To ask how often you argue with your DH/partner?

[Aiglenotsuperior]

DH and I are going through a bad patch, just had a blazing row. We bicker over small things (I.e, who forgot to put the bin out/ why hasn’t he done the washing up that he promised to do etc) but don’t properly row that often.

I’m getting so sick of the bickering though, it’s been going on for about 3 weeks. Tonight I expressed exasperation because a DIY project he’s been working on, that he said would be done by Christmas for when we have guests, now won’t be done until April. I’m so fed up of living in a building site with him finding lame excuses as to why he can’t move forward with projects that he insists he does because he’s too tight to pay someone to do them.

He got up and walked out, I tried to go and speak to him as I’m so sick of him just refusing to talk and giving the silent treatment when conversations don’t go his way. He said I was ungrateful and he can’t believe I won’t acknowledge how much work he’s put into the house, I said I do, but this project is dragging on and on and he just got up and walked out. AGAIN.

He’s now upstairs and I’m sat here feeling so fed up. Seriously considering marriage counselling.

Is it normal to go through phases where you just bicker and rub each other up the wrong way?!

I would be curious to know what some peoples definitions of “bickering” and “row” and “disagreement” are. There seem to be quite a variety of interpretations - as some PP have also pointed out.

At a higher level I do think it is normal to have rough patches. But they need to be only patches, need to maintain respect and you need to work to resolve the underlying issues - are you both stressed and /or extremely tired and taking it out on each other? Is there something bigger annoying one of you and it’s coming out by being irritated by EVERYTHING etc etc.

In relation to this specific argument it really depends on the DIY that is dragging on - I do all the DIY in our house - I'd be pissed if my DH started moaning about it - how does the OP know it's being "tight" not to get someone in to do it? It's a nightmare and very stressful looking for and engaging with the right builders to come and do anything in your house. But people who don't do DIY are the first to moan when it's not done to their arbitrary timetable

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@girlmom21

I really doubt little snipes like that have saved anyone’s sanity. The people making them may justify it that way but it’s really just an excuse to look down on and be catty under the guise of “helpful advice”.[/quote]
You’re being a bit unfair. It’s a discussion forum. I’m allowed to have an opinion and to express that opinion- if none of us did that here there’d be no mumsnet!

I wasn’t trying to be “catty” - as someone who left an abusive relationship when my dd was 6 months old (she is now 19) I see many things on these pages that make my inner alarm bells ring and that was one of those posts. If I can flag these things up to say to someone else reading that wow that’s wrong and crosses a line then I will! Many people just don’t recognise how bad things are!

So I’m sorry if I annoy people like you by doing that but I won’t stop doing it. If the person I replied to is happy with her situation that’s her choice but I would not accept that and others shouldn’t either. It’s okay to call out abusive and bad behaviours in relationships.

@Bagelsandbrie

It’s not abusive to once say you wish you’d never married someone then apologise profusely for it.
Some Mumsnetters see abusive in every obnoxious thing a man does.

Several posts above that a woman says she is the shouty one in the relationship and her partner sends her into a rage and it’s said as a joke. Yet I notice you don’t respond to that, if it were her saying her husband shouted at her and laughing about it, no doubt you would have had a fierce reaction against him.

Quite a lot of affectionate teasing, I wouldn't class it as bickering though.

Sometimes we'll get snappy or irritable but that's usually because we're otherwise stressed or frazzled, it's easily smoothed over within minutes and never becomes a proper argument.

Actual full-on shouting arguments - one in 10 years. It's pretty important to both of us not to have that sort of conflict in our lives. Whenever I feel annoyed with DP, I always take a second to think to myself "is this worth turning into an actual row" and the answer is almost always no (he says he does the same). He's very confrontation-averse, I am less so, but I strongly feel it shouldn't come into the home.

When we disagree about important things both of us switch into calm, logical discussion mode quite easily.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Bagelsandbrie

It’s not abusive to once say you wish you’d never married someone then apologise profusely for it.
Some Mumsnetters see abusive in every obnoxious thing a man does.

Several posts above that a woman says she is the shouty one in the relationship and her partner sends her into a rage and it’s said as a joke. Yet I notice you don’t respond to that, if it were her saying her husband shouted at her and laughing about it, no doubt you would have had a fierce reaction against him.[/quote]
I guess we all have different lines of what’s acceptable but I think it’s okay to “sometimes” have shouty arguments and even to wind each other up to the point of being really angry. That’s life isn’t it. But I would never, ever tell my dh that I wish I hadn’t married him. That’s deeply hurtful. And it sticks. If he said that to me I couldn’t forgive it. Once you’ve said those words you can’t take them back.

It’s not a man or woman thing for me at all.

@Bagelsandbrie

That’s fine for you to feel that way and say it. But you were saying “abuse” - it really isn’t abuse.

We have a heated argument a couple of times a year. I'm not very argumentative, but will stand my ground if I strongly disagree with being challenged on something.

I find arguments uncomfortable but useful. I think they work if couples are able to ultimately resolve them.

I was in a non confrontational relationship for over 15 years. And all it achieved was a gradual buildi up of resentment and apathy. Despite counselling and trying to talk things out.

There is no room for out and out anger or rage though. That's where I draw the line.

[quote TarasCrazyTiara]@Bagelsandbrie

That’s fine for you to feel that way and say it. But you were saying “abuse” - it really isn’t abuse.[/quote]
To me it is abusive. We will have to agree to disagree but to me it’s on a level with telling your child you don’t love them - which I don’t think anyone would argue isn’t abusive. To tell someone you don’t love them or wish you hadn’t married them (which to me is the same thing) is a truly horrible and abusive thing to say.

I guess we have different definitions of abuse. Yes it’s a horrible thing to say but when I’m talking about abuse I mean something you should actually be charged with criminally. Saying you regret marrying someone being defined as that is just absurd to me.

@TurnUpTurnip

I find it more weird when couples claim to never argue, I think some arguing is normal.

We are both intelligent, emotionally stable and educated people so if we disagree over something we can sit down and discuss it without behaving like small children. I don't see that as weird.

@TarasCrazyTiara

I guess we have different definitions of abuse. Yes it’s a horrible thing to say but when I’m talking about abuse I mean something you should actually be charged with criminally. Saying you regret marrying someone being defined as that is just absurd to me.

I think you need to have a good look at the women’s aid website - I don’t mean that patronisingly at all. I just mean that there are many types of abuse - emotional, coercive, financial etc. Telling someone you don’t love them or wish you hadn’t married them definitely falls under emotional abuse and potentially other types of abuse if it means someone feels pressured to change their behaviours in response to it.

I’m sorry if I’ve derailed the thread. It wasn’t my intention.

Mild disagreements - occasionally. Petty bickering or actual rows - never. I'm 50, he's a couple of years younger. We've been married nearly 20 years. The only times we had very occasional rows were in the first few years and only ever when we'd had too much to drink! We disagree less and less as time goes on actually.

@Bagelsandbrie

Oh for goodness sake - saying something in anger in an argument which you regret and apologise for is “emotional abuse”? No offense to whatever site that is but that’s truly pathetic. My god no wonder there’s a stereotype of us being fragile and emotional if a lot of women actually consider that abuse.

Been with DH for 8 years now and we are very open with one another and brutally honest - we will often disagree on topics and we love a good debate. But we never let it escalate to an actual argument - we take pause and then calmly discuss the issue later if needed. We have never had a row and never shout or punish one another.

We regularly check in with one another to make sure there's no resentment or underlying negativity. Ultimately we both want each other to be happy and we are willing to work on ourselves to build a stronger relationship together.

I would never be with a sulky or shouty man or one who is too immature to communicate their feelings like a rational human being. I've always said that the moment our relationship descends to that I'm gone.

OP your husband sounds extremely immature. Rather than talk through the issue he would rather hide from it, and that is ultimately going to chip away at your relationship unless he makes steps to improve his behaviour. Likewise, think about your own communication style - keep at the forefront what you want the resolution to be, then think about how to communicate what the issue is without getting overly emotional or accusatory.

Literally never argue although just before my period I find myself weirdly grumpy with him for no reason 😂

To me the difference between an argument and a disagreement is the amount of emotion involved and the shoutiness. Someone upthread said they get angry at how their husband hangs out the washing. That seems an inappropriate amount of emotion to expend on something so trivial to me unless clothes are being damaged by how it's being pegged out.
My husband and I peg out the laundry differently. He has to have matching pegs for each item (as does my student son who was amazed I didn't automatically do this) where as I just grab any peg unless the garment needs one of the softer pegs and then I don't care what colour it is.
We don't get emotional and argue about this though, I just peg it out my way and he pegs it out his. There is no right and wrong way of hanging out washing as long as it's not being damaged.
My husband and I have different political views but we are happy to agree to disagree about stuff.
If my husband regularly shouted at me we wouldn't be married. That's emotional abuse. If you are standing next to someone there is no need to raise your voice unless you are trying to intimidate or bully them.

He won’t speak to me, even if I go up there and try and speak to him. He can quite easily go to sleep on an argument, whereas I hate it. Trying to speak to him when he’s like this just seems to make it worse. But I suffer with anxiety and really hate going to bed not speaking to each other.

^^ this is exactly what my EA exh was like!

DH and I genuinely never argue, it doesn't matter to me if anyone believes me or thinks it's weird. We're just not argumentative people (neither of us argue with anyone else either), and we're the type to live and let live over most issues. On the most important issues, we tend to agree as we have similar outlooks.

We’ve been together 27 years. We bicker occasionally. full blown rows I can count on one hand.

I couldn’t deal with that, it’s drive me mad.