To ask how often you argue with your DH/partner?

[Aiglenotsuperior]

DH and I are going through a bad patch, just had a blazing row. We bicker over small things (I.e, who forgot to put the bin out/ why hasn’t he done the washing up that he promised to do etc) but don’t properly row that often.

I’m getting so sick of the bickering though, it’s been going on for about 3 weeks. Tonight I expressed exasperation because a DIY project he’s been working on, that he said would be done by Christmas for when we have guests, now won’t be done until April. I’m so fed up of living in a building site with him finding lame excuses as to why he can’t move forward with projects that he insists he does because he’s too tight to pay someone to do them.

He got up and walked out, I tried to go and speak to him as I’m so sick of him just refusing to talk and giving the silent treatment when conversations don’t go his way. He said I was ungrateful and he can’t believe I won’t acknowledge how much work he’s put into the house, I said I do, but this project is dragging on and on and he just got up and walked out. AGAIN.

He’s now upstairs and I’m sat here feeling so fed up. Seriously considering marriage counselling.

Is it normal to go through phases where you just bicker and rub each other up the wrong way?!

Depends on the couple. Some couples can be quite happy and still bicker a lot (seems weird to me but there you go).
The thing with him walking out the room - you say he gets upset when conversations don’t go “his way” but that implies that your trying to swing the conversation into going “your way” and he doesn’t feel like it’s a conversation but a lecture - a typical male reaction to that is to shut down.

Have you thought about your communication style at all and perhaps thinking more of terms of conversations going “our way” rather than winning out? I think it’s important in marriage to realise that men communicate differently than us and often the best way to “get your way”, is to talk to them with that in mind on their level. Otherwise your talking at them on your level and not realising it, because it seems different to you.
I know some will say it’s outdated thinking but men really are from Mars.

*because it seems normal to you

@DixPourCent

Yes, I argue with my friends in the same way I argue with my husband. It's weird to agree in everything. You may call it "talking to find a solution" I call it disagreeing/arguing.

And also a po faced "let's have a discussion about this dh so we can find a solution" approach , would be so weird. Ditto sith my friends. Guess it's a personality thing.

I'm the shouty one in our relationship. The way DH hangs out a washing gives me the fucking rage. He will argue it's dry when he takes it in so what's the problem.😂😂
The last couple of years have been more than hard many couples would have spilt. You need to be able to talk to your DH and also listen as well.
We disagree but don't have full-blown arguments much.

I think replies on threads like these are hard to interpret.

I once had a conversation with SIL who said she never argues with her husband. My first thought was ‘that’s because you do everything he wants, with no question’. So I think that’s what some of the ‘no arguing is weird’ camp are worried about.

Then she said ‘I can’t stand shouting’ and I realised she thought arguing=shouting, where I meant disagreement.

So I don’t think there’s much point in asking people as we all have different interpretations.

We argue maybe once a month but we don’t shout - and never argue in front of the dc. It’s more of a heated (quiet!) discussion when the kids are in bed and then we’re back to normal again the next day. We’re both quite firey and stubborn and I’d much rather have it out with each other than let it fester. Been together about 15 years now.

@SheWoreYellow

I think replies on threads like these are hard to interpret.

I once had a conversation with SIL who said she never argues with her husband. My first thought was ‘that’s because you do everything he wants, with no question’. So I think that’s what some of the ‘no arguing is weird’ camp are worried about.

Then she said ‘I can’t stand shouting’ and I realised she thought arguing=shouting, where I meant disagreement.

So I don’t think there’s much point in asking people as we all have different interpretations.

Yeah probably.

I've never "talked something through to find a solution" with anyone other than maybe a colleague or customer who is giving off. In my circle of friends we just argue, call each other wankers and laugh.

Op's situation isn't funny though. And it's because her dh is sulking and giving her the silent treatment, which is a form of abuse.

Me and dh have been together 7 years, maybe had 2 arguments in that time. We don't bicker. It's not me being smug, if there is a problem, we discuss it and sort it. We are both quite laid back k though and have very similar parenting styles.

We sometimes nag each other and I sometimes get PMS rage but we’ve genuinely never had a proper argument, much less stomped out. My DP is extremely laid back in all aspects of life though, I’m not sure it’s in his personality to get into arguments.

Been married for 61 years and have had lots of arguments and ups and downs. These days we still occasionally get annoyed with each other but forget it in a few minutes. Last night he annoyed me and then I forgot so I found myself saying “hey! I’m not meant to be talking to you”. We both chuckled. It depends what your dh is in the middle of which is so annoying you. For eg if it interferes with your cooking/ daily functioning etc Also has he been doing so much diy and working hard that he just needs a rest. If it’s the latter perhaps cut him some slack and say you appreciate what he has done and say how lucky you are that he can do these things. Sweet talking is often effective. I know how frustrating these things can be and how I could burst at the seams in the past. However, it’s often just not worth the stress that arguing costs.

It's very difficult to depend on online answers. I consider an argument as a discussion wherein both parties disagree and discuss. Others consider an argument roaring and shouting.

Some will say they never argue because they never have screaming matches but they could actually have disagreements quite regularly. Some couples have a dysfunctional relationship with narc/enabler vibes and take great pride in the fact that they "never argue" when you can see the distain in their body language and their is no balance in their relationship.
I have a friend who regularly talks about what an amazing relationship she has with her DH but I lived with them and the opposite is the case. She would go online and say they never argue I believe. People convince themselves of all sorts, especially when it comes to their marriage.

I think the posters saying that they "never argue" are mainly in the, have a disagreement without raised voices camp,which is healthy and absolutely exists in many happy marriages.

We do argue occasionally usually when one or both of us is really tired/had too much to drink. We can’t sulk at each other for long though.

We don't bicker as its how me and ExH used to be.I like to have words if necessary then move on straight away.No stewing,no coldness,no sniping.Cant stand it! Luckily dh is the same.

I just want to direct you to the Relate website that says many couples wait too long to get in touch....so yes I would say go to marriage counselling now to address your communication style at least.

@TurnUpTurnip

I find it more weird when couples claim to never argue, I think some arguing is normal.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 14. I’m now 36. We’ve argued once; when I was 18 and jealous about something trivial. 4 children, six countries and 19 house moves including spending 2 years in a caravan travelling, I’m SO glad we’re not ‘normal’!!

Might have mild disagreements every other day or so. But easily resolved and never escalates into shouting and name calling like it did with my ex.

We've been married for 33 years and we argue most days, mainly over little things like not being able I hear each other because we're in certain rooms, it's always my fault as I'm either talking too quietly or not listening.

We've had one blazing row in his knows how long. He said he wished he had never married me. He then spent the next weeks being extra nice and told me he loved me. He apologised and said he hadn't meant it.

@goose1964

We've been married for 33 years and we argue most days, mainly over little things like not being able I hear each other because we're in certain rooms, it's always my fault as I'm either talking too quietly or not listening.

We've had one blazing row in his knows how long. He said he wished he had never married me. He then spent the next weeks being extra nice and told me he loved me. He apologised and said he hadn't meant it.

He apologised when you had one row but you bicker all the time and it's always your fault? Come on...

@goose1964

We've been married for 33 years and we argue most days, mainly over little things like not being able I hear each other because we're in certain rooms, it's always my fault as I'm either talking too quietly or not listening.

We've had one blazing row in his knows how long. He said he wished he had never married me. He then spent the next weeks being extra nice and told me he loved me. He apologised and said he hadn't meant it.

I couldn’t forgive my dh saying he wished he had never married me. That’s a line we don’t cross.

@Bagelsandbrie

Well she could and did. Why does it matter if it’s worked for her?

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Bagelsandbrie

Well she could and did. Why does it matter if it’s worked for her?[/quote]
They just gave their opinions.
They didn't say the other poster should feel the same why are you always so goady?

@girlmom21

OP was looking for opinions about how much people bicker - the people telling their personal story weren’t inviting criticism of it.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@girlmom21

OP was looking for opinions about how much people bicker - the people telling their personal story weren’t inviting criticism of it.[/quote]
Well they were, really. It's a discussion forum.

That relationship does sound toxic and it's only right to highlight that. It's saved a lot of peoples sanities on this platform.

Like other pp, we disagree on things (a few fairly fundamental), but never quarrel.

We've never shouted at, insulted, sulked at or sworn at each other - the idea of living like that makes me feel awful.

@girlmom21

I really doubt little snipes like that have saved anyone’s sanity. The people making them may justify it that way but it’s really just an excuse to look down on and be catty under the guise of “helpful advice”.