To ask how often you argue with your DH/partner?

[Aiglenotsuperior]

DH and I are going through a bad patch, just had a blazing row. We bicker over small things (I.e, who forgot to put the bin out/ why hasn’t he done the washing up that he promised to do etc) but don’t properly row that often.

I’m getting so sick of the bickering though, it’s been going on for about 3 weeks. Tonight I expressed exasperation because a DIY project he’s been working on, that he said would be done by Christmas for when we have guests, now won’t be done until April. I’m so fed up of living in a building site with him finding lame excuses as to why he can’t move forward with projects that he insists he does because he’s too tight to pay someone to do them.

He got up and walked out, I tried to go and speak to him as I’m so sick of him just refusing to talk and giving the silent treatment when conversations don’t go his way. He said I was ungrateful and he can’t believe I won’t acknowledge how much work he’s put into the house, I said I do, but this project is dragging on and on and he just got up and walked out. AGAIN.

He’s now upstairs and I’m sat here feeling so fed up. Seriously considering marriage counselling.

Is it normal to go through phases where you just bicker and rub each other up the wrong way?!

My husband died in 2016 if only I could bicker with him again, or better still not regret that we bickers and argued over trivial stuff! Work at your relationship as if it were your last day together but you both have to do this for it to work. Good luck.

I’ve been with my husband many many years. We don’t bicker and I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we have argued. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t enhance your life.

I’m so sorry for your loss

He won’t speak to me, even if I go up there and try and speak to him. He can quite easily go to sleep on an argument, whereas I hate it. Trying to speak to him when he’s like this just seems to make it worse. But I suffer with anxiety and really hate going to bed not speaking to each other.

Couples do argue, I never believe anyone who says smugly "ooh we NEVER argue"

I don't think your DH should be walking out of the room you're in - TWICE - when you are trying to talk to him though. Or go all sulky and give you the silent treatment. You need to talk through any disagreements like the adults you are and he is being childish..

I find it more weird when couples claim to never argue, I think some arguing is normal.

I can't stand when my DP follows when I've walked out. I need space to clear my head and not escalate it from bickering to full blown fight.

That being said DP and I mostly bicker when we're unhappy about something. I think it's healthy enough as long as it's not becoming insurmountable but everybody else draws the line in different places as to what they can live with.

Very rarely. Not my doing, I love a good argument, but DH just doesn't engage with it. He's very very even tempered and zen, irritatingly so sometimes, so any argument is just me being annoyed and him just being his normal self

The only time we really do bicker is when we are going on holiday oddly!

With your DH's DIY, could it be a supply chain issue?

I was meant to be having a new bathroom fitted back in August. Then it got delayed by 3 months to this month, and now it has been delayed again another 3 months to February 2022! The builder/plumbers have blamed it on supply chain issues. Probably a combination of the pandemic, lack of HGV drivers and that shipping container ship that blocked the river Nile a few months back.

It depends what's going on in our lives. When we're busy and stressed we definitely argue more. Things are good that the moment so we're getting on well. But about 3 years ago we went through a bad patch - mainly due to other stresses and it was tough. We argued a lot. Luckily we worked through it.
We bicker over small things probably once or twice a week. But...and I think this is key, we are never cruel to each other, we respect each other and we say sorry when we're in the wrong. We also both have good senses of humour and make each other laugh much much more than argue.

Before kids? Honestly, not that often. Would take something quite major. Don't get me wrong, we did argue but it wasn't a regular occurence. Nowdays? Pretty much once a day - and that's a good day Think it's the extra strains and stresses we are under at this point in life. My BIL and SIL never argue. But it's because BIL just does everything SIL says. She rules the roost, whereas in this house we are both probably trying to rule the roost.

We do try and talk things through but sometimes it takes a day or so before either of us are prepared to back down and detach a bit to be able to talk it through sensibly.

Sorry, not much help, but you're not alone!

DH and I never really bicker over things like that but I don’t give out about housework because it will get done eventually and isn’t worth the stress. When he’s not here anymore I won’t wish he had done more dishes etc, I’ll miss having him around.

We probably have an argument once every few months but it’s usually if we’re feeling overwhelmed with how busy life with small kids can be.

The sulking is a bigger issue than the bickering. We don't tend to bicker but we do argue occasionally. If we bickered we probably wouldn't have bigger arguments but the arguments tend to result in us both making changes that bickering probably wouldn't.

Stop sweating the small stuff.

Can you afford to get someone in to fix what he's started?

We don’t bicker, we’ve only had a handful of rows and been together decades. Never been great at communicating really.

@LivingTheLifeofMum

My DH and or don’t argue or bicker.

I’m not smug. We have issues but I can say ‘DH - can we talk about x?’ And have a proper conversation with a resolution.

We disagree plenty but are able to discuss civilly without arguments. We don’t sulk, do silent treatment etc. We talk.

I grew up in a house full of ‘normal’ arguments between parents and it was awful and damaging.

I promised myself no relationship I had would be like that ever.

My husband and I have never bickered, I couldn't stand it. Your marriage sounds miserable, honestly.

DH and I don't always agree, but I can honestly say that in 40 years of marriage we have never had a row. Neither of us is confrontational or argumentative. We discuss things, but don't fight.

I would hate to be in a volatile relationship.

I think arguing occasionally with your OH to an extent is healthy, as long as it doesn't descend into name calling or personal insults or criticism. It should never scare the DC and ideally it should resolve the issue you are arguing about.

We don't bicker. Been together nearly 30 years and only had three arguments.

I couldn't cope with being part of a bickering couple.

DH and I only tend to bicker when there's something simmering under the surface we've not addressed, either individually or as a couple.

Recently we had a week of 2 or 3 bickery, snappy arguments, which is unlike us, and we were both being a bit short fused over pointless stuff like the tone of voice we asked to pass the milk or whatever. After a cuddle and a chat when we were both calmer, we realised DH is worried about money and I'm stressed about some house stuff we're in the middle of that I was feeling was all on me to sort.

He promised to pick up more of the house stuff, we agreed what things we could do to make stuff easier for us, we planned our budget for the next couple of months, and we're fine now.

Some people don't learn how to communicate properly - or healthily - from their parents. It does have to be learned. DH and I are getting better every year at it, but sometimes it takes stepping back and looking at the bigger picture and seeing what the cause of tension is, and learning to approach those causes collaboratively rather than defensively.

We don't bicker or argue, married 30+ years ... of course minor things annoy both of us but we just don't row about them... we just deal with things. Maybe that's not healthy but I don't think having a blazing row solves anything... we play to our own strengths and accept that neither of us is perfect.

We tend to more low level snark at each other than have full blown rows.

We bicker, it tends to be stupid stuff and generally isn’t done in true anger or annoyance. We were bickering yesterday about the order of the zelda games. I was right. So while we bicker about very minor things, we are yet to have an actual argument or bicker over something serious/a relationship issue.

We’re quite good at telling each other if we don’t like something, if one of us feels the other has done something annoying, if we’re upset etc, we can both be quite brutally honest, but that does work for us.

Dh and I rarely argue. He is an incredibly mellow, positive and hardworking man.

I on the other hand am lazy but he never moans at me.

Who starts the bickering in your house?

Hire the best looking builder you can find. Get all the jobs finished.
He can huff or fuck off.

@LivingTheLifeofMum why is it not believable for you to accept that some couples don't argue?
I don't argue with my dh...I don't say that smugly...he's not the argumentative type. We TALK...it's very easy really.