyP · 27/11/2021 23:58

TurnUpTurnip

What? I don’t know anyone who has pictures of their exes on display on their house (even ones that aren’t abusive)

Exactly. People tend to display photos of their children and grandchildren. Exes, or even current spouses not so much!

Newbabynewhouse · 28/11/2021 00:20

Thats discusting..

On a side note we currently only have one pic up in or house and its of my grandparents, im sure a few households dont have pics up of themselves.. why is that a problem ...😑 weird...

RantyAunty · 28/11/2021 00:33

What do we expect; a court created by old white men for old white men.

I'd have someone print out a very very faded picture of him and hang it up facing towards the wall. Then have a fancy gold calligraphy W (anker)centered to place over the pic in a frame.

So yes you do have a photo.
Fuck the barrister and the nasty rapist.

Original poster

FreedomAnniversary · 28/11/2021 00:35

@gofg

What? I don’t know anyone who has pictures of their exes on display on their house (even ones that aren’t abusive)

I do, but that's beside the point!

I agree OP, you shouldn't need to have any photos of such a man in your house, and if your children asked you to take the photos down then what's the issue

She said I should have insisted it was kept up.

I don't know what to do for the best. I have been diagnosed as traumatised so I can't set that aside really. This is a man who I have actual evidence of having bestiality images, of planning to assault me with another person to bounce ideas off of.

I don't know if I just comply given that they are now angry with me that the judge wouldn't order contact until assessments have been completed or if I point out the ridiculous things they are asking and try and get them dismissed as they are in breach or disability and equality rules.

OP posts:

PrincessNutella · 28/11/2021 00:38

Who the fuck are they to tell you how to decorate your home, never mind put up pictures of your rapist ex-husband?

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 28/11/2021 00:56

This is all very strange.

My mum never displayed any pictures of my dad on our walls at home. She and her new husband didn't want pictures of her ex up on the walls. I had my own photo albums which included pictures of him. My dad wasn't even abusive. It all seemed totally normal to me and no one has ever questioned it.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sound like the judge is either misinformed or has very fucked up views that stops them from being able to do their job properly.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 28/11/2021 01:07

What exactly did the judge say when they said you should have photos of your ex hanging up in your house? And what exactly did they say when they demanded that you didn't seek medical care for you and your DC? I just want to see if I'm understanding this correctly.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 28/11/2021 01:39

Ask if the arrest records for him raping you, assaulting you, committing child abuse, etc. contain an image of him, and if so, can you just frame one of them? Job done.

If they get uppity about you not “exposing the children” to the abuse he put YOU through, tell them fine, you’ll only frame the child abuse one as a compromise.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/11/2021 01:41

Could you give the children a photo of him to have in their rooms so they can sometimes look at it? I don’t mean on display but in a draw or something?

HeadPain · 28/11/2021 01:43

Oh my God, this is insane! Not you, of course. Them. YANBU! I'm in shock!

tricky29 · 28/11/2021 02:11

@youvegottenminuteslynn

"If the court deems it necessary for me to have a picture of my abuser at home then I will have one, in order to show I am willing to comply with whatever requests the court makes, as I want the court to know my child is my priority. But I feel that having an image of my abuser at home is damaging to my child and me and would like that to be noted."

This

And I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Whatcameoutofme · 28/11/2021 03:21

Wow, so their lack of relationship is on YOU and not his time and effort? That's a joke. I'm so sorry.

evelynhugo · 28/11/2021 03:59

I'm so sorry, you are being dragged through the courts to abuse and bully you more. I'm so sorry the court can't see this (yet). YANBU Hang in there. Court bullying has got to be recognised and stopped.

Staryflight445 · 28/11/2021 04:48

Why can’t you seek mental health help op?

This is absolutely awful, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Carrotte · 28/11/2021 05:42

This sounds so utterly horrendous OP. I'm so so sorry the system is treating you like this.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/11/2021 05:44

@TurnUpTurnip

What? I don’t know anyone who has pictures of their exes on display on their house (even ones that aren’t abusive)

Perhaps because they are a much loved father?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/11/2021 05:46

OP - that is unbeliavably shit and awful

Wallywobbles · 28/11/2021 06:00

Do you feel confident in your lawyer? If so you are paying for their advice take it.

Sometimes we can follow the letter of the law eg hanging the photo in the under stairs cupboard.

Hesma · 28/11/2021 07:15

I don’t have any pictures of my ex on display and he wasn’t abusive, why would I?
I’m so sorry for the distress this must be causing you. Sending a big hug because I can’t think of what to say

Alpenguin · 28/11/2021 07:45

OP I don’t know what jurisdiction you’re in so can only respond on the basis of what I know
In my country.

I am horrified at the barrister’s suggestion. When you talk of being scared of what they’ll do to you do you mean the final judgement or your abusers legal team?

The abusers legal team cannot force you to do anything on their own and will look for the tiniest thing to attack you with, that’s why their raising the photo issue. Their demands and suggestions in court are not binding they’re arguments designed to persuade the judge and also bully and discredit you. Only a judge can make a binding order and that can be appealed.

Nobody can force you not to seek medical treatment. A court generally cannot say you’re not allowed to seek doctors help. You’re saying the judge has ordered psychological assessment and has evidence of your abuse at the hands of your ex and yet they will not allow you to seek psychological assessment for yourself? I think something isn’t right there- your legal team could argue it’s necessity as evidence in support of your case - only the judge has power in the court not the legal teams. Has the judge told you you cannot seek help for you and your child? If so your legal team or even you yourself have to ask for the legal basis of that decision, you’re even allowed to ask them to explain in non legal jargon so you fully understand their reasoning.

A good lawyer would point out your abuser is using the legal process to further your abuse and how inappropriate it is for this kind of hearing to be happening while there are still criminal investigations of his raping you and possibly assaulting your children being considered by the police.

I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. It breaks my heart. Be sure your legal team are fighting in your best interest, if not find someone who will. Also look for support from womens organisations like womens aid who will be used to these kinds of situations and can help advise you

Bluetrews25 · 28/11/2021 07:47

Got a dartboard? Put it on there, inside a wardrobe.
Or if you can get it printed on a toilet roll.....

That's just terrible.

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