To ask how often you argue with your DH/partner?

[Aiglenotsuperior]

DH and I are going through a bad patch, just had a blazing row. We bicker over small things (I.e, who forgot to put the bin out/ why hasn’t he done the washing up that he promised to do etc) but don’t properly row that often.

I’m getting so sick of the bickering though, it’s been going on for about 3 weeks. Tonight I expressed exasperation because a DIY project he’s been working on, that he said would be done by Christmas for when we have guests, now won’t be done until April. I’m so fed up of living in a building site with him finding lame excuses as to why he can’t move forward with projects that he insists he does because he’s too tight to pay someone to do them.

He got up and walked out, I tried to go and speak to him as I’m so sick of him just refusing to talk and giving the silent treatment when conversations don’t go his way. He said I was ungrateful and he can’t believe I won’t acknowledge how much work he’s put into the house, I said I do, but this project is dragging on and on and he just got up and walked out. AGAIN.

He’s now upstairs and I’m sat here feeling so fed up. Seriously considering marriage counselling.

Is it normal to go through phases where you just bicker and rub each other up the wrong way?!

Having chatted with my mates about this kind of thing, I don't think the balance of comments is very representative of couples generally - I think the average couple has had far more than 'a handful' of arguments! Kudos to those who have managed that though, I'm envious!
My parents did not model good communication at all and it's been struggle for me to learn to do it, and my natural impulses are still to react first, communicate later. My partner is also a reacter, and will retreat at the first hint of criticism, much like yours and it drives me bonkers. We've had a bit of therapy and it has definitely improved the way we communicate, but it has needed effort on both our parts. We're working on it and things are getting better, but I'd say we bicker a few times a week, mainly about child rearing. We've had a few weeks recently where we've had a couple of proper arguments because I have been pushing to make the split of chores more even - it has been uncomfortable but necessary and he has actually taken stuff on board (even if he did stomp off a couple of times.)

One thing I find really helpful is to write stuff down in a text. His basic instinct is to defend and flee, so it's hard to get my points across before he runs away and if I follow him I know he will be in full on defense mode so it won't get us anywhere. If I text him laying out my thoughts and feelings it means I can relay everything I want to say and he will process it in his own time and usually comes back to me and calmly relays his own thoughts and makes changes to his behaviour as well. It's really hard to fight those 'in the moment reactions which are baked in from childhood, so having strategies to work around them is really key.

Couples do argue, I never believe anyone who says smugly "ooh we NEVER argue"

We have had one argument in thirteen years of marriage. We don’t bicker.

So, I suppose you are correct. I can’t say we have never argued.

DH and I have one, maybe two big blowouts a year. He comes from a loud argumentative family, I hate arguments. I've only learned to stand up to him more in the last few years when he's in full rage mode on those one or two occasions each year. I generally stay very calm, which does wind him up in his worse moods, but it still better than if I tried to yell at him.

We seldom bicker, I think that really takes two. Probably once or twice a month one of us might snap but I always try to defuse it because I don't want to give it more fuel and he's actually got much better at stopping it snowballing as well. And I've got better at recognising that a small argument is normal, nothing dreadful and blows over.

There are definitely phases in marriage when one feels less 'loved up' for the other, I think. From what I gather the real danger and real relationship killer is if at least one partner feels contempt for the other - that the other is 'pathetic', 'hopeless' etc. There's no coming back from that.

I don't think you're at that stage OP - I guess he feels wounded as he feels he's working as hard as he can, but it's not fair on you to leave things half done and you are within your rights to ask him to finish it, or else get someone in. You have my sympathy as DH is a one for DIY that he doesn't always finish - we had a half-tiled bathroom floor for about 3 months in our last place but at least he learned never to try tiling anything himself again!

@LivingTheLifeofMum

Why are arguments healthy but talking it out without arguing is unbelievable?

We disagree but rarely have proper arguments. It sounds as though you don't communicate at all though. You need to find a way of negotiating solutions to problems. It sounds as though you complain and he ignores you. Everlasting DIY projects are unreasonable. One project needs to be finished before another is started. If you can't talk to each other is the relationship in trouble in other ways?

Not often. In 10 years together we've had a handful of blazing arguments. We do bicker occasionally, maybe once or twice a month but always, always talk about any disagreements. I think some cooling off is a good thing, I often need to leave the room to gather my thoughts/cool off but I think your DH should then be sitting down to talk about things and not going to sleep on an argument.

DH is very non confrontational so tends not to argue. If somethings wrong it tends to be more a case of me telling him. I can't remember a big argument with him though I'm sure we've both been annoyed with each other. Key to it is I remember that he won't do anything deliberately to upset me so if he does it wouldn't be intentional and if I tell him he'll know not to repeat it.

Little things we bicker about, he's a menace for tidiness in the kitchen (I'm not so fastidious) he's untidy in the sitting room and ... he snores.

[quote Merryoldgoat]@LivingTheLifeofMum

My DH and or don’t argue or bicker.

I’m not smug. We have issues but I can say ‘DH - can we talk about x?’ And have a proper conversation with a resolution.

We disagree plenty but are able to discuss civilly without arguments. We don’t sulk, do silent treatment etc. We talk.

I grew up in a house full of ‘normal’ arguments between parents and it was awful and damaging.

I promised myself no relationship I had would be like that ever.[/quote]
This is the relationship I have right now, no bickering or arguments. I honestly never understood how people in relationships could disagree without a fight until I met DP. He’s so level and open. We’ve had maybe 3 occasions where we have had a fundamental disagreement and we’ve resolved it by talking it through. It’s revolutionary (to me, previous abusive relationship).

My DH is quite aggro. In his family, they communicate by shouting, missing the point, getting confused, bitching about each other & keeping secrets. His mother is the root cause.

I’m an open, honest person, who never argued with anyone, before he came along... I honestly hate it. And I don’t want to bring my kid up in a home where shouting happens.

We’d never had an argument before we lived together, then had a fair few in the early years of living together about housekeeping/the cleaning. We now have to occasional “top up” cleaning based row, but are essentially pretty harmonious. We bicker a bit from time to time, but never go to sleep on our anger and we’ve never had a blazing row - I don’t recall him ever raising his voice to me. We do disagree about things (although not that much actually), but we’re pretty good at talking things through. I feel very lucky. A life long marriage feels like an achievable thing!

Proper shouty rows - about once every 5-8 years. Bickering - not often though we did go through a phase recently. But neither of us like conflict so we stopped.

We grumble when we're tired or stressed but never argue or bicker. We laugh our way our of every grumble and have never walked off or left the house. We talk about issues, neither of us are so stubborn that we'd rather hurt each other than apologise or fix an issue. IME it's communication problems that lead to arguments, not personal faults.

Never had an argument with DH - the thought of arguing with one another just makes me really sad. Having said that, there’s genuinely nothing to argue about!

Interesting response. We bicker, as I would describe it, daily, multiple times a day, but it isn’t serious. No malice at all. Been together over 20 years.

Bickering to varying degrees, quite often shout I suppose once a week. Furious, angry rows, are much less frequent and maybe a couple of times a year. Relationship is not volatile at all. Tbh I wouldn’t have married someone who walked off like your DH. The most unhappy I’ve ever been was being with a man who wouldn’t argue with me, and didn’t know how to even if he tried.

We’re both quite open and honest, reasonably confrontational and from large families with a cultural background of being upfront about how you feel.

Personally I think bickering/sulking is worse than having the occasional argument! At least you can be honest about what’s getting to you and try and sort it out rather than nit picking with no resolution….

I reckon we have a couple of arguments a year, we don’t bicker and there is no sulking.

Been together 6 years and only one argument in that time. We don't bicker or do silent treatment etc, I care for him too much to do that and him me.

Once every few months but more of a disagreement. Never yelling and screaming.

Agree that the refusing to speak to you is the bigger issue.

I disagree with dh all the time. We actually get to arguing point maybe once every 6 weeks. Blazing rows...not often. But we've had them!

I also think it's normal to argue, (if you are super polite and on egg shells all the time, avoiding cross words, flat isn't healthy imo). It's the making up that counts. If either of us flounce and refused to speak to the other, I think that would be really cruel and the beginning of the end for us.

@PixieLaLa

Personally I think bickering/sulking is worse than having the occasional argument! At least you can be honest about what’s getting to you and try and sort it out rather than nit picking with no resolution….

I agree. DH and I started bickering a couple of months ago after being together for 27 years and it really unnerved me. We stopped. It felt so corrosive.

It isn't a choice of argue or ignore the issue and walk on egg shells. You can just discuss the issue and find a solution like you would with a friend or colleague. Do people who are always arguing with their partner have regular arguments with everyone else? If not use the same problem solving skills you use in other relationships. Just talk about stuff and find a compromise or one of you gives in but not always the same person each time

in the last 5.5 years we have had two actual arguments.

We bicker maybe once a month usually because of other things causing stress x

@2Rebecca

It isn't a choice of argue or ignore the issue and walk on egg shells. You can just discuss the issue and find a solution like you would with a friend or colleague. Do people who are always arguing with their partner have regular arguments with everyone else? If not use the same problem solving skills you use in other relationships. Just talk about stuff and find a compromise or one of you gives in but not always the same person each time

I totally agree @2Rebecca. I get irritated by people who say they don't believe that some couples can manage a relationship without arguing. Some of us manage to communicate our needs to each other without falling out.

An argument is literally an exchange of opposing views. They don’t have to be personal or acrimonious.

We have had the odd very angry argument in 35 odd years and many, many bickers but on the whole we got along very well by compromising.

Perhaps you can ask DH how you can move this forward to get the house decent again until he can complete the work (use the word we not you). If it’s even possibleto get outside help in do be clear it’s buying additional help not replacing his own skills (!).

To be honest, looking back we had some really crap times associated with DIY. He wasn’t good at it and I hated the mess and being sent to the shops for something every 5 minutes. Our lives took a definite upturn when we could afford to pay other people to do the work.

Yes, I argue with my friends in the same way I argue with my husband. It's weird to agree in everything. You may call it "talking to find a solution" I call it disagreeing/arguing.